Girl evasive/ignoring me after a month, unsure why

[JGS]

Hi guys,

I've been and on-again off-again reader of these forums for quite a while now. I'm wondering if I could get some advice a current relationship I'm dealing with.

I met this girl out and about around a month ago at a club, we had some mutual friends so we got chatting and I ended up taking her home that night and sleeping with her. The next time I saw her we happened to be at the same event by chance and I ended up sleeping with her again. The third time I saw her I met her out and about again we were both with friends but she ended up coming home with me at the end of the night. So at this stage we hadn’t been on a proper date but I’d spent some time at her place and she’d cooked me food and what not. The next time I saw her she invited me around for dinner and at the last minute told me her parents (who were visiting from out of town) were going to be there which was a bit of a surprise. I went along nonetheless as I’d already agreed to go and I got along with her family really well. Over the next two weeks or so I saw her about four or five times – including dinner at her place with her family again. Throughout this time I would have slept with her an additional two or three times. The last time I saw her was last week when I went over to her place. She was feeling a bit unwell so we didn’t sleep together, I just stayed the night and left the next day.

Anyway, since that night she has become really evasive. After I saw her then, I waited about two days before making contact with her. She ignored my message (which was the first time she'd ever done that - normally I'd get an apology if a reply was more than a few hours after I messaged her). I gave her a call the next afternoon which she also ignored. Eventually she messaged back much later that night and apologised, saying she was studying at a friend’s house that day and out of reception. This seemed a bit suss to me but I didn't reply. The next day I gave her a call again which she again ignored – I sent a follow up text asking her to call me when she had a moment which she also didn’t return. So by now I was starting to freak out a bit so I sent her a message asking if everything was ok because I sensed something was not quite right. (I realise now that I’d started to ‘chase’ her a bit here...)

But she he called me almost the second that message left my phone and was very apologetic and explained she was busy studying as she had an assignment due (which she just handed in) and she was flat out with that and work over the last few days. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt on this as she had mentioned this assignment some weeks ago and she is often busy with work…

So despite her assurances and her phone call, it’s clear to me that things aren’t quite right between us at the moment. Over the last week or so, I’d suggested we just catch up for a coffee or lunch or something easy and she either had an excuse, or avoided the question entirely. So I’m just trying to work out why things might be a bit cold with her at the moment. I can think of a few reasons:
• She’s genuinely busy – this is plausible, I know she is really quite a busy person but she seemed to be able to respond and hang out ok in the past.
• She’s no longer interested/has met someone else – I’d be surprised if this was the case as she introduced me to her family which she wouldn’t do unless she was a bit messed up… But it still seems the most likely to me.
• She’s lost attraction/I didn't perform in bed – I moved fast with her and we had some really great sex so I’m not sure about this one either.
• I haven’t really taken her on a ‘proper date’ – Almost all of our meetings have been when we’ve both been at the same place with friends or just hanging out at each other’s place. I don’t think this would explain it though.
• Something else?

As I mentioned, none of these seem too plausible. Anyway, how do you guys think I should approach it from here? I quite like her and I’d like to keep seeing her. At the moment, I’m planning not to speak to her for a week, maybe longer and then get back in touch after some time apart. Is this the best approach or could she just drift further away?

Any insight or tips would be appreciated!

 

[Franco]

JGS,

Anyway, since that night she has become really evasive. After I saw her then, I waited about two days before making contact with her. She ignored my message (which was the first time she'd ever done that - normally I'd get an apology if a reply was more than a few hours after I messaged her).

Interesting situation here. It seems like a lot of what might be going on could be explained by the details, which really aren't mentioned much here (which is understandable given that the length of the post would probably be long). What exactly did you say in this text message that caused her to ignore it? What might have actually happened here is that you weren't showing enough warmth after meeting her parents. In general, you want to avoid meeting friends and especially family for as long as possible as that really puts a lot of stress on the girl to have to fulfill the expectations of a boyfriend type of role. What might have happened here is that she felt like she introduced you to her folks as a guy who she was seeing (or it was at least implied anyway) and then expected you to act more that way, but then you continued to text her as a "booty call," and she was starting to get worried that that is the way you saw her.

Then...

