FR I would kiss you... if we were to never meet again

[ChrisXKiss]

As the title implies, in this one I feel I managed to get deep in the boyfriendzone.

I met her in a underground passage of my local train station last week, was passing by not in the best state either, but then I saw two women coming towards me, one from the right, one from the left and had to decide very fast which to approach. I went for the one on the right, she looked cute, she was tall which I like and after telling her she looks lovely she responded extremely well. Haven't seen a smile as bright as that for a while. I think we talked for not even a minute, I told her I love how positive she looks and she appreciated it, we exchanged some basic info and I was just feeling the vibes so much that I said I had to run home, but I'd love to see her again so let's exchange numbers. She said sure we can plan a coffee, gave me the number, then told me: text me for the coffee!, as she was leaving.]

I sent a normal icebreaker text to which she responded and then the next day I asked her how she is doing and proposed a meet. She was into it right away and offered back a day, which was in fact the only one that I was more free this week, true luck, so we planned to go grab some food for dinner fast around our area, as she also lives close.

Today we meet, the vibe was that she asked to meet again at the exact same place we bumped into each other, she tells me she is sorry but had some food at work, and I take her to a cozy bar/restaurant nearby. I show her around basically as she is fairly new in town, and when in the place we sit down opposite of each other. Most seats were like that anyway, but I didn't mind, since I am not touching that much anyway during the dates, I try to build the tension and energy in other ways.

We start talking and she is asking a lot about me, my hobbies, to tell her why I do them, and after I answer I turn it back to her. I find she is exploring a lot in life right now, trying different things and connect on that and being adventurous. I ask her about her dreams and she says she is living her dream now of being able to enjoy her life day to day, while not working like crazy as she was before for little money. She asks me back and I say I am also in an exploration phase, finding out what I enjoy and loving the process.

Then she asks me about traveling, tells me she is very into it, so we exchange favourite places and what we love about it. I ask her about her craziest experience and she tells me some story from India and one from Guatemala, nothing sexual but a bit dangerous. I tell back a pretty long story from North Africa, and she is quite hooked. In the end after mentioning how relationships outside marriage are illegal there I mention how interesting is to experience some flirting and connection with someone in such an environment and feel the adventure.

Then I ask her about how she is connecting with people, she tells me about her friends, a bit about her family and how her brothers love her. I ask her how having two older brothers affects her relationships with men, and she says that she wants relationships not just to be with someone but when there is significance in them, where even the fighting comes from a good place, because even her parents fought but loved each other, and asks my opinion. I tell her I agree, and I also don't just get into relationships just to do it, and I love exploring, enjoying all connections and then when you find a person that you want something more you feel it and things progress naturally. I say I haven't really had many big relationships, and maybe it is on me and I am all over the place, even now I am looking for a job and don't know if I will be around.

At some point I ask her what kind of men she likes and she tells me she doesn't have a type really and goes for what she feels in a guy, and I agree with that saying that many times we think we have types, but then we meet someone different and we feel drawn to them. At that point I ask about her plans for the rest of the night, she says she has maybe 30 minutes before having to go for sleep, so I propose continuing somewhere else for a drink. She says she would love to, but next time. I tell her I would like to show her my travel souvenirs and carpet from North Africa, and she gets excited but still says she would love to see it but next time. She also says she owes me a drink since I paid today. Before leaving she also asks me to tell her what really got me into the field I am in.

Next we go out as the place was closing, and I propose to go and show her something in the area. She agrees and we go to a local park where you can go upstairs ( yes it is a steel urban park with multiple levels ), she says she has seen it before but she will pretend she hasn't. We reach the top and she realises she has never been there in fact and is excited about the movie. Mentions the moon and if I bring all the girls somewhere up to show the stars and kiss them. I tell her no, not really, I am more forward than that. So I turn and go for the kiss.

She rejects it, tells me she is not ready, not feeling it right now and even worse... that she would probably go for it if she knew she wouldn't see me again...but she would like to and doesn't want to do it now, as she doesn't see it simply as a physical desire, but something more. I say that this is interesting and I believe you can desire someone physically and also be connected more deeply, and going for the one doesn't block the other. I mention how I have connected with many women friends I never got sexual with, and I had only physical connections with others, and situations in the middle. I explain how beautiful I find the energies between a man and a woman and how they complete each other and you cannot find this feeling you get when they come together anywhere else. She agrees about all that, but still says not now, maybe next time at your carpet, I have to see it and take you a drink anyway.

