Girlfriend Going Out With Friends

[Ambiance]

One of the hardest lessons of my life was not to date party girls. I may still be learning it though, since my girlfriend is in a sorority, and though she wasn't going out when we met each other, she wanted to go out with her friends for her birthday.

Since then I've been trying to figure out what I am okay with and what I am not.

Part of me wants nothing to do with having a girlfriend who goes out ever. The other part of me thinks that going out is okay if we're going out together, but that her going out without me is unacceptable.

My reasoning is I have nothing to gain and everything to lose with her going out. The Whirlwind of Chaos as Chase calls it is no joking matter. It's up there with the worst feelings known to man.

What do you guys think? Keep in mind my goal is to build the strongest and healthiest relationships possible.

 

[Hue]

Ambiance,

I don't have a whole lot to say here, but I will throw my two cents in.

1). You can't control anybody, only nudge them in certain directions. If she wants to party, she ultimately will. It's good that you have her checking with you as to if that's okay though, and it sounds like you have a lot of control in the relationship. That said, you have to be careful how much you compromise with how things are set up right now, because compromise is a slipperly slope.

2). Just because she goes out and parties sometimes, or she wants to party for her birthday (very normal for people to want to go out for their birthday), or even that she's in a sorority, does not make her a party chick.

There are plenty of very responsible girls in sororities who don't go out all that much, and don't like that shit. Usually they have leadership positions and spend a large amount of time with their boyfriends. I know plenty of girls like this, and plenty of girls that go home early from parties because the later they stay out the more aggressive drunk guys get, and the less energy they'll have for their responsibilities the next day. So out of respect to their boyfriends and themselves they don't give themselves that allowance.

A party chick is doing things like going out like 3-4 times a week, getting drunk often, doing drugs, and perhaps fucking guys. From what I've seen you write about Destiny I doubt that she checks any of those boxes. Personally, I think it's totally reasonable for her to go out for her birthday with her friends, but that's just me.


You also could go out with her, but make it clear this is a special occasion. As in, do it for the night, but don't let her get the idea that this will become regular or that she can push you to doing that. Once you break the seal (compromise) she'll persist into getting you to do it more and more. That's why relationships are tricky, because sometimes compromise is pretty reasonable, but nonetheless has the psychological effect of "if I got him to once, I can again".


Hue

 

[Fuck This]

Being a sorority girl is a long ways from being a groupie backstage at a Motley Crue concert. It is important for a woman in your life to have female friends so you are not burdened with being her emotional tampon. You ALSO have to develop a MALE social circle so as to have an outlet for the role we fill as a Warrior and leader.

Believe me you DO NOT want a woman who cannot create and nuture friendships with her own gender. You will end up with a bitter and hostile woman who relies on you for all her emotional support, and resents you having your own interests. Believe me, I was married to one for 20 years.

Unless you are going to work for her family's company and will be groomed to take over, I'd be very wary of committing to a woman in college. So much growth and opportunities occurs just out of school, that It is a shame to have a wife and family hold you back....

Hue Said many wise things above. You are showing YOUR insecurity.

 

[Ambiance]

Whats Up Hue

Really appreciate your timely reply.

1). You can't control anybody, only nudge them in certain directions. If she wants to party, she ultimately will. It's good that you have her checking with you as to if that's okay though, and it sounds like you have a lot of control in the relationship. That said, you have to be careful how much you compromise with how things are set up right now, because compromise is a slipperly slope.

You're absolutely right. I can't control her in the end, and try not to because I know at the very least it will build resentment in the long run. And like you said, compromising is very dangerous, and I did fuck up allowing her to go out without me.

2). Just because she goes out and parties sometimes, or she wants to party for her birthday (very normal for people to want to go out for their birthday), or even that she's in a sorority, does not make her a party chick.

There are plenty of very responsible girls in sororities who don't go out all that much, and don't like that shit. Usually they have leadership positions and spend a large amount of time with their boyfriends. I know plenty of girls like this, and plenty of girls that go home early from parties because the later they stay out the more aggressive drunk guys get, and the less energy they'll have for their responsibilities the next day. So out of respect to their boyfriends and themselves they don't give themselves that allowance.

A party chick is doing things like going out like 3-4 times a week, getting drunk often, doing drugs, and perhaps fucking guys. From what I've seen you write about Destiny I doubt that she checks any of those boxes. Personally, I think it's totally reasonable for her to go out for her birthday with her friends, but that's just me.

Here we might differ a bit. I see your point about going out or a birthday being a normal thing to do. And I certainly agree it is a spectrum- some girls who go out aren't nearly as into it, and risks associated with dating them are lower. Destiny seems to be of this mold.

However, a girlfriend going out can only hurt your relationship. At the very least, she is constantly being reminded of how many options she has, and is getting indoctrinated in party culture, which is anathema to relationship stability. This means she won't treat you as well as she would otherwise, won't be as serious about the relationship, and may even become the One-Up. Which of course leads to...

...The Whirlwind of Chaos. Having your confidence undermined, having your efforts to focus on ANYTHING other than her be sabotaged, and forcing you to chase after her. Even if a girlfriend was totally loyal and didn't even look at a single guy all night, I'd rather be single (or dead!) than have to endure the Whirlwind of Chaos.

You also could go out with her, but make it clear this is a special occasion. As in, do it for the night, but don't let her get the idea that this will become regular or that she can push you to doing that. Once you break the seal (compromise) she'll persist into getting you to do it more and more. That's why relationships are tricky, because sometimes compromise is pretty reasonable, but nonetheless has the psychological effect of "if I got him to once, I can again".

This is what I now wish I had done. Early in our relationship I was adamant about not going out with girlfriends, having read Chase's thoughts on the matter. This would have been far better than allowing her to go out by herself, however. It probably also would have been harmless, and even fun, since I am likely going to be one of the hottest guys at a club, and Destiny doesn't have strong partying tendencies.

At the very least, now I know where I stand, and I'm not making this mistake ever again.

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, it was very insightful and affirming.

 

[Ambiance]

@ Fuck This

Being a sorority girl is a long ways from being a groupie backstage at a Motley Crue concert. It is important for a woman in your life to have female friends so you are not burdened with being her emotional tampon. You ALSO have to develop a MALE social circle so as to have an outlet for the role we fill as a Warrior and leader.

Believe me you DO NOT want a woman who cannot create and nuture friendships with her own gender. You will end up with a bitter and hostile woman who relies on you for all her emotional support, and resents you having your own interests. Believe me, I was married to one for 20 years.

Unless you are going to work for her family's company and will be groomed to take over, I'd be very wary of committing to a woman in college. So much growth and opportunities occurs just out of school, that It is a shame to have a wife and family hold you back....

Hue Said many wise things above. You are showing YOUR insecurity.

I really appreciate your reply.

You're very right about the dangers with woman who struggle to make and retain friendships with other women. It's unhealthy. However, I'd argue combating this fact by throwing oneself into party life is not much better.

You're also right about sororities not being all about partying, or requiring their members to party in order to succeed within the sorority. They certainly promote the lifestyle though, and attract girls with partying tendencies. If a Motley Crue groupie would be a hard no for anything other than hooking up, a sorority girl would be more towards the middle and require more screening than usual.

What you said about being held back by a girlfriend while in college and first developing my career is something I'm all too aware of. This relationship has been worth it though, even now. Will it continue to be? Probably not, like you said. It will be up to me to make the right call down the road if and when I need to decide between advancing myself or hanging on to her.

Thanks again for giving me your thoughts. I agreed with a lot of them.