Ok, this is a how to post that originated from this thread:
https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/raised-standards-after-a-break-up.24506/
Why do guys still suffer from break-ups?
I'll try to elucidate a bit what are the mechanisms that make guys fall for this trap.
First of all, you must acknowledge that if you are going through a bad break-up, it is time to pause your life and figure out what you did wrong.
Ideally, you should never have to go through that kind of bad experience, even with women you love (more of that in a minute)
PAIN
There's only one way to relieve the pain....to acknowledge and feel it.
- You should not avoid or pretend its not there.
- You should not try to go through a fuckaton phase (fucking every chick that crosses your path).
This is the time to go turtle mode and focus on improvement. Pain can be a great source of improvement (think about it: how many guys become red pill and start to learn game after they are heartbronken?).
But what if I love her?
Seriously, chances are you don't really love her. She's probably just messing with your brain chemicals (cough, NRE, cough) and you are too infatuated to see it rationally. After a while, you realize she's cool, but far from perfect. A little better than the others, but a regular woman nonetheless.
WHEN IT'S YOU BREAKING-UP
Ideally it should be a meeting to break-up. If she does not want it, say ok and text what you like about her, ending on a high note...I like to put the meeting option on the table (I'm oldschool, my first bad break-up was before cable internet). It shows you are a man who takes responsibility for your decisions.
There are good chances the right attitude is gonna stick and you gonna fuck her again down the road (I booted an ex-GF once, it was a really fucked-up break-up, but I was there to take the hit....fast forward 6 years and she was sucking my cock again as a FWB).
What you do is take a quiet time, sit down (in person) and talk to her like an adult. No pointing fingers, no trying to figure out what went wrong. Just two people having a decent conversation about something unpleasant, but necessary. Once that conversation is done, take some time to yourself (especially if you are successful with women....seducers need more time alone as drowning in pussy may get you in a worse emotional state - plus you probably gonna hurt someone who has nothing to do with it).
I really see no point on writing, sending audios or calling after the deal is done. Either you text or meet before....then you break-up and move-on with your life.
Over time you are gonna be "desensitized" (in a good way) and get a more rational POV of break-up dynamics.
After: Go radio silence for 6 months or more (more is better).
WHEN IT'S HER BREAKING-UP
Just take the hit. Not much to add here.
Ask for feedback if you like, but be prepared to hear a bunch of non-sense about you (chick logic is rationalization AFTER the fact...do not expect her to make sense....remember: women are terrible when it's time to take accountability for their actions, especially when they are bad).
Hear her out, but don't drag the process. If she wants to meet after a couple of months (sellers remorse or just to make her new BF jealous), meet and fuck. No dates, no BF bullshit. At that point she is just a FWB, nothing more. Ideally it should take longer for that to happen. If she refuses, she's using you for validation. Politely excuse yourself and refuse to be her emotional tampon.
After: Go radio silence for 6 months or more (more is better).
Now I'm gonna talk about the number 01 mistake most guys do. Ready?
MAKING HER SERIOUS TOO SOON!
How to know if that's the case? If you made her serious and then the relationship lasted less than years (yes, years), that's on you. If it lasted years but it was BAD after the first 2-3 years, that's on you too!
Chances are you guys have a lot of incompatibilities, so you should never have made her a serious GF, no matter how hot or how cool she seemed at the beginning. Ideally, it's your job to spend a long time qualifying before even considering to make her anything more than a one-day-a-week date.
I've spent seven+ years dating all kind of girls from all backgrounds and not once I had to break-up with any of them. Quite the opposite in fact: once they demanded more, they sought me out to talk about the relationship. If your frame is rock solid, once she starts to give you trouble or ceases to answer your texts, you slowly stop seeing her and no harm is done.
Important distinction: You don't screen to have sex...but you DO screen hard for a serious relationship. This is the intelligent approach IMO.
HOW TO AVOID MAKING HER YOUR GF BEFORE SHE QUALIFIES:
Don't change your frame. Ever. Simple as that. You only change a bit once she is really "in" and qualifies as someone to have something meaningful with that's (eventually) going to last a long time.
If for some reason she digs you and you stop seeing her, but you didn't give BF vibes the whole time you were together, she is not going to resent you, because she was not that emotionally invested in the first place - a thing that doesn't happen when you switch your BF button too soon (I'll explain this in a minute).
Do not expect her to be 100% ok with it. No woman likes to be rejected, even on a smaller scale. She'll "get it", but not like it nonetheless. But SHE won't be hurt, and YOU won't be hurt, which is the whole point.
Think of it as a floodgate. You have to carefully control how much water goes through so you won't flood the city below the den. The same with women's emotions. Remember: you are in charge of the relationship, always. You dictate the terms, the speed and the length of emotions going through it. Too much and she becomes too attached. Too little and she is gone for another dude.
THE BOXES CONCEPT
A concept I like is the one of the three boxes.
