FU How many chances do I need?

[Verisimilitude]

Ok so I went out today with my friends, excited and ready to meet new girls. We went to a place and there were plenty of girls (a sorority party) and not a ton of guys. I was just saying hi to friends I knew and using that to create indirect value. In that time, there were at least three attractive girls looking at me. But they were all in groups and dancing and I wasn't sure what to say w/o being creepy. One girl (who was gorgeous) even gave me an inviting look twice and while I made eye contact, I didn't approach (I was really nervous). I knew it was approach anxiety, but I made up an excuse and left. By the time I came back, all three girls were gone. I was obviously really upset. Later, I was playing pong with a friend and a girl was right behind me looking bored. So I brought her into the game, but she never really seemed into me and the conversation died. Later in the day, the girl who I had seen before came back, but was with her friend the whole time and I had no idea how to approach her. So there was some eye contact but nothing else and she left.

This has been my biggest challenge. I know what's wrong, but I have no idea to get over it. My stomach tenses up and my mind goes blank.

Later on the way back to my room, I met girls who were there earlier. They weren't attractive, but I was feeling upset and I wanted to talk to someone. When I said I was at the party, one said they remembered me from it even though I never said hi to them. I said "Well I have one of those memorable faces" and they all smiled. I told them I'd see them around.

It is so frustrating because I knew every girl at that party would've loved for me to talk to them and I could have easily taken them to bed. But I didn't and wasted it. But this is why I'm doing this, hopefully I can work through this.

 

[Ross]

I was just saying hi to friends I knew and using that to create indirect value.

I'm assuming this is pre-selection. But this isn't exactly why pre-selection works so well - sure you can know girls and acknowledge them, but I personally believe that you need the following for pre-selection to work.

1.) Other women to be looking at you. This happens most often when you first enter a certain venue, as women looking for men are going to be evaluating each man that walks through the door, just as you may be doing for women. They have to be looking to know you are doing anything, and this is why grabbing attention is important for pre-selection to work nicely. Usually just being a good looking man will take care of this, but fashion sense and pre-selection can help if you are just starting out and not as genetically gifted as others.

2.) The person needs to receive you warmly. A warm interaction helps with them. But if the interaction doesn't last long enough for the women keeping an eye on you to notice that it is more than a simple hello and being friendly, it turns into her acknowledging; okay, he has friends that are women. This wipes away the creep message you might have, but it advances no sexual desire as she isn't really into you - she's merely being nice and saying hi. This is why good interactions with women that just don't logistically line-up with will often end with a follow up of another woman. We can even start talking about you not advancing things logistically and using this as a technique to get better looking women.

As long as you have those, you're golden. Giving a little sexual/playful frame with your friends and having them playfully hit you would be more effective than saying "hi!"

One girl (who was gorgeous) even gave me an inviting look twice and while I made eye contact, I didn't approach (I was really nervous).

You know what to do here. Motion her over to you. She's just another girl.

It is so frustrating because I knew every girl at that party would've loved for me to talk to them and I could have easily taken them to bed. But I didn't and wasted it. But this is why I'm doing this, hopefully I can work through this.

You may be experiencing some faux-confidence here and being really hard on yourself. A recent article that Chase wrote on confidence was certainly an eye-opener for me. I'd notice that I'd unrealistically expect that I could do anything, and then I'd get pissed off at myself when things didn't pan out or I screwed up, which would mess up my psych for a while. Powerful men don't get shaken up by failures and mistakes, they move past them.

 

[Verisimilitude]

Yeah I meant pre-selection. And I did have both of them (there weren't that many guys there so I got looked at by default, and they did receive me warmly)

You know what to do here.

I do. I even thought "I should motion her over" But as dumb as it sounds, my brain and body don't connect.

The faux-confidence thing was partly true as well. When you go somewhere and you get the feeling that girls want you (even if its only b/c you're one of the six guys to fifty girls there) it's hard not to be confident.

I would love to move past it, but it is tough because this happens a lot. I get myself all excited to go out and then when I get a chance, it falls through.

 

[Ross]

Yeah I meant pre-selection. And I did have both of them (there weren't that many guys there so I got looked at by default, and they did receive me warmly)

Another thing that might have been against you in this situation is the fact that they were all in a social circle. Having one of them leave with you that wasn't one of the "top dogs" would not be good for that girl's status, so she probably wouldn't do it. It's not an absolute, but could work against you.

I experienced a lot of what you did around a year ago. I would feel great about the prospect of going out, "Oh boy! I get to finally use all these techniques I've learned, I wonder what model I'm going to pick up this time!"

