Girl objecting to coming to mine for a date

[slashrfnr]

Been on a couple of dates with a girl from my work. Gone well so far. Known her for quite a while, but I had a don't date at work rule for a while. Couple of weeks a go, we met and she basically said she was interested in me. We have since been on 1 proper date.

Met her briefly after work yesterday, and told her to come to mine on Saturday for dinner, which she couldn't make because of her cousins wedding, so i suggested Friday. She agreed, we kissed blah blah

Get a text from her today saying ' Hey. I have to be at my cousins quite early on Saturday to help her get ready. I was wondering if you fancied going out in London instead of me coming to yours...maybe another picnic somewhere? I don't mind coming over but I will need to make sure I don't miss the last train'

I just replied along the lines of 'still come to mine. I've got ingredients for a nice arabic dish. It will be fine, don't worry. See you tomorrow'

Its plausible that she probably does have to be at her cousins early on Saturday. My read on this is that she either worried I just want to fuck her and leave, whereas she sees me as boyfriend material. Or, she is saying it so it doesn't make it seem like she is easy and that sex is definitely going to happen (i think she is worried of appearing like a slut, because she I know she had a one night stand with a colleague a year ago, and was worried about telling me, because he is a friend...I don't really care though). My plan is to get her back to mine, eat dinner, and escalate, with the thoughts she definitely wants it to happen, but won't admit it to herself.

However, a friend read it and thinks she might be nervous, because I live outside of London, to the east. I know I can't go back to hers because she still lives with her religious parents, and is Asian, so they aren't going to welcome a white guy in their house.

What are peoples opinions? Am I reading the situation right?

I think I want something serious with her. I've felt I can be more open and be vulnerable to her than I have with other girls, but I'm conscious that I need to sleep with her soon to cement things.

 

[Franco]

slash,

'still come to mine. I've got ingredients for a nice arabic dish. It will be fine, don't worry. See you tomorrow'

I think your text was probably a little too vague for her. "It will be fine, don't worry" doesn't exactly explain why it will be fine, since she needs to leave for this train. I think a better way to handle it would have been:

Her: Hey. I have to be at my cousins quite early on Saturday to help her get ready. I was wondering if you fancied going out in London instead of me coming to yours...maybe another picnic somewhere? I don't mind coming over but I will need to make sure I don't miss the last train
You: Gotcha. What time does that train leave?
Her: XX:XX
You: Ok, well I just grabbed the ingredients for this great Arabic dish that you have to try! You can stop by here, grab a bite to eat, and then I'll have you at the train stop no later than XX:YY. Sound good?
Her: Ok!

If she happens to refuse this, then just say it would be best to plan it when you can spend more time together then rather than "having a rushed dinner." But if she does accept, try to select a time that gives you enough time to escalate as well. If you cut it too close, then she's going to be too worried about making that train to feel comfortable sleeping with you.

- Franco

 

[slashrfnr]

Franco,

I probably was too vague, I agree. She hasn't responded to me yet, but its not negative.

My plan was too head to mine after work, and last train from mine is 11.30, so would give me enough time to cook and escalate. However, its plausible she might bail tomorrow for whatever reason. Given the logistics are bad, should I pre-empt her bailing, and choose a different idea, or cancel altogether, and just use my crazy housemate as an excuse (she knows that my housemate is weird about having other people staying at ours...i'm moving out soon). Obviously, not the best option, but might be better in the longterm.

Do you think my read on the objection was right? She seems pretty into me.

 

[Franco]

slash,

Do you think my read on the objection was right? She seems pretty into me.

Well, I'll think she's more likely to object because you didn't address her concern other than a "it'll be fine, don't worry." I'd say that's a pretty cliche phrase these days for, "I have no idea how it's going to work, so it probably won't, but who cares." It's not the most reassuring thing to hear!

It's certainly possible that she rejects your invitation even if you had worded it better, but the fact that she stated this:

I don't mind coming over but I will need to make sure I don't miss the last train

...tells me that it's more likely she just needed some reassurance from you that coming over would be okay. Usually when a girl still throws the option out there of coming over, it means she's hinting at getting some good leadership from you to make it happen. It's possible she's just very inexperienced and assumed you would just do the picnic (because a "nice" guy would switch plans for a girl because he thinks it makes him look better to do what she says they should do).

Your text wasn't terrible, but it (1) didn't address her concern clearly and (2) assumed compliance without requesting it. It's a bit forward/commanding but doesn't give her enough information, so it'll put her on edge a bit. She might end up just contacting you in a few hours saying something came up and she needs to make the first train and then ask for a rain check. Or maybe she'll accept your offer; if she does, make sure to capitalize!

EDIT: Don't pre-emptively do anything until she texts you back. The worst thing you can do is "double-text" a girl and change something without hearing from her. Girls are smart; she'll pick up on the fact that you felt like your first text wasn't good, so you must have been thinking about it the whole time and decided to send another one later because she hadn't responded yet.

- Franco

 

[slashrfnr]

Haha I haven't double texted. I know better than that.

What if she doesn't get back to me at all? I mean I should see her tomorrow at work. If I see her, and she hasn't text back, shall I ask her if she is still on for it, but then offer the cancellation on the basis that it would better to do it when it won't be as rushed? Something along the lines of ' Hey, are you still up for tonight? Or do you want to take a raincheck and plan it when we can spend more time together rather than having a rushed dinner.'

 

[Franco]

slash,

She'll get back to you in some form or another, especially if she works with you.

Given the way you left off with her from that last text, I don't really see any text that you could send now that would necessarily improve your situation. You basically took the stance of "everything is fine and I'll see you tomorrow," which means you wouldn't have any reason to text her again at this point.

The only text I could see you sending her is maybe 3 hours before the date or so along the lines of, "looking forward to tonight, <name> " But I suspect you'll hear from her before then.

- Franco

 

[slashrfnr]

Franco,

You're a scholar, and a gentleman.

Thanks for your advice.

Slash