How to gracefully decline her date suggestion

[Beam]

Hey guys, I was meant to go for a drink with a girl near my house last Thursday, but she ended up getting sick and asked if we could postpone. I shot her a message yesterday asking how she was feeling, and she said a lot better, then asked if I would be down for a walk along the river which is somewhat far away from mine instead of a drink. This doesn't really interest me that much. This has happened a couple of times where the girl has suggested something a date idea which is not as conducive to the seduction but I've gone along with it out of fear of coming across as too demanding. How would you gracefully say you don't want to do this and go for the drink instead? Or would you go along with it and suggest grabbing a drink later (start off with the walk, then if she's feeling up to it, taking her to a bar, closer to yours and so on (3 bounce method)? Not sure how feasible this since there aren't many bars close to the river. Or end it early/go for the day 2?

I'm thinking of playfully responding saying "we don't have to have too much if you're concerned about getting sick ;P" but thought I'd check in to hear if others have any thoughts.

Thursday morning (day of date):
H: Hi B, really sorry but can we raincheck drinks? I've been off work with a cold the last few days and just really struggling. Haha I'mnot going to be the best company at the moment

B: Damn, that's a shame. I had one a couple weeks back and it sucked. Yeah lets raincheck for when you're feeling better, hopefully soon

H: Haha I also had one a few weeks ago :/. ok sounds good

Sunday 5:29pm:
B: Hey H! How's the cold recovery going?

Monday 9:11am:
H: Hi B! Feeling much better now thank you.
H: How would you feel about going for a walk along the [river pretty far from mine] rather than getting a drink?

 

[MarkA]

Hey Beam,

Using some social tact is a good skill to have so I like this topic. I think you need to see the situation in a different way in my opinion.

My take is that you don't want to go to the park a) because it is far away and b) you think it is less likely for you to get laid. a) is something I won't dispute but for b) it is common for girls to have sexual fantasies about doing it in a park. All you need is to think of is can you find a place to isolate from everyone else and then make a move. Sex doesn't always have to be indoors.

If you really do want to ignore her request tell her it sounds great but on that day she suggested you are busy seeing friends / family / work... whatever. Then suggest a counter offer of a bar you wanted to go to.

Another option is suggest a quick drink and then a walk afterwards and conveniently make a move early on to skip the later stage. That way she think she will get what she wants when actually you will get what you want.

However she may be holding out on you and want a little more effort and that's why she wants the park as it fits in with her disneyfied romantic notions so do keep it in mind that. If so some kind of gesture of effort will help and then she will be more likely to comply.

 

[Will_V]

Hey guys, I was meant to go for a drink with a girl near my house last Thursday, but she ended up getting sick and asked if we could postpone. I shot her a message yesterday asking how she was feeling, and she said a lot better, then asked if I would be down for a walk along the river which is somewhat far away from mine instead of a drink. This doesn't really interest me that much. This has happened a couple of times where the girl has suggested something a date idea which is not as conducive to the seduction but I've gone along with it out of fear of coming across as too demanding. How would you gracefully say you don't want to do this and go for the drink instead? Or would you go along with it and suggest grabbing a drink later (start off with the walk, then if she's feeling up to it, taking her to a bar, closer to yours and so on (3 bounce method)? Not sure how feasible this since there aren't many bars close to the river. Or end it early/go for the day 2?

I'm thinking of playfully responding saying "we don't have to have too much if you're concerned about getting sick ;P" but thought I'd check in to hear if others have any thoughts.

Just thought I'd chime in with a perspective here: the time that passed since you met her could easily have made things cool off a bit in her mind, and now she's thinking 'eh let's take it a bit slower', and a walk by the river is more chill than drinks at a place of your choosing. So I wouldn't look at it as simply a logistical question or her just not feeling 'up to it'. Whenever time passes, things are not necessarily in the same place as they were left.

I would look at it as a combined question of re-seducing her a bit and also taking back the frame. The way I would do it is to create two choices that are not what she suggested, where choice A is a bit pushy and very ideal for you (but framed very nonchalantly and like it's no big deal for you), and choice B is somewhere between her suggestion and your ideal scenario. Then, if she just goes 'ah why not!' you get the ideal scenario, and points for both taking back frame and being dominant, if she's like 'too much, let's take option B' you still get a better deal and points for taking back frame.

I would not use your response because, in my opinion, time has passed since she met you and she's half-forgotten about who you are, and you don't want to come into that weak frame already negotiating. She needs to think 'ah that's the dominant guy I thought he was!'. And she needs to feel like you are still somewhat of the prize, not her.

I can't promise you it will work, but my modus operandi is always to err on the side of asking for too much rather than too little. The way I see it, a weaker lead can easily go either way, because she could have gone along all kinds of mental paths - so although the advantage is marginal, being more pushy and going all in still works better in the long run.

 

[Vision]

You could always do it with a time constraint attached to it.

"The walks sounds like fun but I don't want to go too far away from here because I'm supposed to meet some friends at 7 (whatever an hour after the date starts is). Let's meet up at X bar and we can go for the walk another time."

And when the time constraint time comes up, if you don't like how things are going, it's a good reason to leave. If you do like how thing are going, you can tell her you told your friends you'll meet up another time and that you want to spend some more time with her...

