How to proceed from here?

[Gush]

Hey, beginner here, got a question..

met this girl last time after a long time, kind of acquaintance of mine and always thought she was really hot/out of my league (obviously didnt know about this website at that time haha ) etc. Last time we met at some party for the weekend and she seemed pretty interested in me and we ended up hooking up. Twice. We agreed we wont push it anywhere for anything serious, neither of us wants that anyway, so that was that. However I really was thinking how to approach her in case she wanted to be FWB at least.. we met again last time with group of friends and such and she kept giving signals (randomly saying that her flatmates werent at home for the 1st time in ages, that she is so happy for her friend who finally is dating some girl and is happy that at least he has someting if she doesnt have anything, went home later than planned, even though her friend already left, ...) and in general spend most time talking to me. I was thinking to go for it at that time already, but something came in and we didnt get any time on our own and when we would go towards bus station, ppl came with us (and we said during that weekend already that while with ppl, we act as if nothing had happened, so i didnt push it) so we kinda split in groups and went home.

So, how should I approach this? I do believe that my chances are pretty good for this to happen, just I've never done it before really and dont wanna be awkward when i do it and while briefly searching this website for some article on "how to ask girl to be FWB" i failed to find one.. anyone can link it? Or just give some advice really?

Much appreciated

 

[mb1]

STOP! DON'T!

FWB:

1. Sex
2. Happy
3. Sex
4. Happy

Repeat

You already ARE! She's simply waiting for you to make the move and lead her to the bedroom again WITHOUT talking about it. Do NOT have any conversations and screw this up. You already had the talk by agreeing nothing serious and she does not want any verbal confirmation of an ongoing sexual relationship. Talk with hands, eyes, lips, and dick.

 

[Gush]

Hmm, to elaborate more about my "issue" - we come from different "friend groups", so we don really randomly meed (like 1-2 times per year), which means I'd need to invite her out. This is the 1st thing, as I dont want to come out as wanting something more/inviting to date or whatever and scare her off. Next on is how I should act when I actually meed up with her? I was in similar situations before and I always blew it by being too passive and falling into friend zone eventually.. this time I dont wanna waste time and just get straight to the thing really, but unsure how?

 

[mb1]

Awesome, different friend groups makes this perfect. She'll appreciate you navigating it more private so it's out of her friends' eyes and allows her to be dirtier with you since it'll have no social risk. You've already had sex twice? If hooking up meant anything less, even oral sex, you're in a different situation.

If sex has already happened twice, she'll be happy that you desire to have more of it with her. You seem to understand that acting and doing it FAST are important, plus that the friend zone is always brought on by the guy being afraid to make the move, so initiating a private meet still must be done.

Have you talked at all over the internet or texting yet?

 

[Gush]

yeah, by hooking up I mean sex. I texted her some right after that weekend, but I had no idea what I was doing or trying to achieve.. I was just chatting really lol. Didn't write her for a while then, until we met this week again (I actually wrote her to join us and she was happy to do so), after we each left with our own group, I texted her a bit again and ended conversation that we should grab a beer another time one of these days.. she was fine with that.

Basically as I'm writing all of this, it's all already making sense in my head, however I just get nervous when I think about it since I was in this kind of situations before and I blew it multiple times - I wanna be 100% sure I don't do it again this time tho, so it's good I wrote since I was thinking how to bring up this "let's be FWB" shit up, while obviously I should avoid talking about it at all. When we meet up, how should I act? And how far should I push it? Where should be the limit, before it's gonna seem like I'm trying to push for more than just sex?

 

[mb1]

Man you're doing great here. She's already agreed to the date so from here it's just a "Hey NAME, hope your week's been going well! I could use a break from (insert studying or whatever) if you're feeling thirsty for that beer or a cocktail (NOTE gives her an enticing option and is a subtle innuendo, plus it's "that" beer implying it was already agreed) soon. Let me know how your schedule's looking and we'll slot it in" (another innuendo)

If you pursue nothing but sex, she'll either never bring it up and you'll enjoy a little bliss before it falls apart if she gets bored, or she may skip the talk right to wanting your boyfriendhood if the sex stays good. Any relationship talk should always be left for the girl to pursue so do not even bring up the idea of her having to commit to the idea of continuing to have sex with you.

So, what you can do is very subtly disqualify yourself from her viewing you as a boyfriend, then simply have a nice date of mostly getting to know HER and relating to it, while flirting and escalating sexually.

Do you have a solid logical reason that can nix commitment from her mind? Like are you even 85% likely to be moving away even 2 years from now?

 

[Gush]

Yeah, you are right.. not sure why I'm making such a big deal out of it - suppose it's because I failed to show up on multiple occasions before.

