How Can I Get My Ex Back?

[Richard]

I'm writing this with the utmost happiness now. There's a long story to my love life, and needless to say, I fell in love with my first girlfriend, who is my first and only ex. I broke up with her because of things that she did, and she ended up blaming me and hating me for what I did (brake up with her because she felt like I gave up on her), and we went our separate ways. After the break up, I thought I would feel better, and I didn't... I hated the feeling I had after that break up, and it was the only time I contemplated suicide... I pressed onward and found this site, and can now pick up women and I have grown exponentially from the time I broke up with her.

Anyway, she was at my step-brother's house with his wife (his wife is my ex's adopted sister), and I saw her again. I dropped her off at the train station, and we ended up texting while she was on the train, and decided to text as friends from time to time ( I said time to time), and she texted me the next day, and the day after. She apologized sincerely for what she did, and said that:
"I can honestly say I was the one in the wrong and I'm truly sorry."

I felt so good at this moment because she apologized, and we ended up taking the blame off each other's shoulders because I wasn't ready for a relationship, which I know now, but didn't know then... Anyway, she has a good boyfriend, but craves sex, and doesn't get it all the time (not as much as she'd like). I asked her if she was interested in having sex with me, and she responded instantly with "Yea"

but, when she said she can't have sex with me even if she wants to because of her boyfriend, she says, "it's not fair if both people don't agree..." so, if she has an additional sex partner, he gets one too.

How do I proceed with this? If I'm unclear anywhere, or if you require more detail, feel free to ask or respond...

 

[PrettyDecent]

Hey Zphix,

You're title says "How can I get my ex back?" (implying you want her as a girlfriend) while you later inquired how to sleep with her without breaking up the relationship.

So. What is your desired end result?

Is it just sex? You clearly have the skills to pick up new women, that can't be it. Perhaps that emotional connection? Old feelings? Check it out:

I'm writing this with the utmost happiness now.

After the break up, I thought I would feel better, and I didn't... I hated the feeling I had after that break up, and it was the only time I contemplated suicide...

You see where I'm headed? From what it sounds like, you have a firm emotional investment in this girl. And (allow me to assume here) if your end result is to satisfy or relinquish that longing feeling, your going to throw oxygen, rather than sand, into the flame by sleeping with her.

https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=2829; I saw you in this discussion, but I feel like it's still relevant. Specifically how Franco replaced the old girl, but still had that same feeling toward the new girl. He didn't need his "fix" of his old girlfriend anymore, he could acquire it through a new girl of equal or higher caliber.

The way I see it:
- Sleeping with her without making her your girlfriend - This just makes you want her more (she is "what you can't have"), and you swing back into a depression.
- Sleeping with her and making her your girlfriend - Here you are settling, and relying on her as a crutch for your own feelings. You'll lose some ability to approach before you break up again.
- Not sleeping with her - You'll feel some temporary pain again, but then go and approach new women and build up your skills to achieve true abundance mentality. You won't need her (or any other girl) ever again.

The choice is yours...but if your absolutely, definitively, resolved about your decision to make her your girlfriend, then you would need to meet up with her and give her amazing, hard sex. If she's not getting what she needs from her boyfriend, but from you instead, she will chase you. These articles would also aid you:
How to get your girlfriend back
How to sleep with a girl who has a Boyfriend

Good luck either way, brother!
Jake

 

[Richard]

PD,
I greatly appreciate the response. At the moment, I'd just like casual sex with her as I'm looking for another LTR, other girls have been decent in bed but didn't really know what they were doing too well, so, I literally had to move them into place, and assist them with what they were supposed to be doing sexually... This girl is good though! and while I'm looking for another LTR, I'd rather be having the good sex with her. Currently, I'm not emotionally tied to her, but in the future, she could potentially end up being my next LTR, but I'm not relying on her because I just want a girl who meets my qualifications, she does, and I know other girls can but I haven't met another girl who has yet.

I learned to pick up women for a LTR, not for a fling or sex. Sex doesn't keep me around and it doesn't dictate my happiness, but a woman who takes my initial happiness and amplifies it does... So basically what I want from her now, is just casual sex, almost a fuckbuddy or FWB type of relation. If she ends up being my next LTR so be it, but I'm still looking for one, and not relying on her either...

I hope that clears things up a bit,

Richard

 

[Chase]

Richard-

Moved this one to "Relationships."

Chase

 

[The Tool]

I learned to pick up women for a LTR, not for a fling or sex. Sex doesn't keep me around and it doesn't dictate my happiness, but a woman who takes my initial happiness and amplifies it does... So basically what I want from her now, is just casual sex, almost a fuckbuddy or FWB type of relation. If she ends up being my next LTR so be it, but I'm still looking for one, and not relying on her either...

