How to diffuse tension?

[sneaky_charm]

Hey guys, I've been struggling with this since I was born. I am naturally a quiet person, and I can make people feel uncomfortable pretty well.

Before coming to GC, I didn't know those were positive things. For example, I have the 'piercing gaze' Chase talks about, or a gaze like that of James Marshall. Usually, I don't smile broadly, my movements and facial expressions are mild and restrained. And I just don't give much shit about what is happening around me. I just do my own thing.

The problem is, I find that people get extremely uncomfortable with me. Many feel like I don't like them, and so they begin resenting my presence or contact over time.

How do I diffuse tension? Do I talk more? Do I be the funny guy? I am really very comfortable the way I am. And I can tell that I get respect from most people who are successful even though I am just 21. It's not likeness, it's actually respect. But many others resent my presence. For some odd reason, I make people very uncomfortable by just being around them.

I find that talking helps, but really, I don't want to be the one talking all the time and smiling broad. Isn't there any other way of handling it?

When I'm doing my own thing, I smile only when I mean it. But it seems like many people mistake that as arroagance.

- Sneaky

 

[Drck]

"I find that people get extremely uncomfortable around with me. Many feel like I don't like them"

That is a very general statement but most likely that's where you might want to look. There is not much in your text so it is just my guessing, but if people are extremely uncomfortable around you, you may be perceived as too negative, too critical, too judgmental, too antisocial, too arrogant, too of an overachiever and so on.

For example, a guy could be too much of a high performer/achiever, he has high motivation. He knows everything, he win everything, he is well organized, he is too successful, too perfect and so on. He cares too much, he might be too distant. Well, good for the guy but most people who are rather 'average' don't really like it. It makes them feel, well, too average and too insignificant...

Also, everything is just relative. If a guy smiles broadly and he is a Nice Guy in general, he wants to smile less, he wants to be more serious, more dominant and more assertive. On the other hand, if the guy is not smiling at all, is very critical and arrogant, some moderate smiles and some vulnerability will help him a lot. So it is more about balance, about being more moderate...

You might want to look into being more outgoing and more agreeable. Try not to dismiss people (if that is the case), see if you can improve listening skills (e.g. nod when somebody is talking, repeat in your words what they said, simple relate to people). Work on empathy, there is a good book called Emotional Intelligence. Work on being more friendly, which in general means that you are more positive and more open, more sharing. Again, it is all relative. See if you can respect people more, see if you can show some interest in them. No need to be approval seeking guy, but see if you can make others feel better about themselves here and there...

Another thing, you might want to relax more. Relaxation is like an inner smile. You smile inside, you feel good and you are relaxed - and you smile outside as well, people will be relaxed around you, they will feel good because you feel good. Compare to uptight guy who frowns all day long, who is anxious, nervous and jumpy, and who is piercing everyone around with his gaze and attempts to control everyone who pays attention to him... Relaxation can fix lots, lots of problems...

People are also suspicious about quiet, lonely quys who don't have any friends. Guys like that might be easily perceived as creepy, distrustful. If that's the case, simply do the above... find some friends, inject some optimism into people, laugh here and there, go out once in a while so you can dissolve that impression...

And finally, the 'Sneaky'. Make sure you are not really sneaky, being truthful and honest even if you are wrong is much better then being right but sneaky...