Drama  Girlfriend thinks I have a toxic view of masculinity and I am not sure how to handle it.

Skills

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
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@uriel, she had a very rough experience. Her first and only boyfriend broke up with her suddenly after 11 years, in the middle of last year, a few months before we started dating. I know that while she keeps her composure on the surface, deep down it has had a huge effect on her (as it would anyone in that situation) and she doesn't want to be hurt again.

Thanks for the other responses TominHo and Chase, will find time to respond properly when I can

Beam this is huge, and @uriel hit it right on the nail...... Bro, i went crazy for months, trying to analyze why i could not bang the girl i am seeing right now the first night, it drove me insane, i made a post and video on it, talk to many guys etc.... Even after all this i could not figure it out..... I interviewed her, got her to open up etc... went literarily crazy obsessed over the answer....

A year later some dude bang a virgin (i think bismark and velasco), and i made a post about how virgin now a days are different, got her to talk to me about how she lost her virginity for the post....... Then BANG a year fucking later after driving me crazy with an answer of why i did not fuck her on the first night.... FINALLY I GOT MY MILLION DOLLAR ANSWER..... Turns out her best friend from years took her virginity, and then after years of friendship and her giving it up Ghosted and cut all friendship..... A freaking year to come to that (she also said "oh i never thought about this"...
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 17, 2019
Messages
773
Beam this is huge, and @uriel hit it right on the nail...... Bro, i went crazy for months, trying to analyze why i could not bang the girl i am seeing right now the first night, it drove me insane, i made a post and video on it, talk to many guys etc.... Even after all this i could not figure it out..... I interviewed her, got her to open up etc... went literarily crazy obsessed over the answer....

A year later some dude bang a virgin (i think bismark and velasco), and i made a post about how virgin now a days are different, got her to talk to me about how she lost her virginity for the post....... Then BANG a year fucking later after driving me crazy with an answer of why i did not fuck her on the first night.... FINALLY I GOT MY MILLION DOLLAR ANSWER..... Turns out her best friend from years took her virginity, and then after years of friendship and her giving it up Ghosted and cut all friendship..... A freaking year to come to that (she also said "oh i never thought about this"...
Yeah, it took me a long time for her to be comfortable sleeping with me. She was pretty upfront early on about this though - she told me it happened matter of factly on the first or second date.
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
773
@Beam

On the surface it may seem like your woman just wants to debate pickup with you, but what is really happening is she's shit testing your core beliefs.

Women do this in relationships all the time. They pry and probe to find something you care about and will test to see if they can get you to change and shift your beliefs to appease them... Which is actually a test on your strength and leadership

The best way to deal with these frame battles is to avoid them, and draw a hard line in your boundaries

Beam: "Baby I love you, but I'm also very passionate about pickup. It looks like we don't share the same ideals on this so lets just not talk about it anymore"

Girlfriend: "But blah, blah, blah, blah"

Beam: "......... By the way, What are we eating for dinner?"

If she continues to pester you then do what @Alpha13SC suggested and next her for a few days for creating drama. Because as the leader of the relationship, you must train your woman on how to relate with you by using punish/reward. You do this for the health of the relationship to keep things as positive as possible

Because you sticking around and giving her attention while she's being whiny and argumentative is giving her positive reinforcement for being a drama queen. Meaning that if you don't take action to correct her behavior, the drama will increase in frequency and intensity

And if she can't accept your leadership, then IMO she's dispensable and can be replaced with another woman that would happily fall within your frame harmoniously.

Hate to say it, but women seem to function better in relationships when you display that you care about them, but are also willing get rid of them without hesitation if they cause you too much trouble

Hmm, so last night we were talking and the root of the issue is uncovering. She's not pestering for the sake of pestering. She is not being whiny and argumentative - when she brings up these conversations she genuinely seems sad and fearful. The root issue is that she doesn't feel I am creating enough space for her, she isn't able to fully relax around me because of my at times hot and cold behavior (I forgot to text her back recently and then two days passed - this caused her to think that I didn't care about her). She told me that she doesn't feel emotionally safe, that she has baggage from what happened (her partner broke up with her suddenly after 11 years) but that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with me because she doesn't feel I have the capacity to deal with it, and also she doesn't want to open up if "you're going to run away in 1-2 weeks". She fears my involvement in the pickup community precisely for this reason, because it doesn't make her feel safe and secure in the relationship...

