First 90 Days How should I move forward

[Alexander]

Hey all, I’m not sure how to proceed with this current girl/future relationships. It started super strong and I was alpha, she worked hard to make me happy, first to say let’s be official etc etc.

But the down fall happened once I committed 100%, I got needy and anxious after dates. Didn’t make her invest much and avoided conflict with her. I was the typical “white knight”. Last Friday she broke it off, during the break up we talked laughed and made out a bunch and she mentioned she’s gonna break down on the way home so I feel she’s really challenged with this.

I didn’t message her afterwards and she sent me a post on IG the nextnight, super brief conversation followed. We texted briefly yesterday and today she just “reacted” to a text rather than reply so that ended that.

What do I do? We discussed meeting this weekend to go for a walk and taking some space in the meanwhile but how can I flip this in the meanwhile? And how can I not “white knight” my next relationship. It’s subconscious and I hate how it affects my relationships. Went to a counselor today as well but he just gave me excersizes for anxiety rather than clarify my underlying issues.

Any help to move on/ get this one back would be banger thanks!

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@tzander dude! How to not white knight next time, learn from your mistakes. You can't become needy or anxious after dates. You know this because you've flagged it yourself as an issue so now you can make the change. Have your own thing and don't give her everything, hold this frame and you'll do better. There's lots of advice on here for maintenance that you should read up on.

She broke up with you and you talked and laughed? You released the tension, made life easy and still gave her attention? And Unless you were going for makeup sex and pushing that escalation you really shouldn't reward her by making out with her.... as if easing the tension wasn't enough, all the extra attention.... for nothing.

when a girl breaks up with you, do not react, do not relieve the tension, you want her to feel the pressure while you're calm, collected and unfazed. You need to be okay and non reactive and she'll second guess herself. You can really push this here letting her know that it's cool if that's what she wants but that you don't take girls back. Girls will second guess themselves because you look like you clearly don't care. Instantly you're no longer weak and needy.

I'll tell you for free she wasn't challenged with this. Not at all. She has you and she knows it.

There's guides on here for how to get a girl back and how to get your girlfriend back that I recommend you read. It has all the detailed steps that will help you here. Step 1 though is to meet more girls.

I don't understand why you talked to the girl after, she ended a relationship with you and still expected your attention? What's worse is you enabled this behaviour and didn't even make her qualify. She definitely has you and knows you'd take her back in an instant. Arranging to meet up at the weekend is another mistake unless you've got your shit sorted and game face on.

Don't message her, cut contact (ideally for 30 days - no contact) if she messages you about meeting up this weekend you can respond and even meet her but go in prepared. If you're not prepared your emotions will betray you and you'll fuck up. If she doesn't message you, don't message her because you will be chasing and she'll be more valuable to you than you are to her (which she thinks is the case already, and it is but you'll fix that)

To move on, meet more girls. Read the break up post by @Skills it's very relevant to you dude.

To get this girl back, read the articles mentioned above. Follow the advice above.

A lot of information to take in dude.

 

[Alexander]

Yea man I guess I fucked myself over on that one, I still have some of her stuff; can I act cold and aloof suggesting I give it to her early in hopes to reset the frame? Just act like I’m bored of the holding pattern (which I kind of am). She’s even making a full blanket for me still so I don’t doubt I’d be seeing her again afterwards.

 

[Lover]

As Flux said, don't contact her for now. The best time to reset is not right away, nor in the first few weeks or months. Let her go have her freedom for a while and you do the same. If YOU are bored with the girls you meet afterwards, then you may consider texting her again.

If she contacts you to get her stuff back, ONLY schedule when she can come pick it up. When she comes by, have it ready for her so she can easily get them and walk away. If she does some small talk, keep it brief.

And... after all that happened, would you really want that blanket??

Move on now, not later. You will hate yourself later if you do that

 

[Alexander]

The way I see it, while she’s taking her time to “think” (most likely fuck other guys let’s be real), I set the frame that I’ll just be there when she wants me to be. So I’m not building attraction by no contact because there isn’t attraction to build on, no allure, mystery, or need to qualify currently. I’m seeing a girl tonight to fuck and hang with, I gym regularly and am training for a boxing competition. Right now she has reason to reach out to me (albeit to get things back), without reaching out to her can I show her via social media she is missing an opportunity while things are still fresh? I agree that moving on is my best option and I’m trying to do that, bought the book “no more mr. nice guy”, talking to girls and exploring counseling. I just don’t want to ruin ANOTHER relationship from this.

I’m going through all those articles thanks guys! Looots of material to read, Course waiting and re-emerging a “brand new me” is most effective and I’ll probably meet someone great along the way so I won’t chase. I hate fixing burnt dinner, i agree itd be easier to start fresh and avoid burning it. But if I can plant a seed for her to chew on and think about me I can’t see how it would hurt my odds for success.

 

[Alexander]

K boys while I’m writing this she texted me “I miss you.” This was a curve ball...

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@tzander dude! Your mental model is flawed, but don't worry about it. I've read that she's just messaged you just remember to make her qualify. Read the article about when girls come back or again your emotions will betray you. Typically speaking this is a bait and I'd let her reach out again and make her chase a little more. There's a phase in relationships of self doubt and she probably ejected at this which is common.

