How to reach a constant level of "confidence"

[Smith]

Hey fellas,

I've been on my "journey" for almost a year now. It's crazy how much has happened since I started, but I notice a very subtle pattern of my behaviour, and it's a bit worrying.
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/560340/forum
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W7qrmg9hIs
After reading this article and watching this video, they made me wonder about a lot of things.

If you were confident and completely normal, social man before you ever heard about PUA and self help, you'd probably have more success than you do now (if you interacted to same amount of girls). Reason is that everything that will ever really work in seduction must be natural. You wouldn't have your "pickup style", you'd have your personality and expression. If you ever had any kind of relationship with opposite sex before self help and PUA, that was it.
"Lecturing birds on flying" is an excuse to create massive amounts of material which will confuse you when you socialize and prevent you from having meaningful connections which you probably forgot that you originally wanted - problem successfully created.

Self help and PUA industry brings a lot of good advice which could potentially help you, BUT there's a huge problem (trap) if you're taking advices from „life coaches“ who're NOT presenting themselves as your equals. If you often accept advices from people with past said characteristic, you're creating an authority. This authority passed your subconscious defenses which protect your confidence. Now that person can talk whenever he/she wants about how you're fucking up your life or that you're still not good enough -> you're stuck in infinite loop of f***ed up confidence. The bare fact that you've created authority lowers your confidence. If that same person presented himself/herself as your equal and said the same things, you'd probably tell him/her to f*** off. Well, that'd probably be the death of many PUA companies because people would leave the same moment when their confidence has risen.

It began to dawn on me that I might actually be stuck on this infinite loop of fked up confidence. There were times I'm really confident when I talk to girls, but whenever I go back to consuming more information put out by RSD videos or even reading other people's LR, I become less confident in my own ability to seduce girl, and this creates a vicious cycle. So I think that's why I stop reading LRs anymore (no offense to those who wants to improve and share their experience!)
Because I wasn't successful with girls before I started "pickup", I have no reference experience on what it's like to be a guy who's just good with women. Another dating coach, John Cooper, also realized the flaws in "pick up" and how he was better with women without it, and he only got into "pickup" in the first place because he was heartbroken, which is the same reason most guys got into this.
I really want to reach that level of "confidence" that's constant and unwavering. Even though I know it's bad to seek external validation, I feel like I'm subtlely doing it without being conscious of it sometimes.
So how do you reach that level of confidence/self-assurance/self-worthiness that doesn't fluctuate up and down? I don't think sleeping with more girls is a solution because it's literally seeking external validation. Creating a problem in the solution.

Cheers

 

[Lotus]

Hey Smith,

I came into PUA/GC from a different angle and have been on this journey for a shorter period of time, but here is my take. I haven't spent a lot of time on RSD or anything other then GC, beacuse when I do it feels like it's all a bunch of fluff and bullshit. Lots of tips and tricks but it doesn't address the root of the problem, improving you as a complete person! GC everything is tailored to improving with women but on the basis that you will become a better well rounded individual.

The perfect example is the forums here vs RSD. Here you get( for the most part) well thought out, respectful, responses. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I don't even know the last time I read a, "you're an idiot, you're wrong". This community has a profound respect for everyone involved. Everytime i have tried to read the RSD forum it feels like a bunch of sniveling kids and immature adults. The vibe here is completely different.... why? beacuse the material taught helps us improve overall.

So my point is as you use the material to improve with women you should be able to apply the methodologies into the rest of your life. Ideas such as persistance, mental fortitude, compasion... One specific example:

Slut-shaming culture- removing this allows you to sleep with all types of women faster, because it removes judgement. Understanding that judging people is bad overall and applying that can help you lead a more fullfilling life, especially when you see how much added stress judging people causes.

I remember one of the first articles I read talked about keeping your cool when facicing rejection, or challenges from other men. The article lead me to apply it to road rage while driving... I used to hate driving, but now i am unreactive and keep my cool and its one of the most enjoyable parts of my day.

