Girls/Women with Boyfriends

[Finalstep]

Go for them, avoid them? Why? How?

In here we say: "Girl is either taken, after breakup or nobody wants her."

Going for a women in one of the mentioned "states" means:

Ad taken girls) potentially difficult, problematic and moraly dubious
Ad after breakup) emotionally unstable, risky, potential problems, might be just seeking rebound so it's a waste of time
Ad nobody wants her) usually for a reason or two

What I've seen around is that from a certain age (let's say about 20 latest), women
fall into one of those categories. Singles seem much rare. Have you observed the same?

The way how women change their partner seems rather:
Boyfriend>better boyfriend>better boyfriend rather then
Boyfriend>single>(better) boyfriend>single>(better)boyfriend

A relationship psychologist would advise not to go from relationship to relationship
(and I tend to think that healthy, confident, self-dependant and mature people prefer not to do this)
however the reality around seems to be different (don't know whether there are so few
mature people in our society or what the reason is; I might be wrong here. /any idea?/).

Now, I'm 32 and the town I've been living in for the past 3 years has 60k inhabitants. It has happened way too often that I've met
very few singles but a lot of women with (real) boyfriends (not the "boyfriend as a rejection" or to
"counterbalance a value because of an attainability issue").
I guess it has to do with the demographics and with my target age. At around 25+ most of women here seem to be taken.

I for sure prefer singles but I cannot ingore and change the reality around me. So is there any
better, non-radical solution than to compete for those taken?

The truth is that many relationships are not of a high quality and their existence oftentimes more the result of "inertia force", kind of stereotype where the original attraction has been fading away more and more.

What I do not completely understand is why women stay with their partners even if the relationship
does not suit them anymore. This seems to me rather weak and undeserving to their partners.

If you met a women that is clearly attracted to you, shows interest, tries to move things forward but has a boyfriend (she may or may not be living with) how would you proceed?

I have this situation currently happening.

We met about 4 months ago. She gave me strong approach invitation on the bus so who would not have approached her then? I asked her number, she gave it to me. Mentioned however her boyfriend. When I tried to text her, the message was undelivered. I assumed she gave me the wrong number. I googled her to check her status on FCB and she was really taken. So I dismissed it. But as we both live in the same town and work in a bigger town nearby (for different companies but
in the same building) it's no surprise that after time we met again on the transit. We just smiled at each other and I ignored her then. After 3 months from our first encounter we met again on a bus stop. Approach invitation again. We talked... I told her then she gave me an incorrect number before and she denied that (it might have been my typo). So she gave me her number again. We started texting. She started chasing me.

We are to meet tomorrow. I'm not very comfortable with that situation because I am not completely sure how to go about it.

I do not want to hurt people but do not want to waste my time either, so I would ask her what she wants from me, why she is with me and not with her boyfriend and pull her home if possible - latest on the second date. But because we met a few times on the bus, it's already time for action now not just another talk.

I'd like to frame it as her decison, her risk and her responsibility. She's an adult and that's what it really is.
It's her relationship with him not mine. The risky thing is that I could not promise her anything (relationship)
from the start. It takes time for people to get to know each other.

It's seems that her relationship with that guy already is not in a very good condition. Don't want to generalize
but at least me being in a great relationship I would flirt with others but would not meet other women romantically.

The ideal situation is that if mutually desired, she breaks up with her BF and only THEN we start dating.
But how reallistic is this scenario? (Your experience is welcome)
As they live together that just theoreticaly - for practical reasons - I guess could not happen that quickly anyway.
However knowing the dynamics of seduction, not acting and waiting means losing her.

Is there a safe way how to proceed? If so, how?


Thanks

 

[andersen09]

Where do you live? That's a really small town.

 

[Finalstep]

Europe. We are a small country. The capital has 1,2 million.
2nd largest has 400k, 3rd largest 300 (my home town),
my current place ranks 15th in the country.

I wonder what does that mean to game in general as well.

 

[andersen09]

Europe. We are a small country. The capital has 1,2 million.
2nd largest has 400k, 3rd largest 300 (my home town),
my current place ranks 15th in the country.

I wonder what does that mean to game in general as well.

The best advice I can give you is to move out of there.
Because you need the freedom to be able to make social mistakes without the social consequences involved in a social circle setting or small towns.

Find a way to move to the capital.
When I lived in a small ass town myself, it had such a huge consequence on my social abilities when I was in high school.
My high school had like 103 kids in my class and everyone knew each other from other high schools as well.
If I made one mistake with one girl, it spread faster than a wild fire in California.

 

[Finalstep]

Thanks but that's not that easy and not necessary.
My hometown (300k) is just 30 minutes from here.
I think 300k is enough. No consequences for mistakes there.
It only takes time to travel.

Here you have to be more careful but it is possible to experiment.
How about my original question? Any suggestions?

 

[andersen09]

Let em know you got the bigger dick than her boyfriend.

 

[Finalstep]

Well,thanks... but seriously. Is there a way how to avoid a situation where she does things behind her BF's back? (I don't mean a conversation of course)
E.g. to talk about that situation first.

Our conversation a few texts back was like this:
She: I like cafe X too. But I should tell you something
Maybe you won't like to go out with me then - so not
to waste your time: I have a BF
Me: silence as I was busy
She next day: Hi, no reaction..?
Me: Hm, and what would you like to hear? We don't
even know each other and you are already talking about
a BF.
She: So you'd prefer if I kept it from you and act as if he
did not exist? I found it fair towards you to let you know that.
Do you prefer people deceiving you?
Me: met her on a bus stop on the way from office before I managed to reply.
She: You are angry at me.
Me: No, I am not angry - with a surprised voice. .... So you are going to marry?
She: No. I don't think marriage and children are the meaning of life.
Conversation on the bus

She later that day: I am glad you are not angry at me. So get well
and have a nice WE.


.....

 

[kiddpitt]

My experience is, she wants a fuck buddy. Accept the moral consequences and do it, or decide not to get involved and accept the attraction expiration.

I just went through something very similar.

Youre frame could be something as simple as "I met an attached woman before, told her how much better things would be with me, and it was a huge mistake that I regret and will never make again".

 

[Finalstep]

Thanks for your view.

Well, so the date took place today.
She repeatedly evaded the question: "What do you want/expect from me?"
And she did not resisted my touches and stroking but she resisted my attempt to pull her home.
(a.o. also saying: "Will you be interested in seeing me in future if I do not go with you?")

After the date I received a text message:
"I did not even say thank you for the beer, so thanks.
Next time it's on me. Well ,if you are interested
in a "next time". I seriously don't know what I want or
don't want from you, but I know that I want to spend
more time with you."

Interpretations?

Given not only the fact the she offered me already before the
date she would take me on a hike with her brother and
his new GF, my overall impression is that she "wants it to happen"
but without thinking about the consequences first.
What t position would it take me to if I went for it?

I think in a rather weak position with potentially being blamed
for the situation that she cheated. And for a potential
following break-up with her BF. Do you agree?

I think I have two options:
1. just going for sex with explicitly stating that (in a mild way) with the risk that she refuses.
That would zero in her potential as a GF.
2. if I am interested in her as a potential GF then texting her to
take time to think it over and to let me know once she decided what she wants.

I lean towards nr.2.

Thanks for your comments

 

[kiddpitt]

She told you what she wants...she wants to spend time with you. I think youre 2 options are: spend time with her and escalate appropriately, or decline to spend time with her.

Youre right too, she wants to be able to say it wasnt her fault, it just happened...YOU made it happen and she is off the hook.