How to handle running into an old friend who now hates you

[The Emerald Archer]

I was out with a group of people Saturday night in a small college town that I haven't been to in well over a year. We were at a bar that plays house/edm music and the place was packed you could barely move. After buying my buddy and I shots and beers, I decided to branch off and try to find a place to take a leak. The bar was packed and I wasn't able to get to the restrooms in a quick enough time, so I decided to walk around outside and find somewhere closed off. I found a hidden spot by a parking lot on the edge of the strip of bars. I finished and started walking back to the bar thinking I'd grab a slice of pizza quick before I headed inside into the bar. As soon as I turn the corner, I recognize this "friend" not completely sure if it is him, so I keep walking seeing if he'll call out my name. Sure enough, this dude recognizes me and calls out my name and then "jokingly" asks if I'm just gonna ignore him like that. I say what's up and have energy behind my introduction. Then another old buddy runs up to me from where he was and dabs me up saying it's good to see me followed by another old acquaintance. There were 5 guys in this small group total.

After making some small talk with two of them, I decide to go over and say hi to one of the two that was stood up against the wall. Me and him used to be fairly close back in the day, we went overseas together to his home country two and a half years ago. We casually lost contact over the past year and a half, but there was never a big confrontation or argument that blew up where we stopped talking. I go over and stick my hand out for a handshake and he doesn't return the pleasantry, he decides to keep his hands in his pocket. I proceeded to make small talk and said hey, what's up. He said hi in a very condescending/brushing me off sort of way and then proceeded to say this:

Him: I don't wanna be a dick, but I don't really like you.
Me: (skeptical/confused look): Ok did I do something to offend you?
Him: No, no. Ya know I'll say hi but I don't like you.
Me: Ok if that's how you feel. Are you sure I didn't offend you? I'm trying to understand the issue
Him: I don't wanna do this right now
Me: Alright I just thought I'd say hi to an old friend
Him: I'll say hi
Me: Ok good luck to you
Him: Good luck to you

As I was mid-conversation the first guy who called my name out walked over and condescendingly asked me if I was still talking in a loud, drunk, obnoxious sort of way. I think I ignored him and when I started walking away from the group after exchanging good lucks, this dude yelled "stay gay" or something close to that. It was humiliating to say the least, but it completely caught me off guard and I was a little fucked up (had a good buzz and was kinda high) so I didn't retaliate as aggressively.

A brief backstory, when I first started college I was part of a social circle with these guys. The one who told me he didn't like me was the "leader" and the one who I graduated high school with. These guys were my main group of friends for three years, I even went overseas with the 2 who were rude to me. About a year and a half ago, I slowly started losing touch as I had just joined a fraternity and started making new friends. Also, I was the guy in that social circle who was the butt of every joke and these guys thought they could rip on me for their own amusement. I was a little resentful towards these guys for that, which is why I slowly cut back interacting with them. I never left on bad terms or burned a bridge which is why I was thrown off-guard when this incident occurred. Anyways, I feel like I could have done a better job of asserting myself but I was shocked at the odds of me even running into them that night. What do you guys think, how should I have handled this situation?

 

[Richard]

I was going to go off the title but reading your post calls for a different plan of action, but, the best way to handle things here is to just be polite without being a pushover. People that talk angrily and are coming from a place of resentment tend to make themselves look like idiots so long as you don't get sucked into things.

Him: "I don't wanna be a dick, but I don't really like you"

The best way to respond to that is to brush it off and go about your business, because, you don't have time for that. By responding with;

You: "Did I do something to offend you?"

It makes it look like you're supplicating with an implied message of "Ok, what can I do to fix this?"

Don't waste your time on people who don't have your best interest in mind. A guy who says something like that is nobody you want to be around, and there's nothing to handle in this case because of that. The second somebody says something like that you excuse yourself and go about your business, or you can be a slight dick and go about your business anyway.

Him: "I don't wanna be a dick, but I don't really like you."
Me: "That's too bad for you. I'm gonna go talk to some cute chicks."
Him: "Stay gay"
Me: <gesture a thumbs up> or I'd probably mouth a kiss.

The point is you want to diffuse all the bullshit he's trying to pull so he effectively pulls the rug out from under his own feet. As Jackie Chan said, "When fighting angry, blind man, best to just stay out of the way." Same applies to people who hate you, just stay out of their way, don't get pulled in, and they'll bury themselves.

-Richard

 

[The Emerald Archer]

Hey Richard thanks for your input bro.

The best way to respond to that is to brush it off and go about your business, because, you don't have time for that. By responding with;

You: "Did I do something to offend you?"

It makes it look like you're supplicating with an implied message of "Ok, what can I do to fix this?"

