Girlfriend has difficulty showing affection

[Bboy100]

So, I find myself in a relationship with a new girlfriend. She's amazing. Has exactly the look I like in women (long blonde hair, blue eyes. I know, so typical! LOL). Super intelligent, super fit (fucking runs marathons every weekend lol), really witty and fun to hang out with, doesn't drink or smoke, is emotionally mature, has two masters degrees and a fairly prestigious job at her company, and even though she appears to be standoffish (due to the reasons I'll explain below), I've recently discovered that she's actually a really kind person at heart. Also, she's one of the most resilient people I know. 95% of the people who have gone through the shit she's gone through in life are completely broken. She not only survived, but grew into a better person because of them.

Anyways...the only thing is,she has trouble showing affection. Like...even when I hug her, she doesn't really know what to do. She just kinda awkwardly puts her arms around me LOL. But there's no emotional reciprocation to this. It just feels...cold. Same thing with any form of cuddling, verbal affirmations of affection (e.g. telling her I appreciate her, or that she means a lot to me) etc. Also, she can't orgasm during sex. Never has, and she thinks she never will. She's very aware of these issues, and she would like to improve on this. So far my strategy has been to lead by example. I've been extra affectionate with her, because I think this mostly comes from

1. Fear of vulnerability. She has an exasperated fear of rejection. So she emotionally clams up and appears more aloof, less interested and less invested than she actually is (This is not speculation on my part. She's directly told me this is true.).

2. Her family never showed much affection. So she's never really learned how to be affectionate. Interestingly enough, my family was the same way. But for me, there was an opposite effect. I am SUPER affectionate with women I meet. Especially in the form of physical touch (cuddling, holding her hand, putting my arm around her etc.).

So...by being super affectionate with her, I hope she will shed her fear of vulnerability because I am being vulnerable with her...which means she'll see that I'm at least as invested in the relationship as she is, thus hopefully helping her feel more free to express her own feelings towards me (which I know are there because we've had discussions about this before. She tells me she likes me, she just doesn't know how to express it). Also, I hope that by being affectionate with her, she'll learn how to express her own feelings vicariously.

As I've spent more time with her and gotten to know her, she's been able to open up more than she did at the start. Even if it's just a little more. So I know we're making progress. Ever so slowly. Having said that, I've never actually tried these strategies out, as I've never ran into a girl who has as much trouble expressing her feelings for a guy as this girl. So I'm not sure what the result will be. What do you guys think?

 

[Cacc]

Well Chase always talks about choosing the right girl for you. If you want an affectionate lovey dovey girl then get one of those girls. Don't go in a rship looking to change a girl because it probably won't work.

I read somewhere that women who don't orgasm from sex is because they are very guarded and do not fully let go during intercourse.

I'd be careful about showing emotions while she's more reserved cus that can tip the rship dynamics no?

Isn't it the person with more power puts in less effort and less emotion and the other person puts more?

Because it looks like you might be the one putting in more effort to change her.

 

[Bboy100]

If you want an affectionate lovey dovey girl then get one of those girls. Don't go in a rship looking to change a girl because it probably won't work.

Yeah. I've talked extensively about this with her. She actually wants to be capable of better expressing her emotions. I didn't have to convince her. She's not doing it for me. She's doing it for herself. And she's shown me that she's legitimately putting in effort. It's not just talk. So normally, I would agree with you. If she was telling me that she likes it the way it is and that she doesn't want to change, I would not date her. But this is not the case. She really wants to increase the quality of her relationships, and she's serious about it. So I'm more than happy to stick by her side and help her as best as I can.

Which brings me to...

I'd be careful about showing emotions while she's more reserved cus that can tip the rship dynamics no?

Isn't it the person with more power puts in less effort and less emotion and the other person puts more?

Because it looks like you might be the one putting in more effort to change her.

A few things to say about this. First of all...I don't give a fuck about "relationships dynamics" and "who has power in a relationship". I respectfully disagree with Chase here. I think none of that stuff is really all that important. I think what's important is that you both have the same vision for the relationship (i.e. you both want the same thing from the relationship. Yes, I do think that's possible). And that you're both willing to face any issues together without attacking or criticizing one another. So my point is, I think relationships are a cooperative effort. Not a combative one. Once you look at it through those lens, "who has power" in the relationship becomes mostly irrelevant. Because there is mutual trust. Even if she has "power" I would trust her to use it wisely and that she consider my needs. And if I'm the one who "has power", I would do the same for her. As a result, I don't feel like I need to worry about that. <--- As a caveat, I could be wrong about all this. There are plenty of Senior members here who have had far longer relationships than I have. And for many of them, taking "who has power" into account is important. But for the time being, the way I see relationships has served me personally better.

Having said that...you're right about one thing. It's almost never good if one person is more invested in the relationship than the other. So, if I was sitting here doing all the work myself, and she sat back not even trying...yeah that would be bad. Buuuut...she actually is trying. It's just that her demons are more internal. Her job is to find courage to express how she feels...even a little bit. That's very difficult for her, and thus requires a lot of investment on her part. Even if you don't see as much action externally. From a technical standpoint, her telling me how she feels about me once takes more emotional investment than it takes for me to say it to her 10x. Because being emotionally vulnerable is just MUCH easier for me than it is for her. Ergo, even from a technical standpoint, there is balance.

I read somewhere that women who don't orgasm from sex is because they are very guarded and do not fully let go during intercourse.

Yep. That's what I've been thinking too. I'm almost sure her lack of ability to orgasm has to do with her difficulty just letting go and fully giving herself to me and to the experience. Because that would require vulnerability. Which is not something she's used to showing.

