Im reading posts by chaste and its alot to digest. Anyway I am 35 with depression issues due to losing my virginity at 28. I get alot of invitations from girls given my looks but they loose interest very quick cause they want me for sex. Getting your game from not getting a date to getting laid is brutal. I had a nice job, apartment, but friends and girls were never there. So how does one get confidence from? Im practicing Tolle, Deida, Kundalini Yoga on a daily basis. I have stopped approaching girls cause they are asking me something which I cannot deliver. I feel it but I dont know how to act on it. Women want a guy to lead and they will test you everyway. This cycle is brutal and has been going on for a while now I think of it since I started reading here a week ago. How does on keep going with low self esteem issues? Money, Job doesnt give me confidence. Getting women gets me confidence but that is not working. Dont have any passion or hobbies. Just want a boring life, boring job, boring girl but I cant even get a fatty.. Help??
How do u get confidence in the midst of depression and rejection at 35
- Thread starter ajx032
- Start date
Agreed with radeng with the exception that you do need to see a psychiatrist, especially if you are suicidal. You don't play with that, you don't look for help online but you go directly to his or her office/hospital.
Other than that, try to change your life around, take it easier, relax. Get a hobby, do something what you like. You can't be dependent on women, you can't base your happiness on how many girls you get, women simply feel it and they don't like it.
Women do want a guy that is leading. A guy who makes decisions, e.g. where to go for a date. They can't make much decisions themselves, and if they can they don't want to do it (unless they are feminists), thus they love guys who can do it. Learn to be leading on dates, learn to be leading the girl(s) to the bed. Don't leave it up to her.
Learn to be independent of women. If you approach a girl and get rejected, smile, shrug your shoulders - and move on. Who cares? Don't get your mood get down just because some girls don't want to go for dates with you.
Know that women won't make you happy. Never. Women are emotional, their moods are all over the place. They can change their emotions within minutes. Guys can't do that, we don't have built brains for that. You have to separate yourself from their emotions.
Confidence is a feeling. It can be dependent on something (e.g. you win some competition for which you practice long time, you step up in front of a big crowd of people and give important speech,...) or it could be independent (you just feel really confident). The Independent confidence is better, however it is much more difficult to achieve it because it is not based on anything. So learn the dependent confidence first.
IMO the best way is if a guy joins fitness and starts lifting weights. There are MANY great reasons to it: he gets healthier and stronger which will make him feel greater about himself, his self-esteem raises. He gets his hormones, testosterone and adrenaline pumping, which makes him feel better, stronger, more attractive. He learns discipline, he has to decide to go to Fitness 3 days a week, week after week, and keeps himself doing that, so he in essence learns to be leader - he decides every day, he commands every day and he does it. Fitness can actually help you with depression as well, even if indirectly - you'll get more oxygen in your brain, you get your mind off of things, you have different goals and priorities...
Say you start with bench with 60 pounds. That is great, next week he does 62 pounds, next time he does 64 and so on. Keep your track, and connect your numbers to confidence. Say your initial level is 60. Next time it is 62 or so, so let it grow. Be smart, start with LOW weights, start with not even half of your max, and simply let it grow, day after day, week after week. In no time you will raise your confidence 3-4 times higher... Do of course different exercises, squats, dead lifts, overhead, pull ups,...
Each time you basically beat your past performance - you learn to be winner, and you learns to feel great about it, which will develop a winner attitude. Your fitness will become more important than girls. Fitness will be your #1 or #2, whereas girls only #3 or #4 on the list. That is great because girls DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR #1, they hate it (despite what they say). For the same reason, you will become more independent from girls, more secure and less needy. All of these are BIG, they generate huge attraction...
So learn to exercise your body and your MIND as well, don't just "lift weights" for muscles like every other meat head there. Let them lift weights, but you practice much more than just weights. You practice independence, winner attitude, discipline, great feelings, self-esteem and confidence... You train your MIND, not just your body...
Once you know how to do that, women can test you left and right - who cares? Let them test. You are always the same, you do always the same regardless what women do and what test they chose. You are stable and strong. You are always leader, winner, confident guy with high self esteem, a guy who is not dependent on what women think, say, test or do... They are always just silly/cute/sexy and not so important girls on your 3rd or 4th place...