The reason you shouldn't message her to give her her stuff back in this situation is because you're chasing. You're contacting her, again. The sub context is you're using this to get her to meet where if she wanted her stuff she has to come to you when it's suitable for you. Your time is your priority.

You're using it as an excuse such as "but it's her birthday!". Read the rules of no contact, regardless of any occasion you don't break. You message her after the 30 days to do this not before. (This can be overlooked if she contacts you, in a suitable way. Not a half attempt or bait)

The other main reason why you don't do this is it gives her space to message you like she has here. If you'd have gave her your message "I've got your stuff, we can meet when it suits you so I can give it back" you'd have shot yourself in the foot.

 

[Alexander]

Wow that’s banger advice thank you flux, you’re absolutely right I would have shot myself in the foot. Didn’t even think of the negative consequences of if I went that route. I guess she could’ve been genuine in needing to sort herself out. I’m thinking to simply reply “I miss you too.” Showing intent but also showing that I’m not going to move this forward unless she qualifies herself, usually our texts have a lot more emotion so she can tell I’m not jumping for joy with it

 

[DarkKnight]

This is brutal... forget about getting her back.

Meet more girls. You have to get at a phase where your default is "hey Im gonna meet more girls!).. just look how strong the girls frame is then ,lol.

@tzander no guy don't write shit about missing her.

 

[Lover]

The way I see it, while she’s taking her time to “think” (most likely fuck other guys let’s be real), I set the frame that I’ll just be there when she wants me to be. So I’m not building attraction by no contact because there isn’t attraction to build on, no allure, mystery, or need to qualify currently.

The mystery comes from the fact that you let go of your oneitis for her and meet new girls meanwhile she "thinks" - which you already are. Once she reaches out to you (shit, she just did), she will easily feel the difference between you implying

"I just waited around for you, I have no other girls/stuff in my life"

vs

"I am busy with other girls/my life, who are you again?"

I gym regularly and am training for a boxing competition. Right now she has reason to reach out to me (albeit to get things back), without reaching out to her can I show her via social media she is missing an opportunity while things are still fresh?

Post all you want on social media. Just be true to yourself about your intention of doing so. Right now you're coming from a place of oneitis and expecting a certain outcome by showing her what she's missing out on. Your emotions are telling you to get her back, let's be real.

I’m thinking to simply reply “I miss you too.” Showing intent but also showing that I’m not going to move this forward unless she qualifies herself, usually our texts have a lot more emotion so she can tell I’m not jumping for joy with it

The best course, imo, would actually be to wait a few days before reaching out to her again. And by then, you text her casually "hey, what up". That should imply to her that you saw her "i miss you" text, but she has to work harder for your approval

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@tzander dude! I hope you haven't sent that message and listened to @DarkKnight and @Lover

Your suggested message validates her, it eases tension and gives away your value. Personally I wouldn't respond, it's the equivalent of saying "nice weather" it's a simple ping and there's no investment. This doesn't warrant a response. If you must (as most dudes will) you either acknowledge with an emoji such as a smile or if you're cocky funny the sunglasses and undercut her without giving away your attention or you increase investment...

Increase investment?! What?? Why would I do that?

All valid questions dude!

You increase investment without qualifying to increase her investment. You do this in a social way. "Just got back from the gym/hanging with my dudes. What have you been up to?" You ignore her message, lead conversation and ask her to qualify all in one move. It ignores any bad past precedent and fast forwards you. If you do this, set boundaries. You won't text more than 3 times a day, you'll either text sporadically or only late on a night.

You will not text over weekends, you must get her to invest and qualify and this must lead to a meet up, not just texting. This meet must hold your frame and if she invests enough you escalate to make up sex. You will not get her back without this. (Unless you're really young and haven't hit this milestone with her yet then ignore this part)

 

[Alexander]

Flux man you’re right, I can’t validate her anymore. I thought I wasn’t with my reply “I miss you too” but she just reacted a “heart” and left it at that. I figured I was making her invest by not giving her much but all I did was validate and give her nothing to work with to build on. I gotta stop giving her easy outs if she pings me and lead it

 

[Alexander]

This is a classic case of back pocket mentality, big thing there is demonstration not proclamation. I considered laying out my intentions and acting as if “I don’t care” but that’s proclaiming I don’t like this. Thank you everyone for drilling into my head DO NOT FUCKING VALIDATE lmao make her invest, validate, stick by my rules of boundaries, and don’t reply until I’m in proper headspace to control the situation. Unfortunately I keep digging my hole even tho she clearly has feelings, I’m not really doing better at fixing so I ought to start doing the only thing I can. Do better at moving on

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@tzander dude... most dudes have to make these mistakes themselves before they realise so don't be too hard on yourself and learn from it.

I've recommended a lot of content to read that you should check out.

You gave her nothing to reply to which adds a lot of pressure to her and you've gave her a lot of validation and attention that she knows she has you. She's broken up with you but she still has you in orbit so she's not going to invest. She's getting everything she wants and you're acting from a position of weakness. Though you're not much worse off than you were 2 texts ago.

Read back my initial advice. Cut contact (seriously read the rules on no contact) and reset. Do not respond to pings and baits. If she messages to meet up and it's convenient for you (this must be easier for you than her, do not travel to her place) then meet up but do not chase this! She has to want this more than you.

Laying out your intentions only works if she's auto rejecting. She's not. She's broke up with you because you became weak and needy as stated in your OP.