I'm an Egoist - How Can I Stop Being So?

[Big Daddy]

Hey Gents,

Simply put, I'm an egoist. Not in the sense that I'm an complete asshole and just care about myself, but in the sense that I can't think of other people's needs no matter what.

I'm having difficulties portraying myself as someone fit to occupy a leader role in a particular community because of that - I often just think of what I need until someone does something that keep me thinking "I didn't even realize that this is a super cool idea... for them!"

I'll give you the simplest example I can think of: a friend brought me brownies from a store she knew I loved out of the blue just because she remembered that I love them. Then I realized that I never ever EVER would remember of someone like that, even if I was visiting an exotic country that I knew a friend of mine, etc loved.

I also have problems sharing things in general - opportunities, information (mostly business related), etc - with people unless they are very, very close to me or if I it's something I don't wanna to pursue personally, i.e., not something I'd possibly maybe be competing for. If it's something I might have competition, then I'm not sharing it.

I do think that's a harmful behavior and trying to change that. I already have read Chase's article on empathy and I'm forcing myself to think of others whenever I remember I should be doing that - but the problem is that it only crosses my mind is when some external factor brings it to my attention. It's just so unnatural to me that it's hard for me "force" it in the first place.

Any success stories/advice from someone? I'd love to hear!

 

[Chase]

BD-

Things like gift-buying are not so much empathy/egoism problems as they are, usually, a vehicle for getting what you want with others.

The two most prolific gift-buyers I've known were both empathy-free sociopath charmers. They come across super considerate because they always buy you little gifts or do you little favors or stick up for you in small ways that really makes you feel like, "Damn, this guy's got my back." The catch was they then smoothly ask for big favors, which they play down as little things - the gift-giving, etc. is a part of their strategy for getting the things they want. It isn't altruistic.

I used to wonder this about myself as well: "Man, I'm terrible at buying gifts and doing little nice things for people like my buddy is... how do I get more focused on people like him?" What I eventually realized is he's so good at it because he's viewing everyone around him as little chess pieces on his board, and everything he does is aimed at keeping them happy and positioning them on the board where he wants them.

Assuming his lesson is at all instructive, it seems to me the key to being better at "nice little gestures" is activating the same kind of laser-focus on constantly creating the effects in people you want. i.e., I'm not focused on this stuff because I'm more focused on things like building my business or studying XYZ interesting thing to me; for my buddies though, people are their #1 priority, and they're constantly thinking of ways they can better charm and please and direct those around them. It's all in the focus.

NOTE: there are also people who don't use gifts / nice gestures in an effort to manipulate, but rather more do it because they are really, genuinely trying to please. I don't think this is necessarily a very healthy mentality to have either, because it ultimately stems from fear... fear that if I don't keep this person happy by continually displaying my considerateness to her, she'll leave. "Damsel in distress" types tend to buy a lot of gifts, I've noticed, probably because they fear being left.

Chase

 

[Big Daddy]

Thanks for stopping by, Chase... I'm somewhat glad it's not just me! By the way, loved your recent hairstyle... I'm letting my hair grow too

is a part of their strategy for getting the things they want. It isn't altruistic.

But let's face it: most people aren't really thinking about just helping others when they're lending a hand - they're thinking in things such as becoming leader of a community or, if you're into business, getting money for the value you provide to their lives, etc).

I admit that the example I gave wasn't the best; it happened recently and was fresh on my mind. Plus, that friend is much older than me and care for me like a mother/older sister would. I know she wasn't expecting nor would get anything in return (because the pleasing it's almost unilateral from her side), which makes me think about how much I think about other people and bring us back to this thread: I'm under the impression that I think about other people way less than what is optimal for me (which is paradoxical, but hopefully you'll get my point).

I'll break my problem in two parts. For very close people, such as my parents and close friends my problem are small things like:

• I almost never remember important dates, such as their birthdays;
• When they ask for small favors, I frequently forget to them on schedule, and if I do, I'm probably doing later than I should have;
• I'm mostly putting my priorities above theirs all of the time when they're cool people and care about me;

And that makes me feel bad when I think about it, but it's not something terrible;

Then there's acquaintances, business partners, and people I need to like me (or to feel like the "owe" me something, to paraphrase Cialdini) if I want them to: recommend me to jobs I want, recommend friends of them for me to work with, share good information with me, call me to hang out with good mastermind groups, feel like I'm the most fit leader to the group (plus other things in this case), etc.

In a few weeks, me and a girl from our local enterpreneuers community are going to a national meeting with other community leaders and we have a closed chat group. So I'm all excited that I am about to meet all these big players and they started sharing pics of their local meetups on our group. This other girl from my community quickly arranged a couple of our members to organize a meetup next week and, as it couldn't been different, sent in our meeting chat something along the lines of:

"Thank you for your suggestions, guys! I talked to our members already and we're also having a meetup this month. 'Consistency is everything'", paraphrasing what someone said earlier.

She earned points with out community, organizing a meetup and posing as a leader and then proceeded to market what she just did in our national meeting groups looking for their approval and framing was if she was our leader. In the end, it was all about herself. But I'd never ever think about doing something for our group, even if it means indirectly doing it for me.

It's like I believe logically that "a rising tide lifts all boats," but emotionally I don't.