FR I turned into a Pussy overnight.

[Bboy100]

Ok, so I went out with a friend today. It was at a dance club. For some reason, I felt really "off" tonight. Normally, at this point I can talk to girls and build attraction on autopilot. Instead, I behaved the way I did two months ago for some reason. I felt really anxious and "stuck in my head" the whole time. I missed several easy approaches. And the few approaches I did do went to shit for some reason. Usually, I just couldn't hold up the conversation. It's like, I'd say "Hi" then I had nothing else to say.

I'm not really 100% sure why I felt so different tonight. But here are a few theories:

1. I didn't eat well today. I kinda let myself go and had a lot of ice cream and not much of anything else

2. I cut my workout short. I'm in physical therapy and my injured spot started hurting. I was intructed to stop lifting if this happened.

3. I had three dates flake on me this week, I feel like I've generally been getting less dates, and I feel less confident in what I'm doing (because of said lack of dates). This has been a serious blow to my confidence. I've kinda felt a sense of self doubt creep into me for some reason. <----This one is very worrisome and probably deserves its own post. Because I'm afraid it may not be temporary.

4. Maybe unrelated- but I did fap twice that day (not something I normally do!). From what I hear, this is a sap on sexual energy, and it also may increase anxiety. Overall, not very good for outings.

5. The Dj was shit. I wasn't really enjoying the music or the vibe of the club. They normally have better music at that club.

Overall, I felt very low-energy and anti-social.

 

[Smith]

Bboy,

It happens to the best of us. I found that negative momentum start to build up with something small, such as missing your workout, not talking to anyone..etc, then it snowballs into something bigger. I have found Tyler's advice on building momentum pretty useful. Meditate first to clear your head, then start doing something small, i.e. say hi to that guy, then make eye contact with that girl, then say hi to another girl. Here's the most important part, give yourself props for each action. Don't judge yourself. Every interaction is 100 out of 10. Take small steps and build it up every time you go out.

3. I had three dates flake on me this week, I feel like I've generally been getting less dates, and I feel less confident in what I'm doing (because of said lack of dates). This has been a serious blow to my confidence. I've kinda felt a sense of self doubt creep into me for some reason. <----This one is very worrisome and probably deserves its own post. Because I'm afraid it may not be temporary.

I think this is worth addressing, because it looks like your ego is taking a hit by these flakes. Ask yourself this, do you need women to feel good about yourself?
I remembered there was a time when I felt like I NEEDED to get a date this week or I feel like I wasn't good enough. I can tell you it was exhausting and draining, and I was constantly worrying and micromanaging the interaction in order to get my desired outcome. This neediness bled through my interactions with women naturally. Maybe now is a good time to take a step back and enjoy other things in life. Then you can come back and look at it from a better perspective on what you could do to improve. I can not stress this enough. Don't judge yourself if you can't get dates or you get flaked. Calm down first and let it go, then you are able to look at it from perspective without being attached to the outcome.

Good luck!

 

[RDawg]

BBoy

ehhh, don't worry about it buddy! We all have these nights were we miss some easy opportunities or just aren't in the mood. All those theories your listed could have effected you or not. Ya, never really know but I wouldn't look too much into those. At the end of the day, at least you got out and are looking to improve your game. I'll have nights like these too every once in a while and sometimes all it takes is one good approach or kill and then your flying high the rest of the night or the next few nights. Just keep going out and eventually things will turn around. It's like gambling, you win some, you lose some.

Rdawg

 

[Mr.Rob]

Everyone is entitled to a bad night... don't sweat it too hard.

 

[demainor]

i sympathize man, all am getting from girls is "l'll think about it" or even worse "l'll tell you when am free" and you're left wondering whether pushing for more looks needy or just next them. but nextings isnt that easy either since its multiple girls, leading to the conclusion that theres sthng you should work on. But we all knw its just a numbers game, and each one you next brings you closer to that lay report. So we keep on pushing.