She wants to know I care about her, but demonstrating that I can replace her rather seems to, rather than making her work harder or do things for me, makes her upset and fearful. As an example, she hates when I talk about past experiences with other women or any reminders that I have been with other women.
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
773
Every time I have had a conversation like this, what I hear is this:

“I’d like you to be more a pussy.”
How have these conversations gone for you? What has been the tone from your girlfriends - argumentative, bossy? Because in my girls case, she seems genuinely fearful and distraught about the whole situation. I mentioned it in TominHos post but she was hurt so badly from her breakup, she fears opening up to me because she is afraid I don't truly care for her based on some hot and cold behaviour from me (accidentally), and is afraid my involvement in the community will get in the way of the relationship - she wants to feel emotionally safe, to let herself go into this because she doesn't want to be hurt again.

The response from me is always something like this:

“I understand you’re saying you’d like me to be more of a pussy. It’s a pretty weird coincidence though that there are tons and tons of pussy men out there, and that you yourself had plenty of them hanging around you wanting to date you, and yet you wanted me and even pushed me for a relationship. Don’t you think it’s weird you chose a guy who is NOT a pussy, when you could just pick a guy who’s a pussy? Then you wouldn’t have to turn him into ‘now a pussy’, because he’d already be that. Weird, right?”

Then she can try to explain how it is not that she wants you to be a pussy, but [whatever it is she is trying to say]. Her telling you, “No, that’s not what I mean, what I really mean is X,” is always to your favor, because she is forced to drill down to specific behaviors she wants you to change, some of which may be reasonable, some of which won’t be, but regardless it is no longer a sweeping “you’ve gotta just turn into someone completely different who I won’t be attracted to any longer” speech.
She has been pretty reasonable about her requests actually. Putting aside the pickup stuff, it seems that when I text her somewhat frequently, show her that I care for her between when we see each other (twice a week) she is satisfied.

Also, me being the attractive guy she wanted a relationship with and using that as a trump card is another discussion topic in itself - she is now unsure of how much of that was true, she feels I tricked her on some level by not revealing how involved in the community I was before we got into a relationship. Her perception of the first couple of months together seem to have been tainted - like others have said, she is now poking to see how strong I actually am.

Every time a woman is trying to change you, the question to ask yourself is always, “What is she trying to change me into?”

There’s a difference, too, between, “Can you change this one unhealthy behavior you have?” versus, “I need you to just totally change who you are.”

The latter you need to call out, mock as ridiculous, and force her to get specific about specific behaviors she thinks you should adjust.

So far it's only the texting frequency and opening myself up, making space for her so that she can relax into the relationship. She has been very reasonable. She is mature so I don't expect her to try to fundamentally change who I am, she just wants to find out what is actually real.



As for her different drill down questions, get in the habit of asking for examples.

“You don’t like it when I take control in the bedroom.” —> “Can I get an example of that so I understand what we’re talking about here?”

When girls are moody, they will make big sweeping accusations / draw major inferences based off a single incident of something they’ve made blown up in their heads, simply for the sake of having it as firepower.

Have her spell out the specific incidents, and they are almost always some kind of misinterpretation.
Ha, she has done this many times so far. Bringing out tiny missteps on my part from months ago as ammunition. In all cases, while she has interpreted them as me not caring, most of the time it has just been an oversight on my part. But I wonder if these oversights are because I don't value her as much as I think I do - this could be the case - she is very perceptive...

As for her thinking you are being brainwashed… again, make it specific:

“Okay, what is one of the thoughts I have that has been brainwashed into me?”

Keep taking big, sweeping “you need to totally change your personality for me” things and forcing her to make them specific, with specific examples, because arguments about giant, sweeping issues are infinite and unwindable, but specific-point arguments you can resolve quick
Noted. Last night we had a good discussion on this where I essentially told her that everything I have said and demonstrated to her, is something that I have experienced on some level, and that I have never taken anything from the site and parroted it back to her, that I have read, tried, experienced and then started believing. She seemed to come around at the end.
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
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Messages
773
You want me to cut right to the chase on why my quick answer is Breakup with her?

You actually didn't create enough space for her.

You asking for one thing,
And then display another.
But that's not the issue.

The issue here is that almost high level guys on this forum post already smell that you have bigger problems than the surface level. So, you have to consider that we might see something that you kinda don't.

z@c+

p.s: I'm deleting this in 5 mins -.-
I don't fully understand. Are you saying that if I truly valued her, that I would have made space of my own accord? And that the fact I haven't made space for her means I don't value her and therefore should break up?

