Girlfriend gets really mean when I don't do what she wants.

[ChrisCassi]

Girlfriend is extremely mean and hurtful when I don't do what she wants me to do.

She says really mean things to make me upset, like she doesn't care about me and that she a gonna go hang out with all the guys who like her. It's starting to get on my nerves cuz she starts a fight like this at least once a week.

Most recently, she originally told me that we couldn't hang out Sunday night cuz she was mad about something else at the time, so I said okay and made other plans with my friends. Now she asks me to hang out, and I tell her no cuz I have plans now and she flips shit on me. She wants me to either cancel my plans or bring her along, and since I won't do either cuz I'm just gonna chill with the bros and I had plans with them first, and since I won't do either she is really mean and says she doesn't care and that she's gonna hang out with better guys and what not.

Any advice on how to deal with this effectively?

 

[Franco]

Chris,

This might be partially on you or it all might be on her depending on what you're doing.

Most recently, she originally told me that we couldn't hang out Sunday night cuz she was mad about something else at the time, so I said okay and made other plans with my friends.

My first question when I read this was, "did you attempt to address what she's mad about? Or did you just say 'okay' and make plans with your friends, leaving her in an angry state?" If you didn't attempt to address her problem, then she probably still had every right to be mean and upset at you. It is very important that, whenever your girl is angry, you always make a strong effort to find out what's bothering her so that she feels like you care. If you attempt to address the problem and she just goes cold on you, then at least you can tell her later that you attempted to find out what's wrong but she decided to not tell you, and that you don't want to waste time if she isn't going to talk to you about things.

Now, if you ARE attempting to address these issues by asking her what's wrong and trying to deep dive to the problem, BUT she isn't being receptive, then you need to fight fire with fire. (NOTE: This is ONLY if you really feel like you've made a good attempt to address her concerns and she's just being a bitch for no apparent reason whatsoever. You need to make sure you point out to her that you're trying to find out what's wrong and that it's up to her to communicate with you).

she is really mean and says she doesn't care and that she's gonna hang out with better guys and what not.

If my girl were to say something like this when I've obviously made an effort to show that I care or want to solve her problem (if there actually is one), then I would retort with, "oh, so you want to hang out with better guys? You should go do that then. Obviously you seem to think that there are plenty of better guys out there than me to hang out with, so go for it. I'm going to go out with my friends because I mentioned to you multiple times that we had made plans for just us. I'm not really sure what time I'll be back, but it seems like you don't really give a damn at this point, so I'll be back whenever I feel like it."

Then you can just choose to walk out on her. Depending on the types of arguments and how far they escalate, you can kick her out of your apartment (if you're at your place) if it's necessary. Remember, these are things you should only be doing as a last resort, and it's only if she won't seem to open up to you at ALL about what's wrong. And before you start throwing shit in her face, you absolutely need to point out the fact that you made multiple attempts to address her concerns (i.e. "Babe, something is obviously bothering you. What is it?" and "You need to give me at least some hint as to what's bothering you, otherwise I'll assume that it has nothing to do with me and that you don't want to talk about it.")

Keep in mind that most girls say mean or hurtful things if they feel like you aren't doing a good job of addressing their worries and concerns. Most of the time this responsibility falls on you, unless you want to deal with mountains of drama that can be avoided just by talking to her and attempting to drill down to what's bothering her. Of course, if she's just being an absolute bitch about everything all the time (and it's something you don't want to deal with), then you might want to start considering whether this is a girl you even want to continue dating.

EDIT: These four articles are fantastic reads (and some of my absolute favorite on this website), and I suggest checking out all of them if you have time:

• Women and Drama
• Fighting in a Relationship: Causes and Cures
• Angry Girls: How to Deal with Angry Women and Why Women Get Mad
• Handling Women's Accusations

- Franco

 

[ChrisCassi]

Franco

Yes I actually have made attempts to find the source of them problem. In my example I did figure out what the problem was, and did solve it pretty quickly. It wasn't till the next day when she wanted to hang out and i told her I was busy that she got mad.

