- Joined
- Nov 24, 2012
- Messages
- 317
I've been away for a few years after being heavily involved at the very start of this forum. So I promise its taken something quite special to bring me back! HB is a 19yr old redhead instagram model 10/10 type.
The problem at hand: Long distance 10/10. Easy in person when away a PAIN. Skip to bold for barebones.
- She came over 4 weeks ago - and this time is exactly the same as the last few times she came, she was great in person but as soon as shes back in her world of being the popular kid - she goes AWOL - hardly makes contact.
- I find myself having to initiate contact 80% (far too much) of the time. I've managed to get her to initiate a few times by just disappearing and not making contact for a week or more HB: "are you still alive?". But its been 4weeks of this bs!
- I need to be getting another trip to visit me organised or nothing will happen - she has actually said outright that she's "used to the guy leading and proposing plans" - which of course I agree with - but the fact I've paid for almost everything (she's a student - she agreed to pay for her last flight but she still hasn't come back to me with the cash) and have to initiate contact 90% of the time makes me feel like I've been put in a chasing position which I dont like at all.
- When I call her out of the blue to plan something she never picks up and what then ensues is a dance of "oh sorry I was in the shower" "can I call you back later" and then her not calling back because she "fell asleep" - this has happend many times. We eventually call and its usually quite good but its FAR too much effort to get the call which creates a bad frame.
- When I text her fun stuff she responds in a fun way with lots of hahaha etc
QUESTION:
- How do I break the cycle of me pursuing her for calls to plan things and her being evasive when I need to talk to her to plan something? As you can tell - she's managed to put me in the "chase" position by being broke (me paying for stuff) and being unavailable when she's not here - any thoughts on how to stop this NOW?
Right now I tried calling her two days ago - she didn't pick up and said she couldn't - said she would when she got back from a girls day out yesterday. She didn't.. I sent her an image.. and she 'liked' it.... Also any general thoughts appreciated.
Some tactics I've tried:
- Stop putting in effort - results in a lot of time wastage and nothing progresses. Its been 4 weeks since I saw her - previous times around 4 weeks I just bit the bullet and put in effort - I know that it sets the wrong compliance pattern - but its the only thing that worked in the past.
- call her out on not picking up - tried this and it sets a negative mood on the convo. I've done this a little too much and found its a bad way to go as it associates bad feelings like i'm telling her off for being naughty - with the call.
++++++++++++++
For those interested. Very unusual situation backstory:
- HB was actually the friend of a girl I'd had as a FWB for a while from croatia that was (at the time at least) totally fine with me getting with her - any jealousy issues have since been resolved. They visited me together 6m ago and I had an amazing first date (fingered in an alleyway to squirt and some oral etc) with HB, couldn't close because of logistics and her friend back at the apartment.
- Mainly off the back off that great first date she came to visit me on her own. Since she's not got a proper job and is basically a student (broke constantly as has no handle on her finances) I paid for her flight (possibly first wrong move here). We had another good first night and closed first night she was here. I was a little overexcited and decided to take her skydiving and extend her stay (Probably a second big mistake setting a pattern here).
- She came back again twice since - had some ups and downs.
The problem at hand: Long distance 10/10. Easy in person when away a PAIN. Skip to bold for barebones.
- She came over 4 weeks ago - and this time is exactly the same as the last few times she came, she was great in person but as soon as shes back in her world of being the popular kid - she goes AWOL - hardly makes contact.
- I find myself having to initiate contact 80% (far too much) of the time. I've managed to get her to initiate a few times by just disappearing and not making contact for a week or more HB: "are you still alive?". But its been 4weeks of this bs!
- I need to be getting another trip to visit me organised or nothing will happen - she has actually said outright that she's "used to the guy leading and proposing plans" - which of course I agree with - but the fact I've paid for almost everything (she's a student - she agreed to pay for her last flight but she still hasn't come back to me with the cash) and have to initiate contact 90% of the time makes me feel like I've been put in a chasing position which I dont like at all.
- When I call her out of the blue to plan something she never picks up and what then ensues is a dance of "oh sorry I was in the shower" "can I call you back later" and then her not calling back because she "fell asleep" - this has happend many times. We eventually call and its usually quite good but its FAR too much effort to get the call which creates a bad frame.
- When I text her fun stuff she responds in a fun way with lots of hahaha etc
QUESTION:
- How do I break the cycle of me pursuing her for calls to plan things and her being evasive when I need to talk to her to plan something? As you can tell - she's managed to put me in the "chase" position by being broke (me paying for stuff) and being unavailable when she's not here - any thoughts on how to stop this NOW?
Right now I tried calling her two days ago - she didn't pick up and said she couldn't - said she would when she got back from a girls day out yesterday. She didn't.. I sent her an image.. and she 'liked' it.... Also any general thoughts appreciated.
Some tactics I've tried:
- Stop putting in effort - results in a lot of time wastage and nothing progresses. Its been 4 weeks since I saw her - previous times around 4 weeks I just bit the bullet and put in effort - I know that it sets the wrong compliance pattern - but its the only thing that worked in the past.
- call her out on not picking up - tried this and it sets a negative mood on the convo. I've done this a little too much and found its a bad way to go as it associates bad feelings like i'm telling her off for being naughty - with the call.
++++++++++++++
For those interested. Very unusual situation backstory:
- HB was actually the friend of a girl I'd had as a FWB for a while from croatia that was (at the time at least) totally fine with me getting with her - any jealousy issues have since been resolved. They visited me together 6m ago and I had an amazing first date (fingered in an alleyway to squirt and some oral etc) with HB, couldn't close because of logistics and her friend back at the apartment.
- Mainly off the back off that great first date she came to visit me on her own. Since she's not got a proper job and is basically a student (broke constantly as has no handle on her finances) I paid for her flight (possibly first wrong move here). We had another good first night and closed first night she was here. I was a little overexcited and decided to take her skydiving and extend her stay (Probably a second big mistake setting a pattern here).
- She came back again twice since - had some ups and downs.
