Hitting Stagnation and its blunders.Need boost

[demainor]

Hey brothers,
its been a dissapointing week so far. no new numbers for no good reason and all previously collected ones are dead ends. But the real reason am writing this down is because of a blunder l made on friday.

theres a classmate l have been interested in for quite a while, since last year to be precise. I actually managed to pull her to my place though nothing significant happen. now come friday, am with her after class and shes telling me about how her throat we go for lunch after doing our assignment.

For whatever reason , l cant be sexual with this girl. l dont know if its because l already like her or because she knew me before GC but l realized how far l had to go that friday afternoon. we are heading back to towards the hostels and my head is completely blank, l cant think of any interesting stories. l dont even have a plan, but as we near her place, l just automatically follow her to her place.

shes okay with this, as am writing my name at the door, she tells me the room number and goes ahead. when l get there the door is closed. l call her twice and text her,all taking about 7 minutes and l get bored of standing outside in the corridor and leave.

like 3 mins later l check my fone and see her missed call and a text apologising saying shed gone to the loo. i tell her its cool, and that its the universes way of protecting me from her hungry hands(trying to set chase frame) now this is where l made the blunder, l actually texted her whether shes open to the idea of me and her having a no string attached relationship.

well of course she said she wasnt upto the idea, and by this time l had already come back to my senses and roundly kicked my own but with a goddang hammer. l know about not giving girls the option of a yes/no option, and i know l should have persisted when face to face but no chase over the phone, and l know l should have tried to go back, but l still made the mistake.

My question, is how do you push yourself when your in a slump. To get out there and run worthwhile game? and how do you maintain that sense of awareness when your with a girl ?

 

[Joy]

I sense a disturbance in your game.

Regarding the lack of numbers - fuck it man. It's no big deal. When you become obsessed about having numbers and dates as an outcome you are, by definition, attached to the outcome. If things don't go your way then your emotions are adversely impacted and new girls you talk to sense the negativity. It then rubs off on them.

Girls won't logically know why they don't feel good about you (although they'll rationalize, don't you worry) but as empathetic creatures (think mirror neurons) they observe your behavior which is a reflection of your internal state (think micro-expressions) and feel uncomfortable in your presence. Essentially they won't feel happy and cool around you because you don't feel happy and cool yourself. Anyway, it's times like these were your chances drop and if you fail the negativity gets amplified and the cycle continues. Eventually this leads guys to desperately need positive emotional boosts and then they get needy / ask for help / get drunk etc. As you can imagine, that's not a very happy place to be.

Be weary of chasing outcomes whether they be smiles/laughs, numbers, dates, lays, etc. Instead try letting go of the outcome and instead focus on the experience itself. That is why many gamers recommend self-amusement. They do it because it is great for motivation and actual game. Essentially, as long as you like what you're actually doing instead of using it as a means to an end, you're golden. That's how you let go of the outcome. Find joy in the process - find something you like about gaming - whether it's the freedom to talk to anyone you choose or the rush you get when you approach total stunners - whatever floats your boat. Either way you will be happy with yourself and the happiness will radiate to the girls you interact with much the same way your negativity does.

This is how you maintain your sense of presence and awareness. This is how you avoid slumps in the first place. This is how you get out of them if you're in one already.

Now please understand I'm not telling you to be passive - I'm telling you find joy in the work you do. You shouldn't just give up trying and become lazy in the name of outcome independence. Think of it like throwing skipping stones in a lake or a river. The stone might get far or nowhere at all - if you get pleasure from the time it's in the air rather than each bounce you'll enjoy each stone equally regardless of the bounces it makes and before you know it you're having fun even if all you're doing is throwing boulders. If you're trying to get the maximum skips possible and for some reason fail a couple times, there is a real danger of drowning in your own frustration at which point you'll quite while in the former case you'd be having fun AND productively practicing the skill.

Regarding the girl you mentioned. I get it - it sucks man. I messed up with a bunch of girs too - it's not very pleasant. Still, and I tend to say this a lot, but shit happens man. Don't beat yourself up over it. Remember the whole outcome independence thing? Embrace it. So you're not her cup of tea - no big deal. Just tell her you're sorry if you made her uncomfortable it's just that she was looking exceptionally cute that day and you couldn't help yourself. If you still want to be friends with her then tell her that you don't want things to be awkward and that you still want her as a friend and proceed AS A FRIEND. Otherwise, say the same thing but gently start to distance yourself and let her go.

WHATEVER YOU DO, don't chase her at this point in time.

If the girl was ever interested in you chances are you missed your escalation windows way back (you said you knew her for a while) so most of what you were doing was in vain. The impression I get from your story is that even if you persisted with her in person then you would have still gotten nowhere. Trust me, just because you and a girl are alone in a room it doesn't mean ANYTHING. I learned that the hard way.

Again, don't beat yourself up over it. Shit happens - you don't NEED the outcome anyway. On the bright side congratulate yourself for being honest with what you wanted, make a mental note to NOT wait a year before trying to escalate, keep strong and carry on.

Cheers mate and all the best!
- Joy

PS: Sorry for the long essay, I get carried away sometimes. Still, hope it helps.

 

[demainor]

Hey Joy,
no need to apologize, that piece has hit me deeply. l will have to go over it several more times simply to understand and imbed all that information in my head. Thank you for the reply, and for putting it in such a way. l hope you wont mind me coming back for more in the future, as am sure your level of experience is way higher than one may anticipate from you.

Now, as for the girl. l havent chased her at all. l simply rectified the mistake by telling her in a joking way, that if she did want to explore she should hit me up, then changed the subject instantly. The thing l have noticed though is the irony of chasing that which got away. for some reason, l find myself thinking(not overthinking) about the girls that my interactions with them imploded or didnt work out. l think it would just be easier to delete their numbers. Another thing that has come to my attention is the relationship between how high you rise and how low you fall. an example is the high sense of achievement l felt when l kissed a randomn way older woman in 5 minutes and got a bj from a girl l met in like an hour, l then compare it with the sense of desolation l faced in the past week and l see its ridiculously similar. The difference between the highs and the lows is larger than back when l didnt try to improve my game, or before l started being successful in it. the lows are as devastating to my ego as the highs are building it up.

But l thank GC and guys such as you for helping me see the bigger picture, not focusing on the losses but instead thanking my new found person for having taken the opportunity to fail. so even as l look back at that experience, all am seeing is the mistake of asking, not trying to take, for its one of the fundamentals am trying to ingrain in my mind : Better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. I have just read about the man Jack London, and it has encouraged me to focus my will on attaining my goals but enjoy the process of getting there more than the achievement in itself.

So what l will try to do,
1. Simply enjoy the moment and amuse myself as l push forward with escalation.
2. Not to beat myself up simply because of not having things l get.
3. Learn to be aware during interactions and not to let my mind wander.

Joy, feel free to drop a line, l truly appreciate the wisdom.