I'm a beginner myself, but a lot of what you're saying is
very similar to what I've been going through for a few months. In fact, I
highly recommend that you take the
Briggs-Myers Personality Test, since you sound very much like my own type (INFJ). INFJs are introverts, perfectionists, obsessed with self-improvement, have very high standards when it comes to friends and relationships, and much prefer meaningful connections (relationships) to casual ones (one-night stands). Furthermore, they are said to have the highest dissatisfaction rate in their relationships because of their perfectionist tendencies. You seem to have all of these traits, and I sure as hell do.
Because of these similarities, I'll draw on personal experience to try and explain why you might feel this way.
MisterX said:
I never liked just casual sex and wanted to find a quality girl that I got along with and to start a relationship.
As you can guess, I'm not a big fan of casual sex either. In fact, I'm still a virgin by choice, since my aversion to fast sex it is holding me back from taking things to the next level with girls. I view it as a necessary step toward bettering myself and my skills with women, which in turn will help me when I have a girlfriend/wife. You appear to have a similar approach.
Why am I hesitant to have casual sex? I think it boils down to the good ol' nature vs. nurture arguments.
1. Nature (Genetically-determined personality type) -- As stated above, my personality type makes me introverted, prefer meaningful connections, etc.
2. Nurture (Society/culture/family/friends/learned experiences) -- I had a very conservative upbringing around many conservative people. As a result, I internalized these ideas (like waiting until marriage for sex), which makes it very hard to suddenly do a 180-degree turn (having sex on a first date).
Of course, I don't know where you stand in terms of nurture, but nature-wise, as I stated, you seem to crave connection and meaning, which one night stands don't seem to satisfy, no matter how much you deep dive the girl. However, if you had an upbringing like mine, that might also compound the negative feeling toward it.
MisterX said:
I think I know what happened. As I said I wanted a quality girl that I could date. But it seems all the girls in my age group: 18-22 are really not relationship material. And btw a big deal-breaker for me is if a girl is a lefty/liberal/democrat/etc. I don't mind conservative girls but lefties make me cringe. As I said I'm into the non-initiation of force and non-use of violence unless in self-defence.
So I just decided that all women are like that and there's no point in meeting any girls since they're all the same.
I've read that there are some unicorns but to be honest I've never in my life met a girl that I'd say is worth dating. And I've approached and gone out with a lot of women.
But for the past 9-12 moths I've lost all interest in women. It's like I'm a-sexual. When I'm out and a super hot girl passes me by I don't even look or feel any interest in her.
It seems like you're now generalizing every girl you meet. Again, I may be wrong here, but I believe your thought process looks like this:
See a beautiful girl --> Sleep with her --> "Well, she was a liberal and wasn't good relationship material, but maybe the next one will be better" --> Repeat process multiple times --> "Ugh, none of these girls have what I'm looking for" --> See a beautiful girl --> "Eh, she's probably just another super liberal girl without any good relationship qualities, so she's not attractive to me" --> "All girls are the same" --> You no longer feel attracted toward
any girls, since they all look the same
So it's safe to say that if an extremely attractive girl passed you, you would not pay much attention to her. Subconsciously, you'd probably think to yourself, "She's just another girl like all the others, and she's not interesting to me in the slightest."
But let's say you were walking with a friend, and that exact same girl walked by. Again, you don't pay her any attention. But then, your friend says, "Oh wait, I recognize that girl from one of my classes. She looks like the super liberal, having-sex-like-crazy type, but she's actually a libertarian, is very down-to-earth, and prefers relationships. Not only that, but she's actually very well-read and talked about
Atlas Shrugged in our class discussion; she was really interested in it."
After this, I'm willing to bet your attraction would heighten quite a bit for this girl and you'd go talk to her.
MisterX said:
Has this every happened to anyone else? Just feeling like there's no point in even trying anymore. Was is permanent like you just lost interest in women forever. Or was it just a phase. It's kind of an emotional topic that I'm not comfortable talking about with my friends of family, so I came here to see if I'm the only one going through this.
