In the beginner forum, there was a thread about being dominant:
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=14615
And Chase make a great answer about learned helplesness here:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/tacti ... lplessness
While I read a ton of excellent advices. I think that one thing that was never addressed was the ressentment expressed by the original poster. I've struggled a lot with that issue. I'm not an expert but I would like to share with you my perspective on this, hoping that it could help others to be free from bitterness and resentment.
On with the problem:
Resentment toward life unfairly good to women.
(AKA it's easy to be a girl)
I think that ressentment stem from this observation we all make in our late teens:
The sex-appeal of the young woman is a very strong power that is suddenly “given” to all the girls around you... and it feels unfair: Why they got that and not you (not “why” in a rational scientific cause and effect way, but the big “WHY”, like “Why god/reality make things that way and not another way?”).
For a young men, it looks like the girls just have one a million dollars at the lotery simply for being girls while they are told that with hard works they could also become millionaires.
I like that analogy because we could push it also to the next part of the common wisdom advice: “Ten years down the road, women will have dilapitated their million bucks partying while you could build a financial empire that will last.
Both are true in some way (the fate of lotery winners' money is pretty similar to the fate of women's charm). But I think it does very few to address the resentment: still feel unfair.
(Because instant gratification feel better, faster and stronger... even when it's just faster actually)
Also, since the contrast is at it stronger at the beginning of your “seduction/dating” life, it tend to leave an imprint in your mind and the confirmation biais kick in and will suppress any opposite exemple (and the reality change a lot in your 30s and in your 40s even more. Women doesn't really have anything more then). So even when that resentment doesn't fit the reality anymore, you tend to get stuck with it.
Ok, so let's have a closer look at that seduction thing. Let's consider the following statements:
And more importantly, the effect of a young woman “dressed up to the nine” is really dramatic. As guy, we often wish to have something that effective (and it's pretty much impossible for a young man, you have to grow yourself in an attractive man first).
Overall, it seems that it take less efforts for a woman and it also bring more effective results. It also looks like there's much more required from a man.
But is it unfair?
When efforts and results goes in opposite directions
The truth is both gender will have to make efforts. The thing is those efforts are made for opposite reasons with results in opposite directions. While groming and style is important for both men and women, men also have a lot to bring in the “personnality traits” department while the equivalent for women is... their youth.
So a man start with very little sex appeal and will (hopefully) work hard to improve his personnality traits to become more and more attractive. The effort is huge and the results are low at the beginning but as he learn and progress, it become easer and easier: there's a cumulative effect.
Meanwhile a woman start with a LOT of sex appeal (she start young after all!), but will have to work to keep it as much and as long as she can. She start with the maximum results with very little efforts in the beginning (18 years old girls being very attractive even when not “dolled up”), but it require more and more efforts as years goes by, while the results of these efforts goes down and down.
Like my best friend told me after she turned 30:
“It's much harder to be a woman, because suddenly, you turn 30 and realize that you need a lot of stuff un your life to make it works and be happy and that you need to acquire it NOW, you haven't anymore time ahead to get it.”
(while it's debatable if it's harder or not to be a woman, you get the idea: her power is getting down and down and she foresse the years where she won't be able to rely on it anymore.)
But like I said, we build our believes in the early stage of any new situation (first impresison, etc.). It's the same about the fairness in dating. So unless we re-examine our believes, we will carry through life the believes that power in dating is always what it was when we were 18.
How struggles is Mother Nature's way to nurture men
On a different line of thought, I think it's important for a men to realize that the sex-appeal power that women have come with a price. In a strange way, you also have an equivalent power as a man. That power is:
TO NOT HAVE AS MUCH SEX APPEAL AS A YOUNG WOMAN WHEN YOU BEGIN YOUR ADULT LIFE.
I know, that sound crazy... but stay with me.
