How to manage easily offended people? (Intermediate +)

[Dr. Manhattan]

Howdy!

So, I'm having some trouble properly handling people that get easily butthurt by you saying no to them without eventually erupting.

I'm a pretty laid back and kind person, so I usually do direct, indirect, subtle, slight anger so they can get the hint but they never do.

Anyway, how do I handle people who:

1. get offended and butthurt when you decline their help or advice (when you KNOW it's incorrect and you're being easy and cool about it.)?
&
2. feel the need to tell you what to do all the time regarding your life?

I find that self-sufficient & non-needy guys that have their own stuff going on can cause a lot of resentment in others... it's honestly getting really really draining & there are a couple times I'm afraid for my life :/ I was raised by a diagnosed psychopath and can flip empathy on and off and so there are a couple times I feel like I should be threatening to beat the fuck out of them... but I don't want to!!

Thanks for taking the time to read this,

Doc

 

[Cacc]

Easy. Cock-slap them and put it in their mouth.

 

[Mr.Rob]

I was raised by a diagnosed psychopath and can flip empathy on and off and

Wow that's interesting. You should write up a post on your experience of that, I'd be highly curious.

Anyway, how do I handle people who:

1. get offended and butthurt when you decline their help or advice (when you KNOW it's incorrect and you're being easy and cool about it.)?
&
2. feel the need to tell you what to do all the time regarding your life?

For people #1 it depends on the context. For starters it can be good to avoid getting into conversation threads where your conversation partner would feel albliged to solicit their advice or help unless its someone whom you'd actually hold regard for their opinion on the subject (i.e. and expert or teacher on said topic), thus don't talk about your problems and then you won't get any advice in most situations. Alternatively if someone offers unsolicited advice/help if its not a big deal and they are genuinely trying to be helpful in an effort to gain your approval or liking or are otherwise cool people then you can just casually say "oh cool appreciate the advice, so anyway [change subject]" (you don't have to actually use their advice). Lastly if your annoyed by said unsolicited advice and you don't otherwise like that person you can always confront them on it (assuming you know the subject better than them) and point out their incompetency's too them, though not likely to make friends this way it can be fun and if you do it with charm in front of others you'll typically get some laughs/respect.

For people #2 I would avoid spending time with these types of people if at all possible or call out the behavior you don't like and put them in their place. No one in my life tells me how I should live my life other than when I ask them for their opinions on matters. Though I also have pretty clear cut visions and goals that my friends/mentors know about that they support anyhow.

-Rob

 

[Dr. Manhattan]

I was raised by a diagnosed psychopath and can flip empathy on and off and

Wow that's interesting. You should write up a post on your experience of that, I'd be highly curious.

Anyway, how do I handle people who:

1. get offended and butthurt when you decline their help or advice (when you KNOW it's incorrect and you're being easy and cool about it.)?
&
2. feel the need to tell you what to do all the time regarding your life?

For people #1 it depends on the context. For starters it can be good to avoid getting into conversation threads where your conversation partner would feel albliged to solicit their advice or help unless its someone whom you'd actually hold regard for their opinion on the subject (i.e. and expert or teacher on said topic), thus don't talk about your problems and then you won't get any advice in most situations. Alternatively if someone offers unsolicited advice/help if its not a big deal and they are genuinely trying to be helpful in an effort to gain your approval or liking or are otherwise cool people then you can just casually say "oh cool appreciate the advice, so anyway [change subject]" (you don't have to actually use their advice). Lastly if your annoyed by said unsolicited advice and you don't otherwise like that person you can always confront them on it (assuming you know the subject better than them) and point out their incompetency's too them, though not likely to make friends this way it can be fun and if you do it with charm in front of others you'll typically get some laughs/respect.

For people #2 I would avoid spending time with these types of people if at all possible or call out the behavior you don't like and put them in their place. No one in my life tells me how I should live my life other than when I ask them for their opinions on matters. Though I also have pretty clear cut visions and goals that my friends/mentors know about that they support anyhow.

-Rob

Thanks for your reply.

#1 I've got handled in situations that you mentioned. I find that many folks like to be the unsolicited advisor regarding my life. Because of past experience drawing out too long for my liking I've started to become more terse and deadpan with these people so that they get the idea that I really don't want their advice, and I don't mind telling they're being highly obnoxious. Having pondered on it some more & now including your input, I think when I have more financial and workplace independence, I'll simply have more power to just walk away.

#1.1 I mean in simple ways. I'll be at a table and someone will come over and offer to throw away something of mine, but it's full still, for example. I'll look at them smile & say, "no thanks, still sipping on it." and they get bothered. The only thing I can really assume is going on (very high cognitive empathy on my end) is that they feel embarrassed? They genuinely act as if I rejected them to a ball sometimes. It's only a rare few that can keep things 1-2-3 and just say okay and walk away without internalizing it so much.

The reason I am tweaking my behaviour with folks like this is that sometimes they'll start to act very awkward, bitter, and/or resentful afterwards and obviously that isn't in my favor.

#2 Gotcha'. People like this are to be avoided entirely.

