Giving tips to clueless friend with big ego - how to help and keep relationship

[lux7]

This is about women and seduction, but the same topic could apply to anything really.

I've got a great friend and he sometimes come to me for suggestions.

Though, here's the catch, I know in this oneitis of him he's not really looking for suggestions: he's looking for someone to prop up his idea that something might eventually happen and they have a great connection so his fantasy is kept alive.
The couple times I put on the "kind gloves" (I know it's kid gloves but don't wanna use that expression) and somehow told him it was time to go for broke, ie. either get something or lose her, he said it was amazing idea and how glad he was he had me as a friend and then... Didn't do it.

Sad thing is this girl really spills her heart and tells him how amazing he is. But nothing ever happened after years.

I care for this friend, and he's extraordinary in many ways.
And I care about our friendship as well.

I fear the "real talk" could break our relationship.
I know it happened before in some other smaller areas and/or with other people: he's stubborn and won't listen and it's at high danger of taking offense.


Ideas... ?

 

[JimmyB]

Re: Giving tips to clueless friend with big ego - how to help and keep relations

Tell him straight up how it is."You're the guy, you have to make a move and make something happen. The worst is you get rejected". He's clearly inexperienced and needs to build experience. There's nothing else you can do and it's his own issue. But if he brings it up just keep reiterating the idea that he has to make a move. it's good he's at least asking for advice even if he's not implementing it.

 

[Chase]

Re: Giving tips to clueless friend with big ego - how to help and keep relations

Lux-

I've dealt with this in the past by telling friends, "Hey look, you've been hung up on this girl forever and you're obviously never going to do anything about her so I just don't want to hear about it because it's depressing. Come back and tell me once you've had sex with her, otherwise do NOT mention her to me again. Listening to you talk about her is too frustrating and it's a waste of my time and emotions."

Typically after this you'll get bargaining / pleading, where the guy tells you no, really, he wants to take your advice, just tell him what to do. When that happens, you tell him, "Okay, go do X and report back to me when you've done it. If you don't do it, do not mention this girl to me again. I don't care what your excuse is for not doing it, just don't even consider bringing her up to me."

If they keep bringing her up without completing whatever tasks you give them at that point, you just cut the chord. Maybe have a drink with them once a year. But otherwise, it's some guy who's trapped in this endless loop and he just wants to dump the frustration he causes himself onto you without ever trying to get better. Unless you have a strong masochistic bent, that's not a friendship worth maintaining, even if the guy's otherwise awesome (assuming him loading you up with these annoying stories/emotions is something he does a lot and it's having a big negative effect on you... if it's just a minor thing, then just keep telling him to knock it off and eventually he'll quit bringing it up. If it's all he talks about, and he won't fix it, he just wants to vent, cut him loose).

Chase

 

[ray_zorse]

Re: Giving tips to clueless friend with big ego - how to help and keep relations

Do you think this would work with my buddy (former neighbour) who is stuck in a dead-end "separated under one roof" relationship with his wife/the mother of his prep-age child? I and another friend have listened to his whining for years about how she's a terrible this/that/the other, contributes nothing to the household or the parenting, is occasionally violent... not to mention his stepdaughter who is a complete fuckup... and we've told him a million times he needs to move out of this poisonous household and begin dating again... I make a point of approaching hot women whenever we go out and introducing them to him... and I have taken him through all the steps needed to get at least partial custody of his son and offered my help and support through the legal process... result = no action, more whining. I don't want to cut him out of my life though because I believe he is a really good guy, very uncompromising in his principles, passionate about his skills and ideas etc, quite high value traits. Chase based on your post it seems I should say "well I've listened to this shit a million times, been through it, given you a complete roadmap to solving the problems, happy to help you provided you take some action, but otherwise please never mention it to me again because it's a waste of my time".
Ray

 

[lux7]

Re: Giving tips to clueless friend with big ego - how to help and keep relations

Yeah, I like the advice on tough love, agree it's unhealthy with the fake support.

However it's also important to note than in cases like the one I'm describing you don't really get complaints and bad emotions. It's not negative.
It's more "fake positive", as in the sense of "look, she likes me". The messages he shows are all positive, and it's not approaching with a crying or angry face, it's more of a hopeful stance.
You know it's not the "like" he's dreaming about, and you might find it sad, but you can choose to fight that feeling and it's not as polluting as constant complaining.

A bit different in Ray's case.

There a stronger hand might be called for indeed, with the last step of cutting the friendship.

I think cutting the friendship would be called for if the complaining takes a big part of the conversation and in case you don't "recover" that value in other areas.