Now, you could say “But a women doesn't have to act that way. She could have the best of both world if she want to!” While it's true that the law allow women to do as much as a man, the truth is that it's not how people behaviour is determined. People's behaviour act quite like water: it goes for the path of less resistance most of the time. Going against the grain is too exhausting, nobody have enough willpower to do it all of the time. In other words:
The power to choose how we will be juged
Also, being a woman could be compared as being a top athlete: One aspect of their life cast in the shadow everything else about them. Let's imagine that we are talking about (aka judging) Mario Lemieux and Wayn Gretzky (hall of fame top hockey players). We don't care if they are nice dad or good at making pancake. We only care about their performance on ice. Same thing for women: they are always judged for their beauty/sex appeal or lack thereof)... or something, for how good a “soccer-mom” they are (if they are not single, have child, how much they do compare to Martha Stewart?). A woman could be good acountant, but any acountant can do acounting... while if she's an attractive young woman or not, that's where the bulk of her value reside. Her again, for a guy, that would be usually no big deal, but women depend on approbation to nurture her self-esteem. So they almost universally adjust their behaviour accordingly to met people's expectation. A man isn't cursed with a fixed aspect of him casting in the shadow all the rest of his personnality. He can choose on what he will be judged (how fast you run if you are a sprinter, how rich you are if you're a businessman, how attractive you are if you are an actor, how skillfull you are if you are a musician, etc. For women, it's always their attractiveness).
Biology playing against a woman's freedom and assertiveness
There's another reason why women care so much what other people think: Oxytocine (AKA the thing that turn women into crazy nuttjob). Oxytocine, is basically the bonding hormone, the one that make you care about other people. Oestrogen amplify it effect while testosteron neuter it. Bottom line, it's ten time stronger in a woman's body. That's why, on a biological level, women tend to look for harmony with other people... and all the restriction to freedom and asserttivity that come with it.
(drama queen episode is an exception, but they are usually carefully crafted and under control. They only play dram queen when they feel safe)
Pour conclure...
Well, this is it. I hope it will help some to rebuild their believes system in a more useful way.
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=14615
And Chase make a great answer about learned helplesness here:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/tacti ... lplessness
While I read a ton of excellent advices. I think that one thing that was never addressed was the ressentment expressed by the original poster. I've struggled a lot with that issue. I'm not an expert but I would like to share with you my perspective on this, hoping that it could help others to be free from bitterness and resentment.
On with the problem:
Resentment toward life unfairly good to women.
(AKA it's easy to be a girl)
I think that ressentment stem from this observation we all make in our late teens:
The sex-appeal of the young woman is a very strong power that is suddenly “given” to all the girls around you... and it feels unfair: Why they got that and not you (not “why” in a rational scientific cause and effect way, but the big “WHY”, like “Why god/reality make things that way and not another way?”).
For a young men, it looks like the girls just have one a million dollars at the lotery simply for being girls while they are told that with hard works they could also become millionaires.
I like that analogy because we could push it also to the next part of the common wisdom advice: “Ten years down the road, women will have dilapitated their million bucks partying while you could build a financial empire that will last.
Both are true in some way (the fate of lotery winners' money is pretty similar to the fate of women's charm). But I think it does very few to address the resentment: still feel unfair.
(Because instant gratification feel better, faster and stronger... even when it's just faster actually)
Also, since the contrast is at it stronger at the beginning of your “seduction/dating” life, it tend to leave an imprint in your mind and the confirmation biais kick in and will suppress any opposite exemple (and the reality change a lot in your 30s and in your 40s even more. Women doesn't really have anything more then). So even when that resentment doesn't fit the reality anymore, you tend to get stuck with it.
Ok, so let's have a closer look at that seduction thing. Let's consider the following statements:
- - It take 100-200 hours max to learn to dress well, do your hair and use make up while it take a life-time to learn self-confidence, humour, etc.
- If a man lack ambition or have a very low lifestyle (no job), it hinder a lot his chance while it doesn't really matter for a woman what her circumstances are.
- If a man have flaw in his mental health or personnality (depression, neediness, etc.) it hinder a lot is chance while it doesn't really matter for a woman what her circumstances are.
- Taking care of yourself doesn't seem faster for the man: While, both need to be svelt, the man need to be muscular too. While women have to do their legs, armpits men have to do their back, shoulder, etc. While women have to put on make up, men have to shave. It take a bit more time for a woman, but not that much.
