I’m in love with my lesbian coworker. How do I handle this?

[AngryMan]

I’m in love with a lesbian coworker. I was professional and uninterested when we first met because I didn’t think there was even a chance but she asked for my number and slowly things got a little personal.

I’m pretty sure there was mutual attraction. She wanted to spend nights together and she once told me she had a sex dream about me. Regardless I fumbled it hard with my indecisiveness. I made myself look silly by being passive aggressive afterwards when I sensed she was seeing other people. I did decide to distance myself from her in the end and that helped to take my mind off of things.

Fast forward a couple of months of minimal contact and we have started reconnecting again this month. I was playing cautious and was mostly professional but she is once again initiating a more personal contact. It hit me tonight though that I haven’t moved on at all. I feel helplessly drawn to her.

She says and does things to make me think she is interested but this whole thing feels drawn out. The rational part of me wants to just take the L and move on permanently but my heart is saying otherwise.

I don’t feel comfortable chasing so my only options are to be honest and direct (will definitely come off strong) or to just cut her off again.

Any insights or suggestions appreciated.

 

[Warped Mindless]

So, how many new women did you talk to last week?

 

[AngryMan]

So, how many new women did you talk to last week?

Fair enough haha. I approached two girls and got one number. I know what you mean though

 

[Bill]

A lot of women claim to be lesbians but are actually still attracted to men. Is there any reason you haven’t tried making a move yet if she’s showing interest?

 

[AngryMan]

A lot of women claim to be lesbians but are actually still attracted to men. Is there any reason you haven’t tried making a move yet if she’s showing interest?

Like I said I was not in a good place when it first happened. She is lesbian and very attractive so I convinced myself that she was just being nice. I eventually caught onto it because she stopped being subtle but I still fumbled.

She wanted someone to hang out with low key and have fun but I caught feelings. I didn’t move fast enough and let slip that I was interested in a serious relationship. She withdrew and I did the same shortly after.

 

[Bill]

Like I said I was not in a good place when it first happened. She is lesbian and very attractive so I convinced myself that she was just being nice. I eventually caught onto it because she stopped being subtle but I still fumbled.

She wanted someone to hang out with low key and have fun but I caught feelings. I didn’t move fast enough and let slip that I was interested in a serious relationship. She withdrew and I did the same shortly after.

I can’t really tell from what you’ve said here if directly making a move would work or not. If she’s not currently interested you might be able to try this technique I’ve seen Adam Lyons share, basically you create distance and during that time develop to be more attractive and create a social circle, then use that as an excuse to meet her again and demonstrate the preselection.

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[Rakehell]

I’m in love with a lesbian coworker.

Doubt it. You have oneitis, you’re infatuated. Seems like you’re caught up with the “what if” dynamic of the relationship. The prospect of what could be, fantasizing, idealizing, probably pedastalizing her as a person.

She says and does things to make me think she is interested but this whole thing feels drawn out.

Because you’re waiting on her to take charge and drive the relationship forward. If she’s signaling you, and everything is telling you that there is mutual attraction there; it’s on you to make opportunities for yourself to drive the dynamic forward. She won’t do it for you both.

I don’t feel comfortable chasing so my only options are to be honest and direct (will definitely come off strong) or to just cut her off again.

I don’t really like the first option for you. I have a post on here somewhere about how I go about it. But it’s all in vain if you can’t keep your cool and take things to another level naturally. Spilling your feelings out to her will scare her away quick.

Seriously you aren’t in “love” with her, you haven’t kissed her let alone put your dick in her. Try to shoot that down as even a possibility.

 

[ulrich]

Move on.

This one has just too many things going against you.

 

[Zoro]

The problem is not with this situation.

Take a step back and look at it. You'll see that you need more options, and you're trying to damage control.

You're in the right place, learn how to upgrade your dating life.

The ironic thing is that leveling up and moving on is probably the best chance at getting this girl's interest again, because that's what an attractive man would do.

