Having a hard time establishing dominance in general (not only with girls)

[George Hustle]

Hey guys how's it going? This post is mainly going to be me explaining about my best friend and how he unwillingly makes me doubt myself.

Asking you for help instead of talking directly to him? Yeah well, this is not really a problem I can resolve by talking to him in my opinion. Anyhow, he comes from a somewhat rich family (unlike me) and I guess over the years that (and probably other factors) made him build up a sense that he's kind of the top dog around. Now I love him with all my heart, I do not write to you as someone that wants to make him feel bad. It's about me feeling good. He has always been taking the role of an alpha - he has his looks on point, drives a mercedes, gets in the role of famous people he looks up to, honestly he's better looking than me (I don't have much confidence in that area). I like to think that, over the past 2 years, I've changed a lot watching all those inspirational and motivational speeches over at youtube, reading all around on this website, I try and be calm, positive, etc. I am sure I'm a lot more confident than before seeing it as I've changed my body language, the way I handle myself and doing as much as I can into my range of possibilities, I started lifting weights, had built up a good body (even though I'm a bit skinny), though an injury made me stop and I can't keep doing that at the moment. Since weightlifting grew as quite the big part of me and I loved it, now that I've stopped, combined with everything else (I recently left my country to study, family struggles, etc. not gonna bother you with that) I'm feeling really, REALLY bumped.

My friend got himself a girlfriend recently (he didn't have one for a long time) and that "boosted" him even more. Now he tells me how he's gonna help me get a girlfriend of my own once I get back, make me more confident, etc. But I'm just so tired of him seeing me as a weak person that is not confident or can't find a girl on his own. I may not be an expert in picking up girls, but am quite confident in saying I probably know more than him. Anyways, his personality is that he talks whenever he wants (meaning he will interrupt you almost always when he wants to speak), he's acting all dope around and basically makes people think he's of high value. I'm glad that he's found a way to do that and I am grateful for him wanting to help me, but the issue remains.

In more general matter - when I'm in a group I'm usually the one that wants everyone to have a good time, so over time my character kind of developed to be a person that makes people laugh and I think (hope) that people enjoy my company. However, all that happens over a period of time. I need a little time every time I meet someone before I can make them laugh. Don't get me wrong, that's not my point in communications, it's just that when I see people laughing because of me I feel better about myself and honestly, I do like the attention, not gonna lie. But in the first couple times of me meeting people, I need time to get relaxed (guess not as good in meeting people as I think) and be myself.

So basically what I ask for is some advice on how to make myself look better in my friend's eyes. Not only his, but in general I need help on how to move things faster and establish dominance in a group. My buddy, sees me as a little boy that hasn't experienced much and wants to help me but I need to show him that I am fit for the role he's in as well. I know it may seem control freak-ish or desperate for attention and I guess I am but I can't keep doing that since I don't feel as good as I want to.

 

[ray_zorse]

TL;DR once a frame is set it cannot be changed in any reasonable timeframe. Don't call your friend and don't answer his calls. Read Chase's ebook on fundamentals such as not qualifying yourself and not leaning into conversations. Approach some girls and when you meet them for dates practice giving them orders -- sit here -- mind my drink -- give me your hand etc. In mixed groups DO NOT TRY TO BE DOMINANT, only try to have good boundaries like not letting people insult or disrespect you or give you orders, except when the group is receiving firm and effective and benevolent leadership from those you respect, then go along with it and support their leadership. In social circle dominance happens organically by your focusing on adding value to the group and only stepping in where leadership appears to be lacking (e.g. you all leave the club and are standing outside, desultory conversation ensues, some want to get food, some want another club, some want to go home and some want to go to a house party they got invited to in the club... you sense a lack of leadership, quickly canvass the options, decide which options are for real, make a decision and start putting people into cars or taxis or whatever). And, do this with new people who have never seen your current weak frame and will evaluate you freshly. There isn't any point with your current social circle.
Ray

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Whenever a friend of mine gets a new girlfriend, I take a lot of what he says soon after with a grain of salt, because I know that he's about to become a huge douche. It's called "girlfriend confidence" and it does erode with time. That's why he's become hell bent on domineering you. He's got regular pussy and (if she's really hot) he feels like quite the stud. Add that to his already sky-high confidence and now he thinks he has two cocks.

When I got with my second girlfriend in college, I was a monstrous douchebag. My frame was stupid good and I felt like the king (and to some extent, was), but I alienated some friends and pissed off many others.

It happens.

For your sake, however, the best response to this is

1. Call him out on it. If he's ever being disrespectful or blatantly condescending, ask him why he's being a douche. He won't be used to defiance and it'll knock him off balance, plus if you can barb with someone on such a high-horse, it's a testament to your frame control.

2. Just enjoy it. There are benefits to having friends who are both high value and THINK they are higher value than you. They'll tend to give their best advice when they don't feel like they have to censor themselves (i.e., you accept their dominance). Other than women going for him over you, there's really no downfall to him thinking he's better than you other than your ego taking a beating (and the more you can beat that little shit into submission, the better).

To be frank, it seems like you're still relatively inexperienced and that's okay. So avoid option 1 (which is for guys who are near equals) and instead go with course 2. Play your role (for now). Hangout with him, study him, observe how he flirts with his girlfriend (and handles drama), and also how he flirts with other girls (guy with girlfriends have amazing game), let him teach you whatever he wants to teach you, and just stroke his ego with frequent compliments.

But let him initiate most hangouts/going out. You still gotta use game. Provide him with value and passively soak his in.

And one day, you'll be hanging out with him and you'll realize that he starts acting submissive with you.

One day, you'll go out with him, and realize that women are chasing you and not him.

And on that day, because you subverted your own ego and chose progress over resting on your laurels (what most successful men with girlfriends do), you'll realize you've passed him up.

I've done it more times than I can count.

Don't worry about proving anything to him or showing him you can hang. If you are a good student, that will happen naturally. Just shut up, enjoy the education, and keep grinding. You're doing just fine so far, my friend.

Divinity is waiting for you; the only thing that has to die is your ego, and that's exactly what motivates you to want to be him. Strangely enough, that which binds you is also the thing that leads to your freedom

Further,

Hector