got myself in a really sticky social situation, what the fuck to do

[letsdoit]

This is a real fuck upped story. I feel physically sick while I type this.
Ok, so this is probably a big warning not to try to hook up with social circle girl unless your game is super tight. My game is almost non-existent, I'm socially anxious and sometimes awkward. I sometimes get away with it with by hiding it or by getting drunk or simply by my rather good looks or because I'm funny (or so they say). Or sometimes rarely I can also pull myself together and feel more confident when some things go in my way a little bit. I used to not be so bad but then I got dumped two years ago and I did some really poor choices in the process and that really fucked me up. Got me in this caring friend mode, waiting for approval from girls.

Ok, so I got myself in a fucking horrible situation. Really screwed up a good thing and even more, fucked up my reputation in my close circle probably as well. Any supporting words would be highly appreciated. I'm in near panic attack here, so please try to be a bit gentle this time. Pretty please ) Not just to suck it up and man up.
I feel different but as worse as my bad breakup two years ago. I've been trying to learn how to be confident and better with girls etc but instead things seem to get worse. I feel I might go insane by accusing myself. And I now I feel I should leave to another country or something. But I don't want to.

I've hooked up with girls since the breakup. Not any relationships. Girls I'm not super into want me and I'm having good sex with them. But girls I like, I overthink things and fuck everything up. Usually mentally but this time also physically. And this is a big one.

There is this one girl in my extended social circle who seemed to really liked me. When I got the chance to hang out with her some time later I realised I liked her too. But I didn't really isolate her and we didn't have dates although we texted about meeting up. But she still seemed into me. Time passed and now we went to a festival together. Not exclusively as two persons, there were friends along but we ended up sleeping in the same tent as just the two of us for three nights. We ended up kissing, making out and cuddling each night. But we did drugs (I know I know, another big no no there. So we didn't have sex as I was too wasted. And mentally overthought this, that I cannot get it up maybe or that she maybe don't want sex yet. Or if my dick is too small or what the fuck. It's not the biggest, maybe even smaller than average as not erected but definitely decent size in erected position. And I've had great and great sex with my previous girlfriends and hook-ups. I don't know what the fuck was I thinking.

On second night I tried to and I was hard, but then she didn't let it to real sex. And in the morning of third night we even went to the sauna together naked but I was so hangover that I also didn't have sex, just some massage and kissing. I think she must think I'm a fucking pussy. And she must have felt rejected too. But she was so nice to me all the time still and wanted to hang out. Flirted and smiled the whole way.

I'm perfectly healthy and can get it up with no problem and more. I just totally overthought this. I got so nervous as I mentally realised I really really like this girl.
We were supposed to meet up later this beginning week as 1-1 movie night but for now after this festival and todays fiasco, I'm sure this is not happening. At least for now.

Today after the festival, we met up at friends place and she was suddenly (or "suddenly" I don't know) in total auto rejection mode. She was pretty much avoiding to talk to me too much. Not so much at first but in the end more and more. She must have felt I'm there because of her and turned her off somehow as well. Besides everything else.

I went home and had a fuckin panic attack. Having it right now. it's the combination of shame, regret and aftermatch of psychedelic drugs. Realising I fucked this up with by far the greatest girl (for me) I've met since my breakup 2 years ago. And realising I seriously sabotaged myself in my social circle. When the girl started to sort of avoid me, but still talked to me, the vibe got so weird, that everyone seem to be aware that something is up and everyone seem to avoid talking to me too much. And this is my best social circle.

So, I came home and had a fuckin panic attack. I felt so connected with this girl at the festival (at some point, as we were also on drugs together at some point) and now in my probably even more stupidity I texted this girl whether we could talk tomorrow. that I had a bad combination of bad hangover and whether we could meet and talk tomorrow to sort things up as the air was obviously weird between us today at the small flat hang-out. And she is a great girl and we somehow ended up with a wrong foot. and anyway, good night She texted me back, that yeah, haha, I felt the same. Let's talk tomorrow, I was also really tired and pretty wasted today for the whole weekend.