We keep chilling together, I pretty much change nothing in the way I behave before and after the failed kiss, we talk and laugh a bit more, discussing even about cocktail making and how I could make a cocktail for her with my tools if she brings the drinks to my place. Some security comes to bring us down because they close the place later at night, so we start heading back towards the local station where we part ways, giving a hug we both say we enjoyed it, and she again mentions how she wants to see the carpet the next time. An hour later I text it was a lovely evening and I hope she gets a sweet rest.

All in all, she is quite cute and sweet, to be honest it's not that I would never get in a relationship with her, more that I am looking at it as a skillset to improve and just getting into a relationship feels a bit like stagnation. I've never had a relationship though, so at some point I guess I should try it. That said she also mentioned looking at things as they go and not jumping into stuff, but I am pretty sure by the whole vibe that she is seeing something more in me potentially. So I really need to see how to handle it, would like to see her again, but honestly after having sex I have no idea how interested I would be for more.

Maybe the best thing is to provide good experiences for whenever we meet, while keeping showing my interest and escalating, and then the rest will reveal itself regarding whether I feel I want something more and in what way or not. I suppose nothing is bad as long as both people enjoy each others company and no false promises are made.

I also didn't want to come off so much as a fuckboy, but more like a lover. Maybe my openness on connecting more if it feels right with someone ( which is true, I'm not totally against long term relationships if I really feel it ) brought me towards the boyfriend territory. I guess it could be worse, but I've been tremendously unsuccessful in getting seconds dates, meaning I either manage to sleep with them fast or not and they don't want to see me again. So I don't even know this dynamic well, of how much you get into a more serious boyfriend role if you don't sleep the first time and meet again. Always up for comments and discussions

 

[Marcellus]

Was there any update on this girl? Did you end up scheduling a second date?

 

[Lobo]

I say that this is interesting and I believe you can desire someone physically and also be connected more deeply, and going for the one doesn't block the other. I mention how I have connected with many women friends I never got sexual with, and I had only physical connections with others, and situations in the middle. I explain how beautiful I find the energies between a man and a woman and how they complete each other and you cannot find this feeling you get when they come together anywhere else.

if you said this earlier in the date, before you experience resistance, u probably would have got the kiss there.

but since u said it after, it seems like ur just trying to finangle ur way into a kiss + ur momentum is gone anyways.

also i think ur getting some resistance because u opened direct, so she sees you as a player

Mentions the moon and if I bring all the girls somewhere up to show the stars and kiss them.

the thing is this girl likes you a lot too, like as a boyfriend. maybe its your vibe?

At that point I ask about her plans for the rest of the night, she says she has maybe 30 minutes before having to go for sleep,

there are more subtle ways to ask for sex...

which is why she gave you a bullshit response.

i feel like asking for sex never works either, you have to get her in the state of mind to where she wants it herself, which can be done by building sexual tension throughout the date.

but this seems interesting, you can probably close date 2 but i feel like it will be on her terms.

 

[ChrisXKiss]

Was there any update on this girl? Did you end up scheduling a second date?

So I was waiting to make sure that i got the second date, but things are going pretty slowly so I decided to answer. The thing is that after the date she is texting maybe every 3-4 days, and I respond with about a similar frequency. But her texts are fairly big and in the last one she basically said she is away for the weekend and very busy for the next days with work, hobbies and a friend that is visitng but she wants to meet and even proposed a date about ten days from now.

She even said she would be interested to see the carpet in my place and drink cocktails. And she also said that I shouldn't think she doesn't want to talk, she just likes taking her time to answer and if I really want something immediately I should text her with capitals: GET ON YOUR PHONE YOU SILLY PINEAPPLE. So I do believe she likes me and wants to see me again.

I responded that I couldn't deny providing shelter to a lost lady ( she mentioned that for herself in the previous text as well ), she just has to promise to take good care of my rug... We'll see what she says after that.

if you said this earlier in the date, before you experience resistance, u probably would have got the kiss there.

but since u said it after, it seems like ur just trying to finangle ur way into a kiss + ur momentum is gone anyways.

also i think ur getting some resistance because u opened direct, so she sees you as a player

Yeah, I agree. I don't think it looked like I was trying to make my way into the kiss, because I didn't make any other physical move, I simply wanted to convey to her the way I was thinking, and in general I believe she took my whole stance after the failed kiss positively, because I didn't lose any confidence.

the thing is this girl likes you a lot too, like as a boyfriend. maybe its your vibe?

