How should I handle this situation?

[mrubin]

Hello,

My girlfriend from 5 and a half years told me last saturday that she did not want to be with me anymore, after the moment of shock I ask her the reasons and she said that I was too sedentary and I did not socialize with people and she is fed up. I asked her a few times if it was because she meet someone, and said NO WAY. also asked her that if it was possible to change her mind if I would change and when she said NO, I knew it was a lost cause. I could not move from house because I did not have anywhere to go and we have 2 dogs, but she had planned, as every year, to go to Germany to visit her family for 2 weeks, so I do have to look after them. Life carried on, I assumed that it was over and although I did not want to talk to her ever after once she leaves on holidays, I want to end the relationship in a good manner. So she told me that she wanted it to have some nice food and spend the last night as good as it can possible be in this kind of situation. She told me that she was going to be home at 19:30 from work because was going to have coffee with a girlfriend from work. Well, here is where it all started to go to hell, she turned up at 20:30pm and I do not know why i Freaked out! I asked her if she was seeing someone, she said time after time No and no! until I said that I think I deserve the Truth because, I will not take revenge and will not leave the dogs no matter what and that I have always been kind and truthful to her. She said: "Do you really want to know the truth?, well there is somebody that I like, this does not mean that I had sex or anything, but I think I like him, maybe it is a rebound to try to forget you, I don't know".
That was a bomb for me, I said a few hurtful things to her, like she was a really bad person and I did not deserved that and few more things. After the moment of shock (stupid me for asking, I did not know what on earth I was thinking about it!) I thought well, that's it, I gonna carry on with my life. Later in the night told her: " once we go to bed (I sleep in the couch), I am going to leave early in the morning (went to have a nice healthy breakfast for myself and then to the Gym for 1.5 hours) and I will be back once you are gone and also I will not take any calls from you or text messages, you can do it but I will not reply. You know that the dogs are going to be fine with me (I love them deeply) and I will leave the house in the morning before you come back from Germany. You can text me, "I am here" once you are with the dogs." She started crying like hell and told me: "please do not do this to me" I said:"Sorry, but that is the way is going to be, that does not mean that I hate you, we spent really nice moments together, but I need to carry on with my life". This morning she got up really early to try to force the situation again and as soon as she got up and asked me how I was Gave her a hug and said I wish you all the best and good luck. She started again crying and told me please don't do this. But then again I said sorry, but I am not going to change my mind.After a moment she told that if I ever needed someone to talk or come and see the dogs or spend some time, to call her. I said thank you, good luck, all the best and left the house. Came back later on when she was gone

I know it is over and I want to carry on with my life, but I am thinking of her with somebody else all the time. How can I overcome this situation? What can I do to try not to think about it.

PD: I am very sorry about my English, as you can see it is not my mother tongue, but I hope that you could understand me.

Thanks for everything and have a great weekend!

 

[ray_zorse]

Um. Welcome to the boards! Firstly I have to say that this kind of situation comes up a lot especially with first-time posters. I didn't really have to read past the first few lines to get an idea what you're asking. What is taught here is abundance and having lots of options with women. So before I delve into your post, the answer is almost certainly, cut contact and go meet more women. Now let's break it down in a bit more detail.

My girlfriend from 5 and a half years

You've been together 5 and a half years, what were your long-term intentions about this relationship? Did you actually have a plan? Remember that for women the clock is ticking very fast... she met you when she was 20... now she's 25... she's thinking of having a baby at around 30... so she might need another 5 years to find the right guy, if you're not that guy... additionally, her parents, her friends, they're saying... you're with this guy... where is it going?

told me last saturday that she did not want to be with me anymore, after the moment of shock I ask her the reasons

Whatever she tells you, it will be a lie, or at best inaccurate, because women themselves don't know how their attraction system works, so when asked to explain their own behaviour they'll tend to cast around for a plausible explanation, which then "becomes the truth" in their mind. The real truth here, is that she lost sexual attraction for you (possibly some time ago). That's to say, you no longer have lover value to her.

and she said that I was too sedentary and I did not socialize with people and she is fed up.

If this is actually true and not some bullshit she's dreamed up, what she's concerned about is (a) do you give her fun times, and it sounds like you're kinda sitting at home on the couch and watching TV with her, when you could be taking her out and giving her fun experiences (b) what social status, if any, does she gain by going to events on your arm, and it sounds like none because you don't go to events with her (c) do you have other options with women, if you are meeting women regularly (just friendly/socially is enough), then your girl will feel like all girls want your dick and she's the queen bee who OWNS that dick, a very desirable situation (this is called preselection)... if she feels like nobody wants your dick then she'll start to question her decision to be with you.