I've no idea what I should tell her to turn this around. Not sure even whether she meant to call or meet up as I suggested. And I'm now even more anxious about my performance. But I could handle it. I just have the feeling I need to be able to have sex with this girl once somehow to fix this or this would really hurt me.

This is going against everything, but right now I feel I should somehow convince to get together as we initially planned this week, so I could seduce her, fuck her once and that's it. We can even remain friends or acquaintances later. But I need to make to happen somehow, so this would be settled.

Of course I would rather pursue us longer if there would be some game available to turn this mess around.

I've even had several girls coming back to me and having sex and wanting more when I didn't get it up on two occasions (also for performance anxiety). Those have been the only two occasions in my life and both girls came back to me. But I wasn't so into them.

Is there some advance game that I could use turn this around? I know this is a real screw up, I just need somehow to get this going.
Handle other girls smoothy while her presence?
Try to be a bit honest, that I wasn't sure about her, at first but then started to dig her but had some issued about having sex at the time. (The first night I was actually on the regime to avoid sexual encounter because of an ayahuasca exerience).

Maybe it's a big no-no but I even feel I should maybe tell her that I has some medical thing going on that prevented my for having sex during these days but I'm perfectly healthy and I know you liked me and that we should be intimate once to clear the air.

On top of that, I'm an older dude. I'm 33. She is 27. I'm good looking and fit and people tell me I look younger though. But this is nothing to do with this even. I's my mindset that really is screwing me.

Please tell me there is some advance tactics to turn this around.

 

[JayP]

Dude, you're putting this girl on a pedestal. I know you feel embarrassed about the situation, but just because it affected your social circle, isn't the end of the world. This is coming from someone with social anxiety; I know how annoying it can be.

I've even had several girls coming back to me and having sex and wanting more when I didn't get it up on two occasions (also for performance anxiety). Those have been the only two occasions in my life and both girls came back to me. But I wasn't so into them.

You clearly can get girls, if you're saying that girls have chased you before: I wouldn't sweat this girl, nor would I give her this kind of control over my life. Plenty of other girls to help you forget about her.

So we didn't have sex as I was too wasted. And mentally overthought this, that I cannot get it up maybe or that she maybe don't want sex yet. Or if my dick is too small or what the fuck. It's not the biggest, maybe even smaller than average as not erected but definitely decent size in erected position. And I've had great and great sex with my previous girlfriends and hook-ups. I don't know what the fuck was I thinking.

I'm sure she was waiting for you to escalate, but again, it's not the end of the world. It's a learning experience. I remember one girl I used to work with. Amazing body and cute face, and one night after work, it was just us two talking, and she was giving strong hints that she wanted to fuck in her car, but I bitched out cause I was too worried about the consequences. I learned after that night, because I wasn't so caught up in my worries after that, I could see clearly that the world wouldn't have ended if I tried to escalate with her and I read her wrong.

Based on the worries you've mentioned, I recommend not proactively hanging out with her ( I know it's hard to avoid seeing her with the social circle, but avoid it socially gracefully if possible.) If you really must get it out of your system, then invite her on a simple date, just you two and be dominant and take charge and lead. If she doesn't comply, or doesn't help escalate you two hooking up, you've got your answer. Move on. Talking to other girls out of your social circle will remind you that one girl shouldn't stress you like this. There are literally millions more out there. I'd recommend reading Chase's article below. It really gives a good perspective on this:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/cant-stop-thinking-about-her-heres-why-you-need-meet-more-girls

 

[letsdoit]

she gave me a "maybe" date for tonight. movies my place that we planned a while ago already. when she gets her shit done before. and is aiming towards it. The message wasn't very warm, kind of neutral.
I know this is probably bullshit. Still, cannot understand why she didn't say no, that she cannot after all today. But gave this "still not sure if I make it tonight but trying to".
I know girls do this sometimes. To not hurt your feelings but rather they actually fuss around and you should get the hint. I haven't replied yet. I'm thinking not to reply and see if she messages in the evening or not. Probably, it's gonna be, "cannot make it after all today".