Everyone has 3 boxes where they put people of the opposite sex they are attracted too:
1) sex
2) affection
3) love
Men want to pull all attractive women into their sex box. If they like one of them, they move her to the affection box. If they really like her (after a period of time), they move her to the love box. Usually for most men one woman is enough for the love box, two or three may be in the affection box and an infinite number can go in the sex box.
Monogamy looks like this:
1) sex (A)
2) affection (none)
3) love (A)
(You only have one woman who is your source of love and sex.)
FWBs only look like this:
1) sex (A, B, C, D, E.....)
2) affection (none)
3) love (none)
(You fuck a lot of chicks without having strong feelings for any them.)
MLTRs look like this:
1) sex (A, B, C, D, E.....)
2) affection (A and B)
3) love (none)
(You have one or two girls who you have some feelings for, the rest is just for sex.)
OLTRs look like this:
1) sex (A, B, C, D, E.....)
2) affection (none)
3) love (A)
(You love only one women and have sex with others without strong feelings.)
What most guys do wrong is rush chicks through the boxes so they won't "loose" the ones they like the most. What they should do is take their time and wait as long as they can before upgrading women they are fucking.
Women OTOH are way more simple.
They start on the sex box, but once they find they like you they want you to rush them to the affection or love box as soon as possible! If she acknowledges her feelings and stay too long in the sex box (or even in the affection box), she starts to become really uncomfortable. That's when they begin to pressure you to define what the relationship is (and the longer they wait to reach that boiling point, the better you are doing your job as a seducer and as a man).
FAQ:
1/ What if you have a girl that absolutely refuses to sleep with you, or sleeps with you once, and then she blatantly asks for a relationship, for whatever reason? Does it mean that i'm not a good enough seducer for her yet, since I can't keep her in the sex box for longer? And should I refuse / dump her, no matter how cool she seems, given that I didn't screen her?
You never dump sex, especially if she is hot. You calmly explain that's not how you work and let her decide. If your frame is solid from day one, you should never have that problem (sub-communication is a stronger language than words for women). You are there 80% as a lover, 20% as a provider, which more or less are the percentages that make women stick around without dumping you or asking for a relationship before it's the right time.
2/ Speaking of screening, do you have a guideline you use for that? Like, a minimum period of time where you keep this girl in the sex box, and if she doesn't fail the tests in that time, you can consider growing it up? I used to think my attachment level and intuition was good enough, but it seems like a rule would help me.
How long on the sex box? Until she proves she deserves out of it. It depends on the woman, but a general guideline is three months straight of good behavior (without drama) and knowing I'm not exclusive may qualify her as MLTR. Although more is better, even if you dig her.
Hope this clarifies what happens in this kind of situation and makes you smarter next time.
~POB
https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/raised-standards-after-a-break-up.24506/
Why do guys still suffer from break-ups?
I'll try to elucidate a bit what are the mechanisms that make guys fall for this trap.
First of all, you must acknowledge that if you are going through a bad break-up, it is time to pause your life and figure out what you did wrong.
Ideally, you should never have to go through that kind of bad experience, even with women you love (more of that in a minute)
PAIN
There's only one way to relieve the pain....to acknowledge and feel it.
- You should not avoid or pretend its not there.
- You should not try to go through a fuckaton phase (fucking every chick that crosses your path).
This is the time to go turtle mode and focus on improvement. Pain can be a great source of improvement (think about it: how many guys become red pill and start to learn game after they are heartbronken?).
But what if I love her?
Seriously, chances are you don't really love her. She's probably just messing with your brain chemicals (cough, NRE, cough) and you are too infatuated to see it rationally. After a while, you realize she's cool, but far from perfect. A little better than the others, but a regular woman nonetheless.
WHEN IT'S YOU BREAKING-UP
Ideally it should be a meeting to break-up. If she does not want it, say ok and text what you like about her, ending on a high note...I like to put the meeting option on the table (I'm oldschool, my first bad break-up was before cable internet). It shows you are a man who takes responsibility for your decisions.
There are good chances the right attitude is gonna stick and you gonna fuck her again down the road (I booted an ex-GF once, it was a really fucked-up break-up, but I was there to take the hit....fast forward 6 years and she was sucking my cock again as a FWB).
What you do is take a quiet time, sit down (in person) and talk to her like an adult. No pointing fingers, no trying to figure out what went wrong. Just two people having a decent conversation about something unpleasant, but necessary. Once that conversation is done, take some time to yourself (especially if you are successful with women....seducers need more time alone as drowning in pussy may get you in a worse emotional state - plus you probably gonna hurt someone who has nothing to do with it).
I really see no point on writing, sending audios or calling after the deal is done. Either you text or meet before....then you break-up and move-on with your life.
Over time you are gonna be "desensitized" (in a good way) and get a more rational POV of break-up dynamics.
After: Go radio silence for 6 months or more (more is better).
WHEN IT'S HER BREAKING-UP
Just take the hit. Not much to add here.
Ask for feedback if you like, but be prepared to hear a bunch of non-sense about you (chick logic is rationalization AFTER the fact...do not expect her to make sense....remember: women are terrible when it's time to take accountability for their actions, especially when they are bad).
