Expectations Girl resisting a one sided open relationship

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
743
What's the best strategy to get a girl who says she would not be willing to share me to change her mind? What are the odds that it'll succeed?

I met this girl 6 months ago. At first very slowly, and then we started seeing each other more and more. Only 3 months ago did we sleep together for the first time, which was probably like the 10th date or something. Reason it took so long is she had trust issues and fear of abandonment after some bad relationships and was looking for something stable, and I was patient because I was sleeping with other girls.

Since then we've been apart for 1.5 months while I was travelling, so let's say we've spent 1.5 months together since sex. Honestly, it's great. First girl in years I could see in my life indefinitely. However, it won't be sustainable if I must be exclusive.

Pretty quickly after first sex she started bringing up a relationship. At first I deflected, but she kept bringing it up. When I eventually gave in to having that conversation, it went something like this (much much abbreviated)


She really liked the being boyfriend/girlfriend part, but didn't like the me sleeping with other girls part. She said that's something she couldn't do and if I slept with anyone else it'd end our relationship. No chance of agreement that day, so we agreed to continue the conversation another day. She asked that if I sleep with someone else to please tell her. The insinuation is that she'd end the relationship if I do. Btw she'd told me before she's the jealous type.

That's totally fine for an initial reaction - my approach was to prolong the discussion as much as possible over weeks or months, and let her come to me with time.

A few days later she told me me she'd been thinking about it and it's really been bothering her. We discussed it some more. I explained to her how it wouldn't change my feelings for her because men and women are different, evolution, kings have always had many women, etc. No resolution, but more stuff for her to ponder. We talked about it again another day, where we went even deeper and she told me that she's open minded and willing to learn from me, but at the same time can't imagine being with me if I sleep with other girls. Maybe if I'm out of the country for months, but not if it's just a few weeks' vacation and definitely not if I'm in the same city as her. She would feel like she doesn't fulfill me and wouldn't understand why I'm with her. I explained again that men and women are different and while for her as a women that's true, men don't get attached in the same way. She didn't accept it. I told her it's totally fine, I don't want to teach her or convince her or force her to do anything. I know about her abandonment issues and that this is very different from what she's used to, and I just want to fulfill her and maybe she'll feel differently when she feels more and more valued and secure with me. Another day she brought it up. This time she started crying that it's really bothering her and she knows she told me she's open minded and is willing to learn, but she takes it back and she can't do it. I consoled her and we were good for that day. She asked again that if I sleep with someone else to please tell her.

Meanwhile I haven't been sleeping with other girls, but it's been due to chance. I dropped the fuck buddies I wasn't really into because what's the point when I have her. I had 1 fuck buddy I would've kept, but shortly after starting to sleep with this girl, the fuck buddy dropped me. Since then I've met more girls, but I'm being very selective and also work has been crazy. So I've brought 2 girls home, but didn't manage to sleep with them.

So, what's my best path forward? I can only delay for so long - at some point she'll ask for a definitive answer. Also at some point I will sleep with someone else, at which point I'd be semi-lying if I didn't tell her since she asked me to.

She's crazy about me and I think she knows she can't replace me, so I have leverage. I'm also crazy about her so I want to find a way to make it work. Is it possible to convince a girl who feels this way?

Although this forum tends to come from a perspective of pickup and FWB, the principles guys are telling you about frame control are true.

You've been given a lot of stuff to think about, so I'll just talk about one thing. You say you want to keep things undefined. That's what a guy should do - until the girl asks for clarification. The point is that she is must come to negotiate with you, not the other way around.

But once she starts negotiating for the relationship, you have no choice but to define things clearly, unless you want a moody, bipolar and jealous girlfriend. This is necessary for her to maintain the right kind of respect for you - not simply the respect given to a man who dominates her emotions but who is able to be the leader in the relationship.

Something Chase mentions a lot which I have incorporated successfully into my relationships is to always give your girl clear choices and let her decide - don't decide for her, and don't give 'false' options that will either be retracted or changed. The crucial thing is that you give her the chance to say a clear 'no'. This is the definition of being able to walk away, and she knows it. If you can't do that, she knows your perspective can be changed - and it probably will too. And if it can't, she'll just end up an emotional mess.

I've never had an open relationship myself, in the past I've been fine spending my excess energy on my work and hobbies. I will probably try it in the next one though. But something I have heard that makes a lot of sense, which I will certainly test, is to find a special thing that you will only do for her - like eating together, cuddling, whatever, something that indicates a level of commitment and closeness - and mark that as what ranks her above other girls (and stick to it too). That way she can point her finger and say "ah the other girls don't get that, only me". Exactly how you would bring this up and lay it out I'm not sure - sometimes you've just got to try! But the psychological implication is important - it puts a boundary to her wild imagination of you falling in love with other girls, giving them the world, and leaving her behind.

Anyway, it does sound like this relationship is at odds with how you want to live your life, and it may be that you won't be able to sway her. But if she's going to bounce, better that it be from saying 'no' to a guy who lays it on the line, than a slow losing of respect for a guy who can't make up his mind.
 

determined

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Mar 14, 2013
Messages
165
Thank you guys! I definitely have a path forward now and realize some of my mistakes.

I think the biggest one is giving too freely. Because I wanted to give away certain things, I gave them quickly and for free, and so all I'm left to negotiate with are things I don't want to give away. She should feel a huge win that I even entertained her asking to be my girlfriend. Even if I'm very happy giving that to her, I need to have her work for it so she understands how valuable it is and wouldn't think that anything more than that would be on the table. Next time she brings up exclusivity, I'm going to rewind the relationship a bit and tell her that listen, you can still be the girl who's most special to me, this can still be a stable long term thing, and you can still call yourself my girlfriend. However, if I'm going to give that to you, here's how it works and here's what I want.

I see what you are saying about her being the one trying to lock it down. She is the one pursuing you, ultimately. Or so it would seem. Although, the history of you pursuing her for a period of months before sex occurred (am I correct here? Has she been the one pursuing you the whole time, or only after you two had sex?) adds another complex layer to the dynamic.
She was always pursuing me a bit more than I was her. After sex a lot more. It's true I was patient with sex, but I just don't think it's that big a deal. Most of our "dates" were just hanging out at my place, she knew I was sleeping with other girls and didn't need her, etc. Using Chase's framework, I had very high value and due to that low attainability, and therefore she was scared to sleep with me. Me "pursuing" was really just giving her time to get more comfortable.

Why exactly does this bother her? Specifics. Not something wishy-washy and vague.
She'd feel like she doesn't fulfill me, which would hit at her self esteem. I think this problem will go away if I fix the above. Her self esteem should be through the roof that I'm even entertaining her asking to be my girlfriend.

But once she starts negotiating for the relationship, you have no choice but to define things clearly, unless you want a moody, bipolar and jealous girlfriend.
Yup, a moody bipolar girl is what I have :). I messed up by not defining things clearly, and even before that I messed up by giving away things too easily.
 
Last edited:
Top