It's these little improvements that help me maintance my happiness and confidence throughout my day/ week when i cannot pull confidence from women.

So my question is do you pull all of your confidence from pickup/women and when thats lacking you do not have confidence in other areas? Can impoving other areas of your life improve your confidence? Could you persist an extra 20 minutes in the gym/classroom/work that will pay off and make you more confident in yourself?

Is there a fallback hobby besides pickup that makes you happy?

Everytime I feel stagnanting I look back 1,6, 12 months back and say would i be happy with my progress and as long as i'm moving forward I know I'm doing better then 90% of the masses.

Kinda went on a rant here.. oops

-brum

 

[Drck]

Confidence is definitely very important, but first see the perception of the overall "seduction thing"...

Most guys have low confidence thus approaching girls is difficult, they get very anxious mainly because they are afraid that they will mess up, and they are very much afraid of rejection. It is like a big loop. Studying seduction gives the guy an insight into what is going on, thus he anxiety of unknown decreases, and hopefully confidence increases. With higher confidence it is much easier to approach girls. So the logic is, the more they study seduction the less anxious they will be, and true, it works that way too...

PUA/seduction sites are overloaded with good information, especially GC is really good thanks to Chase, and because of the overwhelming material many guys also get the impression that in order to get a good girl they have to master everything. Which is a wrong perception. A guy doesn't really have to know that much of a material (at the same time, knowledge of course doesn't hurt anyone). Some guys get for example stuck on e.g. approaching, they have the need to make the "right" approach and say the "right" words, with the "right" attitude, "right" posture, smile, dominant look, clever opener, sexy looks, right amount of phone numbers...

What a nonsense. Approach is simply an approach, just one step out of several, no need to waste time on it. There are many things guys can get stuck on because they are trying to make them perfect. On the other hand, if they were not aware of these things, they would simply move forward. Say a confident guy wouldn't know what is good or bad approach - he would simply approach and could care less how he approached.

Many guys also get stuck on the whole "seduction". They create complicated theories, and some are really weird. I mean really weird. What for? Seduction should be simple, it is a natural process, it already works between millions of species for billions of years. Don't make it complicated, don't try to re-discover it, just keep it as simple as possible...

Many guys also have lots of personal problems, and because of the personal problems they can't get girls - so they try to went their frustration through learning seduction. They try to mask the real issues through learning seductive behavior. That's another wrong thing, simply fix your life first, put it in order - and girls will flow into your life naturally...

Stop sucking money from your mom and the whole system, get a job. Stop blaming everybody around because you are hiding laziness and immaturity. Stop playing a victim so others can feel sorry for you. Put nice clothes on, work hard so you can get ahead of yourself, build your life from Zero, like a real man. You came to this world naked, and you already feel that others owe you something. You deserve clothes, safety, great jobs, and iPhone, just because you have nice eyes. That is the real issue, the entitlement everywhere you look, everybody deserves everything without moving a finger. That is wrong, you got to work for things to appreciate their value.

But see, a guy should also have some knowledge about seduction, at least the important stuff. For example, say that he is super confident. He goes and meets a girl, no problem. He likes her, she likes him, he is falling in love very fast... But now he thinks that because she likes him he is doing really good - so he starts calling her, he texts her nonstop, he overwhelms her with romance, he wants to be with her day and night... To him this behavior is normal - but she can easily perceive it as being needy, insecure, perhaps annoying... Which he is, the confidence didn't fix it.

So she may give him lots of red flags to slow down or stop his behavior, or simply state that she is no longer interested. But he is blind because of the inflated confidence, his ego is huge thus he just doesn't see it... He keeps pursuing and pursuing, and now it can become quite creepy, yet he still has no clue because he is super confident... So she rejects him quite harshly so he "gets it". Now he becomes angry, perhaps depressed because he really loved her and all he wanted was to marry her, and still not having a clue what has happened...

