I'm Not Sure What I Really Want

[Jack Swave]

I think I'm seriously confused. When a girl tells me " I love you " or shows a extreme amount of interest in me I start to distance myself from her. And when a girl doesn't like me and I've shown interest in her I feel needy. Yet sometimes I give up on those girls and they come chasing me and by then I don't want to date them. I get repelled.

As I grew up, everytime I got close to someone they eventually hurt me in the worst ways. I think I'm afraid of love, both giving and receiving. I think part of it stems from my relationship with my Mom. If my Mom made me angry she would come to me and say " I love you son " only when I was upset . I have come to hate those words because I feel I'm being tricked . Yet I still long to feel real love. The only time my family claims to love me is when I feel bad. When I feel good I never hear those words.

So whenever I start talking to a girl and she says nice things I sort of have my guard up. How do I get rid of this feeling ? I usually realize I " love / like " a girl when she is ready to leave me. It's not a good place to be. I lose myself and push away people without really meaning to. I'm confused.

Bubinile

 

[Drck]

It's as you say, you are afraid to love and to be loved because you are afraid to get hurt. To love somebody and not to be loved back hurts. On the other hand, being loved too much, to be chased and followed, is rather annoying - unless that person is a narcissist, which is another story...

There are many relationships that are not well balanced, one person loves the other one too much, and the other doesn't really care. It is a constant struggle of power, usually the one who has more power (e.g. cares less about the other person) wins. Should some crisis come to the relationship, he or she gets to dump the other person without regret. The other one, the one who is in love, who is and was investing more loses.... He or she gets hurt by the rejection, then is afraid of any future love...

So we want to look for more balanced relationships, for more maturity and independence... We should be aware of how much are we investing into it (emotionally, financially, even cognitively) and how much the other party is investing. We should know our value, and value of our partner. If we are looking for well balanced relationship, the investments shall be rather equal. Out of pure selfishness, you want to have just little bit more power than the girl, say 60% to 40%, bit you have to be investing, and and she has to be investing as well...

Which brings us to the problematics of relationships. I personally believe that once you as a guy start actively managing the relationship, most of the fun goes away. You are simply investing too much, you worry too much about the outcome (no matter how you pretend that you are not) - and she usually does nothing, she is just being "lead" by you. In a sense she actually has more power than you because you are the one who cares too much and she doesn't do anything...

On the other hand, if she is in charge, she is automatically gaining too much power because she is putting you to a less dominant position. She is the one who leads, you are just becoming more and more beta-nized... one day you wake up, she wipes her shoes on you - and you say Thank You. The next day she sleeps with another guy, and all you do is start analyzing what did YOU do wrong, and you spent months and years figuring out how to get her back... It's a non-sense, you are just being trapped in Beta make mind, and you don't know how to get out of it...

There is much more to it, but if you are looking for a decent relationship you should look for more mature girl. A girl who knows her value, who is not afraid to invest into you...a girls who cares about healthy relationship and who is not there for just the entertainment of the nice "ride"... At the same time you should be the same - more mature, more independent, investing without being afraid of potential pain... You also want to jack up your value little bit higher, that way you don't have to worry much about actively managing the relationship. And you also want to be more emotionally independent on being with her, being less needy for the relationship than she is...

It's probably sounds much more complicated than it is, but it is still the same thing you read here over and over... More leading, more mature, more "who cares" attitude, more sexy, and less Beta... The problem then is, that once you become this kind of a man you realize that your need for relationship will also diminish - you may not even have a desire to be in one, and I'm not even talking about some sort of active management... In other words, any relationship will eventually make you beta either way, at least that's my current believe... I just can't imagine any true "alpha" in a real relationship for longer time.... "alpha" and relationship is simply an oxymoron...


Well, at least you have some food for your thoughts