- Joined
- Jul 5, 2013
- Messages
- 182
How does one come out on top when you want something and a gatekeeper takes up a position based argument (as opposed to a principle based one)? (principle based ones are the ones that can lead to win-win situations, position based ones typically lead to win-lose or lose-lose)
Story
I went to a store the other day to return an item a friend purchased and they said they don't take returns. I tried a few different tactics to get them to return it ("make an exception", reason, principles...) but the manager was not open to it. I asked why the policy was that way, and he said it's because that's "just how it is", refusing to give me any leverage. I pushed even more, recognizing the opportunity here to practice pushing through resistance, but could make no ground. He was much like a stereotypical bouncer -- a bit unimaginative and high on his small amount of power. I've been thinking about whether or not there is a better method to breaking through gatekeepers using position based arguments who refuse to communicate rationally, but so far I've only come up with a few tactics that can increase your chances. Throughout life we're bound to come into contact with gatekeepers all the time -- and some of the time they are blocking things we want quite badly, so if anyone has some more surefire ways to breaking through, please share!
Tactics
#1 One of the most important things is (usually) to not show that you want it very badly. Usually it is good when you encounter someone like this to let it slide off you without investing too much, and then trying a different tactic. Showing your lack of serious desire, you might just get what you want -- or maybe the gatekeeper lets their guard down, lets something slip, or oversteps their bounds, and you get more leverage than you previously had which you can use for a second assault. You've got more info, now you approach the thing more intelligently.
#2 You take up a position based mindset yourself and go head to head. In this situation, you should be talking to a decision maker -- make sure you go head to head with someone who has the power to give you what you want! (least appealing for me, unless the situation REALLY demands it or I am just practicing)
#3 You redefine their position for them, so it suddenly appears unfavorable or precarious. This one isn't always possible, and it typically takes them giving you at least a little bit of leverage for it to work. If you can make it so they suddenly realize that the position they are upholding is an unfavorable one (ideally one that is about to fall apart and hurt them personally) they might allow you a pass, or at least turn a blind eye. Sometimes a bribe can really turn the scales in your favor here too, but if the person is unimaginative, you have to bribe them without them fully recognizing it for what it is. Flirtation, hints at possible rewards without overtly stating them, or even a gift basket can be great tools of subtle bribery (if that's the name we even want to call it).
#4 You get them on your team. I tried this in the example from above by turning the spotlight on him, smiling, and being positive and easygoing. In this situation it didn't work, but sometimes it does (especially if you haven't triggered their guards to go up yet).
#5 You get them defending the wrong things and then take what you really wanted. The bait-and-switch tactic. This one also is highly situational. One situation where it has worked for me is when selling my services to someone who had a fixed price. I started out with a very high price when I was fine with the one being given, but I wanted a specific benefit that wasn't typically offered to people in my position. By going high and then allowing them to work me down, I got that extra benefit thrown in. I even got the bonus benefit of being perceived as the most valuable provider of said service, as I clearly valued myself highly, leading them to follow suit.
What others can you think of?
Oskar
Story
I went to a store the other day to return an item a friend purchased and they said they don't take returns. I tried a few different tactics to get them to return it ("make an exception", reason, principles...) but the manager was not open to it. I asked why the policy was that way, and he said it's because that's "just how it is", refusing to give me any leverage. I pushed even more, recognizing the opportunity here to practice pushing through resistance, but could make no ground. He was much like a stereotypical bouncer -- a bit unimaginative and high on his small amount of power. I've been thinking about whether or not there is a better method to breaking through gatekeepers using position based arguments who refuse to communicate rationally, but so far I've only come up with a few tactics that can increase your chances. Throughout life we're bound to come into contact with gatekeepers all the time -- and some of the time they are blocking things we want quite badly, so if anyone has some more surefire ways to breaking through, please share!
Tactics
#1 One of the most important things is (usually) to not show that you want it very badly. Usually it is good when you encounter someone like this to let it slide off you without investing too much, and then trying a different tactic. Showing your lack of serious desire, you might just get what you want -- or maybe the gatekeeper lets their guard down, lets something slip, or oversteps their bounds, and you get more leverage than you previously had which you can use for a second assault. You've got more info, now you approach the thing more intelligently.
#2 You take up a position based mindset yourself and go head to head. In this situation, you should be talking to a decision maker -- make sure you go head to head with someone who has the power to give you what you want! (least appealing for me, unless the situation REALLY demands it or I am just practicing)
#3 You redefine their position for them, so it suddenly appears unfavorable or precarious. This one isn't always possible, and it typically takes them giving you at least a little bit of leverage for it to work. If you can make it so they suddenly realize that the position they are upholding is an unfavorable one (ideally one that is about to fall apart and hurt them personally) they might allow you a pass, or at least turn a blind eye. Sometimes a bribe can really turn the scales in your favor here too, but if the person is unimaginative, you have to bribe them without them fully recognizing it for what it is. Flirtation, hints at possible rewards without overtly stating them, or even a gift basket can be great tools of subtle bribery (if that's the name we even want to call it).
#4 You get them on your team. I tried this in the example from above by turning the spotlight on him, smiling, and being positive and easygoing. In this situation it didn't work, but sometimes it does (especially if you haven't triggered their guards to go up yet).
#5 You get them defending the wrong things and then take what you really wanted. The bait-and-switch tactic. This one also is highly situational. One situation where it has worked for me is when selling my services to someone who had a fixed price. I started out with a very high price when I was fine with the one being given, but I wanted a specific benefit that wasn't typically offered to people in my position. By going high and then allowing them to work me down, I got that extra benefit thrown in. I even got the bonus benefit of being perceived as the most valuable provider of said service, as I clearly valued myself highly, leading them to follow suit.
What others can you think of?
Oskar
