I'm Not Her Boyfriend When I'm Not Around?

[Smurf]

What's up guys.

My girlfriend recently told me that she often feels lonely during the week, and specifically tells me that she feels like she doesn't have a boyfriend when she's not with me. I don't really know what to make of this, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand it makes her want to hang out with me actively. On another, it could mean I'm giving her bad/too many good emotions possibly. Also, I already hang out with her twice a week, I'd rather not spend much more time with her just yet. I'm already having issues scheduling time with friends over her. Is it bad for her to have that feeling?

A couple other things. She does live really far from me but she said the distance didn't bother her. She usually drives down to me. Is this a factor?

She also said we end up having sex when she just wants to talk. I've already found out a bunch about her but I kind of run out of things to talk about when I already know a lot about her. What do you guys talk about with your girlfriends?

And yeah, we've had sex almost every time we've seen each other, since January except for like three times and we hang out once to twice a week. Is that really too much, or is this just some kind of weird test? She never really objects to having sex. Also, when we had this whole conversation, we talked for a while and then had sex anyway after she said that.

I'm just super confused about what she means and don't know what to talk about half the time. Any advice would be awesome.

Jake.

 

[Smurf]

Hey Tool! Think its been a few years since I actually communicated with ya' haha. Thanks for the reply.

Definitely have awkward silences, I try and come up with interesting topics for discussion but it's definitely difficult sometimes.

We've been official for about almost 3 weeks? Not long. I usually never text her other than to hang out because I don't know what to text about. I mentioned calling each other when we had the conversation above, so maybe that will happen more often? Short answer: never/twice a week.

I've been thinking about taking her on an "adventure" where we take pictures together because that's a mutual interest of ours, I'll probably try and do that soon. Weather has been on and off lately so I'll put more active brain power into this. So so far pretty much we haven't.

Actually seems like I need to put a lot more effort into this from the way I answered these questions. I've for a long time had a block against relationships for fear of getting too close to someone but I think I've swung too far to the other side of that. I'm probably putting too much effort into seeming like I'm still the same person i think. I appreciate you guys, it gives me an objective look on what I'm doing without having to feel defensive about anything or protect my ego.

Thanks,

Jake.

 

[Big Daddy]

Unfortunately I have nothing to add here, as I have questions for all of those myself

I want to point out, though, that I vaguely remember Franco mentioning he doesn't text his gf outside of the ordinary too. Let's hope the man himself swings by and give some light to the matter.

 

[Smurf]

Dope links, Tool! Totally forgot about love languages and didn't even know about attachment styles. I'll definitely keep those in mind, should make it easier to communicate.

Is it possible to go from an insecure to a secure attachment style within a relationship? This is probably a topic for another post at this point.

It's nice that people are actually interested in this stuff, I feel like the relationship boards don't get enough love sometimes haha.

Jake.

 

[Franco]

Jake,

Gonna try not to step on Mr. LTR's toes here with my own advice! *Nod + Wink at Tool*

What she is probably implying is that she feels too disconnected from you when she's not with you (as Tool mentioned). I had to go through a similar phase with my girlfriend. After a lot of back and forth with it, it eventually drilled down to her wanting to hear from me when we weren't together during the week so that she felt like I cared about her when I wasn't around her.

I would just have a talk with her and say something along the lines of, "hey babe, I know I'm really busy during the week and that it sometimes makes you feel lonely when I'm not around, so I'm going to try to give you a phone call once a week to check up with you and talk to you so that you don't feel that way. I care about you, and I feel like this would be something I can do to show you that." You might want to gauge her reaction after that, but she'll likely be thrilled by you just bringing it up.

Once I started giving my girlfriend a regular phone call (about once a week, although sometimes she'll still call me first), this issue mostly went away. The important part of this is initiating the phone call yourself -- her calling you doesn't fit the bill since she is the one having to actively seek you out for attention, so you still need to make sure you're the one who initiates the occasional phone call yourself. You giving her a phone call gives her some security in the relationship. If you make her feel too insecure, then she begins to complain/cause drama.

NOTE: The phone call thing ONLY applies to monogamous relationships. You do not need to do this with any girl who is not your girlfriend and/or significant other. Texting only to meet up is sufficient (and preferred) for non-monogamous relationships with girls.

- Franco

 

[Smurf]

Thanks Franco and Tool, solid advice from both of you!

 

[Franco]

Instead. I would talk to her and say something along the lines of "How about I will try to communicate with you more? Maybe an extra phone call or a text every once in a while. What do you say? This not only prevents a cemented expectation which if you fail that expectation will cause drama. But leaves you open to be spontaneous in the ways and times that you reach out to her. Which will excite her more than a cemented expectation.

The only thing you have to be careful about here is that "an extra phone call or text" is subjective to each individual. So, you might give her what you consider to be "an extra phone call" and think she's satisfied, then all of a sudden, five days later she gets upset and tells you, "I thought you said you were going to communicate with me more!" Unfortunately, guys have terrible habits these days and text/call girls all the time, so girls have become accustomed to receiving constant attention from boyfriends on a daily (and even hourly) basis. So the only reason I suggest putting an exact amount on it is that you can set that amount very low right off the bat. One phone call a week is not too much to ask for, and if you can get her to agree to something like that, then you've already set the lowest and easiest expectation you can possibly set!

That being said, if you actually want to call your girlfriend more than once a week, then that's completely fine too. If you tell her "I'll try to call you once a week" and then call her twice in a week, she'll be happy about that since you are exceeding the expectations you laid down. Just keep in mind that, as with all expectations, it's a lot harder to "pull back" than it is to push forward. So if you don't think you'll want to call your girlfriend two to three times a week in the future, then never start doing it from the get-go!

- Franco