"I'll be there, why don't you stop by?" rather than "why don't we go there?"

[Prehistoric]

What's your opinion on this way of asking a girl out for coffee/drinks/whatever?

I tried it 5 minutes ago on one girl whose contact I took two days ago, after she answered very warmly to an initial text in which I had asked how the rest of the evening was last time. I'll keep you updated on how she answers. Meanwhile I'd like to know what you think.

Instead of the usual "hey why don't we grab a coffee one of these days" I said "bla bla bla.. the weather is great these days, tomorrow after lunch I'll surely be having a coffee in this park, I'd be happy if you stop by"

I am thinking of the PROS and CONS of this approach.

The PROS might be that you're less in chasing mode. You're doing something anyway, regardless of her, but at the same time you communicate that you appreciate her company. You're a man with a life who happens to like her. Plus if she agrees, she's the one investing at that point.

The CONS might be that you are perceived as a bit unattainable, which has happened to me recently when I was exaggerating the "attractive traits displaying" while not investing enough in her. A girl told her friend I was very cool but a bit arrogant.

But I am just thinking out loud, what's you take my friends?

 

[luego]

I really don't like it. She *wants* you to invest, be assertive and confident, and get her out. It doesn't have to be a crazy serious "ask", but doesn't want to be the one putting herself at risk. And unless it's something significant (ie I have this event I'm at, or whatever), it puts an image of you having coffee alone, hoping a girl will show up. I'd rather have a "'weather's supposed to be beautiful; I always have coffee at this park, join me around 2?".

 

[ray_zorse]

I've actually done this a number of times recently, mainly in situations where it wasn't easy to take a number (was a queue behind me at the register etc) and it never works. Nuff said.
-Ray

 

[Prehistoric]

I've actually done this a number of times recently, mainly in situations where it wasn't easy to take a number (was a queue behind me at the register etc) and it never works. Nuff said.
-Ray

It didn't as a matter of fact.

I guess I'll discard this approach and go back to asking straight out.

 

[Drck]

I would say that there are two ways to look at it:

1) If she likes you enough she will go with you for a date no matter how you ask her. As long as you ask her she will go.

2) Assuming that she likes you enough, don't ask her in a stupid way. Ask her in a smart way, e.g. set up and keep dominant/leading frame.

I would compare it to openers. You can think about thousands of different smart openers, yet simple Hi and smile is good enough, and beats most of the sophisticated openers because it is natural and sincere... Why wasting your time on different openers if you can say simple Hi?


It all goes back to your personality and overall frame. It is your choice what frame you have (and you always have some frame!), but IMO as a man you should be more dominant, more leading, more independent, more determined to have sex and so on, especially with a new girl who doesn't know you at all. She should know that you as a guy are interested in her sexually, and not as a friend who only wants to socialize or orbital who can't push forward. At the same time you don't want to be pushy and needy (you simply won't chase)...

With this kind of frame the rest is much easier because now you know exactly what you want, and you present in that frame. Does this kind of a man need some long convoluted sentences, or some poetry to express that he likes her and wants to take her out? He doesn't. He just uses simple words. He doesn't say: "Hey, it is such a beautiful day, and on Wednesday I might be able to leave early from work after I finish typing my article. I'll probably go and relax at this coffee shop... BTW would you like to join me on Wednesday at 3? It would be great if we meet for a coffee at that time, and we can discuss those exciting things about XYZ further as I can clearly see that they also interest you, what do you think?"

I'm not saying that this is wrong and that it is not working. If she likes you she could easily say: "Yes, I'll be happy to meet you there, here is my phone number". But that is simply not congruent with the frame described above, this guy is explaining himself, he is too convoluted, and just talk too much. All we know is that he could be some sort of philosopher or liberal professor full of himself, but probably not lover.

The above frame describess much simple man, more Apha-ish, thus he asks simple questions:

* Why don't we go out on Th at 3?
* Let me take you out, is Th good for you?
* Lets go and grab a coffee on Th, give me your phone number and I'll text you
* What is your phone number, I'll call you
* Why don't I take you out, give me your phone number and I'll call you when I get a chance (meaning: hey, listen, my work is more important than you, but I'm still gonna take you out)

and hundreds more. He pauses after these and gives her time to react, ideally she should be flattered that he wants to go out and will give him the number with excitement but no hesitation. He is not explaining himself, he makes it clear that there won't be too many words - there will be more actions. Actions are exciting, if she wants great conversation she can talk to her girlfriends, and if she wants some philosophy she can easily talk to some numbnut college professor. Note that you are telling her to do things, you are not asking her, which is congruent with the above dominant frame. You are placing yourself in charge, you are leading, you are making decisions...

You don't want to ask because that is showing more insecurity and less confidence. Again, it may work well and she could give you her number and go out with you, but it is not congruent with the above frame.
You can ask for example:
* Can I have your phone number so I can call you? Maybe we can go out one of those days
* Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
* Can we meet at XYZ for coffee next week?
* It is such a nice day and I would like to take you for a coffee, when would you like to go?
* Can you go for a coffee on Th?
Note that these sound weak and are weak. You are asking her for permissions, you are not leading at all, you are leaving decisions on her. Again, she may go out with you if she likes you enough, but the problem is that you already setup a Nice Guy frame - and she will go for a date with "what a Nice Guy he is" in her mind...

So maybe, in stead of trying to figure out 'how to ask her out' try to figure out what frame you want to have, and how to keep congruency with everything you say and do with that girl. This way it is much easier because even if you mess up some things you can always come to your frame and correct your actions and words later on...