Anyway, issue with serious relationship here is that we simply don't pursue same goals in life, so I believe it is kind of out of the question. Surely who knows what can happen down the line, but at this point it just wouldn't make any sense at all for us to have anything more than just sex. I'm not afraid of relationships or anything, I'm more afraid that I'll make impression that I want something serious from her rather than just sex. (that's how I ruined it few months ago with another girl, I didn't know how to properly act, so it didn't bring us anywhere in the end, we were just somewhere in between everything - something i DON'T want to do this time around, for sure).

What I'm mostly unsure about is how to go through with the date and subtly lead it to the grand finale without making it awkward or misleading?

 

[lao che]

do we make a distinction between FWB and FB?
for me it's FB all the way. after i meet a girl for the first time (coffee, drinks, whatever) i seldom, if ever, take them out/meet them out again. it's always straight back to my place ("come help me cook dinner, bring wine" or "ok i'll let you cook [your specialty dish] for me, come over and we'll see if it's as good as you say." i'm ad-libbing this but you get my point).
if you wanna go out and have cocktails with this girl then fine, or visit a museum or whateverthefuck you wanna do, ok, but it's pretty unnecessary now, after you've already hooked up twice. mb1 is right, you're doing well as it is, you're not having a definite goal in mind, and then breaking contact for a little while, might even have helped you a little here, as she will have been confused as to your intentions

"" yeah, by hooking up I mean sex. I texted her some right after that weekend, but I had no idea what I was doing or trying to achieve.. I was just chatting really lol. Didn't write her for a while then, until we met this week again (I actually wrote her to join us and she was happy to do so), after we each left with our own group, I texted her a bit again and ended conversation that we should grab a beer another time one of these days.. she was fine with that. ""

i think you could have pulled the trigger this night, discreetly of course, and allowing for logisitics. arrange to meet and go back to your place after everyone goes their separate ways. in fact she was probably expecting it, as you invited her to join.

as for your last question, just follow a simple date model. meet for that drink, near your place, sex up the vibe a little, then seed going back to yours for whatever arbitrary reason. job done. don't make it complicated with a girl you've already banged.

 

[mb1]

True Gush - you have already had sex twice? You can very likely plan that beer in your backyard and she'll be pretty pumped there are no friends around to have to sneak away from to hook up with you during a party or something. Let us know man!

Also, it worries me that you say "I believe it is kind of out of the question". As a guy, that may be enough to feel justified spreading the seed around, but she's going to need an answer with a stronger masculine frame behind it. What's the real reason you can't see it working with this girl? From there you can whittle it into something that won't sting her, or hopefully it's just circumstantial.

Once she's aware you're not provider material and then you sexually escalate on her, she's basically accepting an open sexual relationship. From there just get some food with her and see her only every week and a half have fun!

 

[Gush]

Hey, so I was planning to ask her for a beer this week (tomorrow), but something happened last night - we went out with friends to celebrate some bday.. we were at some bar, having drinks, just randomly drinking really and out of nowhere she appeared there with her group of friends - she came to say hi and seemed really happy to see me, though I was like really drunk already at that point, was confused but obviously still happy to see her. It was definitely coincidence that we met, so we talked a bit and had some drinks, but in the end I just decided to leave the party when she went for a smoke with friends and all my folks left already.. and I had to work in the morning. Basically I left without really saying good bye or anything since she was busy (or so she seemed) and I was really drunk.

Wrote her a text today, asking how much longer they stayed, just to get some convo going, but she didn't reply back to me all day (didn't even open the message), though I 100% know that she was online on facebook (it shows you how long ago the person was online in the chat anyway). So I have no idea what's going on now.. she seems to be ignoring me or something and this kinda screws my plans for beer tomorrow lol. Had no idea what could be the reason till I started writing this and realized that I didn't say good bye, since this is the only thing I can think of that I did wrong, but she doesn't seem the kind of girl that would care about that anyway.

As for the part why I can't see us working out as a couple - from what we talked, we want different things in life. She wants to travel(she will go to travel for couple of months by end of this year also), she wants to be strong, independent woman and always hides her emotions etc... If I am to go into relationship commitment, I'd only do it with a girl where I can see future together (family, house, blah blah blah, sounds girly, I know), otherwise I rather stay single and simply keep sleeping with random girls. Seems waste of time to me unless you know it's leading somewhere, just got out of one relationship few months ago, so yeah..

 

[lao che]

"vague memories of seeing you last night ... i was shitfaced!" or whatever, keep it light, but not conversational ("oh, you stayed till 11? i guess you got a taxi home then. " "did you get something to eat later?" non of that crap). then pull the trigger. the window is closing fast here, man. might already be too late. only way to know is to escalate and see what happens.

don't frame anything you do as "something you did wrong" not saying goodbye before you left, it's not a big deal. even if you tripped and spilled your drink over her head, then puked in her lap, don't frame it as "maybe she's not talking to me because i did something wrong". except, well, don't do that and even if you did, it can still be turned around.
what can't be turned around is missing windows, and auto-rejection. so do something about it.

don't talk anything about "relationship status" with this girl, either. let her tell you what she wants out of life, in an accepting, non-judgemental way, (unless it's like a false barrier, a tease "oh you want to travel and see the world but i wanna mortgage and steady job, it's never gonna work out -- next!" ) it doesn't matter what your long-term goals are. you both will have the same short-term goal, which is to unleash your animal urges.