Points (a) and (b) taken together equate to provider value and point (c) equates to lover value. So essentially what she means is she lost sexual attraction for you (you didn't have lover value) and you're also not a good provider or potential provider (you didn't have provider value), therefore, you are toast.

I asked her a few times if it was because she meet someone, and said NO WAY. also asked her that if it was possible to change her mind if I would change and when she said NO, I knew it was a lost cause.

This sounds very needy and beta. I don't care if you've been in the relationship 5.5 years, the correct way to handle something like this is "Okay. If you feel like you made a hasty decision you have my number", just act real calm and BE real calm, there's lots of women out there, so if she removes herself it's no biggie really. Yes, I know you're emotionally invested in her, but you have to be mentally prepared for the fact that attraction can be lost and breakups occur at any time. That's part of being a MAN. If you don't take this view, you're being needy and weak, basically A GIRL. She isn't attracted to GIRLS, only MEN. Furthermore if you change yourself or try to change yourself to suit the girl YOU ARE TOAST, she will test you frequently in this way but you must say NO.

I could not move from house because I did not have anywhere to go and we have 2 dogs, but she had planned, as every year, to go to Germany to visit her family for 2 weeks, so I do have to look after them. Life carried on, I assumed that it was over and although I did not want to talk to her ever after once she leaves on holidays, I want to end the relationship in a good manner.

Yeah, that seems reasonable. Obviously, you would want to spend the 2 weeks looking for alternative accommodation (unless she agrees to move out and you can handle the rent or mortgage yourself)... separated under one roof would be hell I am sure. About the not talking to her forever, that might be a bit extreme, unless she has done something really out of line. But this sounds like a pretty standard breakup to me. So if she's willing to remain friends that's probably a good starting point, remember YOU are pretty much indifferent to the ending of the relationship (at least that's how you want to act, ideally).

So she told me that she wanted it to have some nice food and spend the last night as good as it can possible be in this kind of situation. She told me that she was going to be home at 19:30 from work because was going to have coffee with a girlfriend from work. Well, here is where it all started to go to hell, she turned up at 20:30pm and I do not know why i Freaked out!

I had a similar kind of situation with my girlfriend the other day, not in the context of a breakup but I will explain because I think it is relevant here... so I carefully planned my day, asked her if she would like to participate, and told her she would have to be home by 1:45pm. She texts me at 1.30pm "I can't get home in time, could u pick me up from uni" I text back "fine I'm running a bit late myself" and then as I leave the apartment "leaving now I will be 5-10min". So long story short she isn't waiting for me, she wants me to wait for her... I text back "I will leave at 2pm" and then at 2:01pm I look along the street, she still isn't there and so I leave... phone then goes crazy but I ignore it. 20min later I text her "I waited as long as possible, but there's a number XXX bus from YYY street you can get"... obviously, I was quite pissed off since a hard rule is I cannot be late picking up my kids from school... but how I handled it was, I set a hard boundary that if overstepped would seriously inconvenience me... and at the point the hard boundary would be overstepped... I pulled the pin... and remained calm and in control throughout. Pretty soon she's texting me "I'm on the bus sorry sorry XXX YYY blah blah" and I'm just like "sure no problem, see you at the pool". My point in relating this anecdote is to explain that if you are calm and in control and set hard boundaries, there's never any reason to freak out at all. Why you freaked out was, you forgot you can't control her behaviour, YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR.

I asked her if she was seeing someone, she said time after time No and no! until I said that I think I deserve the Truth because, I will not take revenge and will not leave the dogs no matter what and that I have always been kind and truthful to her. She said: "Do you really want to know the truth?, well there is somebody that I like, this does not mean that I had sex or anything, but I think I like him, maybe it is a rebound to try to forget you, I don't know".

Yeah, well, I suppose it's like eavesdropping, you will only ever hurt yourself... it would have been better to leave this alone and be calm and dominant. Anyway, it doesn't matter, there are sexy guys out there and one of them might take your girl... it just means you weren't sexy enough and need to improve. No problem, all the material you need is right here on this site. You can get yourself a much better girlfriend and do things right from the beginning. Sorted!

That was a bomb for me, I said a few hurtful things to her, like she was a really bad person and I did not deserved that and few more things.