I admire how you're able to decipher such social nuances. My thought process behind responding the way I did was so that it would appear I would be coming from a place of higher ground and composure, but I didn't even realize that my statement came off as supplicating. Although, after I said that, this old "friend" (let's call him Bill) got a little defensive by saying "no,no,no blah blah blah I just don't like you."

Don't waste your time on people who don't have your best interest in mind. A guy who says something like that is nobody you want to be around, and there's nothing to handle in this case because of that. The second somebody says something like that you excuse yourself and go about your business, or you can be a slight dick and go about your business anyway.

Him: "I don't wanna be a dick, but I don't really like you."
Me: "That's too bad for you. I'm gonna go talk to some cute chicks."
Him: "Stay gay"
Me: <gesture a thumbs up> or I'd probably mouth a kiss.

Good call on the excusing yourself and going about your own business, I personally would prefer to be a slight dick about it haha. I should also point out that the dude who said "stay gay" was not the same one who said he didn't like me to my face (Bill). The guy who said that (let's call him Roberto) did so as I was walking away and saying bye to the other old friends in the group who I'm cool with. I thought the "stay gay" statement was pathetic and immature, I feel like mouthing a kiss would have been priceless in showing how his statement didn't affect me. Roberto used to always go so far out of his way to tool me and laugh at my expense, and would constantly talk shit behind my back to try and sabotage me when I was running with that social circle, so this didn't surprise me.

The point is you want to diffuse all the bullshit he's trying to pull so he effectively pulls the rug out from under his own feet. As Jackie Chan said, "When fighting angry, blind man, best to just stay out of the way." Same applies to people who hate you, just stay out of their way, don't get pulled in, and they'll bury themselves.

Haha good ole' Jackie Chan couldn't be more spot on. I agree, even though I may have not dealt with that situation in a dominant and powerful way, it was completely obvious that they were the ones with serious issues. Like I said, I never burnt bridges with these guys and/or never talked shit about them behind their back after we lost touch. I just simply faded away and upon seeing Bill for the first time in a year-and-a-half I get told to my face that he doesn't like me haha. I think it's funny because whenever I run into old people I used to associate with (old friends, guys from high school, etc.) they always say hi and are enthusiastic to see me. One buddy of mine (Alec) I lost touch with right around the same time as I did these guys, and he messaged me on my birthday a few months ago wishing me happy birthday and said he hoped I was doing well. And I was NEVER as close with him as I was these dudes which further goes to show they appear to be the emotionally unhealthy ones.

I'm curious about your opinion though Richard, would fading away from people you used to be somewhat close with (even though they may have never acted like true friends) justify some sort of moral stance like the one Bill seemed to take? I ask because he would have a track record of doing this to people after he felt they violated the "friend code" by losing touch. For example, and old friend of ours (Ryan) got his first serious girlfriend a few years ago and Bill caused a lot of drama over it and eventually de-friended the dude. Ryan's girlfriend and Bill's sister were also friends and there was a bit of drama with those two girls' friendship which was also a factor. The point is this dude, Bill, has always though of himself as noble and honorable for de-friending people when they lose contact/don't hit him up for a period of time.

Thoughts?

 

[The Emerald Archer]

I wanted to briefly revisit this post after ~1 year because interestingly enough I've recently run into 2 social situations in the past 2-3 weeks where this dude was there (the guy in this post that I used to be good friends with who essentially told me off in a very disrespectful, childish way about a year ago in this original post). In case I didn't mention this in my original post, me and this guy have some mutual friends in common cuz we all used to be good friends and hang out together. As a result, I've ended up in these 2 social situations where we were both in the same room.

One was a social gathering at my friend Nick's house. He is the main guy that I would hang out with with this dude who burned a bridge with me. We all used to be pretty close and Nick is really good friends with the guy. They are both form the same culture and hang out quite a bit and have even traveled together recently. Nick is the reason I got invited to these events where I was in the same room with the guy.

Long story short, at both of these social situations we didn't speak to each other or even really acknowledge the other person. My instinct tells me that I'm going to be running into this dude at least on a sometimes basis due to the friends we all have in common, and I feel that it's only a matter of time before the tension bubble bursts and I will have to defend myself or handle a social challenge/situation appropriately with this dude.

It might not come to that but in case it does, what do you guys think would be an appropriate course of action and what the optimal way to conduct myself in these situations would be so that I won't end with my status and reputation taking a hit, and I'll be able to expose this guy for social awkwardness and possible shunning?