But it is possible also that I may not being showing I care enough, and sometimes that's more then likely the reason now that you bring it to my attention. Although lately she's been perfectly fine, up until something randomly sets her off.
Example, a couple weeks ago, she was talking about a concert we were going, and I told her a friend of mine was going to(it's a concert, so I can't really stop him from going), and she flipped shit on me cuz he was going with us. So I knew the problem, only thing was before I could attempted to solve I was under attack. Any advice on that?

Chris

 

[Franco]

Chris,

Yes I actually have made attempts to find the source of them problem. In my example I did figure out what the problem was, and did solve it pretty quickly.

It sounds like you're doing fine then if that's the case. She might just have a very heated and short-tempered personality. As long as you don't mind her random outbursts like that and you're capable of solving the issue quickly, then you don't have much to worry about.

Example, a couple weeks ago, she was talking about a concert we were going, and I told her a friend of mine was going to(it's a concert, so I can't really stop him from going), and she flipped shit on me cuz he was going with us. So I knew the problem, only thing was before I could attempted to solve I was under attack. Any advice on that?

You always have to start out calm and try to address the problem (and get her to agree on what exactly the problem is). For example, I could see your conversation going something like this:

Her: "You didn't tell me about this shit! Why is he coming with us?!"
You: "Ok, wait a minute. Why are you upset that he's coming? It's a concert, and I can't really stop him from doing what he wants to do."
Her: "Well I just thought it was going to be us two and you didn't even ask me if I wanted him to come!"
You: "Ok, so you're upset because you thought this was going to be just us two going to a concert, and now Tyler is coming and you're upset?"
Her: "Yes!"
You: "Ok, well I'm sorry I didn't inform you that he was coming with us. I probably should have mentioned something to you, I just didn't realize that it would bother you. I can't do anything about it now, but I'll make sure to bring it up next time before inviting someone."
Her: "Thank you."

This is assuming that she's upset because she thought it was just going to be you two together and you invited a third party without her knowledge. If you notice, the first thing I do is try to get to the source of the problem (which is that she's upset because she thought it was just going to be you two and you invited someone else without asking if it was okay). Once you get to the source of the problem, you have to decide whether or not her concern is reasonable. In the above example, her concern would be reasonable because you mishandled her expectations (of you two being alone together at the concert), so you apologize for not taking this into account and tell her that you will address the problem the next time it arises.

If she doesn't have a good reason for being upset and is simply trying to get a rise out of you, then you need to address it the way I mentioned above (which is to raise your voice and fight fire with fire). Again, it all depends on what is causing her to act this way, and that determines how you address it. This is why it's always important to get to the source of the problem first and foremost.

- Franco

 

[ChrisCassi]

Franco

Our conversation went exactly you describe all the way up until the apology. I guess I mistook the article where Chase said don't apologize into the wrong context, thanks for pointing that out.

Though I did apologize fairly quickly(not in the way you describe), and her response was saying thay I always do shit like that or whatever.

Just one last example(kinda like the original one), I was planning on going to a concert a couple weeks ago, and then plans fell through and I ended up going and hanging out with some friends instead. Girlfriend finds out, and flips on me cuz I didn't ask her to hang out(cuz apparently she though we might hang out if I didn't go to said concert), and went out with the guys instead. Should I apologize for that or no?

Chris

 

[Franco]

Chris,

Just one last example(kinda like the original one), I was planning on going to a concert a couple weeks ago, and then plans fell through and I ended up going and hanging out with some friends instead. Girlfriend finds out, and flips on me cuz I didn't ask her to hang out(cuz apparently she though we might hang out if I didn't go to said concert), and went out with the guys instead. Should I apologize for that or no?

Again, this all depends on what you communicated to her beforehand. Did you tell her you would hang out with her if your concert plans fell through? Whether or not you apologize really depends on what expectations you gave her, and if those were the wrong expectations and you didn't follow through, then that's when you apologize.

If you never told her you were going to hang out with her if your plans fell through, then you don't have any reason to apologize. As far as you're concerned, the concert was supposed to happen and that was supposed to be time you were going to spend with your friends (and she knew that). You would have expected her to have her own plans at this point while you hung out with your friends.