Hear her out, but don't drag the process. If she wants to meet after a couple of months (sellers remorse or just to make her new BF jealous), meet and fuck. No dates, no BF bullshit. At that point she is just a FWB, nothing more. Ideally it should take longer for that to happen. If she refuses, she's using you for validation. Politely excuse yourself and refuse to be her emotional tampon.
After: Go radio silence for 6 months or more (more is better).
Now I'm gonna talk about the number 01 mistake most guys do. Ready?
MAKING HER SERIOUS TOO SOON!
How to know if that's the case? If you made her serious and then the relationship lasted less than years (yes, years), that's on you. If it lasted years but it was BAD after the first 2-3 years, that's on you too!
Chances are you guys have a lot of incompatibilities, so you should never have made her a serious GF, no matter how hot or how cool she seemed at the beginning. Ideally, it's your job to spend a long time qualifying before even considering to make her anything more than a one-day-a-week date.
I've spent seven+ years dating all kind of girls from all backgrounds and not once I had to break-up with any of them. Quite the opposite in fact: once they demanded more, they sought me out to talk about the relationship. If your frame is rock solid, once she starts to give you trouble or ceases to answer your texts, you slowly stop seeing her and no harm is done.
Important distinction: You don't screen to have sex...but you DO screen hard for a serious relationship. This is the intelligent approach IMO.
HOW TO AVOID MAKING HER YOUR GF BEFORE SHE QUALIFIES:
Don't change your frame. Ever. Simple as that. You only change a bit once she is really "in" and qualifies as someone to have something meaningful with that's (eventually) going to last a long time.
If for some reason she digs you and you stop seeing her, but you didn't give BF vibes the whole time you were together, she is not going to resent you, because she was not that emotionally invested in the first place - a thing that doesn't happen when you switch your BF button too soon (I'll explain this in a minute).
Do not expect her to be 100% ok with it. No woman likes to be rejected, even on a smaller scale. She'll "get it", but not like it nonetheless. But SHE won't be hurt, and YOU won't be hurt, which is the whole point.
Think of it as a floodgate. You have to carefully control how much water goes through so you won't flood the city below the den. The same with women's emotions. Remember: you are in charge of the relationship, always. You dictate the terms, the speed and the length of emotions going through it. Too much and she becomes too attached. Too little and she is gone for another dude.
THE BOXES CONCEPT
A concept I like is the one of the three boxes.
Everyone has 3 boxes where they put people of the opposite sex they are attracted too:
1) sex
2) affection
3) love
Men want to pull all attractive women into their sex box. If they like one of them, they move her to the affection box. If they really like her (after a period of time), they move her to the love box. Usually for most men one woman is enough for the love box, two or three may be in the affection box and an infinite number can go in the sex box.
Monogamy looks like this:
1) sex (A)
2) affection (none)
3) love (A)
(You only have one woman who is your source of love and sex.)
FWBs only look like this:
1) sex (A, B, C, D, E.....)
2) affection (none)
3) love (none)
(You fuck a lot of chicks without having strong feelings for any them.)
MLTRs look like this:
1) sex (A, B, C, D, E.....)
2) affection (A and B)
3) love (none)
(You have one or two girls who you have some feelings for, the rest is just for sex.)
OLTRs look like this:
1) sex (A, B, C, D, E.....)
2) affection (none)
3) love (A)
(You love only one women and have sex with others without strong feelings.)
What most guys do wrong is rush chicks through the boxes so they won't "loose" the ones they like the most. What they should do is take their time and wait as long as they can before upgrading women they are fucking.
Women OTOH are way more simple.
They start on the sex box, but once they find they like you they want you to rush them to the affection or love box as soon as possible! If she acknowledges her feelings and stay too long in the sex box (or even in the affection box), she starts to become really uncomfortable. That's when they begin to pressure you to define what the relationship is (and the longer they wait to reach that boiling point, the better you are doing your job as a seducer and as a man).
FAQ:
1/ What if you have a girl that absolutely refuses to sleep with you, or sleeps with you once, and then she blatantly asks for a relationship, for whatever reason? Does it mean that i'm not a good enough seducer for her yet, since I can't keep her in the sex box for longer? And should I refuse / dump her, no matter how cool she seems, given that I didn't screen her?
You never dump sex, especially if she is hot. You calmly explain that's not how you work and let her decide. If your frame is solid from day one, you should never have that problem (sub-communication is a stronger language than words for women). You are there 80% as a lover, 20% as a provider, which more or less are the percentages that make women stick around without dumping you or asking for a relationship before it's the right time.
2/ Speaking of screening, do you have a guideline you use for that? Like, a minimum period of time where you keep this girl in the sex box, and if she doesn't fail the tests in that time, you can consider growing it up? I used to think my attachment level and intuition was good enough, but it seems like a rule would help me.
How long on the sex box? Until she proves she deserves out of it. It depends on the woman, but a general guideline is three months straight of good behavior (without drama) and knowing I'm not exclusive may qualify her as MLTR. Although more is better, even if you dig her.
Hope this clarifies what happens in this kind of situation and makes you smarter next time.
~POB
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