Oh, well, it's always better to remain calm and in control at all times. Luckily, this gets much easier once you've educated yourself in seduction principles. But as a general rule if you allow a woman to manipulate your emotions (outbursts, etc) you lose a lot of attraction. Always be an immovable rock to her.

After the moment of shock (stupid me for asking, I did not know what on earth I was thinking about it!) I thought well, that's it, I gonna carry on with my life. Later in the night told her: " once we go to bed (I sleep in the couch), I am going to leave early in the morning (went to have a nice healthy breakfast for myself and then to the Gym for 1.5 hours) and I will be back once you are gone and also I will not take any calls from you or text messages, you can do it but I will not reply. You know that the dogs are going to be fine with me (I love them deeply) and I will leave the house in the morning before you come back from Germany. You can text me, "I am here" once you are with the dogs." She started crying like hell and told me: "please do not do this to me" I said:"Sorry, but that is the way is going to be, that does not mean that I hate you, we spent really nice moments together, but I need to carry on with my life". This morning she got up really early to try to force the situation again and as soon as she got up and asked me how I was Gave her a hug and said I wish you all the best and good luck. She started again crying and told me please don't do this. But then again I said sorry, but I am not going to change my mind.After a moment she told that if I ever needed someone to talk or come and see the dogs or spend some time, to call her. I said thank you, good luck, all the best and left the house. Came back later on when she was gone

Well, you set hard boundaries, might have been a bit extreme (especially as there is the dogs and the house to deal with, although perhaps they were really hers and you were only hitch-hiking in which case this is probably another reason she lost attraction), but notice the change in tone, when you set a hard boundary she will turn on the waterworks and try to emotionally manipulate you, but when this fails she'll cut all that crap and treat you with more respect.

I know it is over and I want to carry on with my life, but I am thinking of her with somebody else all the time. How can I overcome this situation? What can I do to try not to think about it.

Meet more women, of course. Well, I know how you feel, I have a bit of a similar situation actually with a girl I cared about a lot, I was forced to break up with her recently due to some other events in my life, and like you, I wanted to spend time with her and talk things over and get closure, well I couldn't, and I'm still thinking about her a lot... in fact everything reminds me of her... but, shit happens, I still have another girlfriend, so that makes things MUCH easier. Anyway, I was a bit emotionally messed up, so I decided not to contact her anymore, and I think about the situation less and less as each day passes.

In your case you've been out of the game for like 5.5 years so you need to get your shit together, shape up and start socializing more and meeting more women. If you're a normal sort of guy this might be all it takes to get you out of your slump and get your life moving forward again, but it will be much better if you specifically target your current issue which is lack of a woman/women in your life. Read this post. BTW while searching out that link I saw you also posted in the Beginners board, well you should of course start with that link.

Ray

 

[mrubin]

Um. Welcome to the boards! Firstly I have to say that this kind of situation comes up a lot especially with first-time posters. I didn't really have to read past the first few lines to get an idea what you're asking. What is taught here is abundance and having lots of options with women. So before I delve into your post, the answer is almost certainly, cut contact and go meet more women. Now let's break it down in a bit more detail.

My girlfriend from 5 and a half years

You've been together 5 and a half years, what were your long-term intentions about this relationship? Did you actually have a plan? Remember that for women the clock is ticking very fast... she met you when she was 20... now she's 25... she's thinking of having a baby at around 30... so she might need another 5 years to find the right guy, if you're not that guy... additionally, her parents, her friends, they're saying... you're with this guy... where is it going?

told me last saturday that she did not want to be with me anymore, after the moment of shock I ask her the reasons

Whatever she tells you, it will be a lie, or at best inaccurate, because women themselves don't know how their attraction system works, so when asked to explain their own behaviour they'll tend to cast around for a plausible explanation, which then "becomes the truth" in their mind. The real truth here, is that she lost sexual attraction for you (possibly some time ago). That's to say, you no longer have lover value to her.

and she said that I was too sedentary and I did not socialize with people and she is fed up.

If this is actually true and not some bullshit she's dreamed up, what she's concerned about is (a) do you give her fun times, and it sounds like you're kinda sitting at home on the couch and watching TV with her, when you could be taking her out and giving her fun experiences (b) what social status, if any, does she gain by going to events on your arm, and it sounds like none because you don't go to events with her (c) do you have other options with women, if you are meeting women regularly (just friendly/socially is enough), then your girl will feel like all girls want your dick and she's the queen bee who OWNS that dick, a very desirable situation (this is called preselection)... if she feels like nobody wants your dick then she'll start to question her decision to be with you.

