I was diagnosed to be a low degree psychopath a couple of years ago. It's not so severe that I have killed someone or will. But I fantasize about it all the time. I'm working on it in therapy.
Basically in a nut shell in my mind there are 2 kinds of people. The first are the ones who are innocent and deserve to live. And the second are the people who do not deserve to live. I feel empathy for people in the firs category when something bad happens to them and want to help them.
But when I see a person in the second category I start fantasizing about killing them with a cold weapon(guns are to fast and impersonal).
The therapist tells this is pretty common - "doing bad thing to bad people feels good". And it is a warriors mentality. He told me the whole history of mankind evolved around warriors killing the enemy(killing the bad people).
And I think about it all the time. I'm waking down the street and imagine how I'm slitting the throat, of a guy who looks at me with a bad look, and watching him bleed out in front of me. I won't do it cause I'm don't want to go to jail and why I'll never kill anybody. But is sure as hell feels good to fantasize and imagine it every day.
Or if you point a weapon at me I'll brake both your arms at the 3 major joints: the wrists, elbows, shoulders - to make sure you'll never be able to hold a weapon. And won't feel bad about doing it.
Or if you cut me off or behave in any way bad towards me and I'll slot you into the 2nd category - of people who don't deserve to live. If you even look at me bad and sth happens to you and you're about to die - I won't help you. Even if it takes a second to help you, I'll just stand and watch you die and enjoy it.
The thing is most people value human life. And for example are against death penalty even for murderers. But for me the second you're slotted in the 2nd category - you are not human anymore and your life means nothing and I won't feel anything even if I watch you die. If it was to me - all prisoners would get a death penalty. Like it used to be until 200 years ago. They used to hand people or decapitate them or shoot them.
I also do krav maga and kendo training with all kinds of weapons to let out all the pent up hate and anger.
Sometimes though I go in a dark place and start fantasizing about destroying the world and killing everybody. Like if I was a president and hand the access to nukes - I'd push the button in watch everybody and their loved ones die.
I'm usually controlling it and it happens less frequently. It mostly happens when I'm feeling bad. When I'm happy - I'm the nicest person. But when I'm feeling bad I want to make everybody feel even worse than me.
And I'm not like normal psychopaths who go after weak people. I fantasize about killing the biggest strongest and meanest guys. They might be big and strong but the throat and stomach are pretty soft against a laser sharp spyderco
.
My therapist actually thinks this has a lot to do with me being a virgin and having a lot of anger and resentment build up. Even though I try to get it all out. And is certain this will go away if I'm feeling good - getting laid and having success with girls. Cause when you're happy and feeling good - it's hard do think about killing people, since I'm not one of those serial killer type psychopaths. I'm more controlled and it mostly due to victim mentality and all the anger that is build up.
This post is mostly me getting what's in my head, on "paper". And I'm wandering will this change my process in anyway. I mean I hide it pretty well and even my friends don't know about this. Only my therapist knows about it cause with him I don't hide it.
And I'd love to hear if anyone has the same feelings/thoughts or some experience with this.
Btw this also might be the cause of me being attracted to female psychopaths. https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6021
Basically in a nut shell in my mind there are 2 kinds of people. The first are the ones who are innocent and deserve to live. And the second are the people who do not deserve to live. I feel empathy for people in the firs category when something bad happens to them and want to help them.
But when I see a person in the second category I start fantasizing about killing them with a cold weapon(guns are to fast and impersonal).
The therapist tells this is pretty common - "doing bad thing to bad people feels good". And it is a warriors mentality. He told me the whole history of mankind evolved around warriors killing the enemy(killing the bad people).
And I think about it all the time. I'm waking down the street and imagine how I'm slitting the throat, of a guy who looks at me with a bad look, and watching him bleed out in front of me. I won't do it cause I'm don't want to go to jail and why I'll never kill anybody. But is sure as hell feels good to fantasize and imagine it every day.
Or if you point a weapon at me I'll brake both your arms at the 3 major joints: the wrists, elbows, shoulders - to make sure you'll never be able to hold a weapon. And won't feel bad about doing it.
Or if you cut me off or behave in any way bad towards me and I'll slot you into the 2nd category - of people who don't deserve to live. If you even look at me bad and sth happens to you and you're about to die - I won't help you. Even if it takes a second to help you, I'll just stand and watch you die and enjoy it.
The thing is most people value human life. And for example are against death penalty even for murderers. But for me the second you're slotted in the 2nd category - you are not human anymore and your life means nothing and I won't feel anything even if I watch you die. If it was to me - all prisoners would get a death penalty. Like it used to be until 200 years ago. They used to hand people or decapitate them or shoot them.
I also do krav maga and kendo training with all kinds of weapons to let out all the pent up hate and anger.
Sometimes though I go in a dark place and start fantasizing about destroying the world and killing everybody. Like if I was a president and hand the access to nukes - I'd push the button in watch everybody and their loved ones die.
I'm usually controlling it and it happens less frequently. It mostly happens when I'm feeling bad. When I'm happy - I'm the nicest person. But when I'm feeling bad I want to make everybody feel even worse than me.
And I'm not like normal psychopaths who go after weak people. I fantasize about killing the biggest strongest and meanest guys. They might be big and strong but the throat and stomach are pretty soft against a laser sharp spyderco
.My therapist actually thinks this has a lot to do with me being a virgin and having a lot of anger and resentment build up. Even though I try to get it all out. And is certain this will go away if I'm feeling good - getting laid and having success with girls. Cause when you're happy and feeling good - it's hard do think about killing people, since I'm not one of those serial killer type psychopaths. I'm more controlled and it mostly due to victim mentality and all the anger that is build up.
This post is mostly me getting what's in my head, on "paper". And I'm wandering will this change my process in anyway. I mean I hide it pretty well and even my friends don't know about this. Only my therapist knows about it cause with him I don't hide it.
And I'd love to hear if anyone has the same feelings/thoughts or some experience with this.
Btw this also might be the cause of me being attracted to female psychopaths. https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6021