Then again, stars might align for me just maybe once more. As I know she feels weird too and she knows we'll be seeing each other around a lot.
So, it might, just might, she gives me a chance to step it up.

I know this is utterly bullshit, and even if I get to bang her, I fucked it up already.
I just really feel I need to have sex with her and then leave it alone.
In some ways the pressure is off then. I know it's up to her then and I also know, it's probably toast.

Maybe I should tell her after we had sex (in the rare case we will have it, that I had a sort of girlfriend situation that we just broke up now yesterday and I didn't want to do it before, although really wanted to).

 

[letsdoit]

What should I even reply to that text?

She replied me after I accidentally sent her another text not meant for her. That really happened. I didn't bullshit there.
But she was asleep, I know that. We didn't really sleep for two nights almost, or very little.

" hehe" (to that thing that I sent her another mistake text)
"Still recovering from sleep as well. Still not sure if I make it tonight but trying to and aiming towards it."

Now, this is might be and soft turn-down. And it probably is. Then again, she could have already said that now, she cannot after all. Too much work or bla bla. Not to let me fry until evening
Fuck, I hope she will come out. As she knows she will see me around and she might want to settle this somehow as well.

Help me out here please

I will let her go, just I need to somehow make this happen.

 

[Drck]

Here is a GOLDEN Rule: If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Let go. You will get much further this way vs if you try to "fix" things...

Chill out, let the dust settle. Don't try to Fix anything, things happened and there is nothing to "fix", it is done.

Anoter thing, keep your frame, don't try to change in the mids of storm because the only thing that will happen is that you will screw up...

So chill out, let things go for a while, at least couple of days. Then contact her again, this time sober, and tell her that you want to meet her. If she meets you again, don't talk about the experience in a negative way. Turn it around, say you had a good time even though you were wasted... Maybe that you want to stop using drugs (if that's what you want) as they messed you up. If you will feel bad about it, she will feel bad about it too - and then she will dump you as she will have regrets about having "bad" time with this guy. On the other hand, if you show her that it wasn't that bad, if you amplify the GOOD things that happen at that time - she will be thinking and feeling the same...

Remember, if she likes you, you are always a leader. If you show her negative emotions, she will follow with negative emotions. If you turn it around and show positive emotions, she will follow with positive emotions...

 

[letsdoit]

I hear you.

But I already sent the text about meeting up today and she replied about "not sure if she can make it but tries to"

And I already sent the "that I felt bad about something" text yesterday, that we should meet up.

What to do now.

 

[Orelfius]

I see a couple of thing here from your self-described behaviour:

1) "What happen in Vegas stay in Vegas"
That pretty much sum up how she saw your relationship. It's obvious that her behaviour SCREAM for discretion. For her, it's was just a little fling and now she's stuck with you and your neediness.

2) You are in the middle of an extreme neediness crisis.
STOP! Just stop! If you can't stop thinking about her, then just cut all contact with her. Period.

3) You ARE NOT outcome independent.
No one can seduce a woman when he's outcome dependant. You won't be the first. You just want to have sex once with her so it's finished? Seriously? You are looking for sex the way the guys who are dumped "look for closure". Relax, you are barely acquaintance, she was not your girlfriend for the last 8 years or something.

4) It has nothing to do with your sexual performance.
It's all about your behaviour. Like you said: you run into a scarcity panic (OMG what an awesome girl I will never find a girl so amazing-fricking-awesome ever again).

5) Most of the girl behaviour is damage control to protect herself, her reputation and her social circle from you. (your behaviour could cause many problems to her)

Ok, now, piece of advices:
A) Abundance mentality:
There's plenty fish in the sea, no women is so special, "after a while, it feels like fucking the coach", "une de perdue, 10 de retrouvee (it's french expression meaning: one lost, ten found)… get the idea right?

B) Communicate discretion
Make a point to act like nothing ever happen between you unless both of you are alone in private. Man you're embarrassing the girl! Obviously she picked you hoping to have no string attach discreet sex, now you are making everything complicated for her.

YOU are threatening her social circle right now, not the other way around.