Other than that, try to change your life around, take it easier, relax. Get a hobby, do something what you like. You can't be dependent on women, you can't base your happiness on how many girls you get, women simply feel it and they don't like it.
Women do want a guy that is leading. A guy who makes decisions, e.g. where to go for a date. They can't make much decisions themselves, and if they can they don't want to do it (unless they are feminists), thus they love guys who can do it. Learn to be leading on dates, learn to be leading the girl(s) to the bed. Don't leave it up to her.
Learn to be independent of women. If you approach a girl and get rejected, smile, shrug your shoulders - and move on. Who cares? Don't get your mood get down just because some girls don't want to go for dates with you.
Know that women won't make you happy. Never. Women are emotional, their moods are all over the place. They can change their emotions within minutes. Guys can't do that, we don't have built brains for that. You have to separate yourself from their emotions.
Confidence is a feeling. It can be dependent on something (e.g. you win some competition for which you practice long time, you step up in front of a big crowd of people and give important speech,...) or it could be independent (you just feel really confident). The Independent confidence is better, however it is much more difficult to achieve it because it is not based on anything. So learn the dependent confidence first.
IMO the best way is if a guy joins fitness and starts lifting weights. There are MANY great reasons to it: he gets healthier and stronger which will make him feel greater about himself, his self-esteem raises. He gets his hormones, testosterone and adrenaline pumping, which makes him feel better, stronger, more attractive. He learns discipline, he has to decide to go to Fitness 3 days a week, week after week, and keeps himself doing that, so he in essence learns to be leader - he decides every day, he commands every day and he does it. Fitness can actually help you with depression as well, even if indirectly - you'll get more oxygen in your brain, you get your mind off of things, you have different goals and priorities...
Say you start with bench with 60 pounds. That is great, next week he does 62 pounds, next time he does 64 and so on. Keep your track, and connect your numbers to confidence. Say your initial level is 60. Next time it is 62 or so, so let it grow. Be smart, start with LOW weights, start with not even half of your max, and simply let it grow, day after day, week after week. In no time you will raise your confidence 3-4 times higher... Do of course different exercises, squats, dead lifts, overhead, pull ups,...
Each time you basically beat your past performance - you learn to be winner, and you learns to feel great about it, which will develop a winner attitude. Your fitness will become more important than girls. Fitness will be your #1 or #2, whereas girls only #3 or #4 on the list. That is great because girls DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR #1, they hate it (despite what they say). For the same reason, you will become more independent from girls, more secure and less needy. All of these are BIG, they generate huge attraction...
So learn to exercise your body and your MIND as well, don't just "lift weights" for muscles like every other meat head there. Let them lift weights, but you practice much more than just weights. You practice independence, winner attitude, discipline, great feelings, self-esteem and confidence... You train your MIND, not just your body...
Once you know how to do that, women can test you left and right - who cares? Let them test. You are always the same, you do always the same regardless what women do and what test they chose. You are stable and strong. You are always leader, winner, confident guy with high self esteem, a guy who is not dependent on what women think, say, test or do... They are always just silly/cute/sexy and not so important girls on your 3rd or 4th place...
I respect that. I just have this fear that I will never get laid again. Ive been going out since 25. Started with the game from Masf forum to Ross Jeffries to David Deangelo to Neil Strauss to MM to Zan Perrion to RSD to David Deida. Everyone is getting laid but me. Women assume I get pussy and put up more tests for me. I even told women I didnt lose my virginity till 28 and I am not experience in dating but they still test. I just wish this part of my life was solved so I can focus on other things. I had a nice job, nice apt but no girls. So money didnt help me get laid. Women say girls are easy nowadays but when I argue with them, they dont believe me. I just cant get out of this trap. The expectations women have from me are so high that if I miss one little thing. Im not getting the number. I just have a fear of approaching even if she is giving me the look to take her cause it never works out. Doing anthony robbins, to eckhart tolle to dale carnegie to motivational videos are not helping with girls at all. I am missing something which is I am not masculine and I dont know how to be masculine. Watching western movies to living with guys who get girls made no difference to me. I just dont see the answer. Its a puzzle which I just cant figure out. I really dont know how to get laid. I approached a girl this weekend and asked her lets dance but she said no. Tried online dating but the rejection is brutal. Had a girl 23 give me her number straight out, talked with her for a lil bit about nothing and than when I text her again, she lost interest. This 23 year old girl is not even good looking, lives with her mom, didnt go to college, while I have moved around, traveled, got my masters, had a career but she still rejected me. Just like that.