--

As for the psychopathy, ask me anything you'd like!
Don't hold back and feel free to get as funky as you'd like.
(I'm waiting for my 25th birthday to see if I have it as well, I think I do)

Doc

 

[Mr.Rob]

Dr. Manhattan,

I'll look at them smile & say, "no thanks, still sipping on it." and they get bothered. The only thing I can really assume is going on (very high cognitive empathy on my end) is that they feel embarrassed?

Hmm, weird. Sounds like social un-calibration on their end.

The reason I am tweaking my behaviour with folks like this is that sometimes they'll start to act very awkward, bitter, and/or resentful afterwards and obviously that isn't in my favor.

Learn to get better at guiding interactions to put people at ease when you need to put them. One way to do this is decline their offer for help, quickly change the subject about them (i.e. "looking ripped man how are those 6 pack of abs coming along you talked about"), and smile.

#2 Gotcha'. People like this are to be avoided entirely.

Or at least set a personal boundary with these folk.

As for the psychopathy, ask me anything you'd like!

What was the most extreme shit you witnessed your dad do when you were growing up?

 

[Dr. Manhattan]

Mr. Rob

I see. Guide them through any feelings that may arise. I can visualize that working perfectly. Gotta keep that empathy on and take care of emotions around me... Solid.

Thanks.

--

Ok so, here is the thing with psychopathy... we're a lot less violent and crazy than people assume.

It's actually more emotions that cause violence... but neurotypicals are very quick to deny anything they feel if it paints them as anything negative.

There is a Hollywood stigma that is easy to buy into, but it's total rubbish.

A psychopath is someone who created a mask (if they're high-functioning) because since they don't innately have emotional empathy, at one point in their life they didn't behave correctly and realized they had to get with the program or be shunned.

Neurotypicals (what non-psychopaths are called by psychopaths) are emotionally empathetic (keyword being emotional) when you're in public, in the bathroom, at home after you've pulled a girl... always. It's a part of you.

Psychopaths do not share this and their social mask is entirely different than who they really are. Common questions that arise after my last statement is, "Well, don't we all have a mask? I wear a mask all the time!".

Yes, but your mask is a different version of your 'normal' self. Ours is entirely different from who we are naturally.

Psychopaths have incredibly high cognitive-empathy. We can understand pretty much anything cognitively. We know what you feel more than you do. Most of us don't exploit you, believe it or not. We like the challenge of solving problems and can pinpoint them from a mile away. We see what holds everyone back, including ourselves (but need help with the people part of it sometimes). We have ZERO tolerance for bullshit and will immediately ignore you if you're a "yeah, but" person.

We're the people you call when you need to get a job done. Big or small.

Without or mask, neurotypicals think we don't like them. We just don't emote and neurotypicals need emotes to feel engaged.

Every eye twitch, centimeter move of every action we do is calculated, otherwise, we're crucified!

I like to compare psychopaths to mutants, always blending or they risk getting bad treatment. What people don't understand, they fear.

I'll stop here because I presume you have questions already.

To answer your original question, my father filled a hockey bag with silver bars and ziplined across 4 buildings in outer-NYC suburbs where he landed upon a railroad track at precisely the minute the train arrived. Took freight trains from NYC to Colorado. Got a job as a ski instructor, slept with bomb-shell blondes (I think is the GC term used for them) for 6 months, bought a bronco for $300 and took it to Alaska, worked as a crab fisherman for 8 months with $28K and started his own construction business. He left home at 14. Had me at 22.

"The craziest" thing I've seen?

Him maneuvering a crowd like a magician. He's like Jay Gatsby. He, and me too as I age, can get pretty much anything we want. We like to keep things clean, however. We're not vultures (lower functioning socio's usually are), we're not parasitic (lower functioning socio's usually are). We value self-reliance, respect, integrity, honesty, loyalty, & doers.

I hope I do not open up a can of worms with my next statement, but Chase is pretty damn similar to a psychopath with a mask on. And I can tell you why...
A psychopath is someone born with an 18% smaller amygdala. Chase is an avid meditator from what it seems. 8 weeks of meditation has been shown to shrink the amygdala itself... So if you're a neuro who wants a taste of the pyschopath world, mediate is my current prescription... prepare yourself though, it's a 'lonely' world.
I don't believe he is one, I believe he is someone with high-emotional empathy as well as high-cognitive empathy due to his efforts but learned to turn off empathy because he doesn't like wasting his time. Believe me... cognitive empathy is what makes you a man that gets what he wants. The difference between us both is that he has the natural understanding of how to proceed with that understanding, psychopaths don't and need to learn the appropriate response, hence my question!

Doc

 

[Mr.Rob]

Yes, but your mask is a different version of your 'normal' self. Ours is entirely different from who we are naturally.

Interesting breakdown.

Him maneuvering a crowd like a magician. He's like Jay Gatsby. He, and me too as I age, can get pretty much anything we want. We like to keep things clean, however. We're not vultures (lower functioning socio's usually are), we're not parasitic (lower functioning socio's usually are). We value self-reliance, respect, integrity, honesty, loyalty, & doers.

