How to create better "connection"

[Estate]

Hi guys,

Wanted to get some of your input on this one. A little feedback I've gotten over the last while is confusing me a little as it seems to conflict.

Two things:
1. I've been told I am a great conversationalist (And for a natural introvert and someone called very quiet growing up I have Chase's topics on Conversationalists, Deep-Diving, etc, to be 100% what helped me turn that around. I'm such a different guy in that aspect.)
2. I've been told I am not creating the feeling of enough "connection".

So... Short story. Meeting a girl cold I don't seem to be building a big connection, even though there is some sort of initial lust (for lack of a better word).
Over this year I've had short relationships with a few women who ultimately went back to old boyfriends, crushes, etc who they cited a better connection with.

Now, this kinda makes sense to me. Feeling more connection with someone you probably know or have some history with or just run in the same circle with as opposed to someone you met cold, a few weeks ago. It makes sense. On the other hand, I think while working on conversation and deep-diving skills I had the idea THAT was what created connections, having the conversation skills to get inside her world... now I'm a little stumped.

Anyway, I'd just like to work on it. i.e. Creating a connection quicker, like really give a girl the feeling of "connection" or "chemistry" on a first date, or creating a sense of one. Maybe my conversation is good but not quite eliciting certain emotions? And how to do that? I'm unsure.

On the plus side, despite a slight blip in confidence at the beginning of the year this feels like a "first world" problem. A while back I was getting more girls but a little down on myself on the "quality" aspect. Throught the first part of this year I've really been meeting really great quality women, both in terms of attractiveness, personality, accomplishements. So I'm really happy with that. I guess what comes with that is the "first world problems", like the need to be in tip top shape to truely look like the right option to these women.

 

[lao che]

my oneitis asked me - "are you an alcoholic?" i replied "i can't honestly tell you that i'm not" i could see the attraction immediately spike in her eyes. (not that she gets wet for alcoholics, you understand, but rather she thought, this guy is raw and honest and i feel he trusts me and therefore i can trust him. something like that) (and FWIW i don't really believe in alcoholism as a disease. i'm more of the doug stanhope school of thought, it's a choice. i make a choice to drink ... anyway ......)

another girl, i don't know why, but we were talking and the subject got around to my having had a serious gambling problem (well, a losing problem. if i was winning then i would have been called a professional gambler). again, this sort of raw honesty was hugely attractive to the girl. the fact that i'm prepared to open up my darkest and most painful secrets to her. now i know you're asking about connection not attraction, but with a girl you're already physical with the two things go hand in hand.

so, in a word, vulnerability.

now i'm not saying go around blathering about yourself all the time. (the gamling thing, in particular, was a very tender nerve and something i couldn't have talked about at all a couple of years back).(it's only now with the benefit of age that "be yourself" makes any kind of sense. being comfortable to admit your faults, and acknowledging the events in your life, positive or negative that made you who you are, and not apologizing or excusing, but accepting) it's sharing something private with someone you care about. sharing something and opening yourself to be judged, and then not dwelling on those things but moving on.


now, estate, i'm not familiar enough with you to know if a lack of vulnerability is what you're having a problem with. i wanted to answer this last week or so when i first saw it but couldn't collect my thoughts well enough. then i was just listening to this -

http://theartofcharm.com/podcast-episodes/aoc-toolbox-rapport-episode-415/

and immediately thought of your post. it's nothing you haven't seen on girlschase, i would imagine, but a still a good listen.

 

[Bboy100]

Over this year I've had short relationships with a few women who ultimately went back to old boyfriends, crushes, etc who they cited a better connection with.

This happened to me one time earlier this year too.
I think one thing to note is that while we here at GC have a very specific definition for connection (i.e. creating comfort), the girls we talk to have a much more subjective definition. They might feel more like someone they have a "connection" with is someone they feel safe with. In other words, they might be referring to a provider. You on the other hand, as someone more experienced, I'm guessing naturally lives his day to day life exuding the qualities of a lover. So for these short term relationships, perhaps after sleeping with them, you might want to show more "provider type" qualities, so they feel "safer" i.e. more "connected" to you.

I'm not really sure if this is the issue though. I don't really have enough experience with girls post-sleeping with them to back this up. But it might be something to consider.