How to get over her when the standard methods don't work

[Bboy100]

Ok, so there's this girl I met sometime near the end of last February. She was my second first date ever. And she was also one of the few relationship quality girls I've met so far. The date went pretty badly. I actually wrote a post about it back then: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=9362
It's a pretty short post, so I can provide more info about the date if need be ( I somehow still remember it clear as day.)

Anyways, I guess I was really smitten with this girl. Because after almost 9 months now, I STILL haven't completely gotten her out of my head. I'm not obsessing over her, and I'm certainly not chasing after her. But still, every once in a while, my thoughts drift off to her and how great she is and how I haven't met anyone like her so far. Additionally, I feel like I've unintentionally turned her into a measuring stick for all other girls. In other words, I have this feeling of "If they're not like her, they're not as good as her". Needless to say, this is not a mentality I would like to keep. But on an emotional level, it seems I can't get rid of it.

Also, I've randomly ran into her at school several times since. Twice at the gym, and once at a coffee shop. The one time I met her in the coffee shop, I was off to a date with another girl. So I didn't say much to her...I just briefly walked up to her, shook her hand, told her that it was good to see her again, but I'm supposed to meet someone else here so I have to go. The other two times at the gym, we didn't say anything to each other. She just smiled and waved at me, and I waved back. Other than that, there has been NO CONTACT with her at all since about the time of last yr's Superbowl. In any case, each time after I saw her, I started to feel super depressed and I obsessed over her/couldn't get her off my mind for like, a week.

There are several factors at play here...first off, I might be right. I can't recall having met any girls like her before. I've definitely met other relationship quality girls. But atm, I don't think I've deemed any of them "as good" as her.
Note: I'm not saying I believe she has unique or irreplicable qualities. I'm merely stating that so far, I haven't met anyone else who has them.

The second piece to this puzzle is that there's a good possibility that the only reason she left such a big impression on me is because at the time, I had very little experience with girls in the first place. And the fact that she seemed so perfect just left a HUGE emotional impact on me. And I feel like that's still lingering even now. That is to say- I think that if I met her for the first time now, even if things went badly, I wouldn't care as much because she'd feel like "just another girl". Whereas back then, she was "one of two girls".

As anyone who's read my posts before knows, I do:
Meet other girls
Other things with my life
Have slept with other girls since then
Have other friends/ways of socializing
Am not and generally do not chase girls who aren't investing in me.
Know and have accepted that there are other fish in the sea who are equal to or better than her.

I was hoping time plus these other things mentioned above would help me. But it seems that's not the case. I have read and reread Chase's Article on getting over "the one" many times. Advice?

 

[Smith]

The reason is obvious. It's because you haven't slept with a girl like her before. This happened to me recently with a girl I slept with and I had to fight against some heavy emotion to not go crazy over her. I haven't felt this way about a girl for a looong time. To me, this is a signpost to look inside myself and figure out whatever insecurity I still have. It's usually a sign of feeling not enough. Instead of going out more and try to meet more girls like her, which could definitely help so don't get me wrong, I would suggest you also look inside yourself and see if this is a sign of something more important that you need to work on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_dTtHriNlk&list=PLzDZ-APJtK8ERZjalpSFpPY7sCQ_6NrNo

This guided meditation video helped me a lot on healing my internal wound.
Hope this helps!

Smith

 

[Bboy100]

Wow...great meditation! It had quite a profound effect on me. I'm guessing its most effective if I do it on a daily basis?

 

[ray_zorse]

Dude I am still unreasonably upset about this girl but ehh, shit happens, time is the great healer. Although Smith did say something that really resonated and helped me to understand my feelings better (shout out to Smith -- I intended to reply in that thread with a thankyou but never got to it). You might not be mentally invested for the reason you think. In my case I realized it was not her cuteness and smartness per se, but the fact I allowed her to transgress my boundaries, she faked a phone call and lied to me about it, and although I knew what was up I failed to call her out on it, excused her on basis of looks and switched to chasing mode then went off with my tail between my legs. Also called her following day despite knowing it was a lost cause, instead of NEXTing as I would normally do with girls who lie or make excuses (she picked up and we spoke briefly). So basically I'm disgusted with myself and my beta behaviour at that time (it happened again with another chick recently which is the one Smith helped me with). I badly want to turn the clock back and redeem myself. But ehh, shit can't be helped, onwards and outwards my man!!!
Ray

 

[Bboy100]

The standard method WILL work: meet and date a lot more women. I know it hurts now, especially if you found a good one. But if you were living in a state of abundance, and trying to schedule multiple girls for the same week, trust me--you wouldn't be obsessing the way you are now.

I admit, I haven't been going on as many dates in the past month or so...mainly cause of work and I'm in a sling...just got surgery. So going out is kinda hard. But still, even during the summer, when I was not just scheduling, but actually going on 2-3 dates a week (average), she was still always in the back of my mind- this is precisely the reason why I'm kinda worried.