Nice. Probably a pretty cool skill to pick up from your old man.

A psychopath is someone born with an 18% smaller amygdala. Chase is an avid meditator from what it seems. 8 weeks of meditation has been shown to shrink the amygdala itself... So if you're a neuro who wants a taste of the pyschopath world, mediate is my current prescription... prepare yourself though, it's a 'lonely' world.

Yeah looking back I suppose meditation does allow you to disconnect emotionally easier. Always a good thing to be able to switch on and off when needed.

Cheers Doc,
-Rob

 

[Cacc]

Dr M

8 weeks of meditation has been shown to shrink the amygdala itself...

That's very interesting. Did you read this somewhere?

A psychopath is someone who created a mask

Yeah. High-functioning sociopaths are smart. They mask themselves as good and moral and use subtler manipulation tactics. The dumb ones lack impulse control, might not even wear masks, use more aggressive manipulation and usually end up in jail.

However,

We value self-reliance, respect, integrity, honesty, loyalty, & doers.

I feel like this is you wearing a mask. I'm not saying sociopaths don't have standards cus I really dont know. But I'm pretty sure if the reward is big enough you'll throw the fake morality out the window. Because at the end of the day it's not real. You're amoral.

I believe he is someone with high-emotional empathy as well as high-cognitive empathy due to his efforts but learned to turn off empathy because he doesn't like wasting his time.

He says he turns it off when the situation calls for it, although he leaves it on most of the time.

As someone with high cognitive-empathy and low emotional-empathy I wonder what are the advantages of having the latter. The only one I can really think of is I can fake an emotion so well the emotion becomes real and manipulation seems very genuine and honest.


Are you also narcissistic?

Cacc

 

[Dr. Manhattan]

Cacc,

That's very interesting. Did you read this somewhere?

Yeah, although I don't remember where. There's tons of research on it being done though since it's quite interesting and new.

I feel like this is you wearing a mask. I'm not saying sociopaths don't have standards cus I really dont know. But I'm pretty sure if the reward is big enough you'll throw the fake morality out the window. Because at the end of the day it's not real. You're amoral.

My entire post is no mask. Just because I value self-reliance, respect, integrity, honesty, loyalty, & doers doesn't mean I'm high on morals. For instance: self-reliance, integrity, honesty, loyalty, & being a doer can apply to a bank heist crew as well as a team of navy seals.

High-functioning sociopaths are smart.

I'm not sure if you're calling me a high-functioning sociopath interchangeably with psychopathy. If so, they are different. Sociopaths are created by their childhood trauma. Psychopaths are born with a shrunken amygdala. It's kind of like a lemon and lime. Most people think they're the same, but they're not even in the same pool of fruit.

Are you also narcissistic?

Do I have narcissistic personality disorder where I feel dead inside? No.
Am I high on narcissism? Extremely. I love myself, like crazy. It repulses people. I don't brag or showboat, however. I'm actually very to myself as I find that people can be very draining. I like more independent folks where I don't need to keep my mask on 100% and I can let loose a little bit and not worry about them reacting negatively. I'm more helpful than most because I enjoy solving problems and enjoy building networks. I build networks easily because I don't need anything from others emotionally. So in essence, I solve your problem and take care of your ego, you give me what I want. Some folks I can even tell them this. I'm more 'emotionally empathetic' and reactive and pro-social than most neurotypicals. I find that neurotypicals void their own social contracts when they don't feel like acting in a pro-social way. That's usually when I step in and take charge of a group. There's no room for error and laziness in life, really.

My advice to neurotypical would realize fully that you aren't your thoughts or feelings. You are the chooser. Always choosing how to be. It never stops. Ever. Ever. Ever. Not when you haven't slept for 2 days. Not when you're sad. You are still choosing.

I find that as a male, psychopathy is a blessing. A lot of psychopathic traits are valued by other men... especially if you don't work with or for them... then they get jealous. For example, I once took a job where I was doing it better than the owner of twenty years in three days. He started slandering me. Over-forcing compliance with me in order to reclaim his illusionary status. Purposefully ignoring me when I would call his name for something. If I was in his shoes, and I met someone like me, I would leave them alone and only speak to them when they came up to me for something. We wouldn't look at each other. Need to laugh with each other. Compliment each other. We would just do what we needed to do.

Anyway, towards the end, he refused my phone calls and tried stealing my $700 for that week.

I met him at his office and threatened to bat-in his knees & steal his car to only roll it into a river. Now, some people think that's me going overboard. I think stealing someone's money after they exchanged their most valuable asset and did an exceptional job which resulted in more work for you is going overboard. I don't say these things for an edge factor - like many neurotypicals like to paint me as doing; I say these things because I will do them to someone who thinks they're superhuman enough to fuck with other people's lives, but only if it really matters.

I have one good friend who calls me Hit Girl from Kick-Ass. I would have to agree. There is an example for you to look at.

 

[Dr. Manhattan]

Cheers Doc,
-Rob

Later, Rob.