I'm fukt

[the player of games]

I'm 42 close to 43 hardly had a girlfriend but people say i'm attractive. Tall and smart and successful now but slightly aspie probably. I have to figure out why I failed.

As someone who appreciates the importance of specificity and precision of language, I'm sure you will recognise the incongruence in this sentence.

What you are really saying, it seems to me, is;

1. I am attractive.
2. I am tall (important for girls but not essential but nonetheless it's an attribute you appear to value).
3. I am smart.
4. I am successful.
5. But I failed with women therefore I have failed.

This is normal dude. We always discount our successes because we have them and they are in the past. So all your needs are being met except for the need for sex and female affection. So you have failed in this area of your life so far. But that's probably because you haven't really given the amount of productive attention that you could have. Which is why you are now here, right?

42 is young, believe me. There's plenty of time for you to get what you want.

 

[archimedes]

I am a load bearer. Fixing leaks and not little ones putting people in hotels late at night fine fine fine holding career fine this is normal for man, not showing weakness, just doing what's necessary making the best decisions.

Hold frame hold frame.

Hold spine. I am a load bearer but I don't buckle much even when crazy happens around me. Wait for state to say not historic deal with stuff, working with people and their needs for business. I gotta drop one house. It's a loser but otherwise together things are good but hell if I can take a vacation -- and I have weeks I have to use in next 5 months

and other loads carried, the moral load of an ambiguous society, of no woman no see, invisibility, lack of community. I'm a column out there alone not part of a truss system with others. Load of memories when emotions. Loads of observations, of things that are unfortunate. I believe in having fun but I don't necessarily know how always

Loads of regret. Can't go back. Nevermore.. I have my lost Lenores

But I seek to transform, to overthrow, to come out on top and visible and playful and Zeus. I don't know

I don't know how things are going to end. Hope is always knocking at my door, hope and hope and nothing more ‍

I don't want a hope body, I don't want a hope spine. I want a clarity and conviction spine, an informed conviction. I want a path, not just ideas. I want to unload this bitch property

Of getting older no change even though feel like I've earned a lot.. you can't get if you're not seen. Load of games and lack of game (apparently). Sanity. I want a sanity spine and I don't mind holding load. I just want to get paid for it and get some support instead of supporting others and get some love and power but load itself is not terrible. I guess I was made for it compared to other people and I even want more if it's aligned and I'm rewarded for it but it sometimes doesn't feel aligned and I'm not seen ans that is a problem but there's personal, which I kinda signed up for, and social, which was dropped on me, which I have to deal with or repudiate

Old man with a young woman. That is what I desire to be because I can no longer be a young man with a young woman. There are some loads that I have to learn to bear, like giving two fucks about what anyone thinks even her own father if I meet someone. This feels twisted but whatever if respect is earned and I have done what I must then I guess I have to enforce my expectations but that's just looking ahead. I first have to meet again and make it go somewhere unlike prior times but I am willing and want to be able to bear certain loads.. for myself and others