Has someone felt like me after a long relationship?

[Houellebecq]

I ended up a relationship in late 2021, after one year and a half i haven't kissed any girl yet. I struggle to talk to other girls, even though before and during this relationship i didnt have this problem. I panic when i think that a girl realize i'm flirting with her (whether it's true or not), because im totally scared about being rejected.

Another problem is that i live in a small spanish town, so if i get rejected by a girl, probably i'll have to see her multiple times. I should move to a bigger city and I've been taking into account it the last months.

I just wanted to share it here, maybe someone has felt like this before and can shed some light on me.

ps: sorry for my english

 

[Jan]

Probably best to talk to girls without any intention first. Or even with such simple things like 'hi', 'how you doing'. Just say it, smile and move on and don't try to continue unless she continues. Take it step by step.

I've never lived in a small town so I don't really have reference experience, and I believe it can be quite tough as the reputation can have a different relative value comparing to city life.

Bear in mind that if you move out to a different place, your problems, your anxiety will most likely move with you. So you will have to confront them at some point either way.

I believe the best solution for anxiety/fear is to FACE IT IN SMALL STEPS. So say 'hi' first to few girls, then just have a small talk without any expectations of anything more, then try to get a date, and so on.

If I was you I would avoid flirting in any public place, and only do it when her social reputation is protected. I don't know how dating is done in small towns, maybe when you are on a walk after a date, late evening or something. Then you can try to kiss her. I'm pretty sure she will appreciate that you are not flirting/being sexual with her during the day or when other people see.

Remember!. You are concerned about anxiety and rejection. Well, she is concerned 10x more about someone from the community labeling her as easy/slut. In your case, they will most likely say: "Well, he is a dude. What do you expect?". If she is labelled as slut, social repercussions are much more severe for her.

 

[Chase]

Hey man, welcome to the Boards.

Have you considered why it’s happening to you?

I had a buddy who was a complete cad. He’d pick up girls in nightclubs and shag them in club bathrooms or, if he couldn’t pull that off, on park benches or even in the dirt and mud outside.

Then he entered into a long-term relationship with a girl he came to really care about. After a year he ended it with her amicably, feeling that he had more growing to do in the game.

I think he slept with one new girl right away, then had a dry spell for a year. He kept picking up girls then blowing it during the escalation to sex, or moving too slow in clubs and girls would get frustrated with him and start trying to make him jealous.

I went out with him finally when I was in his city and guided him through a date (I literally went on the date with him and the girl) and helped him pull the girl but he botched it on the way home, totally avoidably, and she left the cab. So we went back to a bar to find him another girl, and right away ran into a really hot girl there who knew him socially and was super horny and clearly wanted it from him… I told him to get on that and pull her ASAP. Instead after he talked to her a few minutes he let himself get dragged off by some fat girl he knew and I ended up picking up and shagging the hot girl instead.

The next day we talked about this total lack of killer instinct he had now. He said he’d realized before his last girlfriend he was able to pick up girls so easily because he looked down on them and saw them in an unflattering light due to his upbringing, but that relationship with the girlfriend taught him women can be really sweet, kind, caring souls, and all of a sudden he couldn’t act as confidently or aggressively with women because he kept worrying, “What if I hurt her?”

Seeing me pick up that girl he knew so far (I was out of there with her in 15 minutes) shook him out of it to some extent and he was back to his old tricks not long after it. He talked with the girl after and she had really nice things to say about me despite basically the only thing we did was flirt for a short time then shag. I think he realized then that you don’t need to give a girl a romantic LTR to make her happy and give her nice, warm memories. Sometimes just one great night together is enough.

Anyway, something to consider… what is the mindset shift you’ve experienced from before the relationship vs. after it?

Is it some change in you the relationship caused?

The focus needs to be how to integrate any new growth you’ve had as a man with your old skills, ability, and instincts.

Chase

 

[POB]

I struggle to talk to other girls, even though before and during this relationship i didnt have this problem. I panic when i think that a girl realize i'm flirting with her (whether it's true or not), because im totally scared about being rejected.

This is just a mental projection.
Your last relationship has probably left some emotional scars that you haven't addressed yet.
So you subconsciously push the pain you felt (or inflicted) toward new girls.
You are not avoiding girls: you are avoiding this projected pain.

Another problem is that i live in a small spanish town, so if i get rejected by a girl, probably i'll have to see her multiple times. I should move to a bigger city and I've been taking into account it the last months.

Now this is something you can address right away.
If you cannot move, at least spend the weekends in a bigger city.