I'm not sure what you think I'm asking for and what I'm displaying..
 

trashKENNUT

Cro-Magnon Man
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Messages
6,553
Are you saying that if I truly valued her, that I would have made space of my own accord? And that the fact I haven't made space for her means I don't value her

I would not say value her. I'm sure you already value her.

I'm noting in your earlier earlier post that you want her to be this and do this and then that you are so frustrated with yourself and noted that you protect yourself, that she felt being less valued, and feel the brunt of all your troubles.

The latter part of the sentence where females feel that they bear the brunt of all your troubles. That's normal.

That's not something you should worry about. That's all females. That's their nature. It's also part of the female manipulation to control men.

and therefore should break up?

Notice how I separate the second sentence away from the first sentence?

It looks linear but it is not.

Me noting that you should breakup with her is more to the fact that most of the high level guys most initial responses to your post, is universally shared a vibe that something feels off.

At least that is how i see it.

z@c+
 

TomInHo

Modern Human
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Messages
539
Hmm, so last night we were talking and the root of the issue is uncovering. She's not pestering for the sake of pestering. She is not being whiny and argumentative - when she brings up these conversations she genuinely seems sad and fearful. The root issue is that she doesn't feel I am creating enough space for her, she isn't able to fully relax around me because of my at times hot and cold behavior (I forgot to text her back recently and then two days passed - this caused her to think that I didn't care about her). She told me that she doesn't feel emotionally safe, that she has baggage from what happened (her partner broke up with her suddenly after 11 years) but that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with me because she doesn't feel I have the capacity to deal with it, and also she doesn't want to open up if "you're going to run away in 1-2 weeks". She fears my involvement in the pickup community precisely for this reason, because it doesn't make her feel safe and secure in the relationship...

She wants to know I care about her, but demonstrating that I can replace her rather seems to, rather than making her work harder or do things for me, makes her upset and fearful. As an example, she hates when I talk about past experiences with other women or any reminders that I have been with other women.

Okay, That makes sense why she's acting like that, but still sounds like her problem and not really yours.

I've dealt with women like this in the past that were low self esteem and let met tell you a secret. it's never good enough. You could try to do everything to make her feel more reassured but it's like a black hole that can never be filled.

Plus I don't see how you're not creating enough space for her. Because....
- You stopped actively pursuing new girls for her
- You see her multiple times a week
- You're willing to drill down on problems like this with her without giving up
- You're emotionally invested enough to start threads about her

IMO you seem to have created more than enough space and if she does not feel emotionally safe then why did she get in a relationship with you? From my observations it seems like she's more concerned with controlling you more than anything, and I've been following your relationship from the very beginning

It takes 2 to tango and in relationships you can only control 50% of the equation, which is your end. And yes you can influence your partner a little but they also have to pick up some slack

And it seems like her slack right now is punishing you for the wrongs of her previous lover, which is BS that you don't need to put up with
 
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topcat

Modern Human
Modern Human
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Dec 20, 2012
Messages
699
What @TomInHo said, this girl is manipulating you by playing the victim. She’s dominating from the bottom.

It was okay for her to do all these good things for her last guy.. why not you?
You’re not here to fix her or change yourself so she can feel comfortable. She’s a big woman.

The more you give, the more you will have to give..

This isn’t leading anywhere good my friend.
 

Will_V

Chieftan
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tribal-elder
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Personally, I don't talk about pickup, at all, with women. I don't like talking about it, I don't like 'excusing' it, I don't want her to 'accept' it, it is just part of my path as a man that she'll never really understand and I'm 100% fine with keeping it that way.

If ever I end up veering toward talking about pickup or men's struggles with dating, I simply load the conversation with some dismissive 10-ton frame like 'all you have to do is go and talk to girls, men don't have enough balls these days' that she can't really argue with, and that frames me as having 'won' the dating game through some personal strength.

The reason why I so much dislike enunciating the struggles of men and why we do what we do is because otherwise how can I enjoy my conquests? It's so sweet because of how hard it was and all the work I had to do, and that is already a perfect balance without needing her to sympathize.

And besides, she'll never really understand. She's not ready to understand the mechanisms of nature, nor does she want to. If I as a man already struggled so much psychologically to reach my level of understanding, it's already way outside of her capability to navigate. So be it.

...

It seems pretty clear by this stage the problem is her feeling of insecurity. In my opinion, this is brought about by your lack of leadership.