And more importantly, the effect of a young woman “dressed up to the nine” is really dramatic. As guy, we often wish to have something that effective (and it's pretty much impossible for a young man, you have to grow yourself in an attractive man first).
Overall, it seems that it take less efforts for a woman and it also bring more effective results. It also looks like there's much more required from a man.
But is it unfair?
When efforts and results goes in opposite directions
The truth is both gender will have to make efforts. The thing is those efforts are made for opposite reasons with results in opposite directions. While groming and style is important for both men and women, men also have a lot to bring in the “personnality traits” department while the equivalent for women is... their youth.
So a man start with very little sex appeal and will (hopefully) work hard to improve his personnality traits to become more and more attractive. The effort is huge and the results are low at the beginning but as he learn and progress, it become easer and easier: there's a cumulative effect.
Meanwhile a woman start with a LOT of sex appeal (she start young after all!), but will have to work to keep it as much and as long as she can. She start with the maximum results with very little efforts in the beginning (18 years old girls being very attractive even when not “dolled up”), but it require more and more efforts as years goes by, while the results of these efforts goes down and down.
Like my best friend told me after she turned 30:
“It's much harder to be a woman, because suddenly, you turn 30 and realize that you need a lot of stuff un your life to make it works and be happy and that you need to acquire it NOW, you haven't anymore time ahead to get it.”
(while it's debatable if it's harder or not to be a woman, you get the idea: her power is getting down and down and she foresse the years where she won't be able to rely on it anymore.)
But like I said, we build our believes in the early stage of any new situation (first impresison, etc.). It's the same about the fairness in dating. So unless we re-examine our believes, we will carry through life the believes that power in dating is always what it was when we were 18.
How struggles is Mother Nature's way to nurture men
On a different line of thought, I think it's important for a men to realize that the sex-appeal power that women have come with a price. In a strange way, you also have an equivalent power as a man. That power is:
TO NOT HAVE AS MUCH SEX APPEAL AS A YOUNG WOMAN WHEN YOU BEGIN YOUR ADULT LIFE.
I know, that sound crazy... but stay with me.
- Having less easy options mean you have to approach, but then is also mean you can approach as much as you want to. And that mean any average guy COULD give himself more option than the hotest girl on the planet may ever have. I asked a couple of girls how many “serious offers” from guys genuously curious about her do they got (you know, when you remove catcalls and other pathetic stuff). Usually it's 3-4 a year, the most attractive who was also very friendly received 12. Of course, that's outside the bar/club scene. There its more 5 a night when they goes out. A guy could easily reach for ten time more than that every day. If you don't believe me: ask the girls, ask the hot girls. You could be surprised.
To be barred from people's approbation as a source of validation give you freedom and assertiveness. As a man, you probably hit a wall in your teens when it come keep receiving validation and approbation for acting properly. At the beginning it suck, but that's one of the biggest advantage to be a man. Because it force you to find another source of validation, wich gave you independence form other people. That's where a man's freedom and assertivness stem from: If your validation come from other people, how could you dare challenge/disobey/displease them? It would be too risky to loose your source of fullfillment for that very important emotional need (self-esteem). On the other hand, if they already cut you off from the supply, you have absolutely nothing to loose at doing whatever you want and the hell if they hate it or not. That's why men are assertive and free and women aren't (or doesn't seem to be). Women are seldom able to give themselves permission to offend people. Too risky.
To have it more difficult at the beginning force you to take the life's challenges. People tend to be nicer toward young girls than toward young man. Even the old ladies! That's not about sex (not only), it's everyone. People make a young woman life easier in a ton of different ways. The best exemple: it's much easier for a woman to find an entry job (in a store, in a cafe/restaurant) to pay for her superior studies fees and get her diploma. However, even if women outnumbers men for the college degree, they are still earning less when they are 25 (according to a study done in UK). So men drop out from college, go to work and manage to earn more on average than women anyway. The reason? Challenges. You learn stuff when you take challenge (including self-confidence). You learn to ask for what you want or else to go and get it. Women's strategy at their job is usually to hope to be rewarded for nice behaviour: they litterally act like “Nice guy” in the workplace and they get accordingly poor results. Yep, they are “friendzoned” by their job so to speak.
