How to change from boring to interesting?

[Sakeem87]

Hello, could ya help me

I believe that I am boring. Well, come across as boring.

I'm twenty years old, am tall muscular, had introverted hobbies, but stopped with them.
No real friends, not many life experiences. Started university and joined a debating club to meet people, which worked, still the same there, I seem to be fine to chat to, but not cool to fool around or have fun with. How am I supposed to meet new people this way, when they rather talk to other people as with me?
Maybe I appear to uptight, shy or I talk to quiet... I want to make more experiences but I don't have any people to do these things with.
I try to improve everyday, but after one year,I'm still the same.

My problem is, that I meet new people and they seem interested in me, women and men, after talking with me, getting to know me, they don't really talk to me so much, or rather with other people. I'm in a group and the others are having fun, but I never seem to be included: example: hot girl walks in front us, we are in a group of 3 people the two people talk about the hot girl, look at each other and I can join, but when they laugh, they don't really look at me. Hope you can understand what I mean. I feel like other people don't want to be alone with me, not because they don't like me, but they can't have so much fun with me. So I get kind of excluded.

How can I change? Get a fun personality, because I believe I have the: doesn't talk so much mostly quiet and calm, never angry, nothing interesting to talk about personality... Others travel every year, but I don't have money and no friends, not sure if I even want to.
I want a normal level of social value I feel like that's the only problem I have with women. I need 3 good friends to experience something with or just a little bit more real life, but its really bad right now, never realized it until now, being in university and ignored from some people since I'm not cool, no big social circle ornot adding much value.

Another example: we all met at the same time, new at university,NOW the others are chatting everyday on their smartphones writing eachother messages, even on the holidays, nobody writes me and when, its not about private life or nobody sends me something funny or asks me questions, the others do that between them everyday even when they could ask me, they rather ask someone elese, I hate it, but tried many things still get treated like this. it's not like I'm openly excluded, but still makes university a pain especially when you try to get better, try to chanige.

 

[Bboy100]

Sakeem,

While its true that actually having cool experiences is helpful towards being viewed as a high value guy and being liked by others, you have to keep in mind that its honestly just supplementary. Its the same as having good looks, money, status etc. It's helpful but not necessary. This is more of a mental barrier than an objective problem.

The reason for this is that sleeping with girls is mostly about your non-verbals and your ability to lead. It's not so much about what you've done. In fact, you shouldn't even be the one talking. She should. All you should be doing is listening and relating to what she's saying.

Also, most anything can seem boring and anything can seem fun depending on how you tell the story.

Ex.
Today, I saw a fit dwarf.
vs.
You ever go somewhere completely normal and just out of nowhere you see something really weird? Yeah, that's what happened to me today. I was just minding my own business, walking on the street and all of us sudden, I see a dwarf. She was kinda funny looking, cause she was really buff..like, she obviously works out. But at the same time, she was hella short. It was just a really strange combination!



Notice. In both cases, I gave you the same facts, but the experience is entirely different. In one case, I made it seem like an adventure, kind of exciting. It could make a relatively good short story. Whereas, in the other, it was pretty boring. Really, it was more of a statement of fact than something you would actually talk about.

 

[Drck]

Hi Sakeem,

Bboy has a good points. Also, my impression is that you seem to be more of a 'strong and silent type'. Which is actually good, those guys are usually considered very attractive as they are more independent, more self reliant, making their own choices, not being too talkative, are rather emotionally cold and so on. So you don't necessary want to change this personality, rather you want to add to it.

Check your body language and voice. Work on fundamentals. You probably want to work on presenting yourself as more dominant. There is already lots of good advice here so I'm not going to repeat it.

I believe that you would benefit from reading about Mr. Nice Guy. You are seeking approval of others, it bothers you that they don't notice you. You are trying too hard to be noticed, you are trying to make others like you and so on, which others may perceive as you being needy and insecure.

Being quiet and being shy are two different things. Dominant male can be quiet but he doesn't have to be shy at all.

"I mostly hang out with really social people since at university, since they approach me are open and friendly and hang out with me"
>>>> Take a hint from these people: They are open, they share, they approach, they have positive energy. They are interested in other people, they listen to what other people have to say. They freely discuss different things, they share their stories. They respect others and other's opinions. They don't criticize too much, yet at the same time they can have firm opinions.

Increase your self esteem. Change your mind set. Your mind set is "I believe I am boring". "People don't like me, they avoid me". "I don't have many life experiences that I can share".
Change it to "I am an interesting person, there is lots of interesting things going out in my life". "People like me". "I have lots of life experiences that I can share, for example: A, B and C, and also X, Y and Z (make a list, write them down. If you think 6 is too many, write down 20)". Learn to believe that you are a great guy.