A relationship is like building a boat. When you start off, you have to decide what you want to do with it, what it has to provide, and that determines the structure, the shape, size, and weight and the materials you need to build it. And from the very beginning, from the first piece of metal you bend into shape, everything has to conform to the plan of the boat that you determined. Every time you just add something random or stop paying attention, you risk putting a weakness into your boat that could ultimately destroy it, or at least cause you a lot of grief down the road.

With a relationship, you have to determine what you want to ultimately have with her every day. What kind of context do you want the relationship to have, what shared story is being written? Do you want a 'this' relationship or a 'that' relationship? Do you want to be a 'this' couple or a 'that' couple? Do you want her to worship your masculinity or do you want her to just see you both as 'equal partners'? Do you want her to see the relationship as a mission or simply as a personal support? What type of mission, and for what?

From this you determine the context of how you communicate, the ways you frame things, the things you talk about openly or brush aside, the things you reward or punish her for, etc, so that the relationship is shaped toward the way you want it to be. In doing so, you create a place within which she can develop as a woman to fulfill every need that the relationship has.

Determining this is the lonely seat of command, which somebody has to ultimately occupy (and if not you then who?)

Think about this forum. This forum has a purpose, a type of community that is desired to be built. There are notions that are strongly discouraged because they have been determined to be unproductive. Certain threads are closed or others left open. When people don't conform to the structure that has been determined for this community, first an attempt is made to set the right frame, but if people fight against it too much, they are punished, and if they persist, banned. Few people are banned, but many come, sniff around, and leave, because they and the ambience do not fit together.

This is what you have to do in your relationship. What kinds of topics are on the table, and what ones are not? How will you set the boundaries and reward her for staying in them and punish her for crossing them? What roles have you given her, how is she performing in them, and how well are they satisfying her?

...

I'm aware that she's had a rough time and needs plenty of empathy and a certain level of understanding. But do be aware that it's not necessarily that she wants an explanation, but instead she wants a way to simply feel safe. This can be done simply by dominance and leadership (because these are themselves equatable with investment and commitment, which is part and parcel with security) but will usually be done with a combination of mutual understanding and simply planting strong frames, hard, and expecting her to follow them.

The way you do this is up to you, every man has his own nature and desires for how a relationship should be. But understand that she is opening herself to you because she wants you to wipe away her anxieties and write a story inside, of how you and her will win and succeed and be happy. When you start writing that story, she will watch the pen move with rapt attention, and move to help you write it.

And if you don't have a clear idea of what that story will be, it's probably the best place to start.
 

Skills

Tribal Elder
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Yeah, it took me a long time for her to be comfortable sleeping with me. She was pretty upfront early on about this though - she told me it happened matter of factly on the first or second date.
The point is her ex trauma of her leaving her out of the blue is being projected on to you by her insecurities and trying to control you as a means of preventing what happened with ex happening again, get it...
 

Bismarck

Chieftan
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No point crying over spilled milk but I wanted to chime in here too that I never talk about men's struggles or pick-up with anyone (except wings or guys from the local community). I especially don't talk about game, my involvement in the community, or the number of girls I have slept with, etc. with a girl I am sleeping with.

As Will_V was saying further up, girls will never understand what it is like to be a man and to have to create value as opposed to simply be value on account of reproductive utility. Transplanting this to an average or below-average man's struggles to improve his lot on the dating market - again, girls want to enjoy the sausage, not know how the sausage was made, the same way you don't want to see what she does to doll herself up, just enjoy her all dolled up.

A final and not dissimilar example is you "getting" it or not. You're not supposed to ask her if she likes you, or for permission to touch her, or for permission to escalate on her, or for permission to fuck her. She will never tell you if you missed an escalation window or not, if you could have fucked her or not. This is an unwritten and largely instinct-based art, that comes from years of dedicated dojo-like practice.

You don't learn to be a man from the common school curricula, church doctrine, mainstream media, or television shows and moving pictures. You learn from trying, failing, and getting back up.
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Messages
773
Okay, That makes sense why she's acting like that, but still sounds like her problem and not really yours.

I've dealt with women like this in the past that were low self esteem and let met tell you a secret. it's never good enough. You could try to do everything to make her feel more reassured but it's like a black hole that can never be filled.

