It's been a very long time for me since I posted something to this site that was substantial. I was waylaid by depression and took months off of talking to girls to deal with that. I'm not sure that one can ever really be "cured" of depression but I'm in a much better place than I used to be and I'm ready to get back out there 
Funny thing that happened, I learned how to be a smoother person in dealing with my issues. A lot of the material that I read corresponded to being non-reactive to the feelings that pop up or trying to focus on something else or changing your reactions to more positive ones. At first, this was all over my head and utterly frustrating to implement but I was able to put it all together. Here's a way that I can explain it.
Say you're on a roller-coaster. You don't like roller-coasters. But you want to get over that so that you can enjoy them. When you're on the ascent and you hear the clicking of the track as the car slowly climbs up, your brain will scream "DANGER!!!" and send adrenaline through you and sweat pouring over you.
You can react in different ways:
Unhealthy reaction: Panic. Tense up. Fidget. Close your eyes. Maybe even scream.
Healthy reaction: Calmness. Even breathing. Open gaze. Loose body.
Of course, the healthy reaction is the one you want but your brain is wanting you to react the unhealthy way. And it's so much easier to react in the unhealthy way because of all the unpleasant feelings you're having. So you need to learn to be nonreactive to those feelings.
In a social situation:
Your friends call you gay. You're not gay. They know you're not.
Unhealthy reaction: Defensiveness: "I'm not gay! Stop calling me that!" or Embarrassment: "Hey guys, let's focus on the game, all right?"
Healthy reaction: Nonchalance: a shrug like you don't care or Flirtiness: "Well, now that you know, I have to confess something: I've always loved you"
In a mental situation (one that I actually dealt with myself):
You're not secure in yourself. You see a guy who looks better than you with a gorgeous girl on his arm. Your brain is throwing out chemicals and you're having uncomfortable sensations.
Unhealthy reaction: Jealousy: "Who does he think he is?". Self-hatred: "I suck. I'm not like him and I'll never get there".
Healthy reaction: Nonreaction i.e. remaining calm and not having any self-destructive thoughts and getting back on with the work that you were doing before. Positivity: "If I keep working on myself, I'm gonna get a girl like that someday too".
The mental situations were the most painful for me and the most confusing because the uncomfortable sensations can take the form of unhealthy reactions and vice versa. It becomes like a big goop that is hard to get out of. So in terms of mental situations, nonreaction worked best. Positivity just sounds like empty words when you have these feelings and can actually reinforce them because you start to pay attention and validate them.
I'm not perfect but I have a lot more love for myself than I used to and I'm grateful to myself for that and to the people who helped me.
Now it's time to meet some beautiful women
Funny thing that happened, I learned how to be a smoother person in dealing with my issues. A lot of the material that I read corresponded to being non-reactive to the feelings that pop up or trying to focus on something else or changing your reactions to more positive ones. At first, this was all over my head and utterly frustrating to implement but I was able to put it all together. Here's a way that I can explain it.
Say you're on a roller-coaster. You don't like roller-coasters. But you want to get over that so that you can enjoy them. When you're on the ascent and you hear the clicking of the track as the car slowly climbs up, your brain will scream "DANGER!!!" and send adrenaline through you and sweat pouring over you.
You can react in different ways:
Unhealthy reaction: Panic. Tense up. Fidget. Close your eyes. Maybe even scream.
Healthy reaction: Calmness. Even breathing. Open gaze. Loose body.
Of course, the healthy reaction is the one you want but your brain is wanting you to react the unhealthy way. And it's so much easier to react in the unhealthy way because of all the unpleasant feelings you're having. So you need to learn to be nonreactive to those feelings.
In a social situation:
Your friends call you gay. You're not gay. They know you're not.
Unhealthy reaction: Defensiveness: "I'm not gay! Stop calling me that!" or Embarrassment: "Hey guys, let's focus on the game, all right?"
Healthy reaction: Nonchalance: a shrug like you don't care or Flirtiness: "Well, now that you know, I have to confess something: I've always loved you"
In a mental situation (one that I actually dealt with myself):
You're not secure in yourself. You see a guy who looks better than you with a gorgeous girl on his arm. Your brain is throwing out chemicals and you're having uncomfortable sensations.
Unhealthy reaction: Jealousy: "Who does he think he is?". Self-hatred: "I suck. I'm not like him and I'll never get there".
Healthy reaction: Nonreaction i.e. remaining calm and not having any self-destructive thoughts and getting back on with the work that you were doing before. Positivity: "If I keep working on myself, I'm gonna get a girl like that someday too".
The mental situations were the most painful for me and the most confusing because the uncomfortable sensations can take the form of unhealthy reactions and vice versa. It becomes like a big goop that is hard to get out of. So in terms of mental situations, nonreaction worked best. Positivity just sounds like empty words when you have these feelings and can actually reinforce them because you start to pay attention and validate them.
I'm not perfect but I have a lot more love for myself than I used to and I'm grateful to myself for that and to the people who helped me.
Now it's time to meet some beautiful women