I'd get to the point where I'd actually get into interactions with maybe one girl, but most of the time I'd keep saying, "yeah, I can get these women, I just don't feel like it." So my confidence was obviously fake and built up quickly, and just as easily torn down.

Something that helped me get past this was to stop focusing on all that jazz and just do something. Instead of thinking "I'm so pumped and going to pick up any woman that I want", I'd simply be relaxed about the whole thing. I would think, "Time to go out and work on this and hopefully take a beauty home." It's the shocking reality that you really can't get any woman you want (especially at first) that jolted me back into reality. As a result, I wouldn't get extremely frustrated at the end of interactions, and I could do more in a night (these weren't at bars, however, more like college hanging out situations, but the same logic applies).

 

[Verisimilitude]

I think that is part of it. I hype myself out. It just makes me angry that I blew it.

Any advice for getting over my the approach anxiety?

 

[Whizzy]

Approach more and more girls and just try not to over think things too much. If you need to try thinking about something less intimidating while still giving them your focus

 

[Rasta]

I think that is part of it. I hype myself out. It just makes me angry that I blew it.

Any advice for getting over my the approach anxiety?

Make small goals. Baby steps, if you will.

I recommend you check out the newbie assignment, and actually do it. Chase did a great job setting it up, as it will build confidence and get rid of approach anxiety.

Nobody says you have to start out approaching hot girls. You can start out by just saying hi, or just a nice smile. Then progress by asking if they are single, or even just what time it is. The whole point is to make progress. So each time you go out, do something more than the previous day.

Progress = Happiness

^That holds true for anything in life

 

[Verisimilitude]

Thanks Rasta. As I thought about it, I was pleased that I could pick up on girls looking at me and eye contact. I have been doing the newbie assignment and I've gotten up to indirect direct (I haven't put them all up) and I'm hoping that could help me since it kinda requires me to approach girls.

As for goals, my goals that day were:
1. take my process as far as it can go for one girl (which I did, but I didn't get as far as I'd like)
2. Build an emotional connection (I didn't do this)
3. Use a chase frame/sexual humor (I didn't do this either)

I'd like your guys input on these goals, because I probably will use them the next time I go out.

 

[Addicted2height]

An important lesson i learnt from "The Game" is the 3 second rule
This basically says if you see an attractive girl you have 3 seconds to make you move.

Just walk up and say hi!

With me i have approach anxiety right up until I start talking to them and it all goes away

The longer you spend thinking about it the less likely it is you'll move

 

[Rasta]

Thanks Rasta. As I thought about it, I was pleased that I could pick up on girls looking at me and eye contact. I have been doing the newbie assignment and I've gotten up to indirect direct (I haven't put them all up) and I'm hoping that could help me since it kinda requires me to approach girls.

As for goals, my goals that day were:
1. take my process as far as it can go for one girl (which I did, but I didn't get as far as I'd like)
2. Build an emotional connection (I didn't do this)
3. Use a chase frame/sexual humor (I didn't do this either)

I'd like your guys input on these goals, because I probably will use them the next time I go out.

Hey cccrunner,

Those are some decent goals, but they're not going to get you anywhere unless you can approach girls. If I were you, I'd step back a little bit and focus on getting rid of this barrier. Once you get rid of that barrier, you can focus on building an emotional connection and using chase frames.

Example of some goals that may help with this, taken from the newbie assignment:
1. Make eye contact with 10 girls
Once you've accomplished this, move on to the next goal
2. Say hi to 10 girls.
3. Ask 10 girls if they are single

Keep adding goals until you are no longer freezing before approaching. You don't have to worry about making any connections at first, just a simple "hi, are you single?" is all you need to start with.

Think about it...what harm can possibly come to you by saying hi to someone?

 

[stratvm]

i`m with a hot girl now - kind of trophy lady so while i do think getting to this stage required gc.com material it`s not the usual situation. i can tell you that these girls are flirting, smiling like crazy when going out, getting approached by so many guys i gave up counting and at the end of the night they just go back to their provider and enjoy life. they probably take their chances if they meet really hot guys or experienced seducers but that happens to everyone.

smiles/inviting looks & stuff mean nothing even if you are a hot guy. they are using men because they can help them out but unless they are interested, like 1 out of 1000 its just not going to happen. so my 2 cents is if you have approach anxiety dont be angry with yourself/sad, inviting looks from a beautiful girl is nothing serious.

 

[Verisimilitude]

I appreciate the support everyone, this community is awesome.

Tonight my goals are

approach 5 new girls

use banter with 3 girls

make sure my voice is sexy

I'll let you guys know how it goes

 

[Whizzy]

Good luck man!