How to talk about serious childhood trauma.

razir110

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
256
Hi gents,

I will keep this as short as possible, otherwise this could be a book..

I was seriously hurt when I was a kid. My parents horribly neglected me emotionally. Now as an adult I have a lot of difficulties relating to people, I never had a gf and I am very shy in approaching women. I am searching for a therapist, but its off topic.

My question is, how do I tell this to a date? Like you know the part when people start talking about themselves and on the 1st date everything must be fun, light and positive.. Well unfortunately there is nothing fun or positive about "myself" Rn I am a pretty broken dude with quite an interesting life story I have to say. But I feel empty inside. And women are good at spotting this stuff. So.. what do I do? Do I speak about my traumas? I tried already, but it gives the date a heavy mood, she thinks I am broken beyond repair (she is pretty right btw..) and I had situations when I realized she was a completely inconsiderate and insensitive person. This on 1st date..

If I don't open up, I feel there is lack of chemistry there because I am hiding my true self.

So wtf do I do? By being vunerable I am being true, and girls may appreciate that, but at the same time I am conveying an image of myself that I am a liability and I may be a problem for her rather than a male support women need.

Any ideas? Can someone relate?

PS. Please don't start with "soak it up and move on" :)
 

uriel

Cro-Magnon Man
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Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
974
Prioritize going to a therapist first.

Im pretty sure there are a lot of attractive traits that you have but at the moment your identity is not rooted in them.
You need to first update your identity to a more positive and relatable one.

I wish I could help you more but I really haven’t been in your position (and I guess that’s part of the core issue… as you haven’t given me much to relate with)…
 

Starboy

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
439
I get with having to deal with a lot of trauma as a kid and it affecting you later on as an adult. But this isn't something that you should be sharing on a 1st date with a girl. Girls are gonna be turned off by all your emotional and mental issues. They're not gonna wanna date and sleep with a guy who sounds like he may be a burden. They won't take a risk on a guy like that.

It's not hiding your true self. Ideally it shouldn't be your identity you should have healed and recovered from your traumas and rewritten who you are. Be a totally different man who's moved on from the past because his present is much better and he's working towards a brighter future.


This article really taught me a hard lesson on how as a man if we want to be able to attract and keep women into our life we need to be emotionally strong. Women depend on men to be strong for their survival so it's important to need to keep holding on to bad things from the past. Yes it's not unfair that things we couldn't control happened ,but life isn't fair and we can only do the best we can with what's given to us. There is no way to change what's already happened.

Additionally this article is also very important to understand why you shouldn't be super vulnerable and pour your heart out.
 

ZacAdam

Cro-Magnon Man
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Joined
Nov 20, 2012
Messages
6,135
I get with having to deal with a lot of trauma as a kid and it affecting you later on as an adult. But this isn't something that you should be sharing on a 1st date with a girl. Girls are gonna be turned off by all your emotional and mental issues

Right....

She doesn't care. :) if she cares, or anyone cares, it must be from their state.

This does help me. :)


z@c+
 

Alpha13SC

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Joined
Sep 13, 2021
Messages
256
Short story: just be strong. Don't get frustrated about your childhood, about your trauma or anything. That s bullshit. Seek therapy and find help from a reliable source. She want a powerful man, not a boi. Even if she wants to find your weaknesses and treat you like you need help, that isn't an ideal relationship.

Chances are that we all have some kind of trauma. That s why some are narcissists, fuck a lot of women, want to be the best ever, big egos, we all have something, some defence mechanism. But we can do it to work in our favour. Natural selection at its best.
 

DownEarth

Rookie
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Joined
Dec 2, 2021
Messages
5
Hi gents,

I will keep this as short as possible, otherwise this could be a book..

I was seriously hurt when I was a kid. My parents horribly neglected me emotionally. Now as an adult I have a lot of difficulties relating to people, I never had a gf and I am very shy in approaching women. I am searching for a therapist, but its off topic.

My question is, how do I tell this to a date? Like you know the part when people start talking about themselves and on the 1st date everything must be fun, light and positive.. Well unfortunately there is nothing fun or positive about "myself" Rn I am a pretty broken dude with quite an interesting life story I have to say. But I feel empty inside. And women are good at spotting this stuff. So.. what do I do? Do I speak about my traumas? I tried already, but it gives the date a heavy mood, she thinks I am broken beyond repair (she is pretty right btw..) and I had situations when I realized she was a completely inconsiderate and insensitive person. This on 1st date..

If I don't open up, I feel there is lack of chemistry there because I am hiding my true self.