 

[Sandman]

Sorry mate seems like a white knight situation for me. There is a girl who wants to change but needs your help while you invest in the relationship more and more? I have no doubt that she has those problems at the same time I don't think you working towards changing her will help that much. Be happy with who she is and if she does change it will be a bonus.

That said I also know you probably don't want the advice above so much so just putting it out there, have you or your girl have any experience with drugs? I don't condone it for legal reasons but some drugs (well x, as I hear) can make showing affection very easy. And if that barrier is broken maybe she will find it easier to do when sober.

For orgasms, I suggest you buy her a vibrator. When she learns how to orgasm on her own, it will be easier to orgasm with you.

 

[mindful]

This personally would annoy me as I like girls that are affectionate. This sounds like a deep-seeded issue for her. The question is... how much do you value her as a girlfriend and whether you want to gamble and see if she opens up the way you want her to for you to be happy with the level of affection.

Not trying to knock the girl, but she doesn’t know how to handle a hug? Like... that is just weird man. Especially if she is your girlfriend and should have a comfort and certain level of intimacy with you.

I’ve been in situations like this before, not this particular issue, but with girls that definitely had emotional issues. In most cases, the need to “change” her spiked my level of attraction for her. This is a dangerous road. Nowadays, if a girl isn’t mostly what I need right out of the box so to speak, I don’t invest in her. Plenty of girls out there man, find one that gives you what you need... ESPECIALLY for a gf.

Also, just remember this is all about her. This is something internal that she has to deal with. You can talk about it, but logic doesn’t produce results with women, which I’m sure you know.

I hope this helps.

 

[Bboy100]

Gentleman, sorry for the late response. Had a busy week!

Mindful,

Yeah. This stuff does come from some pretty deep seated issues. Neglected to include them because that would take forever to write everything up (and include proper context). But again...they still fit the same general trend as my OP. Basically, she's been working on them and we're seeing results. They were a lot worse before, and she's been on an upward trend. Since before I even met her. So I feel like things will only get better.

I’ve been in situations like this before, not this particular issue, but with girls that definitely had emotional issues. This is a dangerous road.

Yeah. I do agree that overall, this is a high risk relationship. But even if it all goes to shit, I'll definitely learn a lot from it and turn out better for it in the end (in fact, I've already learned a little bit about myself and it's only been a few months!). So I think it'll be worth it either way.

Having said that, tell me more about this. What was your experience like? I ask because I've seen this a lot too. And normally I would not bother with a relationship like this either. The difference here is that:

1. She's made the decision to improve herself on her own. Independent of me.

2. As mentioned above, based on what he tells me, she's already improved (and in the past couple months, I've personally seen progress, at least in the context of our relationship!).

3. This is a relationship which for the time being, is otherwise very rewarding. This is only but one issue in an otherwise great experience.

I feel like this makes the situation different because I have tangible evidence that things are likely to keep getting better, and I don't really have to push her or try to make her change. I merely have to assist her in something she's already chosen and has shown she is capable of doing. This is a very important difference. If it was one without the other (e.g. a girl who wants to and says she'll change, but hasn't shown any promise of being capable of doing so, or a girl who IS capable of change, but chooses not to), I would definitely avoid any type of ongoing relationship with her.

But maybe you've been in a situation which was exactly the same as this one. If so, please let me know how it turned out

Sandman,

Sorry mate seems like a white knight situation for me. There is a girl who wants to change but needs your help while you invest in the relationship more and more? I have no doubt that she has those problems at the same time I don't think you working towards changing her will help that much. Be happy with who she is and if she does change it will be a bonus.

As mentioned above, she has had these issues for a while, but they were 10x worse (also, she had a variety of other issues which she has now overcome). Based on what she tells me about herself, if I had met her a few years ago, I would not have went on more than one date with her lol. To put it simply, she went from a girl who most would label as "crazy" to someone who's totally datable, attractive and functions very well in her daily life. So she's definitely been improving. In general, I think you're right about this. Most people fail to change, even if they want to. But she seems to be one of the few exceptions here.

As for the investment issue, read my response to Cacc, he had a similar concern. Let me know what you think

That said I also know you probably don't want the advice above so much so just putting it out there, have you or your girl have any experience with drugs? I don't condone it for legal reasons but some drugs (well x, as I hear) can make showing affection very easy. And if that barrier is broken maybe she will find it easier to do when sober.

As stubborn as I am, I actually do want the advice. I'm just usually have a lot of questions about it XD
And naw, neither of us want to do drugs. Would be especially bad for me because I have epilepsy lol

Will try a vibrator, hopefully it'll help

 

[mindful]

Just from a high level, I've had a few instances with girls that I thought that as time went on their issue would magically disappear because i'm fucking awesome ya know? Wrong.

In one case, this girl really burned me bad. I got into a relationship with her and she just wasn't the type of girl that wanted that at the time, because she liked being "free". However, she really liked me as well and wanted to give it a try... and it just didn't work out. I have to admit, this was a few years back and I just didn't have the experience needed for that type of situation, nor should I have gotten in relationship with her.

Either way, this girl had her own internal issues and not even I could get her to stay in a relationship, she needed to constantly be free so she could act on her urges with other guys if she so chose.

Fast-forward over a year later. This girl pings me out of the blue. Tells me how sorry she is for how she was and how selfish she was and that she just needed to grow up. She wanted to meet me in person to apologize but at that point i had moved to another state.

Again, with girls that have their own personal issues, it's something that just takes time. Having said that, and one case that was more on the extreme side, I think you have a good shot here... but there is never a guarantee. Since it sounds like everything is great with this girl besides the showing of affection, I would say see how it plays out... at least for the learning experience.

Good luck dude!