(Of course, if you have the misfortune(!) of being born rich, you may have the same problem as women here: not challenging enough)
Now, you could say “But a women doesn't have to act that way. She could have the best of both world if she want to!” While it's true that the law allow women to do as much as a man, the truth is that it's not how people behaviour is determined. People's behaviour act quite like water: it goes for the path of less resistance most of the time. Going against the grain is too exhausting, nobody have enough willpower to do it all of the time. In other words:
- - A girl won't escalate (they do approach quite often actually) because they don't have to and it's easier/safer to not do.
- A girl won't rock the boat (except for occasional drama where she's in control) and risk people disapproval because she can tap on other people approbation for validation. It's easier and faster to keep what they're used to since childhood. Even if it mean to surrender your freedom to other people's opinions, even if it mean to not be assertive.
- A girl will usually not challenge herself. Let's face it, nobody initially like to challenge themsleves. Challenging yourself is an acquired taste. Life need to first send a couple of bad curveballs in your direction before you start to seek more challenges on your own. Young women doesn't have to that much, so they avoid it as much as they can and such never learn to love challenges and never get the benefits that challenges bring in your life after successful completion.
The power to choose how we will be juged
Also, being a woman could be compared as being a top athlete: One aspect of their life cast in the shadow everything else about them. Let's imagine that we are talking about (aka judging) Mario Lemieux and Wayn Gretzky (hall of fame top hockey players). We don't care if they are nice dad or good at making pancake. We only care about their performance on ice. Same thing for women: they are always judged for their beauty/sex appeal or lack thereof)... or something, for how good a “soccer-mom” they are (if they are not single, have child, how much they do compare to Martha Stewart?). A woman could be good acountant, but any acountant can do acounting... while if she's an attractive young woman or not, that's where the bulk of her value reside. Her again, for a guy, that would be usually no big deal, but women depend on approbation to nurture her self-esteem. So they almost universally adjust their behaviour accordingly to met people's expectation. A man isn't cursed with a fixed aspect of him casting in the shadow all the rest of his personnality. He can choose on what he will be judged (how fast you run if you are a sprinter, how rich you are if you're a businessman, how attractive you are if you are an actor, how skillfull you are if you are a musician, etc. For women, it's always their attractiveness).
Biology playing against a woman's freedom and assertiveness
There's another reason why women care so much what other people think: Oxytocine (AKA the thing that turn women into crazy nuttjob). Oxytocine, is basically the bonding hormone, the one that make you care about other people. Oestrogen amplify it effect while testosteron neuter it. Bottom line, it's ten time stronger in a woman's body. That's why, on a biological level, women tend to look for harmony with other people... and all the restriction to freedom and asserttivity that come with it.
(drama queen episode is an exception, but they are usually carefully crafted and under control. They only play dram queen when they feel safe)
Pour conclure...
- 1) A good part of your believes that it's unfair doesn't come from the actual reality around you, but from the reality back when you were 18 and built those believes.
2) Both gender have efforts to do. Men to gain sex appeal, women to keep it. Men start with max efforts and it become easier and the results get better and better as you improve. Women start with big results and few required afforts, but the efforts goes up and their results goes down.
3) Having to escalate is only emotionally difficult, once you're used to it, it's easy. Then it's only great to be able to create as much opportunity as you want (by initiating and being in control of the date).
4) Loosing other people's approbation as a source of validation and self-esteem is a good thing. It suck when it happen, there's an adatation that need to be done, but you end up assertive and free when it's done.
5) As a young man, life throw more curveballs in your direction, but it's an invaluable opportunity to cultivate your love for challenge since our natural impulse is to avoid challenges in the early stages. In the end, building a great and happy life is only possible by successfully taking on challenges. The sooner you get good at this, the better it is for you.
6) You are not cursed with a fixed aspect of you casting in the shadow all the rest of your personnality. As a man, you can choose on what you will be judged (and anyway, you don't need to care how they judge you).
7) Oxytocine have less effect on your body, wich leave you free to do as you please instead of doing what pleases others. Geting what you want is already hard enough, it become next to impossible if you have to manage other people's displeasure.
Well, this is it. I hope it will help some to rebuild their believes system in a more useful way.
