How can I help someone combat social anxiety?

[daviddreamer]

It is my younger brother. I am trying to help him deal with his social anxiety problems ever since he told me he has been really really depressed lately.....but its really really difficult to help him out other then the usual me just listening to him. Not only do I not live in the same country....he has a very difficult personality to deal with. He sort of rationalizes everything, has bad victim mentality, and also he may be somewhat of a hidden genius (its possible...hes gotta be at least above average intelligence). Think Shelton from Big Bang Theory. He is a lot like him no kidding. To him woman and socializing isn't "rational" and he says he is trying to "defeat his primal needs of having to interact with others." (in his own words)

Using heavy amounts of empathy I was able to find he is aware that he has social anxiety however I think he is going about it wrong. I told him he needs to keep exposing himself to people and situations to deal with it....whereas he is trying to find ways to be "at peace" with being isolated.

 

[metomeya]

Be VERY careful when trying to help solve someone's problem for them.

I understand he is your brother and you want the best for him. However, I see many parents cause lots of harm to their children trying to "fix" them (I say "fix" because they were never broke to being with).

My suggestion is to support your brother, but do not guide your brother. I say this because, ultimately, guiding your brother is really just a form of manipulation. And no one likes to be manipulated. And he'll hold it against you if you do.

That means always let him know he has an open invitation with social events (because, at the opposite side, he might be bitter if you never invite him), but don't pressure or try to guilt him into going.

Ultimately, he as to decide to change. The best thing you can do for him is to always stay positive and open with him.

You should really focus on enjoying and having fun in your own life. Maybe you already do, but just want to make the point because it is an important one. For example, if you are doing fun things like going to the water park, concerts, etc., I bet you he'll want to tag along. Then he'll finally get out there, but on his terms and by his own decision.

I understand it is a sensitive situation. I hope for the best for you and your brother.

Edit: Sorry, didn't see you guys live in different countries. I still stand by the statement all you can do is stay positive. Is one of you in college? What is the situation?

 

[Drck]

Many times you can only help people who want to be helped...

If he is rationalizing, try to use rationalization and logic to get him figured out what he wants to do in the future, whether alone or with some GF.

Will he be more happy alone or with GF? If he is happy alone why is he getting so depressed? If he has social anxiety that causes him depression, is it really the smart thing to avoid it? Is it really the smartest thing to live life with victim mentality? Those are questions he should be answering for himself.

Try to kinda beat him in his own game, use logic and reasoning. You should be just "suggesting" though, don't try to convince him because he will always find reasons to beat your reason. Try to use kind of open-ended questions about "some guy" (not him) and then don't argue, don't disagree with him.

For example, you can talk to your brother and suggest: My friend Joe is having lots of difficulties talking to other people, he is shy and kind of avoidant. He likes girls, and he really wants to talk to girls, but he rather spents all the time on his own, thinking that he can't get any. He is thinking that the whole world is against him and no one understands him. This avoidance also causes him bad thoughts, he doesn't want to do anything, he spents all the time on his onw, and to me he looks quite depressed. He must be depressed because of that. What would you do, what advice do you think I should give him?

Then let him reason the situation and don't fight his conclusions. Next time create similar situation and use another friend, say Jason. And the next time it different situation you read about, with some guy. Once he changes his thoughts he might change his behavior, it might take long time but it is what it is...

 

[metomeya]

I don't know Drck, I have a father who does the same thing and once you figure out what they are doing it feels very manipulative. It even feels like they are looking down at your from an intellectual level and it gets annoying fast.

But if you get him to talk openly and rationally about his situation, I don't see anything wrong with that. Just don't framing the questions to try to get the person to come to your conclusion. They have to come to their own conclusion. Be like a therapist and let them rant.

And, like I said, just be positive with him.

Just my thoughts from my experience.

 

[Drck]

Metomeya, yea, it is always difficult, and it all depends. It should be done slowly, over long period of time, without hinting that it is actually him (his brother). Direct talk can also help, but it seems that he's already tried it.

 

[metomeya]

Ya, but i'm saying is isn't his place to try to fix him. And trying new tactics isn't the way. If anything it is wrong.

Doing it "slowly, over long period of time" doesn't change the fact it is manipulation and doesn't rule out the fact that he might figure out what is going on.

This is a person we are talking about not a machine. You don't just change inputs to try to get your desired output. When you do that to a person, there are serious consequences to that person's well being. It is his brother's place to figure out his own life and it is his place to be there for him.

That means being direct, honest, and caring.

 

[Drck]

I don't see it as manipulation. The guy is depressed, he needs help, and normal talk doesn't help because he thinks he is smarter than others. You don't really gain anything by helping him. There are of course different ways to help him, but I doubt he will go to see therapist. He is too smart for that and he is "perfectly fine" to be alone...

I said the same in my first entry, you can only help if the guy wants to be helped....