So I think the thing to keep in mind is that communication is important. There are two times you apologize:

• 1) You communicated one thing to her, but then did something else. You should definitely apologize if you told her you were going to do one thing (and made her believe that) and then did something else without informing her about it -- if it's something important anyway. Obviously this only applies to things she would care about.
  
  2) You lacked telling her something that was obviously important to her, which in turn caused a miscommunication between you two since one of you was expecting one thing while the other was expecting something else. This is what happened in my last post that I provided an example for.

If everything was clear between you two about what was supposed to happen and then she gives you shit about it anyway, that's when you don't apologize and instead explain to her where she is mistaken (and, if necessary, escalate the fight).

- Franco

 

[Chase]

Chris-

This:

Girlfriend is extremely mean and hurtful when I don't do what she wants me to do.

She says really mean things to make me upset, like she doesn't care about me and that she a gonna go hang out with all the guys who like her. It's starting to get on my nerves cuz she starts a fight like this at least once a week.

Most recently, she originally told me that we couldn't hang out Sunday night cuz she was mad about something else at the time, so I said okay and made other plans with my friends. Now she asks me to hang out, and I tell her no cuz I have plans now and she flips shit on me. She wants me to either cancel my plans or bring her along, and since I won't do either cuz I'm just gonna chill with the bros and I had plans with them first, and since I won't do either she is really mean and says she doesn't care and that she's gonna hang out with better guys and what not.

Any advice on how to deal with this effectively?

Tells me you have one of two problems:

• You're a completely inconsiderate asshole, or
• Your girlfriend has very little respect for you and/or is cluster B

If it was the first, this would only happen:

Example, a couple weeks ago, she was talking about a concert we were going, and I told her a friend of mine was going to(it's a concert, so I can't really stop him from going), and she flipped shit on me cuz he was going with us. So I knew the problem, only thing was before I could attempted to solve I was under attack. Any advice on that?

... if she has been putting up with this behavior from you for a LONG time and has suffered by and said or done nothing while you ignored her to the point where now she is blowing up at you and can't take it anymore. Think 8+ months of her suffering in silence and seeming progressively less happy as you've ignored her and run around with the boys, making her feel publicly humiliated and undesired.

If it HASN'T been extreme like this, then here's what I see:

Spotting (and Avoiding) Cluster B Women

Symptoms of BPD

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I'm always wondering when my husband is going to leave me. When is that day going to come when he decides he's finally had enough? And because it's always on my mind, I translate everything he does to mean he doesn't want me anymore. When he goes to his friends house, I think he's trying to get away from me or that there must be a woman at his friends. If he walks away while talking on the phone, I think he's talking to (or about) another woman. If he's late coming home from work, I think he doesn't want to be around me or I wonder if he's cheating on me. If I put on make-up and he doesn't say anything, I think he doesn't even care enough to notice me. If he accidentally falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed, I think he must not want to sleep with me anymore. If he wants to go to the store by himself, I think he doesn't want to be seen with me.

Because these thoughts keep roaming around my head, I've tried to control my husband. I thought if I controlled him, those feelings would go away. I asked him to spend less time with his friends, so he did. I told him he had to quit walking away while he was on the phone and he did. I told him to come straight home from work. And he did. I told him to stop falling asleep on the couch so he started sitting up in the recliner instead. I told him if he was going somewhere, I wanted him an automatic invitation. And he let me.

I know you were reading this and thinking "Poor man!" so you'll be happy to know that since I got help, I'm not near as smothering. Yes, I'm still worried my husband will leave me. But now I'm able to think rationally about his actions and not attribute everything he does to mean he doesn't want me.

If that latter's the case, either you need to bail (savvier choice, but hard to do once you're emotionally involved), or you need to start fighting fire with fire:

• Brain Hacks: Using Moral Superiority to Turn Arguments
• Operant Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships
• Beating Your Girlfriend at Her Own Blame Game

... because so long as you're trapped in a, "Well, I gave the mouse a cookie, and now she wants a glass of milk and is saying I'm a total douchebag if I don't give it to her, so I guess what's the harm in that? It's just a glass of milk after all, and I don't want to be a total douchebag," mentality, you're headed for trouble.

Chase