I snapped on not getting girls and left everything in the city, left my job, left my furniture, security deposit and moved back to my parents house. She tried to get in touch with me but my depression was crippling. I just couldnt deal with women rejecting me. Its gotten worse to the point where I started practicing kundalini yoga and had panic attacks. See I had a job, nice career, money, car, nice place to live but still rejection from women. I just didnt see and dont see of working since that didnt get me girls. Im a simple guy who wanted a few friends in school, girlfriend in college, marriage, kids, jobs. Thats what society promised me. But that is not what happened. I am lost now and this world is too much. Its like im in fight club where my great depression is my life. Everyone is getting laid, getting married, but I am the reject by society who they cant relate with.
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2014
- Messages
- 1,982
If you think about this sentence it does not really make sense. You're depressed about something that happened 7 years ago and which would normally be regarded as a positive event?
Look, I am not dumping on you, I get that you're not feeling so great, but my point is that if you wanna improve you are going to have to be a lot more objective about what your problems are and how to solve them. Wallowing in self pity (I've had such a hard life, etc) is counter productive and that's what I get from the above quote, and the thread overall.
I can somewhat relate since I did not get laid from about age 24 to 30 and yeah I probably was depressed too. That's a long time to spend being lonely and watching others score with women, and no doubt it's worse if you're a virgin which I suppose is socially unacceptable these days. Luckily, that is no longer your situation, so that's one less thing to worry about.
Anyway man, we were all terrible with women at some stage and that's why we are here. So don't sweat it. Aside from bumbling into some unsatisfactory LTRs and an unsatisfactory marriage, kind of by accident, I never really had much success with women till I was 38 and started putting GC into practice. You're 35, you will have 3 extra years of getting laid regularly, compared with me, if you start now. And, I'm very satisfied with my life so you can be too
And, you know what, I still suck with women, but at least I can laugh about it. The main thing is to be happy in yourself, to know you're doing your best and you're on a trajectory of improvement. For example, check the competition we had in May (FRs board), I spoke to well over 120 women, got 6 or 7 numbers, convinced 3 or 4 of them to spend time with me (mainly a 20min coffee but in one case a meal lasting a few hours)... and didn't get laid! But do I focus on the negatives? Nope! I am just happy that I tried to make something hapen, and gained a few reference points. I controlled what Icould control and accepted the rest. You can do that too.
Let's see you start a journal, tackle the newbie assignment and go talk to some women. It may take a few years of grinding, but the good news is, it becomes fun very quickly.
Finally, your depression (an internal factor) isn't caused by your not having sex or good reactions from women (an external factor). It's either the other way around, or both are linked to a third factor (your feelings of shame and unworthiness and consequent negative self-talk). Go read "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw.
I don't care whether you follow this and others' advice or not. But for an example of constant negativity plus failure to take any action and consequent failure to improve and continued negativity, see Altair's posts. He was better for a short time but now seems to have fallen back to complaining, judging by this post. Reading those might give you a perspective on how your current attitude/situation looks from outside.
Ray
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2015
- Messages
- 89
"Dude the last guest I had on my podcast was like 38 and he looks like he's still in his 20's. He made a great point how easier it is for a man to improve this part of their lives late in the game... unlike women. There's a lot of perks to being a man."
I got that from a Dating Coach, who said he has known and worked with guys over 30 who are still a virgin, and I felt he made a valid point right there, but at the same time, women are far less prone than men are to being late bloomers in the dating game since they are valued for their youth more.
I got that from a Dating Coach, who said he has known and worked with guys over 30 who are still a virgin, and I felt he made a valid point right there, but at the same time, women are far less prone than men are to being late bloomers in the dating game since they are valued for their youth more.