Points (a) and (b) taken together equate to provider value and point (c) equates to lover value. So essentially what she means is she lost sexual attraction for you (you didn't have lover value) and you're also not a good provider or potential provider (you didn't have provider value), therefore, you are toast.

I asked her a few times if it was because she meet someone, and said NO WAY. also asked her that if it was possible to change her mind if I would change and when she said NO, I knew it was a lost cause.

This sounds very needy and beta. I don't care if you've been in the relationship 5.5 years, the correct way to handle something like this is "Okay. If you feel like you made a hasty decision you have my number", just act real calm and BE real calm, there's lots of women out there, so if she removes herself it's no biggie really. Yes, I know you're emotionally invested in her, but you have to be mentally prepared for the fact that attraction can be lost and breakups occur at any time. That's part of being a MAN. If you don't take this view, you're being needy and weak, basically A GIRL. She isn't attracted to GIRLS, only MEN. Furthermore if you change yourself or try to change yourself to suit the girl YOU ARE TOAST, she will test you frequently in this way but you must say NO.

I could not move from house because I did not have anywhere to go and we have 2 dogs, but she had planned, as every year, to go to Germany to visit her family for 2 weeks, so I do have to look after them. Life carried on, I assumed that it was over and although I did not want to talk to her ever after once she leaves on holidays, I want to end the relationship in a good manner.

Yeah, that seems reasonable. Obviously, you would want to spend the 2 weeks looking for alternative accommodation (unless she agrees to move out and you can handle the rent or mortgage yourself)... separated under one roof would be hell I am sure. About the not talking to her forever, that might be a bit extreme, unless she has done something really out of line. But this sounds like a pretty standard breakup to me. So if she's willing to remain friends that's probably a good starting point, remember YOU are pretty much indifferent to the ending of the relationship (at least that's how you want to act, ideally).

So she told me that she wanted it to have some nice food and spend the last night as good as it can possible be in this kind of situation. She told me that she was going to be home at 19:30 from work because was going to have coffee with a girlfriend from work. Well, here is where it all started to go to hell, she turned up at 20:30pm and I do not know why i Freaked out!

I had a similar kind of situation with my girlfriend the other day, not in the context of a breakup but I will explain because I think it is relevant here... so I carefully planned my day, asked her if she would like to participate, and told her she would have to be home by 1:45pm. She texts me at 1.30pm "I can't get home in time, could u pick me up from uni" I text back "fine I'm running a bit late myself" and then as I leave the apartment "leaving now I will be 5-10min". So long story short she isn't waiting for me, she wants me to wait for her... I text back "I will leave at 2pm" and then at 2:01pm I look along the street, she still isn't there and so I leave... phone then goes crazy but I ignore it. 20min later I text her "I waited as long as possible, but there's a number XXX bus from YYY street you can get"... obviously, I was quite pissed off since a hard rule is I cannot be late picking up my kids from school... but how I handled it was, I set a hard boundary that if overstepped would seriously inconvenience me... and at the point the hard boundary would be overstepped... I pulled the pin... and remained calm and in control throughout. Pretty soon she's texting me "I'm on the bus sorry sorry XXX YYY blah blah" and I'm just like "sure no problem, see you at the pool". My point in relating this anecdote is to explain that if you are calm and in control and set hard boundaries, there's never any reason to freak out at all. Why you freaked out was, you forgot you can't control her behaviour, YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR.

I asked her if she was seeing someone, she said time after time No and no! until I said that I think I deserve the Truth because, I will not take revenge and will not leave the dogs no matter what and that I have always been kind and truthful to her. She said: "Do you really want to know the truth?, well there is somebody that I like, this does not mean that I had sex or anything, but I think I like him, maybe it is a rebound to try to forget you, I don't know".

Yeah, well, I suppose it's like eavesdropping, you will only ever hurt yourself... it would have been better to leave this alone and be calm and dominant. Anyway, it doesn't matter, there are sexy guys out there and one of them might take your girl... it just means you weren't sexy enough and need to improve. No problem, all the material you need is right here on this site. You can get yourself a much better girlfriend and do things right from the beginning. Sorted!

That was a bomb for me, I said a few hurtful things to her, like she was a really bad person and I did not deserved that and few more things.

Oh, well, it's always better to remain calm and in control at all times. Luckily, this gets much easier once you've educated yourself in seduction principles. But as a general rule if you allow a woman to manipulate your emotions (outbursts, etc) you lose a lot of attraction. Always be an immovable rock to her.