So calm down: discretion is key. She don't saw you as boyfriend material, it's obvious. So, like any good lover, playing your part mean DISCRETION. Of course she act like nothing happen in front of the others. It's not that she don't like you, it's discretion.

C) Regain your outcome independence
Or at least fake it until you can make it. With your needy behaviour, you did a lot of damage. Things are not salvageable rite now. Sorry. BUT, by acting independent, aloof, distant, paying attention to other girls, communicating discretion (with may be her and there a DISCREET wink to communicate complicity)… that could help… with time.

… and for the love of all the kitten of the world stop trying to see her again to "clarify things". You communicate weakness when you do that.


Learn the lesson: Next time that a girl want you as lover, stay in that role, don't try to force the boyfriend/girlfriend outcome.

 

[letsdoit]

I totally agree on everything you say.

that fucking breakup ruined by mentality.

but she is coming over in half an hour to watch a movie. I was stupid to ask her.
or maybe she is just coming to talk things through.
then again, she could have pointed another place to meet for that.

should I try to still have sex with her.
yeah, the problem was that talking a lot and getting to know her better over the weekend made me think of her as so good girlfriend material and that ruined me. and we also did psychedelic drugs together and cuddled for 3 nights in a row.

please wish me good luck for today. gonna be casual, a bit aloof etc but still gonna try to have sex with her.

 

[letsdoit]

She came over. We watched a movie and made out the entire night. She seemed more and more and in the end super into me. She said she is gonna go home at some point but in the end didn't even want to leave but stayed over until noon. Didn't go into her morning gym thing and we just slept together.
We didn't have sex. That was a bummer. We did everything else and were naked but she didn't let me penetrate her. I was going for it for hours and she let her guard down more and more but was quite clear about it that it cannot happen today. Partly because of the upcoming planned ayahuasca ceremony on the weekend. (You shouldn't "waste" your sexual energy a few days before it). And partly she said it's because of herself and myself. She said she really would like to though. I'm not sure what that means. Meaning if we would have sex, then one or the other would maybe fall for each other? She also told me that where's the rush, we have time. She was so into kissing and eye glazing that it didn't seem she is playing or testing me in some way.

Anyway the whole hang-out was really intense nevertheless, we really connected.
(I know, I know, One should have sex to move things forward as soon as possible).

I'm a bit screwed now, as I now really really like the girl. It seems she really really likes me too but has some blocks. I would totally like to spend more time with her. And it's not about physical only. She is super smart and inspiring. She seems to be really into me as well. I'm a bit confused though how to navigate this. Wait for her to initiate contact? I think I should avoid this circle a little bit (that's easy, I have things to do. And I have other circles.) She told me the weekend was a bit intense. As we were so new together but were together so much. But her bitchiness was probably me not moving forward during that time and she feeling rejected.

Question is, that on both coming weekends. We were both going to the same Ayahuasca ceremony. That's super intense, I'm not sure whether this would connect us more or rather the other way.
And the next weekend I was going to the same theatre festival out of town as her.

Should I go to them? If I don't message her in the meantime, then seeing her on the weekends for the festivals would be cool?
Or would it be better to be away a bit, to let this weekend settle a bit.

One red flag seems for not seeing me as boyfriend material, is that she is not asking that many questions about me. As I am about her.

 

[Drck]

Don't doubt yourself. She keeps hanging around and there is a progress, so she is obviously interested. Keep doing the same, she will eventually give it up.

She may pull back, make it seem that she's done with you, that she dropped you and changed her mind. BEWARE, it is a test, she may just test your true confidence. If she does it don't react to it, don't bombard her with messages, don't chase, don't ask her for another date(s), don't do anything... Give it 4-5 days without contact (yes, bite your lips and turn off your phone, suffer sleepless nights if you have to), but no contact. Then contact her or go see her, act as if nothing happened, and she will be all over you...

Believe in yourself, we are fucking MEN and not Beta bitches...

 

[Orelfius]

Time for a little bit of testing of your own: I suggest you don't see her until the ceremony and skip the ceremony (yep, kind of flaking on her), without telling anybody. Just don't go. Then you will see if she call or text to ask what's going on, why you were not there, etc.