 

[Bboy100]

I guess I should've clarified what my real concerns were. It's not that I care that I didn't have any results that night (i.e. no #'s, kisses, lays or even positive reactions). Like you guys said, everyone has an off-night. And it's a game of asymmetrical returns. What concerned me is that my behavior wasn't the same. I felt insecure, anxious and "stuck in my head". And also, I behaved in a value-taking way. Like, I was not genuine in my approaches. I was doing it (or trying to anyways) in order to get some sort of result. Not because I unconditionally hoped to give girls a good conversation or a good time or whatever. This usually isn't the way I behave anymore. I also seemed to care what they would think of me a lot more. I had a lot of those weak mentalities which I thought I eliminated creep back in. Like "Oh, I shouldn't approach her, I'd be bothering or". Or, "I won't have anything to say, so there's no point in talking to her". That's what concerned me.

But it sounds like based off what you guys are saying, fluctuation in mood and in behavior and even mentality is completely normal?

I think this is worth addressing, because it looks like your ego is taking a hit by these flakes. Ask yourself this, do you need women to feel good about yourself?

The answer is yes. It seems my ego and my confidence is taking a blow. However, this isn't about having women per say. But perhaps your advice will work all the same. It's about making forward progress. I feel like if I'm not getting dates, I'm losing progress as opposed to gaining it in my skill as as seducer. This is kinda what's alarming to me. It also seems to be causing a little bit of social anxiety.

 

[Smith]

http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-4/

Read this brother. I think your core issue isn't "outer game" or your skills, but more about your insecurity about yourself as an attractive man. Hence, thoughts like "Oh, I shouldn't approach her, I'd be bothering or". Or, "I won't have anything to say, so there's no point in talking to her" comes up. Learning seduction/pick up can sometimes only be treating the symptoms rather than the root of the problem, and we often get blinded by all the "success", until one day it hits us big.

 

[demainor]

Funny, your describing me almost minutely the only difference being that l dont think am unattractive, l just know we are in that plateau that everyone talks about in regards to gaming. where you're putting in a lot of work but nothing seems to be going your way, but the small things are accumulating behind the back ground until one day you wake up and instead of the sllow and steady progression you had witnessed in the first years and weeks of pick up you have made an entire jump to another level of gaming, like an stair step instead of ramp, if that makes any sense.

So we grind on, knowing we'll get there. Take the things in stride and approach approach approach and escalate and next till you're sick of it all.

 

[Bboy100]

Read this brother. I think your core issue isn't "outer game" or your skills, but more about your insecurity about yourself as an attractive man. Hence, thoughts like "Oh, I shouldn't approach her, I'd be bothering or". Or, "I won't have anything to say, so there's no point in talking to her" comes up. Learning seduction/pick up can sometimes only be treating the symptoms rather than the root of the problem, and we often get blinded by all the "success", until one day it hits us big.

Very interesting read. It brings up a lot of big questions. I could even go so far as to ask what exactly I'm doing on GC to begin with if we accept everything he wrote. Having said that, I don't think I'm a compensatory narcissist nor a co-dependent.

The article suggests that the of cause of co-dependence stems from narcissist parents. This doesn't seem to reflect on how my parents are. They never bossed me around or consistently wanted me to fulfill their desires or anything like that. The only thing I can say is that they never told me things like "I'm proud of you", "Good job", "I love you" etc. But even that's nbd because they were always heavily implied. The only form of disappointment/want that they had from me was the idea that I should always be very academically successful. As a child in particular, they expected nothing of me other than A's. They were more or less disappointed with anything else. At the same time, I feel like every parent wants academic success from their child. So I wouldn't call that narcissistic behavior.

Also, I would never for the life of me seek a relationship with a pure narcissist. Nor do I have interest in a co-dependent girl. I'd always prefer more genuine and "normal" girls.

Having said that, given the fluctuation in mood and in confidence, I wouldn't be surprised if I had some internal issues that I need to work out. Unfortunately, even if we do accept that this is the case, I really don't know where I would go from here. Because obviously, if we accept the premise of the article (which I do), practicing pickup isn't really a solution.

