How to prevent strong love from becoming strong hatred

[metalbird]

I have an interesting pattern with my relationships with women.

While they're in motion, they always love me very deeply.
When they end, invariably, the woman winds up hating my guts.

My most recent LTR of six months just ended out of nowhere with my girlfriend accusing me of manipulation, sexual misconduct, and generally being an asshole.
Four days before she was madly in love.
What happened in between? She asked to spend the night, and I had other plans. Apparently that was the last straw.
This is a girl who is still friends with almost all of her exes, even house sits for them and takes care of their dogs and such.

When I contacted her best friend to say, basically, "I didn't actually do those things, don't call the cops on me," she said this:

Oh of course. I know, I'm not really sure what happened either. I guess she just flipped a switch in her head... I'm sorry it ended this way. This is not what I had hoped for with you two.

It makes me sad that none of my exes would take me back, in fact they all hate me with a passion.

It kind of sounds like auto-rejection. But if so, can someone explain what's going on under the hood?

 

[Richard]

In my experience this happens because women want something from you but then you consistently show that you cannot give it to them, and then they rationalize the reason you cannot give it to them is because you are not as invested in them/committed to them/fear you're giving it to somebody else/etc.

I'm not sure what the context of your relationships entail but girls don't generally accuse people of manipulation or sexual misconduct without some reason especially if it was to the point where you had to text her friend to not call the cops on you. Plus, if this is a recurring theme with all of your exes then I'm more confident that you're doing something to send the wrong signals to them.

Anyhow, I've dealt with this a few times because girls tend to fall pretty hard for me but I'm picky about who I date and so girls end up wanting a relationship from me, etc. and I won't give it to them... buuutttt these girls almost always end up trying to fuck me and after a while they get tired of feeling like I'm only using them for sex (which, I tell them straight up that I'm not going to date them) and then I become the bad guy. However, no girl still hates me to this day, and the few I keep in contact with tell me I warned them ahead of time, they didn't listen, etc. and it was just emotional defenses going up. For girls to still hate you means that you're doing something wrong.

If you can provide more details about your relationships, etc. then we might be able to help more but without the context I can only do so much.

-Richard

 

[metalbird]

especially if it was to the point where you had to text her friend to not call the cops on you

That was a bit of an exaggeration on my part, it was really just wanting to defend my reputation.

If you can provide more details about your relationships, etc. then we might be able to help more but without the context I can only do so much.

Well, my first LTR I was before I found this site, and I was a teenager and probably really needy and weak. I remember the sex was really good for both of us, but I doubt I challenged her or lead her at all. So she dumped me suddenly. I chased her, and she became disgusted with me.

My second LTR was just after college. Slightly older girl, I was 21 she was 27. In this case I was not satisfied with the sex, and ultimately cheated on her, which led to use breaking up. By this point she was 29, and blamed me for "ruining her life" and taking away the last of her best dating years.

Last LTR only lasted six months. She had an unhealthy psyche and too much baggage, to use Ricardus's words. There were issues from the beginning, but we both felt there was so much potential. Then one day she just flipped, like I described. Again, the sex was good for both of us. If I had to guess what, if anything, she wanted from me that I couldn't provide, it was emotional support -- but I don't know that anyone could provide that for her, given the internal struggles she was facing.

 

[metalbird]

Also, I just remembered, in regards to the most recent ex, part of what happened that fueled the manipulation accusations was that she found this site -- I had mentioned it in passing -- and after a cursory investigation, found that it was all manipulation and therefore I, too, was manipulating her the whole time. O.O

 

[Richard]

Ahhh gotcha,

Based on how you wrote your initial post I made some assumptions that seem wrong. If your experience with dating is limited to these three women then I wouldn't worry about it too much because it's part of the learning curve in being able to run a relationship properly.

1st experience is very typical; happened to me with my first girlfriend and subsequently the next few girls I slept with after finding GirlsChase.
2nd experience, again, is pretty typical because you start to understand what you want, and when the girl you're with isn't it you struggle to find a way to break up with her cleanly. I struggled with that for a while.
3rd experience; Yeah, if she has a lot of baggage and some psych issues (which is totally possible) then it's natural that when things don't work out the way she wants she victimizes herself and makes you the victimizer.

I'd say you're intelligent enough and seem socially aware enough to avoid problems #1 and #2 and that #3 is what you should be on the lookout for now. The very first article I wrote on GirlsChase was about expectations and the best advice I can give you is "Focus on what's in front of you." It's very easy to fall for a person because "they have potential" but that means you're into them for their potential and not for who they are in the "here and now." If you sense that there are issues and both of you seem willing to work on them then give it some time but remain objective and analyze things periodically because if she can't give you what you want (despite her "potential" to do so) then it's better for you to break things off cleanly.

Also, for women like that it becomes very draining unless you're a particular kind of man (like me). Actually just wrote up a response about this here. All too often, though, it's not worth it for a guy to stick around because it does get incredibly challenging but the experience in learning to handle women with some issues is incredibly rewarding and is one of the best ways to really develop yourself as a man.

-Richard

 

[metalbird]

Actually just wrote up a response about this here.

That sounds exactly like my most recent ex! I often felt discouraged because she was so good natured and open with her friends, but she would test me and deny me compliance to no end.

I feel like I could have made it work if I had been more experienced and developed, and that's part of what's so hard about the break up. I can definitely see your point, and I think I am your type of guy. Next time I'll be better prepared.