She expect you to be there and she was as close to intimacy as it possible without sex. So by removing yourself from where she expect you, you should make yourself a bit more wanted, desired. The idea is to put a bit of pressure in the system. Additional benefit: the excuse of the ceremony requiring to conserve sexual energy will be spent. So she won't have that rationalization available anymore.

By skipping the ceremony you achieve the following:
1- Not putting yourself in a position where she could easily refuse you (using again the ceremony excuse).
2- Puting on "hold" the seduction instead of wasting it by spending time without sex with her (attraction as an expiration date, but time spent togeter count ten time more.
3- Increase your desirability by reducing your availability.
4- Shake her out of her feeling of control, wrestle back the control in the interaction.
5- Test her interest for you.
6- Set the table for the final push, so to speak.

 

[letsdoit]

Yeah, makes sense Orelfius... Thanks for this!

I would really like to go to the ceremony (just for he ceremony, not for her) but yeah, probably would be better to find a ceremony without her.
That is not gonna help my seduction I'm afraid as well.

Maybe to go only when she messages or calls me herself before and is warm?

A weekend later than that I also have a theatre festival planned where we're both probably ending up. I could not go but then again, that is not so intimate and close together so I could go.

Do you mean that attraction expires when we're not gonna have real sex soon enough?
or we shouldn't hang out more with hang-outs not leading to sex. the Aya ceremony is not gonna lead to that for sure I'm afraid.

 

[letsdoit]

The only thing I'm thinking is that the ceremony could actually connect us. It's a mind altering and life changing drug for many occasions.
She being there alone could also change her thinking in any direction. Who knows.
But yeah, it's a really tricky business and two way sword.

 

[letsdoit]

The more I think about the anatomy of our make out, I think I should have pushed her more.
I mean she was naked and I was fingering her and I was almost close to penetrating.

I think this might have been a test how dominant I was, and I was not so much.
Everything was so tender.

But why didn't she then want to leave sooner and wanted to caress, cuddle, kiss etc for so long after?
Just because it was nice and comfortable?

I've showcased so much not dominant behaviour, so I'm wondering what's the way out of here?

Damn, I wonder if I ever get her alone with me again in bed.

 

[letsdoit]

So, should I not initiate any contact now?
She know I'm really interested. So, she can contact me?

Maybe contact again mid-next week casually. And if she is vague, it's toast.

 

[Orelfius]

Seriously: you need to play a looooooong video game Marathon followed by another marathon of your favourite show seasons 1 to 9 now. You really need to change your train of thought and stop obsess with her.

 

[letsdoit]

haha, thanks. I know.

it's not so much I obsess about her (which I do too), it's also obsessing about me being a pussy and potentially ruining a good thing and putting myself into friends zone.
because I know I'm a catch when I could just be myself again.

I rarely really like a girl more than a hook-up.

But I hear you. So you recommend not to get in touch before she does, if she does?
She just did. She just sent me a short link email with pictures I asked a while ago.
But very short.

yeah, I'm thinking to skip the ceremony and go to the next one alone.
it would also probably be a distraction with her being there.

 

[letsdoit]

saw her at the party today randomly at the same social group. she was friendly but nothing sexual and she left soon.
I know she needed to leave but still.

should I stop all chase now?

should I start hooking up with other chicks?

still thinking wether to go to that ceremony. We saw each other anyway. She asked me though whether, I'm going. I said I don't know yet.

 

[letsdoit]

I just read this. Is it too late? https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-c ... tence-does
it took a lot of time until this Monday, when we "almost" had sex.

She left today but she knows we cannot have sex with the ceremony being in a few days. That's of course also kind of bs, as she could have come with me anyway.

If I could stop all chase and be in another circles, she might get in touch herself after a while still?
i've had girls coming back a few times like that.

She still sent me a message during today and liked some of my internet stuff. So it's not like she wants me to leave her alone I guess yet.
So, maybe if I do, she might return? Meaning it's not too late to persist yet