Plus I don't see how you're not creating enough space for her. Because....
- You stopped actively pursuing new girls for her
- You see her multiple times a week
- You're willing to drill down on problems like this with her without giving up
- You're emotionally invested enough to start threads about her

IMO you seem to have created more than enough space and if she does not feel emotionally safe then why did she get in a relationship with you? From my observations it seems like she's more concerned with controlling you more than anything, and I've been following your relationship from the very beginning

It takes 2 to tango and in relationships you can only control 50% of the equation, which is your end. And yes you can influence your partner a little but they also have to pick up some slack

And it seems like her slack right now is punishing you for the wrongs of her previous lover, which is BS that you don't need to put up with

This is a good point - I have given her a lot of space. The thing is, this only seems to happen when the emotions are running high - for instance I forgot to text her soon after we had amazing sex, some of the best sex we've had to date. So her emotions were running sky high, her mind was on me and my absence was felt even greater.

Looking back now the drama has always come after extreme highs where she realises she really likes me, that's when she is most afraid to lose me.

We've been seeing each other almost six months now and honestly, most of the time it's been smooth sailing - I guess I only come here to post when things aren't going so well which could skew perceptions.

She may have controlling aspects but honestly, for the most part she is hands off. Contrary to my earlier concerns, she is supportive of my goals. She doesn't mind if I go out, to bars, festivals etc and has never tried to stop me doing any of that (though I suspect deep down it makes her a bit insecure). She laughs about and accepts my sometimes poor memory, and accepts other things about myself that I would get insecure about. She is concerned about impressing me, always making sure she looks her best when I'm around and has started hitting the gym, finetuning her skincare routine since she has started seeing me. We do enjoy our time together 90% of the time. She does things for me sexually which she didn't do with her previous partner. She thought she didn't like doing these things but she has discovered that she enjoys them with me (still tame mind you, but still she is trying to push her comfort zone. So am I).

Contrary to what it may seem, to date she has been fairly low maintenance. See each twice a week, three times absolute max. She just wants some texting in between seeing each other which is honestly not a big ask. It's when I don't do even this that she gets annoyed.

That being said, I know that she would like to see me more and text me more but my frame on this is stronger than hers. This could come up as an issue in the future, where what I'm doing now may not be enough a couple of months from now.

I'll have to cross that bridge when it comes.
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
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Messages
773
What @TomInHo said, this girl is manipulating you by playing the victim. She’s dominating from the bottom.

It was okay for her to do all these good things for her last guy.. why not you?
You’re not here to fix her or change yourself so she can feel comfortable. She’s a big woman.

The more you give, the more you will have to give..

This isn’t leading anywhere good my friend.

Thing is I don't know what she did for her last guy, we haven't really talked about it. I'm not sure what their relationship was actually like, what the dynamic was like. I can make guesses based on her relationship expectations. Like I said in my reply to TominHo, I know that she does things for me sexually that she hated doing for her previous partner.

Honestly, she has not been asking for too much, just responding to texts/check in texts occasionally in between seeing each other - not that big of an ask and not much effort on my part.

She hasn't given me any signs that she expects me to fix her, she has been upfront that her life has been flipped upside down, and now she is trying to navigate her way through a new world. She is actually in the process of starting her own company, working on mindfulness, trying to instill good habits. She has taken this initiative herself for the most part without my involvement. All she has asked from me so far is my time a few times a week, and showing her that I care about her in between.

But don't think this is me dismissing what you both have said. I will definitely be watching for signs going forward. Will keep posting if more drama arises.
 

Beam

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 17, 2019
Messages
773
@Will_V, thanks for the in depth, thought provoking response as always.
Personally, I don't talk about pickup, at all, with women. I don't like talking about it, I don't like 'excusing' it, I don't want her to 'accept' it, it is just part of my path as a man that she'll never really understand and I'm 100% fine with keeping it that way.

If ever I end up veering toward talking about pickup or men's struggles with dating, I simply load the conversation with some dismissive 10-ton frame like 'all you have to do is go and talk to girls, men don't have enough balls these days' that she can't really argue with, and that frames me as having 'won' the dating game through some personal strength.
This is the approach I like to take. I don't want to excuse anything or have to beg for to accept it. It got me where I am and I stand by it.

The reason why I so much dislike enunciating the struggles of men and why we do what we do is because otherwise how can I enjoy my conquests? It's so sweet because of how hard it was and all the work I had to do, and that is already a perfect balance without needing her to sympathize.

And besides, she'll never really understand. She's not ready to understand the mechanisms of nature, nor does she want to. If I as a man already struggled so much psychologically to reach my level of understanding, it's already way outside of her capability to navigate. So be it.

Great points. Actually brought this up last time to her - "I have lived this for many years, it's very hard for you to understand what I am saying without going through it yourself"

...