Because she has a boyfriend. Unless she tells you she is generally unhappy with him. Dont be that guy.. you know what I mean.

As for wanting your ex back. Because you havnt found anyone that quite measures up its normal to think back and say. "Damn I havnt found anyone that great. I really want her back". Truth is there is someone as amazing. if not more amazing than your ex. And you have the tools to find her.

How I see it. You and her broke up. Therefore there is a reason why. And I feel That once a couple breaks up, there is no reason to get back together with that person.

And I know your mindset doesn't dwell in a place of scarcity. It thrives in a place of abundance. So get this girl out of thee ole noggin and continue chugging on to find that girl who truly is amazing and who you end up not breaking up with

Cheers, The Tool

 

[Richard]

Tool,

My current dilemma is like this:
Her and I broke up for one reason, she did the one thing that would cause me to break up with her, she's long since stopped it, and is truly sorry for what she did. I got over her and thought she was the perfect girl for me, and through talking to other women, I know for sure what I do and don't want in a woman. Ironically enough, my ex (if she truly stopped her old way) is actually the embodiment of everything I look for in a woman.

Anyway though, she's interested in sex with me, and wouldn't mind having sex with me, but she said she has a boyfriend, so, should I still try to escalate physically next time she's in my car?

 

[Chase]

Richard-

Nothing to add here on getting girls back that isn't already in the website articles, which you've probably read, but I will say this:

Her and I broke up for one reason, she did the one thing that would cause me to break up with her, she's long since stopped it, and is truly sorry for what she did. I got over her and thought she was the perfect girl for me, and through talking to other women, I know for sure what I do and don't want in a woman. Ironically enough, my ex (if she truly stopped her old way) is actually the embodiment of everything I look for in a woman.

Tigers don't change stripes. They just get better at blending into the tall grass.

Sometimes, though, that's a lesson you need life to rudely deliver to you a time or two before you accept it.

Chase

 

[Richard]

Chase, from my studies in college I know that people are more often than not horrible with predicting their feelings, and as such, I've learned to take advice from others on the matter, so, I trust the opinions of my fellow PUA

-Richard

 

[Richard]

My resolve in this case after reading your responses as well as Chase's repsonse to Sly in his dilemma. I've resolved to date other women =)

 

[Richard]

Chase, what I'm about to ask is more geared towards you and your personal experience, but everyone is free to voice their experiences. Because I felt so strongly for my ex, breaking up with her created a void I guess in my heart, and I've been afraid that I won't find that love again. Is meeting a lot of women just a way to fill the void, or is it more than that? I'd greatly appreciate your words on this one...

 

[The Tool]

Because I felt so strongly for my ex, breaking up with her created a void I guess in my heart, and I've been afraid that I won't find that love again. Is meeting a lot of women just a way to fill the void, or is it more than that? I'd greatly appreciate your words on this one...

I'm not Chase but nothing can fill that void. Not all the quick sex and flings pick up can bring. it only masks it. The only thing that can truly fill that void. Is another woman. One who is even more incredible. and shes out there. Shes just waiting for you to "pick her up".

Some might say self improvement and working on yourself can fill the void. But we humans are programmed to essentially never be satisfied with ourselves so good luck with that

 

[Richard]

Thanks for the advice Tool, you've been very helpful to me since I started talking to you =) So, in the mean time, I still have that void, I still feel empty and lonely some times. Very rarely, I'll lay awake at night and catch myself thinking back to when I had someone to hold while I was sleeping, someone to watch over while they were sleeping. I'll still miss those feelings she gave me, that I haven't felt from or for another girl since. So, in the mean time, what can I do?

 

[The Tool]

I still feel empty and lonely some times. Very rarely, I'll lay awake at night and catch myself thinking back to when I had someone to hold while I was sleeping, someone to watch over while they were sleeping. I'll still miss those feelings she gave me, that I haven't felt from or for another girl since. So, in the mean time, what can I do?

This woman had quite the effect eh? I went through the same thing. That thoughts of "will someone better come alone?" "if only things had been different I wouldn't be in this bed alone tonight" and "What if I never find someone"

what can I do?

So what I did was. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said "I'm going to find an amazing woman. One I wont feel I settled for"

I studied pickup to almost near insanity absorbing everything there is to know (much as you are doing)

I went out and practiced. getting numbers, getting dates, bringing the dates home. (much as you are doing)

I screened the girls, qualified them and decided on the first date which girls met the standard I had set for the girl I wanted. (what you should be doing)

I found a girl who went beyond my expectations and I decided I was going to make her MINE! (your goal)

I made that girl mine. (ultimate goal)

All you can do in the meantime to be honest is to work towards filling that void of yours by continuing to chug your way out there until you find that amazing woman.

