Girl denies flirting

[Just a Man]

A while ago, a girl in social circle (let's call her "Rose") flirted with me. Rose is in her mid-thirties, educated, professional. I'm married, late forties, and my wife was present but didn't notice as Rose was very discreet. I'm aware that she could have been flirting for fun/validation without any intent but there are surely safer places to do that than in a group of friends when the guy's wife is present, so I strongly suspect (but could be wrong) that it was a very opportunistic but genuine attraction.

Sadly, I failed to escalate with her, missed the attraction window and she auto-rejected. At any rate, that's what I suspect happened. Game over. We remain polite but Rose avoids any proximity. The social circle is loose so we don't run into each other. It's an absolute bummer but I've been avoiding falling into oneitis by looking elsewhere.

More recently, I mentioned the flirting to her in a message and Rose flatly denied it ever happened, saying she was only being friendly. I wouldn't have minded her saying it was a bit of fun but denying it even happened is a little frustrating. We both enjoyed it.

So first of all, was it my imagination after all? I am sure not. The first signal I saw from Rose was the classic flirty expression that almost everyone recognizes. It's such a classic that scientists have analyzed it: The link to the Journal of Sex Research is here (article published 2020):
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2020.1805583?journalCode=hjsr20

The abstract states: "The morphology of the highly recognized flirtatious facial expressions, coded using the Facial Action Coding System (FACS), included: a head turned to one side and tilted down slightly, a slight smile, and eyes turned forward (toward the implied target)."

These four ingredients - head to one side and tilted downward, a slight (rather coy) smile and eye contact - define the unmistakeable look. It has no evolutionary purpose other than flirtation. We all know exactly what it is. It's very alluring and it's meant to be.

The second thing (same occasion) was finding an opportunity to sit next to me. She promptly pressed her left leg very firmly against my right leg, under the table, and we stayed that way for quite a while. There was no crowding; the leg-to-leg contact was quite unnecessary in the situation. I'm sure we all recognize this as another well-known manoeuver.

There was some other stuff later that could be interpreted as just very friendly if it weren't for the context of these two things. But to my mind, these two that she started with are loud and clear, and not my imagination.

So in that case, how does one interpret her denial that it happened? This is still puzzling me.

1. Does she believe her own denial or does she know what happened but finds the denial useful because it makes her rejection of me more definitive?
2. It looks like ASD to me (I'm married so it's understandable that Rose doesn't want to admit flirting) but is there anything else going on?
3. Could her denial actually mean a denial that she was flirting with intent? i.e. the flirting behaviour wasn't reeeaaally flirting as it was only ever fun/validation despite what I thought? (I am sceptical on this: at the very end of the night she seemed to me to be inviting further contact another time, suggesting intent; but then again, maybe she was just trying to see how far she could push the validation.)

Anyway, this is all a very good example of why rapid escalation pays off. Had I done that right, at the time, I'd have had my answers much clearer and much faster, and possibly the outcome would have been different.

 

[DarkKnight]

More recently, I mentioned the flirting to her in a message and Rose flatly denied it ever happened, saying she was only being friendly.

Women need to save face, so the last thing she wants to happen is that she loses plausible deniability by basically confirming on text that she was flirting. You need to be careful with those moves as women who you corner like this (they tend to consider this as cornering) can start to move against you and put others against you because they need to safe face... and then if you come out of that storm, they can switch to warm again.

lol, no wonder people get confused about women hahahha. I had to laugh by writing all this.

Anyway you mentioned you were married, no idea if you guys are mono or poly (I'm guessing mono), but using your social circle for things like this can really blow up in your face. You are playing with fire right now.

 

[Just a Man]

she loses plausible deniability by basically confirming on text that she was flirting.

It was a voice message, to be fair, and she could have called back as we have spoken on occasions. We have kept some rapport, platonically. But yes, I take your point. She probably feels she has to deny it. Having said that, she was quite happy to encourage me to find someone else, which doesn't leave much plausible deniability in terms of her attitude to my marriage.

 

[Just a Man]

using your social circle for things like this can really blow up in your face. You are playing with fire right now.

She made the first move. I personally favour cold approach, not social circle - for the reason you state.

 

[climbingup]

Yeah bro women will never ever admit to flirting or initiating. It's not lady like hahaha. To a woman her reputation is her most valuable asset, she can't be seen as the "easy" lay or slut. Otherwise it ruins her chances when looking for a provider

 

[Just a Man]

1. Does she believe her own denial or does she know what happened but finds the denial useful because it makes her rejection of me more definitive?
2. It looks like ASD to me (I'm married so it's understandable that Rose doesn't want to admit flirting) but is there anything else going on?
3. Could her denial actually mean a denial that she was flirting with intent? i.e. the flirting behaviour wasn't reeeaaally flirting as it was only ever fun/validation despite what I thought? (I am sceptical on this: at the very end of the night she seemed to me to be inviting further contact another time, suggesting intent; but then again, maybe she was just trying to see how far she could push the validation.)

Anyway, this is all a very good example of why rapid escalation pays off. Had I done that right, at the time, I'd have had my answers much clearer and much faster, and possibly the outcome would have been different.

Going back to my OP, in that case, there might be no need to look any further than ASD - which is what I mentioned (question 2).

Probably, also, the answer to question 1 is the sort of thing that varies from girl to girl: some people can really persuade themselves of something that they want to believe; others know perfectly well what they're doing. Unfortunately, I don't really have any way of knowing in this case although I think it's an interesting issue about the mechanics of ASD and the tactics used by girls.

On question 3 - i.e. was the flirting with intent (as I suspect) vs purely fun/validation (which I think less likely)? - I think the stronger the denial, the more likely it is that there was intent. A stronger denial suggests that there was more at stake, i.e. the flirting meant more. It's easier to admit flirting (which, in my experience, girls will sometimes admit) if she can dismiss it as a bit of harmless fun; harder if she really meant it.