So I guess the big questions I'm left with are:
1. Was this weekend just a bad weekend (I had several bad nights!)? Or did the flakes/something else entirely actually shake up my confidence...as he article suggests might be the case,
2. If I do have internal issues that need to be dealt with, how do I figure out what they are?
3. Even if I figure out what they are, how would I go about solving them?

...I even talked to my therapist about this earlier today (I didn't mention the article. I simply told him that I had a bunch of dates flake on me, and ever since then, I've been feeling a sense of social anxiety and lack of confidence in social situations), and he really had nothing of use to say on the topic.

 

[lao che]

...I even talked to my therapist about this earlier today (I didn't mention the article. I simply told him that I had a bunch of dates flake on me, and ever since then, I've been feeling a sense of social anxiety and lack of confidence in social situations), and he really had nothing of use to say on the topic.

this pretty much sums up my opinion of therapy. i don't know enough about you so i don't want to be too harsh, but i have a very dim view of therapy/analysis. i don't think therapy is a place for anybody to be, especially a young man.
better to go chop wood for an hour. or climb a mountain. swim in a lake. cook something. do something where you're body is active but your brain is free to wander. (i'm sure there's a term for such activities, can't remember now) let your thoughts wander and see where it takes you. therapise yourself.
and for everything else, there's the girlschase boards ,-)

as for the original post. you gotta take the rough with the smooth man. life is a rollercoaster, can't have ups without downs. and can't hit a homerun every time. some of my best times ever, (well when i was younger) were the impromtu, unplanned nights which just start with a spark and then explode. and many a time i was disappointed by a night i'd been preparing for and looking forward to.

 

[Smith]

Having said that, given the fluctuation in mood and in confidence, I wouldn't be surprised if I had some internal issues that I need to work out. Unfortunately, even if we do accept that this is the case, I really don't know where I would go from here. Because obviously, if we accept the premise of the article (which I do), practicing pickup isn't really a solution.

So I guess the big questions I'm left with are:
1. Was this weekend just a bad weekend (I had several bad nights!)? Or did the flakes/something else entirely actually shake up my confidence...as he article suggests might be the case,
2. If I do have internal issues that need to be dealt with, how do I figure out what they are?
3. Even if I figure out what they are, how would I go about solving them?

Check out John Cooper. He has a different way of teaching seduction that is not PUA. His concept can be quite hard to understand if you're already doing pick-up, but it goes quite deep and profound.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl9B-wqc-f0

 

[Bboy100]

I've only seen a few of his videos so far. I did see the hour long talk on Seduction without Pickup. I'm guessing that encompasses all his core concepts.

So, I already see one big problem with his "paradigm shift" as he calls it. The pickup community (i.e. GC and everything else) has this problem too. And it is that the very fact that all these communities are teaching us how to be with women implies that we need them. Therefore, we are taking/trying to get something from them. Even as John tries to teach how to give and not take. And he teaches how to be autonomous, most the viewers are still doing this for the sole sake having women in their lives. Which is of course, the mentality of someone who's taking and not giving. Cooper is trying to eliminate the problem on a micro level (i.e. trying to make sure we don't try to "take" from any individual women), but it still exists on a macro level in that we still want something from womankind as a whole (validation, sex, relationships etc). Not wanting ANYTHING from women EVER seems very impossible to me.

To explain this in another way, let's look at it this way: In truly achieving autonomy, we would also need to drop the pursuit of learning to have women in our lives altogether. Because the only reason we would invest in getting better with women in the first place is because they are something we don't have but want. In other words, we are needy for them. So in order to eradicate neediness itself, we would also have to extinguish our desire for women in the first place. Otherwise, we by definition, need them to a certain degree and are therefore, not autonomous.

So I guess this leaves us with the following: If we do not need women, we would need to stop pursuing them. If we stopped pursuing them, we would never have them. But as human beings, we all want attention from the opposite sex. Therefore, achieving autonomy is impossible.