I gave her a call the next afternoon which she also ignored. Eventually she messaged back much later that night and apologised, saying she was studying at a friend’s house that day and out of reception. This seemed a bit suss to me but I didn't reply. The next day I gave her a call again which she again ignored – I sent a follow up text asking her to call me when she had a moment which she also didn’t return. So by now I was starting to freak out a bit so I sent her a message asking if everything was ok because I sensed something was not quite right. (I realise now that I’d started to ‘chase’ her a bit here...)

...instead of chilling out a bit, you suddenly try to contact her a bunch and start getting really needy. She's already skeptical about you, and then you suddenly change your behavior and start texting her and calling her when she isn't answering. This just annoys her a bit, and she's starting to get mixed feelings about how she feels about you now.

As I mentioned, none of these seem too plausible. Anyway, how do you guys think I should approach it from here? I quite like her and I’d like to keep seeing her. At the moment, I’m planning not to speak to her for a week, maybe longer and then get back in touch after some time apart. Is this the best approach or could she just drift further away?

This is kind of a tough one because you took a good situation where you were in control and changed into a bad one where she suddenly has the power because she feels a bit put off by you at the moment. You might have played the "aloof" card a bit too much, especially after meeting her parents. The issue here is, now that you'd like to keep seeing her, you are stuck in a role where you're depending on her to come and see you again because any chasing is only going to push her further away. You need to keep in mind that every action you take is a message to her, and she's going to interpret that message in a way that protects her emotions and reputation the most.

You might have to just let her come to you at this point and hope that she does. If she does, you need to be warm with her and show that you care (while you're in person).

- Franco

 

[JGS]

Hey Franco, thanks for the reply! The message that I sent to her which she ignored was just a message asking how she was feeling because when I last saw her she was a bit unwell - I wasn't making a booty call or anything like that. So there's nothing I can really point towards that would indicate why she might have gone cold (like an inappropriate booty call message), but rather, she gradually seemed to become less responsive and more distant.

Anyway, it's an interesting point you make about avoiding meeting friends and family for as long as possible, it's something that hasn't been a problem for me in the past and this one was kind of sprung on me at the last minute... I'll certainly be more conscious of it in the future.

As to where things are at now, we last spoke at the start of the week and neither of us have made contact since. I'll see how things go and hope she comes to me, as you mentioned, and I can take it from there.

Thanks for the advice!

 

[JGS]

So I've finally got the answer as to why she was acting differently. I got this message from her a few hours ago...

Hey,
So sorry I've been so slack at contacting you, I've just felt so anxious about having this conversation. Like you know I was in a pretty intense relationship a while ago now but it's still always on my mind and has been super tough to deal with. I'm not sure where everything is going with you but I just freaked out the other night and don't think I'm ready for whatever was developing. I'm still coping with breaking up and I think when we started seeing eachother a bit more, I just started getting super anxious. Absolutely nothing to do with you at all so please never think that, I just don't want to keep going when I'm not ready. I need more time to just be alone and figure some things out and continue to emotionally deal with leaving my ex for the reasons I did. I've been away the last few days and would have loved to have this conversation over the phone or in person but I know that I just had to say it now and not delay it anymore cause I've been such a meanie to you the past week!! I'm so sorry again but we will still be friends I hope and have fun together I just am not in the right place to continue with whatever was happening. Hope you've had a good week and let's speak soon xx

Everything she said about her previous relationship in the message is true - she moved overseas to live with the guy for quite a few years so she was obviously quite close to him and she broke up with him *recently* - although I'm not quite sure when that was. Anyway, I don't doubt her on that aspect. I'm just not sure as to whether she's using this as a convenient excuse not to see me anymore or whether she's genuinely having a hard time dealing with it. My guess would be that she's using it as an excuse.

So I don't think there's much I can do from here. What would you guys recommend? I've got a few other girls that I can focus more attention to but I much prefer this girl to any of them.

***EDIT: After thinking about it a bit more I decided I'm not going to waste any time pursuing this one from here. I just find it a bit strange that she'd invite me over to meet her family and then do such a backflip. My suspicion is that since she's quite recently single she probably wants to live the single/party life a bit more and using the ex was a convenient excuse not to see me anymore. Anyway, live and learn.***