How do you find the right balance between aloofness and warmth?

[jdoc]

I've been reading GC religiously for about a year now, and I've come across articles revolving around the idea of being unpredictable, elusive, mysterious and aloof - so as to keep the girl guessing and chasing. I've also come across articles encompassing the benefits of being genuine, warm, vulnerable and relatable - so as to disarm the girl, and generate trust and rapport.

I find this topic extremely interesting, and I've been having some trouble finding the balance between detachment and warmth within my connections with women. Obviously coolness and warmth have their usefulness and utility in their own regard... but how do you find the right balance between the two?

On a date, should I lean more towards the air of a cool, mysterious man who women try to figure out? Or should I lean towards that of a warm, relatable man who disarms women and removes their inhibitions and barriers?

Would love to hear your thoughts on this!

- J

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

jdoc,

It is possible to do both on the same date but you have to have experience. Practice is the best way to learn how to do which and in what situation. With practice you will learn how to pull the girl into your frame.

BDSC

 

[Zoro]

A good way to strike this balance is to maintain your skepticism and curiosity about the girl.

Honestly if you just met her, you should still be deciding if she's cool enough for her. That's where the aloofness comes in, and the warmth is from the willingness to explore her personality in a curious genuine way.

 

[Lotus]

Just ran into this gem in an article on "making her fall in love" thought it would apply well here.

whatever emotions she shows, you reflect them back at her. If she seems disinterested, you withdraw as well. If she comes toward you, feel free to do the same.

But yeah I would start on the aloof end as J Wick says, and make her earn your warmth. It's a push-pull where if you give her too much warmth without proper payment you lose value in her eyes, but too far on the aloof end and she auto-rejects. The key thing is calibration and understanding her emotions, which obviously comes with practice.

 

[Bboy100]

I'm guessing you're relatively new to actually doing approaches/going on dates. If so, unless your part of the 10% guys who are naturally assholes, every instinct you have is going to tell you to be too warm, too nice, too friendly. Because you feel like anything less will scare her away. Truthfully, you're not yet socially calibrated enough to understand what being "too aloof" is really like. When you behave what you believe to be "too distant" you're actually probably doing the right thing.

Once you get more dates, and your overall level of neediness genuinely falls to attractive levels, this might become a real concern for you. But ironically enough, once that happens, you'll have enough experience to figure out how to handle the situation on your own. So what I'm saying is that for now, just err on being as mysterious as you can. Because anything else will probably come off as too easy for her.

Also, take a look at Chase's ebook's chapter on attainability. If you pay close attention, you'll find that its the same concept as what you're asking about. Just put into different words/terminology.

 

[Smith]

On a date, should I lean more towards the air of a cool, mysterious man who women try to figure out? Or should I lean towards that of a warm, relatable man who disarms women and removes their inhibitions and barriers?

Don't overthink this. It just gets you inside your head. Be congruent and present to the moment. Come from the right frame of mind, then stop thinking about it during an interaction.
Read this recent article on how to be a natural flirt https://www.girlschase.com/content/ease-your-skin-key-being-great-natural-flirt
If you're using "aloofness" or "being warm" as a technique, it will often fall flat, because you're "acting". My suggestion would be to get inside your body on a date and feel yourself getting aroused by her presence, and become an "uninhibited man" as the article says. Feel comfortable being aroused by her.

I think Richard also post something on someone's journal here and it struck a chord with me.

The majority of my time, recently, has been spent reading books. A lot of them recommended to me by a mutual friend of ours, and they have been metaphysical, philosophical, etc. and there's something I picked up in these books that's helped me in my life immediately.

You're far too invested in the process instead of the target. The book uses the analogy of a golf swing where you think that, in order to hit your target location on the field, you need to go through your mental checklist:
-Are your feet properly spaced?
-Is your grip perfect?
-Don't forget to shift your weight through the swing.

and so much more. Basically, you feel that in order to hit your target you need to muscle your way to it and control every variable to hit your target. This applies to everything and it's a bullshit idea that people have blindly bought into. The easiest way to hit your target is to focus on it and let yourself naturally get there.

So, if we take that back to the golf swing; instead of focusing on what it takes to hit a clean shot, you focus on the target area and the rest falls into place and you naturally create a clean shot.

The same is true in pool (which I am very conscious of and have been for a while). When you have a target in mind, you're natural ability takes over and finds a way to get you there.

and most importantly, for you, the same is true for pick-up my friend. I know what kinds of mental obstacles you've struggled with for a while and they stem from a core-belief you have about yourself that extends into your pick-up and social life. Deep down, you're afraid of something in the social arts - whether that be failure, embarrassment (which is my case), fear of not measuring up to where you want to be, whatever the case is, and when you are afraid of something, you fall back into your mental checklist of trying to muscle your way to your target.

So, because you're afraid of something socially you try to control every variable when you talk to a girl and you lose the part of yourself that intuitively knows what to do and your interactions become much more forced and that's why they don't feel like fun to you. The first thing you need to do is understand what it is you're afraid of and accept it as a part of who you are right now; only after that can you focus on your target and let yourself take over.

So how do you find the right balance between aloofness and warmth? You do that by coming from the frame of "is she as cool as she appears to be?" When you're coming from this frame, you'll find yourself doing "push-pull" and challenge her naturally. The funny thing is you actually know when to be aloof and when to be warm, but it's only when you become "needy" and desperate for an outcome, you start to doubt yourself and you end up over-compensating in either direction, e.g. too aloof or too warm. It will come across as unnatural and a little "off".

If you're just starting out, a good general rule of thumb is to calibrate your warmth according to her investment. If she's investing a lot, start relating more and touch her more. If she's pulling away, then step back a little, because you're okay with yourself, you don't need her validation. Your general overall mindset is "don't chase people who don't want to be in your life, or who's not going to invest in you as much as you invest in them." Sure, in the initial stage of a seduction, you may need to persist a little more to get her out on a date because she doesn't know you that well yet, but usually she should start to invest just as much as you or more than you the more you get to know each other.

 

[Franco]

jdoc,

There's already some pretty good answers here from the fellas above you.

In general, "aloofness" and "warmth" are not mutually exclusive. You can be aloof while still being warm with a girl. The best example of this is when you take a long time to reply to a girl's text, but when you do, it's a warm text that could have just as easily been sent immediately after her last text to you.

On dates, being "aloof" isn't quite as applicable. You can be "mysterious" in that you seem to be a man who has a deep past that she wants to get to know more about, but when we talk about being "aloof" on this website, we're generally referring to not being in contact with the women you want to date while you're not together in person. Leave most of the "chatter" for the date itself.

- Franco

 

[jdoc]

Great stuff guys! I think this ties into rewarding investing, and backing off a bit when a gal acts out of line.

It seems that most of the time it's best to focus on being genuine and warm when exploring her personality. I think one of my problems these days in acting a little bit too far in the aloof end of the spectrum, which might cause a girl to auto-reject, especially during night time seduction. I think a mix of mysteriousness and curious warmth expressing genuine is the correct way to go - what do you guys think?

If you're using "aloofness" or "being warm" as a technique, it will often fall flat, because you're "acting". My suggestion would be to get inside your body on a date and feel yourself getting aroused by her presence, and become an "uninhibited man" as the article says. Feel comfortable being aroused by her.

Great article suggestion! I do think that at times I act a little bit too uninhibited - something I'm working on.

Thanks for the heads up guys!