Which will make her feel amazing.

 

[Beam]

Thanks for the responses guys. I didn't want to keep her waiting too long so responded before you all had a chance to answer - going with my gut which was something along the lines of "a walk does sounds fun - what would you say to starting at *bar* and then going for a walk afterwards? We don't have to have too much if you're concerned about getting sick ;P". My gut was wrong - that was two days ago and no response. Will I think you were right when you suggested she had cooled off and wanted to take it easy.

Also MarkA and Vision, will keep those pointers in mind, in this instance we hadn't set an exact date yet so couldn't use the "I'm meeting friends later"

My plan is to send her a voice message today, going to think of what to say but I'm going to base it off Cientificos message that he sent to the girl who didn't reply to his quadruple text.

 

[Beam]

Amazing how my gut instinct for what to say is always so off. No response to the voice message fuck. Thowing this one in the bin. Disappointing.

 

[Skjöldr]

Sometimes it's for the better. That you'd wish it would have stayed at the first rejection.

 

[Vision]

Thanks for the responses guys. I didn't want to keep her waiting too long so responded before you all had a chance to answer - going with my gut which was something along the lines of "a walk does sounds fun - what would you say to starting at *bar* and then going for a walk afterwards? We don't have to have too much if you're concerned about getting sick ;P". My gut was wrong - that was two days ago and no response. Will I think you were right when you suggested she had cooled off and wanted to take it easy.

Also MarkA and Vision, will keep those pointers in mind, in this instance we hadn't set an exact date yet so couldn't use the "I'm meeting friends later"

My plan is to send her a voice message today, going to think of what to say but I'm going to base it off Cientificos message that he sent to the girl who didn't reply to his quadruple text.

This is just in hindsight...

What you could have done is just nailed down a day and time first and then given the location and time constraint after the time is nailed down.

That way you're getting commitment and consistency. She's agreeing and it makes sense then that when you tell her that you should do a walk another time, that she'll continue to agree because she's already invested and agreed to a previous commitment. Also the time constraints are really powerful because she thinks you're not attached and you're basically telling her you're not trying to hook up since it's such a short period of time that you'll be spending together.

And if she's saying to go for a walk, you can tell her that you would like to but instead of it being down by the river, it's near where the bars are... maybe there's a park or something to look at where you're going. The important thing is that you're having a good time, not where it is exactly. Then if you want to go to the bar, you can talk to her about it and find out what her actual objection is when you meet up. She might have some deep seated issues with going to a bar.

It could be that you're taking things too fast or it could be that she doesn't like drinking or that she doesn't want to be seen with you in town because she has friends there and maybe she's seeing another guy who she doesn't want to know about you guys meeting up. There could be a bunch of different things going on there and you have no idea what it is.

All we know is that she wants to go for a walk by the river and has straight up rejected the idea of getting a drink. Saying that you really want to get a drink might come across as a bit inconsiderate. You want things to be on your terms but you don't want to come across like you absolutely don't care about her needs and desires, that's a huge red flag for her... or at least it should be.

It also could be that she's looking for a better influence in her life, someone who doesn't drink, isn't into drinking, etc. and you just proved that you're not that guy. It could be that she has negative associations around drinking or drinkers and now that association is around you.

It's hard to say what's happening on her side man. That's why it's always good to be in a world of abundance. You might meet a girl and it's just the right time and the right place... you could meet a great girl who would be perfect for you but it's the wrong time, the wrong place, or you're in the wrong state of mind... or her vice versa.

You chalk this up as a learning experience. You can always reach back out to her in a week if you want to. I know a lot of guys will say that's chasing, and it probably is. But the magic is really when you get together and communicate. She may be in a different space mentally and emotionally in a week. You can frame it like you both missed each other or it didn't workout or whatever, that way it doesn't come across like she's ignoring you, which she is.

I usually don't meet girls at bars. I usually meet them as close to my place as humanly possible... usually at a landmark location and then walk them to wherever I want to go. I tend to say, "let's meet at x and go from there" and that just leaves everything up in the air. Then you're not debating what you're going to do... you're meeting up, which is the most important part. Nothing else matters if you don't meet, obviously.

If they ask what we're going to do, I tell them it's a surprise or "we're going to have a good time and get to know each other" or something like that. If they press the issue, you can tell them but most of them don't really care as long as their needs are being taken into consideration.

At least, that's my experience.

 

[Skjöldr]

This is just in hindsight...

What you could have done is just nailed down a day and time first and then given the location and time constraint after the time is nailed down.

That way you're getting commitment and consistency. She's agreeing and it makes sense then that when you tell her that you should do a walk another time, that she'll continue to agree because she's already invested and agreed to a previous commitment.

Yes, i just did this with a girl. I stack soft closes on top of her so she agrees to it bit by bit. What i did with a girl just now was first we find a day that works for both, then i tell her i have a delicious bottle of wine, she says she doesn't like wine but suggests gin and i say you bring some tea and i make snacks, sounds good she says. I say to her "pick you up at 7.30 pm?" and she goes "Yes sounds good" and then i send the whole thing wrapped up "Awesome, pick you up Friday night at 7.30 pm for some romantic tea time" ala the hard close. Bit by bit she agrees to elements of the date.