Luckily, I highly doubt it's permanent. Again, it's not a problem of not liking girls, it's a problem of wanting to find a specific girl.
As for addressing this issue, I'm much less knowledgeable that the other, more experienced guys on these boards. Regardless, I've learned quite a bit as of late, so here are the things I suggest doing:
1. Talk to a counselor to address some underlying issues in your thinking. For example, black and white thinking (girls are either great relationship material or not), generalizations (all girls are the same), your perfectionism, etc. Furthermore, you seem to be having a bit of an existential crisis ("What's the point?") and perhaps even some depression. I don't say this out of judgement -- I have tons of mental issues that I'm working through right now, including all of the things I just listed, and counseling is invaluable for this. Sometimes, it's just nice to have someone listen to you.
2. Start looking for girls in appropriate venues. You prefer more conservative-leaning, intellectual girls, so perhaps you can start approaching in a book store, or join a similarly-minded social circle. Also, since 18-22 year old girls are generally more inclined to have casual relationships, like you said, perhaps you can start looking for slightly older women (23-25). As long as you keep solid fundamentals and be dominant, you shouldn't have a problem pulling slightly older women.
3. Talk to as many girls (and guys, if you want to find solid friendships) as possible, screen them early, and learn to remove judgement. Statistically, you'll eventually run into a person you really like. The key is to talk to tons of people to increase your chances of finding these people in the first place. I understand that meeting people is a bit of a hassle (
believe me, I know how that feels), but you have to think about this logically -- would you rather do nothing and hope an amazing girl walks into your life, or would you rather approach tons of girls until you find a really great one?
And if you want to limit the casual sex you have, you should work on screening as quickly as possible, without seeming forced. If you do this efficiently, you can quickly gauge whether or not you'll continue a conversation with someone.If the girl isn't your type, you can thank her for her time and move on after a few minutes of talking. If she piques your interest, you can set up a date and see where it goes from there.
Furthermore, it's important that you remove judgement. I'm not necessarily saying you're a judgemental person, because you could very well be warm to everyone, but it seems like your overgeneralizations ("All girls are the same") are hurting you. Because you're starting to believe this, you're falling victim to confirmation bias, and only see what you want to see. So even if a girl is politically moderate, one liberal comment might be enough to make you auto-reject and start subconsciously judging her. Remember that most girls in this age group (18-22) are very idealistic and inexperienced, so many naturally have very leftist viewpoints. However, I've talked to multiple girls without these viewpoints, so they definitely exist. And again, this is where older women might come in handy.
Also, girls can sense judgement very easily. So if they feel vulnerable and you are judging them, they'll close off, making them less interested in you (or a relationship with you) by default.
But so long as a girl isn't a crazy liberal (you don't want to associate with them -- they don't see logic), she will probably respond well to you. After all, Chase says that girls like guys who disagree with them and don't buy into feminism and all that bullshit (as long as you stay sexy about it and don't get defensive), so your differing viewpoints will actually attract them more. And if you establish your masculinity, she'll naturally be more feminine and submissive, setting up a more favorable relationship dynamic.
Now, you've also got to take into account your skill level with girls, and this is where an issue springs up. In order to attract high-quality girls, you have to have good skills with girls. But to have good skills with girls, you have to have lots of one night stands.
You mentioned how you've had casual sex in the past, but here's the question -- Is this enough experience for you? Will it be good enough to pull the types of girls you really want? If you're fine with where you are, then by all means, devote your time to finding a girlfriend. But if you're still not at the seduction level you want, then you'll still have to pull some girls to get there. I know the latter situation would not be ideal for you, but it's a necessity to improve your skills enough so that when you
do find a girl you really like, you'll be able to attract her with ease.
-----
As someone going through a lot of what you're facing at the moment, I know that this is a tough place to be in. On one hand, we obsess over self-improvement, and we know that the only way to improve with girls is to sleep with them. But at the same time, our root personality type makes us crave meaningful connections, making us averse to casual sex.
There's no easy solution, but I hope all of the above helps. I'll be working with this for months (years?) to come, so know you aren't alone.