How do you know when you found that amazing woman?

You cant stop thinking about her.
None of the other girls you go on dates with measure up to the date you went on with her
you too are compatable sexually
you feel that spark when you kiss her
she makes you question pickup and weather you should continue it or try to make the relationship exclusive. (THIS FOR ME WAS THE BIG ONE)

Key though to making her yours as you know is too continue being seductive, sexy, suave, sly, and charming. Dont let the fact that you are into the girl ruin the seduction by thinking you will mess it up. everything this site teaches work. I know from experience.



Thats what you need to do.

Cheers, The Tool

 

[Richard]

I truly appreciate the help Tool =)
I realized last night I'm not emotionally connected to her in a relationship way, I don't want her back, but I do want her there, as a friend...

In the mean time though, I'll be on the look out for my next girlfriend. Currently, there are 2 girls in 2 of classes that I want to talk to, but, I'm not too sure how to work game during class itself.

 

[The Tool]

Anytime Brother.

As for in class Game. I could go into detail but Chase has an excellent post on that on the site. Type in classroom game in the search bar and you should find it.

 

[Sly]

Richard,

I know we've discussed relationships on my thread but I have a couple things to add on after seeing this.

I was in a three year relationship and I broke up with her as I wasn't happy anymore and realized she wasn't at all my ideal good girlfriend. After breaking up with her it was such a breath of fresh air and I was truly happy. A little while after our breakup though, I found out she had cheated on me multiple times while we were together- this made me shocked, angered and extremely upset all at the same time. I was probably emotionally similar to you. Through pick-up and focusing on other things like music and my friends, I was able to let go of some of those emotions. Eventually as you've read in my other posts I found an amazing girlfriend who blows my ex out of the water in all categories. I am very happy now with her.

I'm going to be honest with you though, I still do think of my ex sometimes. Other women have gradually helped me get over her, with my current girlfriend really vanishing any remnants of any emotion I still had left, but I have realized something: she will always be the first girl I loved and therefore always have a special part in my heart. I know that sounds like such corny bullshit, but I think it's true. Whether or not you like it (which I personally don't), you will always have those memories with her and there's honestly no erasing that. Although I think of her from time to time, I do believe I am over her and without a blink of an eye would chose my current girlfriend over her.

I apologize for the obscurity but what I'm trying to say is, if you felt similarly about your girl as I did about my ex, you will never completely forget her. I know that doesn't sound comforting but I can confidently tell you my new girlfriend has made me much happier than I ever was with my ex. You have to realize that your next girlfriend will not fill the void of your ex, nor cancel her out of your memory but will potentially make that void your ex-girlfriend left you so insignificant.

I'm certain with your skills in pickup you'll find a better, more ideal, sexier girl out there. Just lean back, relax and try to enjoy the ride before you get there.

SLY

 

[Richard]

Sly, I appreciate your words, and they are helpful. Whilst I was mulling everything over, I was thinking of your predicament, and Tool's which are vastly similar to mine. I'm fine with the memories of my ex, and I'm fine without her. Currently though, I miss having someone for me.

I've always been able to internalize my own happiness, I've always been able to create my own happiness without relying on another person. But, I know what a good relationship does for my happiness, it amplifies it, and that's what I miss most. I get the most pleasure in my life from good conversation, from good understanding, which is why I keep a small but tight knit circle.

She was ideal for me, and currently, she's all I really know as far as love and emotions are concerned because I haven't felt for or from another girl like how I felt from and for my ex. Basically though, I'm content with the memories, I'm content with the thoughts, but I do want that strong relationship again.

Sly, I'm curious to see what else you have to say on the matter because you articulate very well.

-Richard

 

[Sly]

Richard,

I apologize for my absence on the boards and thus the lengthy time it's taken me to respond. I've just been really busy with the start of school. Hopefully in the last little while you're on your way to meeting that special woman.

I'm currently studying something in psychology that I think you'd find interesting. We are looking into the determinants of happiness. What are the determinants of happiness?

Many commonsense notions about happiness tend to be inaccurate. There are three categories in my text that are split up into "unimportant, somewhat important and important determinants of happiness". All of which have been tested with a Subjective Well-Being survey- a test where Individuals’ personally assess their overall happiness or life satisfaction. I will not go into detail of the survey because then this post will be too drawn-out but I will point out some of the important details.