So wtf do I do? By being vunerable I am being true, and girls may appreciate that, but at the same time I am conveying an image of myself that I am a liability and I may be a problem for her rather than a male support women need.

Any ideas? Can someone relate?

PS. Please don't start with "soak it up and move on" :)
I hear ya!! I apologize for having no advice... :(
 

metalbird

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Sep 20, 2015
Messages
114
Listen, I will tell you the most important thing for you to understand as someone with a background such as you describe.

Consider two narratives.

1. Once upon a time, a man young man was betrothed to a beautiful young girl. He was intelligent and successful; unfortunately, another man in the village, who was cruel and powerful, wanted his fiancé for his own. So he arranged for the murder of one his enemies, and, he framed the honest young man for the crime. The local Duke locked the young man away in a horrible dungeon where he could not see the light of day. He was kept in chains for many years, such that his body withered. Eventually, after many years in total darkness and isolation, the young man's spirit broke. He stopped eating. He lost his strength. Finally, one cold winter night, he died of exposure. The guards took his shriveled body and threw it into the sea. THE END

2. Once upon a time, a man young man was betrothed to a beautiful young girl. He was bright and happy; unfortunately, another man in the village, who was cruel and powerful, wanted his fiancé for his own. So he murdered of one his enemies and framed the honest young man for the crime. The local Magistrate locked the young man away in a horrible dungeon where he could not see the light of day. However, the young man did not forget the image of his fiancé's face. Even in chains, he worked his body every day, maintaining his strength. When another inmate was sick or died, he would take the deceased's food and belongings. He worked out a plan to escape. Finally, after many years, he got his chance.

The young man escaped from the prison and jumped into the sea. Everyone assumed he just died, but, because of his great strength, he swam through the freezing waters and found his way to land. He used the knowledge he had gained from listening to other prisoners to find a lost, buried treasure, and with this he became wealthy and powerful. Under his new identity, he climbed through the social ranks, eventually getting revenge on the man who framed him and deposing the crooked magistrate. He found his fiancé, but now, she was no longer interesting to him. He had surpassed her. Eventually, he retired to a life of luxury and power, with a multitude of elite women at his side. THE END

--------------------------------

The second story is a basic adaption of The Counte of Monte Cristo, but you may see similarities with many stories, from Les Miserables to Batman. Now ask yourself, why is this story so powerful?

Why don't we just start the story with a strong, powerful man who goes around and destroys all his enemies, all the while fucking beautiful women? That would be more like the story of James Bond, which is a pleasant, modern fantasy meant to offer easy entertainment to a common audience. I.e. WISH FULFILLMENT... These older, richer stories are more powerful because the show what is possible for a man who challenges the adversity around him, no matter how dark.

So, how do you talk about serious childhood trauma? Tell a story of victory and success. That might not mean "saying" anything, in terms of words... Or it might not mean divulging all the details of your life to people who aren't worthy to know them (yet). But it means your presence, your words, your bearing and gravitas, the way you speak, and the way you treat other people, all reflect that inner journey of battling back from very deep darkness.

The first step to telling that story is living it yourself. I don't know exactly where you are along that journey, but it sounds like you are through the worst of it. Keep building yourself. Keep getting stronger. Help other people who are weaker than you, and stand up to the bullies who think they are stronger than you. (If you think these scenarios don't exist in real life, I promise you they do, if you look around.)

And one day, when you tell people your story, you will be able to tell them all the disgusting, awful, gory details of what you went through, and then say, "and look where I am now". And everyone, women included, will hear your story and realize that they too have struggles... they also have shit they don't want to deal with, traumas of one form or another that they really wish they knew how to overcome... If only someone could teach them how, lead them to victory if you will...

Hope that helps.
 
Last edited:

MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Dec 13, 2019
Messages
161
Hi gents,

I will keep this as short as possible, otherwise this could be a book..

I was seriously hurt when I was a kid. My parents horribly neglected me emotionally. Now as an adult I have a lot of difficulties relating to people, I never had a gf and I am very shy in approaching women. I am searching for a therapist, but its off topic.

My question is, how do I tell this to a date? Like you know the part when people start talking about themselves and on the 1st date everything must be fun, light and positive.. Well unfortunately there is nothing fun or positive about "myself" Rn I am a pretty broken dude with quite an interesting life story I have to say. But I feel empty inside. And women are good at spotting this stuff. So.. what do I do? Do I speak about my traumas? I tried already, but it gives the date a heavy mood, she thinks I am broken beyond repair (she is pretty right btw..) and I had situations when I realized she was a completely inconsiderate and insensitive person. This on 1st date..