But it doesn't work if you do it for that reason, take this path for yourself and really move on from her. There are tons of hot lesbians out there to seduce.

 

[POB]

She is not a lesbian.
She is bi.
Real lesbians never want to put a man in a sexual context.

 

[Skills]

I’m in love with a lesbian coworker. I was professional and uninterested when we first met because I didn’t think there was even a chance but she asked for my number and slowly things got a little personal.

I’m pretty sure there was mutual attraction. She wanted to spend nights together and she once told me she had a sex dream about me. Regardless I fumbled it hard with my indecisiveness. I made myself look silly by being passive aggressive afterwards when I sensed she was seeing other people. I did decide to distance myself from her in the end and that helped to take my mind off of things.

Fast forward a couple of months of minimal contact and we have started reconnecting again this month. I was playing cautious and was mostly professional but she is once again initiating a more personal contact. It hit me tonight though that I haven’t moved on at all. I feel helplessly drawn to her.

She says and does things to make me think she is interested but this whole thing feels drawn out. The rational part of me wants to just take the L and move on permanently but my heart is saying otherwise.

I don’t feel comfortable chasing so my only options are to be honest and direct (will definitely come off strong) or to just cut her off again.

Any insights or suggestions appreciated.

She is not a lesbian, the strategy is to treat this as getting out of friendzone strategy...Being honest and direct only works if timing is right if compliance and investment there, otherwise the spilling guts out strategy when guys on neediness and onitis doesn't work...

 

[Conquistador]

She wanted someone to hang out with low key and have fun but I caught feelings. I didn’t move fast enough and let slip that I was interested in a serious relationship. She withdrew and I did the same shortly after.

If a lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that usually doesn’t mean she wants a serious relationship. FB/FwB or nothing bro

Also, obviously her reputation in the subculture could be affected if she goes public.

 

[Skills]

If a lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that usually doesn’t mean she wants a serious relationship. FB/FwB or nothing bro

Also, obviously her reputation in the subculture could be affected if she goes public.

When I was newer I thought if the girl is bi she was a lesbian common with newer guys that don't understand secret society or Madonna whore.

 

[POB]

If a lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that usually doesn’t mean she wants a serious relationship. FB/FwB or nothing bro

Also, obviously her reputation in the subculture could be affected if she goes public.

Lesbians are not attracted to men, period.
Hitting on them is like a gay dude hitting on you, feels very uncomfortable.
Bi-sex otoh may act a bit lesbian because of social pressure from her group, but they crave cock and love to get a nice man in bed.

 

[ulrich]

Lesbians do not exist, guys.

If a “lesbian” is feminine and attractive, she is very likely to be bi and will be open to have sex with a man if properly seduced (I have done it multiple times… actually these kind of girls are easy lays).

If a lesbian is masculine and acts and dresses like a guy, why are you even paying attention to her?

Therefore, lesbians do not exist.

———

That being said, there are a lot of things going against OP and the “lesbian” thing is just one.
- Girl’s reputation as a lesbian
- She is a coworker
- He is infatuated
- He already set up a bad precedent

This one is a dead-end.

 

[Rakehell]

- Girl’s reputation as a lesbian
- She is a coworker
- He is infatuated
- He already set up a bad precedent

This one is a dead-end.

I actually dont think it’s unsalvageable. If what he’s saying is true, she showed him major interest and he didn’t escalate the situation so she stopped.

In her mind she probably thinks he’s unavailable/ and or uninterested. He never even tried so she can’t really rationalize that he’s actually afraid. Which would be a turnoff.

It’s reading like he’s been romanticizing the situation without any concrete actions that she can glom on to. So I can’t really call it bad precedent.

Though I do agree him being infatuated will probably lead to him fumbling down the line, if he can’t compartmentalize his thoughts from his actions.

That and since she’s a coworker, probably shouldn’t even attempt if he doesn’t know how to handle things down the line.