At the same time, you don't have to be 'interesting' person all the time, you don't have to have interesting stories all the time. You are just a person like everybody else. Observe what other people talk about. They talk about the most casual stuff. They talk about other people (just avoid any negativity), they talk about what they did, about food, their friends,.... Some talk about their problems and failures, which nobody wants to hear about. Nobody wants to listen to whiners and complainers, to people who constantly bitch about this and that. Others can talk 15 minutes about their 2 minute trip to the bathroom, and you could swear that it is the most interesting story you have ever heard. They just make it interesting and important because - they BELIEVE that it is interesting and important... Believe that what you say is important and interesting, believe that you are an interesting and important guy...

With friends, I guess you have to be reasonable. There is a good book from Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It is a good book on one side, but on the other it may make too much of a Nice Guy from you because it sort of suppresses attraction in girls. Lots of people may like you, you may have lots of friends (which is good) but at the same time you could easily become too "Nice". So balance it with learning about being more of an asshole.

In general, my personal thinking is that if you have to put too much of an effort to make a good friend it doesn't worth it. Some people just have similar interest like you, so you simply vibe with them better than with others. Say that a person likes fitness like you, he studies hard the same major like you, and he is interested in serious dating like you - so that's much easier fit than a person who plays basketball, doesn't study anything, and is looking to have female friends only... You could spend hours talking with the first person because you simply talk about the same interests, while you may have hard time to find common interest with the other... So simply spend more time with people who have similar interests like you. It is also the same like with seduction: Don't chase friends, don't do too much to get them. Mirror, do something for them and let them do something for you. If it doesn't work out, oh well - Next!

Hope it helps!

 

[Adam101]

I would also add try to focus more on being interested in others rather than worrying about them being interested in you. People love to talk about themselves but after a while even some of the more self-centered individuals get tired of it. If you can carry on a conversation to this point a person will flip the script and start asking about you. Suddenly your life is interesting because here they are having shared all these crazy and possibly intimate details of their life to someone they've just realized they know nothing about. Now you have mystery on your side. And if they were so willing to open up to you then you must be a fascinating individual. Becoming interesting will come with time as you gain more experiences but in the meantime you can cultivate that by being interested in others and being proactive in forging new relationships.

 

[lao che]

there's a guy i work with .. we share the same social circle, i could call him a friend but i don't like him very much. one of the many reasons i don't like him is because he's got a big fucking mouth.
now this guy could be an interesting guy. on the one hand he actually is an interesting guy. he goes interesting places and does interesting stuff, he has an interesting background and an interesting family. but, he never shuts up. he's boring as fuck. i'm not kidding, everybody rolls their eyes when he opens his fat gob. it's always opinions, or judgements. "i would never ..", "that person is so ,,,", "i went to bla bla bla yeah i met a bla bla dude who showed me bla bla bla". this fucking guy, man wants to ram his opinions and judgements and stories down everybodies' throat. nobody looks up from their desk when he opens his mouth, they don't wanna make eye-contact, lest they become the target for his gibberings.
i, on the other hand, am a boring motherfucker. that me-monster i just told you about would definitely agree with that statement, because i don't show up for work and immmediately launch into stories about my amazing weekend during which i drank xxx whisky or ate at xxx restaurant or hung out with xxx and bla bla bla fucking bla. when i open my mouth people listen; when i talk i have a fucking point; when i talk the focus isn't me me me me me. when i talk i'm animated, funny as hell, cheeky, observant, witty, imaginative, sexy and everything else that i've worked on. people are jealous when i talk, they try and cockblock my, entirely innocent, conversations, because they can't help but believe i'm not macking on every single girl i talk to, that's just how i talk to everybody.

the art is having nothing to say but being able to jabber on about nothing but so it's interesting. i think chase wrote a post about only talking to his friends when he had something to say, other than that, shut your mouth. then everyone thinks you have an amazing life because you only talk about interesting things.
observation is key, when you can talk about other people like you can see their soul, then you can just let rip, people will fucking love you and hate you at the same time.

it takes time, man. but you're really young, believe me you're on the right track. i didn't have GC when i was your age, nor anything similar. you are lucky to have found it. you sound like a really smart, driven guy. just keep practicing and making small improvements every day. by the time you're 25 you'll be a fucking machine.

anyway, don't be like that guy i described. point is you don't have to have done interesting things to be a good, charismatic, conversationalist. and almost everything comes with age, so ... don't be too harsh on yourself at the moment, you're doing well, you're asking the right questions, don'tgive up. and remember, perception is reality.