Unimportant: Wealth, Age, Intelligence – All factors many would speculate are important determinants of happiness, while there is little correlation between happiness and these traits.

Somewhat Important: Health, Religion, Culture- These factors may assist in increasing happiness but all don’t directly have such strong correlations. For example, most people take their good health for granted and only when ill is health a real influence on one’s happiness. As well, a link exists between religion and happiness as research suggests that those with heartfelt religious convictions are more likely to be happy than people who characterize themselves as nonreligious.

IMPORTANT: Love, marriage and relationship satisfaction: People rate being in love as one of the most critical ingredients of happiness. As you’ve followed my journey, I’m glad to report back to you that my one-time PUA Dilemma, has completely resolved itself as I’m as happy as I could be with my girlfriend. I do believe, strong-healthy relationships foster happiness. I’d be lying if I said though, I don’t wonder about my other options. Everyone does and you will to once you find that girl! With that being said, when it comes down to it, why would I leave something so great? I’d be crazy!

What’s also interesting to note is that Genetics and Personality- may be the best predictor of someone’s future happiness is their past happiness. Some people destined to be happy while others not. Studies suggest that genetic predispositions account for a substantial variance in happiness.

What I’m trying to say is, that through reading your posts you seem like a genuinely content person. Yeah, you’ve had days/weeks where you feel like shit, just as I have and I’m sure other Board Members have in the past. When it comes down to though it you’ve mentioned you can create your own happiness, independent of any variables- which is key! I do think that finding the right woman can enhance your happiness, as sharing your time and creating memories with a special person is ideal, but you will be fine on the road to finding that special person!

You will find someone else BETTER than your ex, I am sure. In the meanwhile, just update us on your success stories (for those living our “single days” vicariously through you) and stick to playing pool And although I don’t always respond, I’m definitely watching from afar.

SLY

 

[Richard]

Hey Sly,

I've long since gotten over my ex, just had a relapse at that particular moment. I realized that quite a lot after I had calmed down about the whole thing, it's not my ex that I wanted, it was the feelings again, and my ex had been the only girl to give me those feelings.

Anyway, the determinants of happiness. Fun, fun stuff you guys are talking about there, and if you find that interesting, Sly, I suggest you take a look into the newest era of psychology, Positive Psychology, founded by Martin Seligman. His belief was that "therapy," up until the 21st century was geared towards returning people to normal, to the "average" person, and he and his colleagues instead believe that psychology should be used to help people become even better.

What they started with is outliers. On a graph, an outlier is any point that deviates far from the norm of the graph, take a linear graph like y=2X, it would be a horizontal line like this /, an outlier would be a point that deviates very far from that norm, like (2,16). Anyway, they studied human outliers to see how they got to be better than the average person, and devised theories on the better than average people.

Seligman devised three types of positive living based on the determinants of happiness that you mentioned, and the three styles of happy living are: The Pleasant Life, The Good Life, and the Meaningful Life! Happiness increases as you go up the list.

That's a brief overview, if you're interested, I recommend you take a look at it. If possible, it's a field I'd love to get in to!

I really appreciate the reply Sly, and I'm incredibly happy to hear about the success of you and your girlfriend, I wish you both the best I've got one girl in a college class that I'm having a little trouble opening though because of a few factors, but she seems like the GF type to me, I had that "feeling" Chase talked about with his girlfriends, like the first time I saw her I was a little stricken, but I don't have many opportunities to open her.

-Rich

 

[Sly]

Rich,

Glad to hear you've since come to that realization and have mentally moved on.

In regards to psych, that's not my forte but I'd be interested to look into what you're discussing when I have some free time.

As for the girl in your college class, there's not much advice I see fit giving, as you've really grown into your own with women and I'd go as far as saying- I could learn a thing or two from you, but there is one piece of advice I think worth reiterating. I'm not sure of the obstacles you speak of in regards to opening this girl, but in my opinion you need make your own opportunities. Yes the situation may not be ideal, so make it ideal! You may not be sitting next to her in class, so make sure to walk out of the class near her... You must go after what you want! Sitting back and waiting for it too fall in your lap is silly. We only have so much time in our lives- why waste is by waiting? This goes for everything in life, not just women. I'm sure you're aware of the fact, but a reminder never hurt anyone.

As for creating your own opportunity, obviously incorporating the Law of least Effort is important into your interaction. What I mean is, if you want to begin speaking to her after class, don't wait at the door for her to walk by but "coincidentally" leave the class at the same time and strike up a conversation.

Don't mean to be pushy but that's just my two cents on this particular situation. Hope it helps.

SLY