Dude I am still unreasonably upset about this girl but ehh, shit happens, time is the great healer. Although Smith did say something that really resonated and helped me to understand my feelings better (shout out to Smith -- I intended to reply in that thread with a thankyou but never got to it). You might not be mentally invested for the reason you think. In my case I realized it was not her cuteness and smartness per se, but the fact I allowed her to transgress my boundaries, she faked a phone call and lied to me about it, and although I knew what was up I failed to call her out on it, excused her on basis of looks and switched to chasing mode then went off with my tail between my legs.

I had a similar experience this yr. Back when I had almost 0 abundance whatsoever, I went out with this girl who was absolutely GORGEOUS. First of all, I derailed from my process and invested waay too much effort to get her to finally meet me. Not only that, but earlier in the convo, she had asked me if she can bring friends. I said that I'm not down for that. She completely disregarded this and decided to show up with a group of like, 15 people anyways. For some reason, I let this slide and continued pursuing her. To make matters worse, she wasn't even intelligent, funny, charismatic...nothing. She was just a pretty face. But for some reason, she drove me a lot crazier than some other much cooler girls I had met before her. So yeah, I feel ya on that one.

Having said that, I think this is a case of the exact opposite. I dunno if its Tinder or if its just the nature of girls my age, but it seems like 90% of them really don't have their shit together at all. Like, they're cute, but I can always tell via conversation that they deeply lack maturity in at least one major area of life. ...Maybe she's emotionally immature. Maybe she makes stupid decisions. Maybe she's just unintelligent in general. Maybe she lacks empathy for others. Maybe she's super socially awkward etc.
On the other hand, I feel like this was one of few girls for whom I can rationally and logically say with a certain degree of certainty that if I got together with her, I would not be "settling" in any way.

 

[Smith]

Although Smith did say something that really resonated and helped me to understand my feelings better (shout out to Smith -- I intended to reply in that thread with a thankyou but never got to it).

No problem Ray

Wow...great meditation! It had quite a profound effect on me. I'm guessing its most effective if I do it on a daily basis?

Glad you like it ! Yes, I don't see why you don't want to do it daily =)

Having said that, I think this is a case of the exact opposite. I dunno if its Tinder or if its just the nature of girls my age, but it seems like 90% of them really don't have their shit together at all. Like, they're cute, but I can always tell via conversation that they deeply lack maturity in at least one major area of life. ...Maybe she's emotionally immature. Maybe she makes stupid decisions. Maybe she's just unintelligent in general. Maybe she lacks empathy for others. Maybe she's super socially awkward etc.
On the other hand, I feel like this was one of few girls for whom I can rationally and logically say with a certain degree of certainty that if I got together with her, I would not be "settling" in any way.

I have not met a lot of girls who "got their shit" together as well. Most of them is just drifting through life seeking external stimulation. Usually the ones that got their shit together also have a bf who's pretty successful as well... You attract who you are, not what you want =)

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

You attract who you are, not what you want =)

Nice.

 

[Dude909]

What's the problem here? I've dated hundreds of girls (haven't fucked all of them though!) and I still have fond memories of some of them, some of them from years ago. I sometimes think of exes I nexted. I even remember some girls I saw but never approached or talked to. There are some girls out there who are more awesome than others and will make a lasting impression on you. There's nothing wrong with that. You can relish the memory of them just like you would a great hot dog you ate ten years ago, even though you've eaten a million hot dogs since. It only becomes a problem if one of those girls starts taking an unreasonable amount of your brain-hours and keeps you from being happy with your love life and general life.

 

[Bboy100]

Part of my original concern was more that I put her on a pedestal because she was one of my "firsts" if you will. And as one gains experience in something, the emotions associated with the same situation change pretty drastically. So perhaps even if I found a girl like her again, I wouldn't see her in the same light. And so on an emotional level, I would deem her as "not good enough" even though they're actually very similar or maybe even the same. So I'm kind of afraid I'm chasing something which doesn't exist.

But alas, I feel like maybe I'm overthinking this a little bit. I guess there are no more actionable steps I can take other than to continue working on myself. Eventually, I'll find someone like or better than her.

Thanks for the help guys!

 

[Smith]

BBoy,

Interact with her again now if you can. You'll find that she's not as amazing as you imagine her to be and probably similar in some ways to some of the girls you met. Sometimes when I re-engage girls I used to think are amazing, they're not so amazing after I talk to them now. Then I start to wonder why I was so obsessed with them in the first place =)

 

[Bboy100]

Interact with her again now if you can. You'll find that she's not as amazing as you imagine her to be and probably similar in some ways to some of the girls you met. Sometimes when I re-engage girls I used to think are amazing, they're not so amazing after I talk to them now. Then I start to wonder why I was so obsessed with them in the first place =)

Yeah, this seems like a solid idea. If I see her again, I'll go say hi. And treat the interaction as a test to see if she really measures up to who I have the impression she is.