John Cooper isnt the first to come up with this concept of "not needing women in your life". In fact, this is one of the core concepts of a lot of dating advice that I've seen.

To illustrate the issue in another way, lets imagine that hypothetically, I did achieve this state of being "autonomous". This would by definition mean that if someone came up to me and said "btw bboy, you're never ever going to have another women in your life again", this statement shouldn't phase me at all. Because according to the concept of autonomy, I'm already whole. Women are not necessary. In fact, not only would it not phase me, I might even say "so what? I don't really want them anyway. I have everything I could ever want in my life right now."

Needless to say, this seems wrong.

Mark Manson has a far more realistic definition of "not being needy". It is that a none needy man is someone who is less invested in how he feel about her than he is in how he feel about himself. The reason why I feel this is more realistic is because it's not about not needing women at all. But rather, about caring more about how we view ourselves (which of course, would ideally be in a positive light!), than how much we care what any individual women thinks of us.

Having said all this, from a practical point of view, I think John Cooper has some good things to say. As we just discovered, its impossible to completely eliminate neediness, but it is possible to drastically reduce it. And I think that might be what he hopes to achieve via what he teaches. I'll take a look at the rest of his stuff and see how I can apply it.

you gotta take the rough with the smooth man. life is a rollercoaster, can't have ups without downs.

I'm not so much concerned about that specific night as I am about the fact that I feel like I went from secure and confident to weak and needy. Like, I feel as though I've had a meltdown in my confidence and in my frame as a whole. If it was just about that one night, I wouldn't even be talking about this anymore.

 

[lao che]

i watched that video and thought he came across as douchey. he is probably cool actually. but all the mocking of pickup lingo and culture like "can i number close you" and all that, i mean, fuck him, where would he be without mystery and everything that followed. still wanking to internet porn and crying coz he can't get girls with his white-knighting (clearly i'm making up that last part, i know nothing about the dude, but you get my point).
not to mention that really, no one likes the vocab of pickup, but it's a necessary evil to explain complex ideas in a text format, and for everyone to be on the same page. no one actually talks like that in real life. if i'm talking to my friends i don't use phrases like kiss close, F close, cold approach and so on. disrespectful, IMO to mock the very thing that put you where you are. be like stephen hawking calling einstein a dumbass

edit: and he's basically saying, "i don't need to go talk to every hot girl now, now that i get laid on the reg" which, again, where would he be if he hadn't learned the things that put him in that position? everyone has to go through the fire, everyone has to take his knocks, learn the ropes, etc. so once he's got good, he makes a video telling people to just stop and just be good. like chase said somewhere, regarding this exact point: (paraphrasing) "no man comes out of the womb with stubble, a gravely voice and a hard on." the exact quote is better but you get the point.



"" I'm not so much concerned about that specific night as I am about the fact that I feel like I went from secure and confident to weak and needy. Like, I feel as though I've had a meltdown in my confidence and in my frame as a whole. If it was just about that one night, I wouldn't even be talking about this anymore. "

i don't think that changes my point. there will always be peaks and troughs, sometimes they are short-lasting and sometimes it can seem like it will never end (both the high points or the low). and i certainly don't mean to belittle your feelings. you seem like a really smart dude, i guess you're quite young too. but shit does get better, man. the highs stop being so high and the lows stop being so terrible. and you kind of miss the swings. anyway, i'm just some dude on the internet, certainly no medical professional, so take my words with a pinch of salt.

by the way, are you aware that chase himself suffered from depression? he wrote an article about it i'm sure you can find it quite easily

 

[Zoro]

Hey Bboy,

I think you are overthinking this a tad bit. There is a line between reflection and rumination.

Thinking "what the heck went wrong?" and then brainstorming a few causes (as you did) and then saying okay lets do this different and then get back out there. That's good reflection.