After the moment of shock (stupid me for asking, I did not know what on earth I was thinking about it!) I thought well, that's it, I gonna carry on with my life. Later in the night told her: " once we go to bed (I sleep in the couch), I am going to leave early in the morning (went to have a nice healthy breakfast for myself and then to the Gym for 1.5 hours) and I will be back once you are gone and also I will not take any calls from you or text messages, you can do it but I will not reply. You know that the dogs are going to be fine with me (I love them deeply) and I will leave the house in the morning before you come back from Germany. You can text me, "I am here" once you are with the dogs." She started crying like hell and told me: "please do not do this to me" I said:"Sorry, but that is the way is going to be, that does not mean that I hate you, we spent really nice moments together, but I need to carry on with my life". This morning she got up really early to try to force the situation again and as soon as she got up and asked me how I was Gave her a hug and said I wish you all the best and good luck. She started again crying and told me please don't do this. But then again I said sorry, but I am not going to change my mind.After a moment she told that if I ever needed someone to talk or come and see the dogs or spend some time, to call her. I said thank you, good luck, all the best and left the house. Came back later on when she was gone

Well, you set hard boundaries, might have been a bit extreme (especially as there is the dogs and the house to deal with, although perhaps they were really hers and you were only hitch-hiking in which case this is probably another reason she lost attraction), but notice the change in tone, when you set a hard boundary she will turn on the waterworks and try to emotionally manipulate you, but when this fails she'll cut all that crap and treat you with more respect.

I know it is over and I want to carry on with my life, but I am thinking of her with somebody else all the time. How can I overcome this situation? What can I do to try not to think about it.

Meet more women, of course. Well, I know how you feel, I have a bit of a similar situation actually with a girl I cared about a lot, I was forced to break up with her recently due to some other events in my life, and like you, I wanted to spend time with her and talk things over and get closure, well I couldn't, and I'm still thinking about her a lot... in fact everything reminds me of her... but, shit happens, I still have another girlfriend, so that makes things MUCH easier. Anyway, I was a bit emotionally messed up, so I decided not to contact her anymore, and I think about the situation less and less as each day passes.

In your case you've been out of the game for like 5.5 years so you need to get your shit together, shape up and start socializing more and meeting more women. If you're a normal sort of guy this might be all it takes to get you out of your slump and get your life moving forward again, but it will be much better if you specifically target your current issue which is lack of a woman/women in your life. Read this post. BTW while searching out that link I saw you also posted in the Beginners board, well you should of course start with that link.

Ray

Hello Ray,

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply to this post! It is really helping me process this whole situation.

I know I handled it really bad! But I certainly know now what NOT to do if this happens again in the future. We are both in our 30's (I am about to turn 32 in 2 weeks) and I really wanted it to settle down and have kids, but she seemed not so interested. Now that I look back more calm, she definitely was not the person that I wanted for my life, I even thought a couple of times a few years ago to split up but then I kind of forced myself to "be in love with her" until it became an obsession. I know I screw up and I know that I was not the perfect partner but hey, life goes on and I WILL DO everything that I can to become a more sociable creature and more of an Alpha male. I already started go to the gym every single day (since day 2 after splitting up), eat more healthy and occupy my head with books and stuff that will improve my skills (programming, this blog, how to build up charisma).

This sounds very needy and beta. I don't care if you've been in the relationship 5.5 years, the correct way to handle something like this is "Okay. If you feel like you made a hasty decision you have my number", just act real calm and BE real calm, there's lots of women out there, so if she removes herself it's no biggie really. Yes, I know you're emotionally invested in her, but you have to be mentally prepared for the fact that attraction can be lost and breakups occur at any time. That's part of being a MAN.

Thank you man, you really made me see a light here. Sometimes thought that if the moment of breaking up came, I should act calm and leave, I did not know how but I knew that was the way to act. This was not the case, instead I freaked out and made a total fool of myself. I been in few relationships in the past and I always ended them up myself because I did not love the girl anymore so I did not have to experience first hand when a girl dumps you. Lesson learned!

The most difficult part is stop thinking about her making up with somebody else. WHY the F*** I asked her if she was with somebody else? If I did not ask that I would be pissed off but carry on with my life, instead I stab myself in the heart, even my older brother told me "never ask her! you will only hurt yourself more and look week", but no, I got to go and do the opposite of what people with more experience says. Well, that already has changed and I hope that I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

Thank you again for your advice and for the link where Chase gives the newbie assignment, it has been very helpful and eye opener, I knew this was the right place to come! I hope I can contribute in the forum in the near future.

Alex