How to move forwards or have a normal relationship with this female coworker?

[nostyle]

I have this female coworker who have been teasing me and making fun of me since we became acquainted. She has all the traits of that kind of girl with mixed signals and being flirtatious. Like some of the girls described in https://www.girlschase.com/content/mixed-signals-girl-what-these-mean.

I knew it from the beginning that she is playing. I don't know why she only does this to me though. Maybe just for fun or she knows I am an inexperienced guy and single. So I am not too serious too. And we kept making fun of each other and bantering back and forward. But I think sometimes she is too cheeky. She kept dissing me in front of coworkers and calling my name very load in the office so that everyone can hear it. She also likes to touch or hit my shoulders, or throw plush toys at me in the office. We are a small company so everything is so obvious in people's eyes and sometimes they will mutter about it.

She asks me out to have lunch with her team very often. My work has nothing to do with her team. She will always walk with me on the way to the restaurants or back to the office. Even if I deliberately fall behind she will come back and walk with me. Or if her team members stops to talk to someone she will just keep walking and talking with me.

Now she starts to ask me to make her coffee in the office, and beg me to deliver the coffee to her hands. I am always nice to people so I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling. But I feel this is very disrespectful so I tell her I won't bring her coffee but I will go out to buy coffee and she can join me if she likes. But she didn't comply. She just asked me to buy coffee for her and said she will pay me. I am fine with that. At least this doesn't make me look too stupid. And I let her know that I am unhappy. I thought maybe she will retreat for a while. But she wouldn't, the next week when she met me she started to compliment my new hair cut and whatnot, and told me I am her favourite person in the office. But in the course of bantering I've learnt to ignore her compliments. She asked me out to lunch again and wanted me to make her coffee. But this time I told her to come out of her team's room to get coffee and she did.

I enjoy being around a female coworker because my office job is very boring and full of guys. But I didn't want to engage in romance with a co-worker at first. She is like pushing my limit so I really want this to stop. I want to do it gracefully though. She will either be in relationship with me or stop being disrespectful. I want to ask her out to sort things out but she has this or that excuses and gave some vague answers like "maybe I can cancel a friend's dinner plan", although I just tried a couple times because work is a bit busy on my side.

Some of my friends tell me just to enjoy the flow. But sometimes I am really annoyed by her cheeky behaviors. What can I do to fast move forwards to at least to have a normal relationship with this girl?

 

[Noir]

Re: How to move forwards or have a normal relationship with this female coworker

1) Scrap the victim mentality. You let this happen by giving her too much attention and probably put her on a pedestal if we're being honest, no? You might as well have just introduced yourself by saying "Hi, my name is nostyle. I'm a really nice guy who will do anything you ask so please use me whenever you want so that way I will be entitled to a relationship with you."

Remember, men set the frame, women follow it. If she's doing XYZ, it's because you as a man did something to indicate that's acceptable behavior. By showing too much interest without anything in return, you have told her that she is free to grab as much attention from you as she wants without giving you anything for it. Basically, you just showed that your status is lower than hers.

2) You are not special, and she isn't just flirting around with you. She probably had ten other guys she does the same exact thing with when you're not watching.

3) You compromised on a request? Oh boy. Never ever compromise when someone tells you to do something you don't want to do. If she asks you to get her coffee, don't do it. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it, really, just don't do it. It's a classic shit test. Dominant men don't accept requests unless it's reasonable and necessary. Even then, you make it very clear you're not a guy who just gives out favors.

Now for the solution, the first thing you are gonna wanna do is turn yourself into a dominant guy that women want to follow. There's a ton of articles already on the website so you can go sift through them yourself.

The second thing with this woman is to just forget her. Don't worry about what she thinks or how she treats you because you can't control that, and you shouldn't feel like you want to or have to anyway, your presence should do the talking for you.

The only way your going to reframe how she sees you is by changing yourself first. But again, do not worry about how she looks at you because that will only hurt your confidence and hinder your progress as a man trying to become an Alpha male.

The best thing you need to do right now is distance yourself from her (that means keeping the conversation strictly about work and even ignoring her a little if she really persists in trying to grab your attention) and focus on improving yourself as a man by ditching the "nice guy" act and becoming an Alpha male.

Again, you can only do this by letting go of your attachment with her and moving on to other women.

- Noir

 

[nostyle]

Re: How to move forwards or have a normal relationship with this female coworker

Thanks for your long answer and for the first one to answer me.

I can relate with what you said. It’s hard to move forwards with her anyway because she likes to make mountains out of molehills and exaggerate the things I said or did in front of her and make it sound fun to other coworkers. This is really disrespectful. And I worry that if anything goes wrong with our relationship she is gonna blow out.

Now she seems to cut off it from me too but I am not very sure. She asked all other male coworkers at lunch time how they date a girl and ask a girl to become their girlfriend except me. And she talked about her bad date with a guy she met during weekend to other coworkers when I was absent. But I eavesdropped it. When she meets me it looks like she has nothing to say. I didn’t give her special interests most of the time but I think she can sense I want to approach her because she is very extroverted.

I am pretty sure she is kind of a attention seeker and just want validation from men. But I am an easy target because i am responding to her in a reciprocal manner whereas others don’t pay too much attention. Other coworkers are either married or younger than her. I am in an Asian country so most men are dominant anyway although they are usually very shy too. But this girl is an American and was born in the US. I understand all the rules in this game but I think it takes time to get used to that and I still want to treat coworkers gracefully. Like sometimes she will borrow 100 bucks from me and pays me back very soon as if she had no one else to ask for help. Saying no to her in this case seems awkward and unfriendly.