Thinking about it, coming up with causes and then mulling them over, and then coming up with tangent causes and continuing in a similar cycle, is rumination. This leads to inaction because you fool yourself into thinking you are productive (figuring shit out), yet falling into a hole of negative thoughts that freeze you up.

Something most people don't realize is that once you "load up" your brain with a problem and have consciously worked on it (reflection) and then moved on (action) your focus changes but your subconscious takes over on the problem and continues working! I had a teacher in high school who said he would work on a problem until he was stuck and then go for a run, and he began to get so many ideas popping up like toast while running he had to bring a notepad to jot down everything!

I would go back to square one with this post. You figured out some causes that will definitely impact your well being and ability.

Focus on action to correct those and you'll get back on the horse. Avoid days of eating too much junk and load up on vegetables. When you can't work out hard, meditate a bit. And walk the desert land of the dreaded Dry Spell (everyone gets those) because there is an oasis for those who endure. Oh and I'm fan of no fap. Let someone else milk your meat, it helps with motivation too (They do call it, Sex DRIVE.)

With love,
JWick

PS

That idea of coming from a place that you don't need women... Well I think that will come naturally with confidence and abundance mentality which come from EXPERIENCE. Even more reason to break the vicious cycle of rumination and get out there!

 

[Lotus]

Bro,

while trying to avoid sounding repetitive....fluctuations in your mental state are natural and as your progress they will fluctuate to lesser extremes.I had two rough weekends myself, a couple months ago something like that would have a bigger impact then it does now.

Remember the glass is half full not half empty

Lastly, your title explains the mindset problem and seeing....

I turned into a Pussy overnight.
I turned into a Pussy overnight.
I turned into a Pussy overnight.

......is not what you want to feed your ego.

 

[Smith]

So, I already see one big problem with his "paradigm shift" as he calls it. The pickup community (i.e. GC and everything else) has this problem too. And it is that the very fact that all these communities are teaching us how to be with women implies that we need them. Therefore, we are taking/trying to get something from them. Even as John tries to teach how to give and not take. And he teaches how to be autonomous, most the viewers are still doing this for the sole sake having women in their lives. Which is of course, the mentality of someone who's taking and not giving. Cooper is trying to eliminate the problem on a micro level (i.e. trying to make sure we don't try to "take" from any individual women), but it still exists on a macro level in that we still want something from womankind as a whole (validation, sex, relationships etc). Not wanting ANYTHING from women EVER seems very impossible to me.

His concept of autonomous was quite difficult for me to understand as well because how can you not "take" from any individual women when you really want to fuck her? The problem with pickup, I think, is not the technique itself but the place it's coming from. We are all susceptible to seeking validation..etc. It's inevitable but instead of wanting sex from women, come from the place of giving her good sexual energy and co-creating an experience with her. "autonomous + desire" is what he teaches. He answers questions in his fb group. If u want to know more and have any questions, pm me and I'll send u the link =) I'm sure he can clarify it better than me. He answered a question I posted a few months ago, like "is persisting a form of taking?". The simplified answer is "yes and no, depends on where you're coming from" and he made me realize some of the internal problems I have that pick-up is not helping.

 

[lao che]

i'm thinking about this right now and, as i can't keep my mouth shut, i'll blather on with my opinions.

this thing about taking/not taking doesn't sit right with me. and i'll tell you why - this is a mindset, a perception, an outlook. this is the hurdle you have to overcome. you should not be thinking about "taking" from a girl. you should frame it in such a way that you are giving to a girl (which you will come to see as truth). you're giving her your dick, not taking her pussy. that's a fundamental shift that you have to make in your thinking. i can't remember the last time i felt like 'oh i'm taking something i don't deserve'. it's not like that at all. and your girl will appreciate it more when you come around and start seeing it as YOU giving HER something. your experience, your conversation, your knowledge, your wisdom, your wit, your humor, and ultimately, your dick.

"good dick is scarce and extremely valuable"

this post was profound to me when i stumbled upon it a few years back, around the same time i discovered GC http://misterinfinite.com/2013/02/23/relate-from-man-to-woman/