If I don't open up, I feel there is lack of chemistry there because I am hiding my true self.

So wtf do I do? By being vunerable I am being true, and girls may appreciate that, but at the same time I am conveying an image of myself that I am a liability and I may be a problem for her rather than a male support women need.

Any ideas? Can someone relate?

PS. Please don't start with "soak it up and move on" :)

Do you have any hilarious stories from your childhood?

I was talking to a chick and mentioned how my parents one summer when I was ten cut a tree down in my back yard. This was a gigantic fucking tree with gigantic roots.

So they gave me a pick axe and literally spent an entire summer pick axing giant tree roots in my back yard.

Usually to segway into this conversation I talk about getting some new plants and use how rosemary is both easy to grow and good. *[Which also subtly implants I’m a good cook and responsible]

Does this advice help? Pretty much with the way I’ve written this I’ve given you two concepts.

Option 1) Conversational segway into a separate topic

Option 1 allows you to avoid the topic because you don’t want to talk about it.

Option 2) Use it as a peacocking opportunity

Option 2 allows you to talk about the topic if you want too.

If you need some clarification I can throw up another example. I have lived a very eclectic lifestyle.

MusT0
 

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
tribal-elder
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
707
Hi gents,

I will keep this as short as possible, otherwise this could be a book..

I was seriously hurt when I was a kid. My parents horribly neglected me emotionally. Now as an adult I have a lot of difficulties relating to people, I never had a gf and I am very shy in approaching women. I am searching for a therapist, but its off topic.

My question is, how do I tell this to a date? Like you know the part when people start talking about themselves and on the 1st date everything must be fun, light and positive.. Well unfortunately there is nothing fun or positive about "myself" Rn I am a pretty broken dude with quite an interesting life story I have to say. But I feel empty inside. And women are good at spotting this stuff. So.. what do I do? Do I speak about my traumas? I tried already, but it gives the date a heavy mood, she thinks I am broken beyond repair (she is pretty right btw..) and I had situations when I realized she was a completely inconsiderate and insensitive person. This on 1st date..

If I don't open up, I feel there is lack of chemistry there because I am hiding my true self.

So wtf do I do? By being vunerable I am being true, and girls may appreciate that, but at the same time I am conveying an image of myself that I am a liability and I may be a problem for her rather than a male support women need.

Any ideas? Can someone relate?

PS. Please don't start with "soak it up and move on" :)

When you say that by talking about it, you are being 'true', true to what exactly?

The way I see things, in the case of a bad experience or trauma, there are two components - the action (what happened) and the reaction (how you are affected by it). When you are being 'true' are you being true to the objective event, or true to your emotional reaction to it?

Generally (and especially for the female follower mentality) what someone judges is not the original event so much as your reaction to it.

If I tell a girl that someone punched me in the face, that's just information. She doesn't really care (maybe if it happens a lot I suppose) but she may be very interested in how I reacted to it. If I go on to tell her "I felt so bad that I had to go and hide in the basement and play video games for a month to forget about it" or I tell her "well it hurt like hell, but I knocked that guy out" she's going to have two different perceptions of me.

So here's the thing: when you feel like you need to be honest, it's probably not that you feel the need to be objectively honest - it's that you feel the need to communicate to her what you think of yourself as a result.

If you don't have a great perception of yourself as a result of what happened, that's something that is definitely not a good idea to talk about on a first date. Because she does not know your life, all the context involved, she doesn't know your struggles and how far you have come. It's something you could never tell the whole story of in one date, even if all you did the entire time was discuss it.

That's why it's good to hold back, not because of dishonesty - everyone has secrets and skeletons - but because it is neither the right time nor the right place to be able to communicate it effectively.

What she wants to know on the date is: do you like eachother, will you get along together, will you be able to satisfy eachother and have fun together? Those are the questions you need to answer. Maybe some time, far down the track, there will be a time for more clarity - but always remember that while an event cannot be changed, your perception of it can, and what you say about it now might not be what you feel about it later.

And in the end, a girl is not your mother or father or guardian angel. She is your lieutenant, your first mate, your sidekick. What enables her to be satisfied and happy in a relationship, capable of effectively doing her job and enjoying herself doing it, is not necessarily the whole truth. And for a girl the result is what counts, the end you bring always justifies the means by which you do it. That's why you're the leader, why she follows and submits, so she can live inside a simpler reality with the boundaries you set, while you deal with what lies outside of them.
 
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