 

[Mr.Rob]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink... however sometimes if the horse is around water long enough it eventually will drink.. and sometimes it will not drink and die.

its one of the toughest things watching a loved one suffer but when they refuse to take responsibility for thier situation there's not much more you can do... good luck

 

[metomeya]

I don't see it as manipulation. The guy is depressed, he needs help, and normal talk doesn't help because he thinks he is smarter than others. You don't really gain anything by helping him. There are of course different ways to help him, but I doubt he will go to see therapist. He is too smart for that and he is "perfectly fine" to be alone...

I said the same in my first entry, you can only help if the guy wants to be helped....

Don't you see a bit of a disconnect between what you are saying?

Even if you don't see it as manipulation, which I do, you then say you can only help if the guy wants to be helped then why would you bother with such tactics if it doesn't really matter anyways?

You say normal talk doesn't work because he thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Well if he is smarter, then he would see his ways as wrong when you talk to him directly and use logic. Or if he isn't smarter than everyone else, then being direct and logical would be the only way to bring him up to speed. Giving him a story that is similar to his probably wouldn't work because most likely he can't make the connection or assume his situation is different.

If he is "perfectly fine to be alone," then that just goes back to my point. Let him figure out life for himself, but just be there for him when he needs you.
I don't know why you say "I doubt he will go to see a therapist." Most therapists are junk. I did say you should listen to him like a therapist would, which I still stand by.

 

[daviddreamer]

Thank you for your responses fellas.

I live in a different country because I am US military and stationed somewhere else. My younger brother lives back in our hometown. He works two jobs and does full-time school online. He is studying psychology.

As of late though all I have been doing is just actively listening to him and hearing him out. It is why I said empathy was pretty effective. I was sort of in the same boat with my younger brother many years ago.

I have tried direct talk before and using reasoning but like someone in this thread mentioned he just tends to out logic whatever I am saying. It is something I learned about my younger brother as of late - he is quite smarter then me and I'm not afraid to admit that. I won't even attempt that. I tried that once (what DRCK suggested) and he caught it real early and I was destroyed in conversation lol. So I concluded I'm not good at that anyway I'm a pretty straightforward fella when it comes to speaking. Maybe I'm not terrible at it but my younger brother I'm telling you is very quick in the head.

I'll try my best to just play the listener role it is all I can do. Active listening and empathy seems to be key with my younger brother...it gets him talking and hes not on the defensive. My straightforward direct talk (I tried the tough love thing for a while) did not work at ALL for me. Usually just backfired and put him on the defensive. and it took a couple of conversations for him to open up again...

He is well aware his current mind state is irrational in itself. So he gets himself into a lot of deep thought, he told me, when he is experiencing a lot of anxiety around people. He is also found that taking in a lot of caffeine actually helps calm him down (which is conflicting in its own right usually caffeine makes people more anxious...but I guess people have different effects to different things) One of the things he has done is move to night shift at work to avoid people. I'm guessing his way of combating this issue is avoidance.

Oh and last. He told me he does not talk to me out of a social need....whatever that means? So I asked him why do you talk to me then. And his response was that its nice to "interact with another human being without going into fight or flight mode". I put this in quotes because this is how he speaks fellas...Shelton from Big Bang theory lol we both talk about this together.

 

[Drck]

Ok, well, you can't probably do much. He is like a hero now, he knows everything better than anyone else, he will argue with you just for the sake of argument, just to win and proof that he knows better. My guess is, he will submerge himself into the depths of psychology, figures out what is best for him, and then he'll do what he wants to do anyway. He'd rather suffer than accepts anyone else's help.

All you can do is probably just keep showing empathy. Hey, are you still feeling down or do you feel better now? How is your anxiety, is getting better now? Just show concern and support, that you care, that you are there if he needs, he can't much argue with that... No arguments, no negativity, no judgements... Hope it helps...

 

[daviddreamer]

Ok, well, you can't probably do much. He is like a hero now, he knows everything better than anyone else, he will argue with you just for the sake of argument, just to win and proof that he knows better. My guess is, he will submerge himself into the depths of psychology, figures out what is best for him, and then he'll do what he wants to do anyway. He'd rather suffer than accepts anyone else's help.

All you can do is probably just keep showing empathy. Hey, are you still feeling down or do you feel better now? How is your anxiety, is getting better now? Just show concern and support, that you care, that you are there if he needs, he can't much argue with that... No arguments, no negativity, no judgements... Hope it helps...

DRCK,

Thanks for your response. You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Its exactly how I feel especially with our last conversation. He'd rather just argue for the sake of arguing and its like I'm just spinning my wheels and getting no where. Its been like that for a while. What I bolded what pretty much exactly what hes been doing.

I pretty much decided what you said in your second paragraph to just keep listening. I'll wait for a while until he brings up something to me I think it would be my best option.....