- Joined
- Aug 12, 2014
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- 1,982
Firstly I apologize if this question is impossibly general or is addressed in a convenient article, if the latter a simple pointer would set me straight.
So the problem I am having is that my dates are ending up more like a friendly catchup than an emotionally charged, attraction building encounter.
So I kinda have the pieces:
banter - check
deep diving - check
compliance - check
sexual and chase frames - check
baiting - okay but tend to reveal too much about myself
being mysterious, deflecting questions - getting better
rewarding with touch - okay but tend to use too much touch other times
punishing with indifference - okay but it has to get pretty bad before I remember to do this
tossing on a bored look - not good at this, tend to remain fully engaged
sexual stare - okay but not really clear when/how often to do this, how to introduce
I think what it amounts to is that I'm having trouble transitioning from the opener stage where I have to be "on" and actively trying to engage them and drive the conversation forward, over to more of an asshole-ish, indifferent vibe. It just feels wrong. And I'm very bad at being asshole-ish or indifferent with the result that my dates look pretty much like the opener, myself engaging her on various topics. And it keeps me busy so I'm not building tension or thinking about stuff like the points in the second half of the above list. It's a really frustrating sticking point for me.
How can I transition from my opener-personality to my date-personality without being too abrupt? Do I have to be more careful how I hook women in order not to set expectation I will drive things? Do I have to he more alert for the hook and instantly stop investing at that point to avoid setting that expectation? Or do I still remain somewhat "on" until later in the date?
More to the point how can I put a date together from the above elements, there are great articles on each but somehow I just do not have the overall picture about how much eye contact I should be using and when and how to introduce it, and how this interacts with other stuff like touch. Also is it better to sit side by side or opposite on first date, I've seen differing viewpoints, and how would my eye contact strategy vary in each case?
Please help me with this sticking point. Any comments appreciated. Even if its just to say I probably already know what to do & just need to apply it more consistently. Thanks.
cheers, Ray
So the problem I am having is that my dates are ending up more like a friendly catchup than an emotionally charged, attraction building encounter.
So I kinda have the pieces:
banter - check
deep diving - check
compliance - check
sexual and chase frames - check
baiting - okay but tend to reveal too much about myself
being mysterious, deflecting questions - getting better
rewarding with touch - okay but tend to use too much touch other times
punishing with indifference - okay but it has to get pretty bad before I remember to do this
tossing on a bored look - not good at this, tend to remain fully engaged
sexual stare - okay but not really clear when/how often to do this, how to introduce
I think what it amounts to is that I'm having trouble transitioning from the opener stage where I have to be "on" and actively trying to engage them and drive the conversation forward, over to more of an asshole-ish, indifferent vibe. It just feels wrong. And I'm very bad at being asshole-ish or indifferent with the result that my dates look pretty much like the opener, myself engaging her on various topics. And it keeps me busy so I'm not building tension or thinking about stuff like the points in the second half of the above list. It's a really frustrating sticking point for me.
How can I transition from my opener-personality to my date-personality without being too abrupt? Do I have to be more careful how I hook women in order not to set expectation I will drive things? Do I have to he more alert for the hook and instantly stop investing at that point to avoid setting that expectation? Or do I still remain somewhat "on" until later in the date?
More to the point how can I put a date together from the above elements, there are great articles on each but somehow I just do not have the overall picture about how much eye contact I should be using and when and how to introduce it, and how this interacts with other stuff like touch. Also is it better to sit side by side or opposite on first date, I've seen differing viewpoints, and how would my eye contact strategy vary in each case?
Please help me with this sticking point. Any comments appreciated. Even if its just to say I probably already know what to do & just need to apply it more consistently. Thanks.
cheers, Ray