Yeah I think so as well. To be honest I kinda also like her, I mean among the girls I've been out lately she is probably the one closest to my preferences physically wise, and she felt pretty sweet as well. So I do believe I came off boyfriendy during the date.

The thing is that I have this problem in general, I can be very open about sexual topics with some girls, saying how I enjoy freedom, and sex is an amazing connection, something you should go for it when you feel it. They don't try to move the interaction away from sexual stuff, they are in a more sexual mood probably so they eat it up and generally it is straightforward to invite them somewhere and make moves.

But with other girls their vibe just doesn't make me feel like taking the interaction that way. For example you talk about sex, and after they answer they immediately turn the discussion back to other topics, more social, or sometimes boyfriend like, asking questions about what you like, what you do in your life and enjoy, why you do the things you do etc.

So it feels weird for me to keep forcing the conversations towards sexual topics after few tries. I feel that I will come off too sex craving, and that I only care about that, which will be a turn off. And of course I care about sex, but I honestly prefer to get it in the second date than ever, so if I feel that the vibe is not that sexual, I prefer to keep the good time, make an invite, and if the girl rejects it, to let her feel comfortable that I don't push hard towards the first date sex like it is the only thing I want.

Until now in my life in fact most girls that I didn't sleep with during the first date I have never seen again, so I tend to be pretty polarising regarding sex being the thing I want and you either do it with me or there is nothing else to talk about. At some point I felt that maybe I am losing a bunch of women like that, women that could like me but may not be ready for first date sex, and they need some more time. And in general I would like to see some women more than once, I have no reason to be doing only one night stands forever. So I have been trying to come off a bit more like someone who is attractive but cares a bit more about the girl.

It's possible that in this particular scenario I took it too far, didn't even set enough sexual frames and went all the way to the boyfriend area. Since the beginning of the interaction and the messages I felt a romantic vibe from her, and at some point after I mentioned something sexual about her travels, she even said she is not the type of girl that is going around hooking up. I guess I could have grabbed the opportunity to say that sex is beautiful and you should be free to pursue it when you want it, and screw societies restrictions and all that, but I didn't.

Ultimately I think her frame of wanting something more romantic, not extremely casual was stronger than mine, but the thing is I didn't even have a particular frame in mind during this interactions which was my mistake. I was going for more of a lover vibe as I said theoretically, making her feel that I am attracted to her and would make moves on her at the first chance and I also like her as a person, but I guess she liked my stories and my vibe too much, and she felt wow this guy I would like to see again. It probably happened because I don't get this reaction a lot, as I said girls either see me as someone that is attractively sexual and wouldn't see much more happening with, or they simply dismiss me pretty fast as lower value that wouldn't be a candidate for anything sexual.

It's very rare that I meet a girl who I like physically pretty much, we are vibing, and she also sees me as a sexual option. I think that I had kinda taken out of my mind that there are attractive girls out there that would consider me boyfriend material after getting to know me lol

there are more subtle ways to ask for sex...

which is why she gave you a bullshit response.

i feel like asking for sex never works either, you have to get her in the state of mind to where she wants it herself, which can be done by building sexual tension throughout the date.

but this seems interesting, you can probably close date 2 but i feel like it will be on her terms.

Yeah I don't really consider it asking, more like we are enjoying each other's time, let's go continue somewhere in private. I guess they understand it means sex, but for me is a simple logical progression, if we are enjoying each other's company and we are a man and woman, I would like to explore more how we can connect in other ways as well.

I do think it is not so obvious for them though and I feel you are right on building more sexual tension. In my latest dates I haven't been doing enough of that, and I want to see what the issue is really, I don't seem to be tapping easily into sexual states if the woman is in a more social getting to know you phase herself. Sometimes just talking about sexual topics makes things work, sometimes I guess the girl likes you a lot already, but in general I do agree that you have to put her in the state of mind of wanting it emotionally, and I haven't been able to do it consistently with most women on first dates.

So yeah will see, she is a girl that I would be up to seeing more, not sure if I am ready for a relationship in general though. I guess I have to have some at some point even if just for practice, so maybe it wouldn't be a bad choice. But forfeiting game for a while, when I still go around the city and find so many hot women I would love to approach, I guess I would have to be really into a girl.

Not that I am getting into one with her already, we haven't even agreed on the second date haha. Just thinking about it in terms of what I really want out of seduction, there are girls around the city that I would probably get into a relationship with, but until I get to the level I can have them, I am not sure what is the best choice. I mean I want to be a lover of women but don't want to either give them false promises or see them only for one night stands, so I am trying to balance how to really express that in attractive ways.