 

[Parkour]

A couple of thoughts ran through my head as I read this.
At the original point: I just don't like you....
I think it's worth reflecting on this point because it best describes the nature of what is going on. A lot of people don't like a lot of people but they don't all go out and say it. Isn't it interesting? It's a weird form of aggression that borders on posturing due to the proximity of other people. You might just have looked/acted like a target as you see this a lot with bully behavior. As you said, by being the butt of jokes before, there is an obvious respect gap.
So, why do bullies bully? To look tough in front of their friends. To assert some form of dominance. To assert some control over something they don't like or feel threatened by. You being too nice, they would feel threatened by.
In friend circles, the reasons could be many but I'll posit some common ones.
- Since you've previously been nice/less assertive, you could come across as "nice" and "nice" isn't nice (there are good articles on here about that). That annoys people who would rather you be real. Maybe it's like an auto-rejection because they assume you're resentful of them for the past and better to reject you first?... Sticky dynamic.
- Abandonment from when you fell out and got on with your new friends. Friend auto-rejection for abandonment is definitely a thing.
- Some other social dynamic you missed along the way involving solidarity with others.
- Straight up jealousy.

Stuff you could say to broach the subject in an assertive truth seeking way:
"I'm curious to know, what was that all about? what made you say "i just don't like you" last year?"
Let him give the first bullshit answer, something like, "I just don't like you" and see if you learn anything from it then keep following up with questioning:
"I may not be everyone's cup of tea but what made you say that?" This way it becomes about him, and his feelings and not you.
"I actually thought we ended things on normal terms before, you guys called me over that night, what's that really about?"
Basically, you can calmly question them in a way that they are qualifying the whys, and you can continue this line of questioning until they spit the truth out one way or another. Anything that doesn't add up becomes the next in the line of questioning. Pulling this off requires being curious and honing on the truth. Maybe expressing where you were coming from but focusing on getting to the bottom of the tension.
It's an incredibly dominant/masculine thing to do that is still respectful, non-threatening if you pull it off right. If they weasel out of it, you just pick right back up with questioning their behavior the next time you interact.

As for the public "Stay Gay" thing, if you're witty you can shut him down and entertain the crowd. Otherwise think about it like he's mad at you because you did offended him in a big way. Shake you're head, laugh to yourself, and walk on. It'll make him look kind of lame desperate. Law of least effort.

 

[The Emerald Archer]

I think it's worth reflecting on this point because it best describes the nature of what is going on. A lot of people don't like a lot of people but they don't all go out and say it. Isn't it interesting? It's a weird form of aggression that borders on posturing due to the proximity of other people. You might just have looked/acted like a target as you see this a lot with bully behavior. As you said, by being the butt of jokes before, there is an obvious respect gap.
So, why do bullies bully? To look tough in front of their friends. To assert some form of dominance. To assert some control over something they don't like or feel threatened by. You being too nice, they would feel threatened by.

Yeah actually I never really looked into this aspect, very insightful Parkour. It is interesting that someone would come right out and say that and the more I think about it, the more it looks like straight-up trying to be a bully. I will definitely admit that I set very poor precedent with this social group, I started hanging with them seriously when I began college all the way back in 2011, when I was still getting my social bearings. I'm sure that had a lot to do with this particular confrontation.

In friend circles, the reasons could be many but I'll posit some common ones.
- Since you've previously been nice/less assertive, you could come across as "nice" and "nice" isn't nice (there are good articles on here about that). That annoys people who would rather you be real. Maybe it's like an auto-rejection because they assume you're resentful of them for the past and better to reject you first?... Sticky dynamic.
- Abandonment from when you fell out and got on with your new friends. Friend auto-rejection for abandonment is definitely a thing.
- Some other social dynamic you missed along the way involving solidarity with others.
- Straight up jealousy.

Hmm... I see. Could be a combo of some of these, but the one that jumps out to me is the abandonment. This dude was very sensitive to this sort of thing imo. I remember he would stir up drama whenever one of the guys in the social group started hanging with other people or started "talking" to a girl. I'm sure the others play a role as well, but wouldn't surprise me if this was the main reason couple with auto-rejection.

I like your opinion on drawing out the reason via questioning and being inquisitive, are you recommending I be the first one to walk straight up to him and lead with that? That's an interesting take on dominance, I seem to still have a little bit of that mentality where dominance is aggressiveness and seriousness. I still need to train my instincts and understanding on that one cuz I never realized that just by leading via. questions you could come off as very dominant. Appreciate the insights bro.

As for the public "Stay Gay" thing, if you're witty you can shut him down and entertain the crowd. Otherwise think about it like he's mad at you because you did offended him in a big way. Shake you're head, laugh to yourself, and walk on. It'll make him look kind of lame desperate. Law of least effort.

He wasn't the one who actually said this, my mistake I should've clarified that earlier. It was another guy that used to be in our old social circle who always liked to pick on me and such. This guy kept trying to interrupt the conversation that I was having where I was trying to see why this dude told me he didn't like me. There were 5 guys total, three who I was cool with and these two who were disrespectful to me. The dude who kept trying to interrupt is the one who made that smartass comment, but you're right. Plenty of ways to expose that type of comment and behavior.