The time goes by, he was rejected couple of times due to the same behavior, and now because of the anger he can 'revenge' on other girls. He is still super-confident, he meets lots of other girls, but because he was already hurt - he's gonna hurt them. He sleeps with many of them, have just some sort of superficial relationship, and then he dumps them. Now he's got to sleep with 100 girls, or 400. Who knows where is the limit? They are just horny sluts to him. The whole seduction has just become a sport fuck, he's proving himself that he can do it over and over, which is just another sign of insecurity...

Confidence is just a mental attitude, feelings that what you do is right, it is mind frame... It can be related to some activity, e.g. you are good at some sport and you win many times, therefore you feel more confident. But it doesn't have to be conditioned to anything, you can be a bum, loser - yet still be overconfident. Which is better? Both. Combine both, make sure there is always something that can back up your confidence, otherwise you just look weird. Also combine confidence with happiness, that is a good combination to work on, learn to be happy regardless whether you are successful with girls or not, or whether you have money or not - and this combination WILL bring girls into your life.


So it is more about keeping a balance. Confidence is of course great, but there should be some understanding of what is happening during the interaction as well. I say spend your time about 30% on studying seduction, and about 70% interacting with girls. This way you'll get the best of it, you get the knowledge of others yet you'll still get your own valuable experience. Be aware of your goal - the goal is NOT to master seduction itself into perfection... The real goal is to get that girl, sleep with her. And there is a huge difference between these two...

 

[Smith]

The perfect example is the forums here vs RSD. Here you get( for the most part) well thought out, respectful, responses. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I don't even know the last time I read a, "you're an idiot, you're wrong". This community has a profound respect for everyone involved. Everytime i have tried to read the RSD forum it feels like a bunch of sniveling kids and immature adults. The vibe here is completely different.... why? beacuse the material taught helps us improve overall.

Same here. I only came across that post in RSD forum through that youtube video lol but yea you're right, most of their response to that post are typical fan boy response, like "I bet you don't even go out", and even their instructor seems really defensive about it without providing a good counter-argument. That made me a little more skeptical about what their teaching. On the surface, their stuff is about "having fun, giving value, Be a dominant man with purpose..etc". But subtlely it's telling you that you're not enough, hence installing this fear-based paradigm in you. I don't think it's intentional, and sometimes Tyler has really good insights on social dynamics. But consuming too much of their materials can make you feel like you're not enough to seduce girls.

So my question is do you pull all of your confidence from pickup/women and when thats lacking you do not have confidence in other areas? Can impoving other areas of your life improve your confidence? Could you persist an extra 20 minutes in the gym/classroom/work that will pay off and make you more confident in yourself?

Is there a fallback hobby besides pickup that makes you happy?

Everytime I feel stagnanting I look back 1,6, 12 months back and say would i be happy with my progress and as long as i'm moving forward I know I'm doing better then 90% of the masses.

I don't think of seduction as a hobby, but more like something you naturally do like eating and breathing.
But I think I need to remind myself about the progress I have made =) and not focused too much on my expectation because THAT makes me feel less confident.

Confidence is just a mental attitude, feelings that what you do is right, it is mind frame... It can be related to some activity, e.g. you are good at some sport and you win many times, therefore you feel more confident. But it doesn't have to be conditioned to anything, you can be a bum, loser - yet still be overconfident. Which is better? Both. Combine both, make sure there is always something that can back up your confidence, otherwise you just look weird. Also combine confidence with happiness, that is a good combination to work on, learn to be happy regardless whether you are successful with girls or not, or whether you have money or not - and this combination WILL bring girls into your life.

A lot of good points here. I think a lot of my confidence with girls come from taking a lot of action. When I'm going out a lot and talking to a lot of girls, my confidence goes up. There's probably a little validation seeking here.
But recently, I'm really busy with uni and that really limit my time to go out and socialize, and it makes me a little less confident around girls than before, so I'm just wondering what's going on here? In theory, I should have the experience to back up my confidence, but I always seem to fall back to my "old ways" if I start taking less action.