How to set the right expectation for any relationship

[Smith]

Hey guys,

Just read this article titled "being vague and ambiguous complicates friendships and relationships ... not sex"

http://www.examiner.com/article/bei...licates-friendships-and-relationships-not-sex

"If you as a man know that you are only interested in having sex with a woman for one-night, one weekend, or one or two months, you should express that to the woman before you and the woman even think about exchanging orgasms together." - quote from the article

I'm all for honesty, so I think the writer has a good point, and I understand how to communicate to a woman that ur not looking for anything serious before u guys have sex but....how do u communicate u want something long-term with this girl without making yourself bf material before sleeping with her? I'm sure after u told a girl u want something serious, she's gonna put the brakes on everything...so is honesty the best policy here if u want something long-term with this girl?

Chase also said that even if u want a girl as ur gf, u shuld still try to sleep with her as soon as possible, and to do that, u have to get urself out of the bf-material zone.

So yea I'm a little confuse about how this whole thing works...shud u be honest and communicate that u want something long-term with a girl before or after sleeping with her?
Which one actually gets u a long term relationship without causing too much drama?

Cheers
- Smith

 

[Franco]

Smith,

So yea I'm a little confuse about how this whole thing works...shud u be honest and communicate that u want something long-term with a girl before or after sleeping with her?
Which one actually gets u a long term relationship without causing too much drama?

So the author of this article has the right idea, but the problem is that, in reality, most of these things can't be discussed with women until after you've slept with them once. Any talk of sex or casual relationships or (especially) even long-term relationships will send a girl running for the hills. If she doesn't have those types of emotions for you yet, then she won't have any idea WHAT it is that she wants with you. And any talk to convince her that sex is the right course of action between the both of you will just come across as manipulative (at least for the first time you have it).

That being said, it is your responsibility as the man to "guide" the relationship after you have consummated with the woman. What the author does not take into account is that there is always a chase dynamic at work in any physical relationship, and chasing women, regardless of your short or long-term intentions with them, will cause them to lose attraction for you. So with that being said, when it comes to wanting to make a girl your girlfriend, you still need to let her chase you into a relationship after you two have had sex.

This means that you should not even be bringing up the IDEA of any type of formal relationship until she does because the second you start discussing it when she hasn't brought it up will make her begin to question your actual value (i.e. "I like this guy, but he's already asking me for a relationship? Are there no other women who want him? Did I misjudge his value?") You want to avoid her having any of these thoughts; remember one of the other mantras of this website: men chase sex, and women chase relationships.

Now, the important thing to take away from this article is communication and expectations. If you're casually seeing a girl that you know you don't want to have a long-term relationship with, then you need to see her less than once a week, you need to avoid taking her out on "dates," you need to avoid buying her gifts, and you need to avoid any other "boyfriend" behavior that would lead her astray. If she quickly jumps in to asking you about what it is you want (or want with her), then that's where you need to be honest and communicate that you aren't looking for anything serious or long-term. From there, it's up to her to decide whether a sexual relationship with you is what she wants or if she feels like staying with you might hurt her.

If you do want to take a girl as a long-term girlfriend or lover, then how you handle this discussion when she brings it up is obviously different. You can ask her what it is that she wants, and then you need to "consider" a relationship with her. Never make it seem like you were waiting for her to ask, but do be rather non-chalant about it when she brings it up. You can even mention that you two can "try it out" for a couple of weeks, and then go from there. She'll usually be ecstatic about this, and she'll likely try to push things forward as quickly as possible.

So I think what this guy fails to communicate in this article is that just being straight up "blunt" about what you want BEFORE sex usually does not actually lead to you getting the girl (even if that's what both of you want). While there might be the occasional experienced (usually older) woman who would be okay with having a conversation about engaging in a sexual transaction, you're likely to lose a lot MORE women by being too blunt before the sexual interaction takes place. Instead, it is ALWAYS better to go for sex as quickly as possible, and then from there, it's your job as the man to kick back and let the woman bring up the issues to you; but when she does, you need to address them very honestly and properly.

- Franco

 

[Smith]

Thanks Franco!

That makes a lot of sense now, and I just realized this is what I found with a lot of advanced guys. They communicate indirectly about what they want with the girl without actually being 'blunt' about it, and only discuss it with the girl after they've slept together a few times to make sure they're at the same page.