It seems pretty clear by this stage the problem is her feeling of insecurity. In my opinion, this is brought about by your lack of leadership.

A relationship is like building a boat. When you start off, you have to decide what you want to do with it, what it has to provide, and that determines the structure, the shape, size, and weight and the materials you need to build it. And from the very beginning, from the first piece of metal you bend into shape, everything has to conform to the plan of the boat that you determined. Every time you just add something random or stop paying attention, you risk putting a weakness into your boat that could ultimately destroy it, or at least cause you a lot of grief down the road.

With a relationship, you have to determine what you want to ultimately have with her every day. What kind of context do you want the relationship to have, what shared story is being written? Do you want a 'this' relationship or a 'that' relationship? Do you want to be a 'this' couple or a 'that' couple? Do you want her to worship your masculinity or do you want her to just see you both as 'equal partners'? Do you want her to see the relationship as a mission or simply as a personal support? What type of mission, and for what?

From this you determine the context of how you communicate, the ways you frame things, the things you talk about openly or brush aside, the things you reward or punish her for, etc, so that the relationship is shaped toward the way you want it to be. In doing so, you create a place within which she can develop as a woman to fulfill every need that the relationship has.

Determining this is the lonely seat of command, which somebody has to ultimately occupy (and if not you then who?)

Think about this forum. This forum has a purpose, a type of community that is desired to be built. There are notions that are strongly discouraged because they have been determined to be unproductive. Certain threads are closed or others left open. When people don't conform to the structure that has been determined for this community, first an attempt is made to set the right frame, but if people fight against it too much, they are punished, and if they persist, banned. Few people are banned, but many come, sniff around, and leave, because they and the ambience do not fit together.

This is what you have to do in your relationship. What kinds of topics are on the table, and what ones are not? How will you set the boundaries and reward her for staying in them and punish her for crossing them? What roles have you given her, how is she performing in them, and how well are they satisfying her?

Very interesting. I got into this relationship because I liked this girl and wanted to get more "relationship experience", but I didn't (and still don't) have much of an idea about what I could get out of it, how I could make it work for me. We are doing the same things we did before we were in a relationship for the most part - the only difference now is I am not going out to pickup anymore and am spending that time on other interests. In a way the development of the relationship has taken a backseat already.. I haven't given much thought to it.

Obviously I will have to sit down and think on this in Far greater detail, but one common denominator seems to be I am drawn to ambitious girls. Girls who have plans and goals in life, who a strong minded but also feminine. Right now, it seems I am drawn to an "equal" partnership in that we both have our own goals and ambitions, and work together to achieve these goals. For instance, me and my girlfriend don't have too much in common however we both have a common goal right now - which is becoming better at managing our time, instilling good habits, things that can carry over into the rest of our lives. So right now, we are working with each other, keeping each other accountable on the strategies we are implementing to become more productive. For instance, she reminds me and keep me accountable to my timeblocking schedule. She has read atomic habits and I am going to as well.

That being said, I also have a weakness for girly girls with bubbly personalities, which may be at odds with this. My first FWB was like this and even though she was chubby, I found her irresistibly attractive because of this quality.

A former coworker of mine seemed to strike an ideal, years ago. His partner, now wife always had a smile on her face, with bubbly, friendly, infectious energy. It was so attractive. She also had a passion for nutrition and started her own nutrition company which from what I have heard is doing quite well. That being said, he (my coworker) has been the one supporting her with this goal by doing a lot of the grunt work. Not sure that is something I would like.

...

I'm aware that she's had a rough time and needs plenty of empathy and a certain level of understanding. But do be aware that it's not necessarily that she wants an explanation, but instead she wants a way to simply feel safe. This can be done simply by dominance and leadership (because these are themselves equatable with investment and commitment, which is part and parcel with security) but will usually be done with a combination of mutual understanding and simply planting strong frames, hard, and expecting her to follow them.

The way you do this is up to you, every man has his own nature and desires for how a relationship should be. But understand that she is opening herself to you because she wants you to wipe away her anxieties and write a story inside, of how you and her will win and succeed and be happy. When you start writing that story, she will watch the pen move with rapt attention, and move to help you write it.

And if you don't have a clear idea of what that story will be, it's probably the best place to start.

I definitely don't have a clear idea about what my story is. I've been quite confused and directionless over this last couple of months, honestly.

Given me a lot to think about.

Will be updating my journal when I have had some more time to think on this.
 
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