 

[mb1]

Lol from her perspective, she IS the submissive one, and you DIDN'T take her home and fuck her. Let us know where you're at haha maybe even use it as an opportunity to say you didn't trust yourself drunk to say goodbye to her in front of friends and tip them off to your secret love affair.

 

[Franco]

Gush,

I kind of skimmed through this one, so forgive me if I missed an important detail, but you need to get away from the idea that you need to "take her out on a date." As a matter of fact, based on what you two discussed, it sounds like neither of you want that. But it DOES seem like she would really like to have sex with you again, and hopefully if she hasn't already given up on that idea, you can get it.

You really just need to text her and ask her if she wants to hang out. You can even tell her you got a bottle of wine and need someone to help you finish it. Girls aren't stupid; they know what this means, and it's just a matter of whether or not she wants to.

I think this would have effectively worked for you, but it sounds like a lot of stuff is happening without you actually seeing her one-on-one, so I don't know how she feels about the idea of seeing you regularly for sex now. The best way to find out is to just try.

- Franco

 

[Gush]

Things went silent for a while, but met her again last night, so figured I could give a bit of an update:

A friend of ours held a party last night, we both met there for the 1st time in weeks and things were awkward at 1st. But at some point over the night, when we were leaving the place to go to a club, we started walking together and I noticed right away that she still has that spark for me.. at that point I knew how it's gonna end. We talked and hanged out for a while at the club (outside, where it was possible to talk) and she kept getting more and more flirty up to the point where we hooked up/started making out. We later left the place, went around and got the chance to talk to her - she admitted that she ignored me because she was afraid I was falling for her.. and that she didn't want to break my heart, lol. So I told her that I really didn't want any of that and that I just wanted to hook up with her and possibly have her as friend with benefits (yeah, I just went all out and told her that haha), she laughed a bit, but took it as compliment and liked the idea. I actually just started acting arrogant towards her, like a bit bossy and it seemed to work like a charm on her (read those articles that girls like the guy to be bossy and even slightly rude, thanks!).

So basically now I know that she wants me, but is afraid that I'd fall for her (though it really does feel like she is more afraid that SHE would fall for me, because the way she is looking at me and talking and acting.. just feels that way, I really wasn't giving out any wrong signs, at least not intentionally). But the situation sucks now, while she agreed that we could be friends with benefits/fuck buddies, we both still live at home and that means we are really limited on where to go for the most part (we also live pretty far apart, totally different parts of the city), that's why I couldn't take her home last night also (she refused to go anywhere since she could meet my parents or I could meet hers). Will try to work something out for this "issue".. any suggestions maybe? Hopefully I'll be able to get my own place in near future, it's been in plans for a while.

So, this is the update, in case anyone cares

 

[mb1]

Sounds like you've got to handle logistics or start getting comfortable having sex outside or in weird indoor places (it'll pay off a lot to be comfortable doing this when older so maybe think of this as a gift and get practicing). Not being able to move her towards sex locations easily seems to be preventing you from being sexual enough with her. You're just losing the bad boy spark a little bit by not taking her like a wild animal every time you see her (do that more, like grab her hand and take her in an alley or check maps and find a bar near a park to meet at next time).

It's dangerous to have a girl think you're meek around her and shy about acting on her. She wants to feel like you have a big desire for her sexually. You're in a great situation of get-to-fucking, and do it hard, then get some late night food and perhaps say something like I'll text you in a week or two.

You remind me of my buddy who lives in a resort town. He matched a girl on Tinder who asked him to fuck her in the landscaping outside a closed establishment on the way home from the bar, knowing they were 2 minutes from his apartment. It took him a second to comprehend that she wanted something wild, and fast, and playing off being the secret lover she escapes to is a huge advantage.

 

[Gush]

Yeah, you are pretty much spot on - last time we hooked up, we nearly did it on the street, some guys were whistling after us, but we didnt really care, she started putting her hands down my pants, but got stuck into my t-shirt, so i tried to pull my shirt out but she took it as if i tried to stop her (since it pulled her hand a bit, since it got stuck). I should have told her to keep going, but she backed off at that point, so that was it. But definitely was about to go down the way you described it there

Either way, since this topic pretty much died of last time and i didn't expect any more replies and more things happened since, among others I read some article here which explained her personality and actions, I opened a new topic on this, so unsure what to do, which topic to keep and which one should be closed?

Either way: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=11234