 

[ChrisXKiss]

Small update here, just finished a second date at my place and nothing. She came, we made some cocktails together, sat and drank them, talked a lot, but it lead nowhere. Her whole vibe was friendly but pretty distant, even on the couch when we were sitting, she kept staying away enough for me. I did go for a kiss kinda at some point but she was so far that it was even awkward to go all the way and we both realised it.

We had some sex talk, how we see it, what we are after. She basically told me that the physical part of sex is not very important for her and she only felt it once when she slept with a guy for a night ( I'll be honest, I always feel like a loser when girls say that to me and I am not the guy ), but she is very well in her life now and not in a place for anything romantic. I basically told her I like going with the flow, and enjoying life, and connecting with different women, and seeing how this evolves eventually, and although she agreed she is not at the place for a relationship, she is also not in the state to have something more sexually casual.

She generally was a lot about wanting to talk and connect, and that what she finds important is not the physical part, and she understand how I see it, she finds me gorgeous and interesting but she is not at the place of getting that close with someone right now. And maybe she gave the wrong sign by coming straight to my place, but she felt we are adults, so we could figure it out.

Anyway, we kept talking for quite some more, because I do like her vibe anyway, and I told her I wouldn't mind to connect with her again, but what I feel will remain there, so I will always be looking at her as someone I am interested in and not a friend.

Not sure what's gonna happen from now on, I mean whether we will ever meet again, but as a sexual option I am writing her off.

 

[SexualHero]

I did go for a kiss kinda at some point but she was so far that it was even awkward to go all the way and we both realised it.

So move closer and try again ?

although she agreed she is not at the place for a relationship, she is also not in the state to have something more sexually casual.

Don't take what women say so seriously and literally, she was in your place. Look more at what she does, then at what she says. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have come. Just because she said this, it does NOT mean you are forbidden from escalating and seducing her. Most likely what happened is that your feeble attempt at escalation ( was there only one when you tried to kiss her ? ) is what cause her to lose attraction and start second guessing what is she doing here

Anyway, we kept talking for quite some more, because I do like her vibe anyway, and I told her I wouldn't mind to connect with her again, but what I feel will remain there, so I will always be looking at her as someone I am interested in and not a friend.

You said to her you are interested, but didn't show it ? Less words, more action

 

[ChrisXKiss]

So move closer and try again ?

I guess I could, it simply felt too much like forcing it, I mean in the way she was sitting I had to either stand up and go above her, or literally fall on her.

Don't take what women say so seriously and literally, she was in your place. Look more at what she does, then at what she says. If she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have come. Just because she said this, it does NOT mean you are forbidden from escalating and seducing her. Most likely what happened is that your feeble attempt at escalation ( was there only one when you tried to kiss her ? ) is what cause her to lose attraction and start second guessing what is she doing here

I see your point, the thing is I acted like that, because I was focusing on what she was doing. She was deliberately keeping distance between us, and had a totally non sexual vibe of let’s chill like friends.

And yeah I didn’t try to escalate again. I tried to kiss her in the first date as well, and when she didn’t give me anything in my place, I felt like: She came all the way here but she is not into it, so it’s not worth it.

It’s not even that I was scared to escalate again or had any discomfort, was more like a: Whatever, it’s a shame, but I’ll find another.

I mean it was feeling kinda weird to me as well that she came all the way to my place for that, but I couldn’t feel anything more. Would it have been possible to seducer her? Probably yes with more skill, but I really don’t know how I could reframe the whole situation without literally jumping on her as I said.

You said to her you are interested, but didn't show it ? Less words, more action

I do agree with that, my assertiveness can use some boosting. One thing I can say is that I could have just been fully sexual all the way and kept escalating until she either left or stayed to have sex.

That is something I can see, I mean the negative result would have been her leaving and not seeing each other again like it will happen now, but the positive would have been us having sex.

So I can see why just going fully for it would be preferred, I think I just couldn’t see any sign or escalation window from her side, so I thought whatever, she is not feeling it so I’m not gonna push it.

It does leave a weird taste in my mouth generally though, I mean first date we vibe well and she tells me she won’t kiss because she wants to see me again, then her texts are cutish and borderline girlfriendly and for the second date she gives me this vibe at my place. It felt a bit like a waste of time from my side.

That’s why from now on I want to be going clearly sexual from the first date to not have these situations of waiting and expecting for stuff to work some other time.